Body Image, The New Barbie And Esther HaMalka

            On March 1, new Barbie dolls will be found on store shelves.  Barbie will now come in “three new body types and in a variety of skin tones and hairstyles.”   The new doll will be available in tall, petite, and curvy body types.  Barbie spokeswoman, Michelle Chidoni, stated, “the product line [will be] a better reflection of what girls see in the world around them.”  Evelyn Mazzocco, senior vice president and global general manager of Barbie, said, “We believe we have a responsibility to girls and parents to reflect a broader view of beauty.” 

            Barbie came up in conversation in the Adolescent Life Classes for seventh graders this week.   The girls focused on body image and the factors that impact on how we as women and girls view ourselves and our bodies.  We discussed the impact of the media.  The waiflike models or the photoshopped bodies we see in magazines contribute to our developing body images.  Barbie, is similarly affecting young girls.   Barbie is “so exceptionally thin that her weight and body proportions are not only unattainable, but also unhealthy.  The ultrathin female beauty ideal she embodies has been linked with the extraordinary prevalence of negative body image and unhealthy eating patterns among girls and women.” Until 2006, this was hypothesized, but not yet substantiated by the research.   In a 2006 study in the Journal of Developmental Psychology “Does Barbie Make Girls Want To Be Thin?  The Effect of Experimental Exposure To Images Of Dolls On The Body Image of 5-8 Year Old Girls,” the effect of Barbie on body image was explored.   Girls ages 5-8 were exposed to photos of Barbie or Emme (described in the article as U.S. Size 16).   (Studies on girls indicate that their desire to be thin begins at age six!)  In this study, they sought to demonstrate that “Dolls like Barbie can serve as an imaginary point of view from which to see one’s own bodily self, through which young girls come to understand the meaning of beauty and perfection by pretending to be their dolls, which are embodiments of the cultural ideal of the female body.”   Results of this study did indeed demonstrate that girls do experience, “heightened body dissatisfaction” after exposure to images of Barbie versus images of Emme. 

            Am I saying that we should all take our Barbies made before March 1, 2016 and throw them away?  No.  Likewise, we aren’t going to go and tell our daughters to stop watching commercials that feature the models mentioned earlier.   As parents, we need to educate them.  Through direct messages such as: “Beauty is not about weight.”  “Being healthy is important, not attaining a certain weight.”  “Each person has his/her own individual beauty.”  We reinforce the “self- talk” (as mentioned in my blog these past two weeks), where our young women tell themselves that “I am beautiful.”   As parents, and particularly mothers, we model for them as well. We never talk about weight in front of them.  We focus on eating healthy- not losing weight. We don’t complain about how awful we look in front of them.

             In our classes this week, we spoke of other sources of body image aside from the media- parents, peers and boys.  (The boys also focused on how they speak to and about the girls, and what true beauty is).   The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty has some incredible videos which I showed, among others, which highlighted that beauty is a state of mind. We need to work on that positive state of mind in the face of the messages which bombard us daily.

            In this week’s Mishpacha Magazine, Dr. Kiki Ehrenpreis’ research on the impact of weight on dating in the Jewish community was described.   She studied  “all stripes” of Orthodox Jews, and in all communities higher weight led to decreased frequency of dating among women (not men).  These findings are similar to research in the general “Western society.”  Interestingly enough, there was a difference between the Orthodox community and general society in that weight is a less of a factor in the religious sample than in the secular world.

            But, clearly, we have a fight on our hands.  We need to strengthen our girls to win in this battle for their positive body image and self-esteem. In class, we looked at the story of a girl named Bethany, a youtube celebrity, who felt her life was represented by the lyrics in the song Try by Colbie Caillat . The first paragraph is:

“Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?”

We want our girls to understand if someone likes you just for your hair, nails, or your weight, then he/she doesn’t truly like you.  No one should ever make you feel you need to change anything about your physical appearance.  You are more than that.

In the book of Esther, we learn in 2:12-13 “Now when each girl's turn came to go to King Achashverosh, after undergoing the prescribed twelve-month care for women (for only then would their period of beauty-care be completed: six months with oil of myrrh and six months with perfumes and women's cosmetics with which the girl would appear before the king), she would be provided with whatever she requested to accompany her from the harem to the palace.” Each girl spent weeks and weeks engaged in a beauty regimen to be ready for the king’s approval.

Yet, in pasuk 15 we see, “And when the time came for Esther, daughter of Avichayil uncle of Mordechai, who had taken her as a daughter, to go to the king, she did not ask for a thing other than that which Heigai, the king's chamberlain, custodian of the women, had advised. And Esther found favor in the eyes of all who saw her.”  Esther had every piece of makeup and perfume available, and yet she asked for nothing and still found favor in the eyes of all who saw her.  Esther is a role model for our girls.  She was more than her physical appearance. Her self-esteem was not tied into the way she looked.  People adored her because of who she was, not because of what she looked like.  Another message of the Purim story. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began discussing popularity and how it impacts them.

Seventh Grade:  Students came to understand that being silent when there is injustice going on can be just as bad as perpetrating the injustice itself. 

Eighth Grade: Students began to investigate the dangers of substance use, with the first focus on alcohol. 

My Thoughts About Thinking About Thinking

My column last week sang the praises of “Positive self- talk” and avoiding “stinkin’ thinking” all leading to Resiliency.  Clearly, the Wall Street Journal agreed.  (Thank you to Rabbi Penn for alerting me to the article).  Laura Landro’s February 15^th article “Why Resilience Is Good For Your Health And Career” focuses on “employers that offer coaching in how to be positive in spite of stress say the benefits go beyond work.”   People who are more resilient are “more productive, less likely to have high health-care costs and less often absent from work.”  Consequently, employers are offering workshops and “resilience training.”

Mrs. Shifra Srolovitz, a Child Life Specialist at the The Stephen D. Hassenfeld Childrens Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders at NYU, led a training with our seventh graders this past week on the type of thinking that benefits their patients. We, in turn, decorated stuffed animals with messages that encouraged upbeat thinking.  (Students eagerly signed up to deliver the “doggies” in coming weeks!)

Mrs. Srolovitz shared with us a program they implement in the hospital, that I have discussed in my column before, called Beads of Courage. As the Beads of Courage website describes, “Children who participate in the program receive colored beads that represent milestones, procedures, and acts of bravery. For instance, they get a yellow bead for an overnight hospital stay, a white one for chemotherapy, and a glow-in-the-dark bead for radiation treatment. It's not uncommon for children to amass 10, 20 -- even 35 -- feet of beads. It helps young patients track and celebrate their progress, but it also gives them a way to get through upcoming procedures, says Gwendolyn Possinger, the coordinator of Children's Memorial Hospital's Beads of Courage program in Chicago.   ‘A child facing another needle can look at his beads and realize that he made it through before so he can do it again.’”  By the act of created a chain of beads, the young patients are reminded of that upbeat thinking.

Resiliency seems to be inescapable this week.  The article, “Metacognition: How Thinking About Thinking Can Help Kids: A Powerful Skill For Building Resilience” by Rae Jacobson, recently arrived in my inbox.   Yet, the author champions a path to resiliency that is different from the one of which I spoke last week.  Ms. Jacobson stresses the importance of helping our children switch from “I can’t do it” to a proactive, “How can I do it?” To do so, they need to think about their own thinking= metcognition.  Why am I stuck?  What is frustrating me?  What do I need to do to get unstuck?  Many of us employ this strategy when we reflect on our own thoughts without even thinking about it, (no pun intended).  “It’s the running conversation we have in our heads, mentally sounding ourselves out and making plans.  Studies indicate that when children are taught metacognitive strategies early in life, they are more resilient and more successful in and out of school.”

Jacobson quotes some examples. Instead of saying “Math tests make me anxious,” one should ask oneself, “What is it about math tests that make me feel anxious and what can I do to change that?” Tamara Rosier says that often negative self-talk,  (that stinkin’ thinkin’), takes the place of metacognitive thinking.  So, not only should one replace negative thinking with upbeat thinking, but metacognitive thinking is essential for resiliency.  Metacognition can be used to change behavior. When they begin to think about their behavior, they are more able to correct it. 

What can we do as parents to promote this metacognitive thinking? We can ask metacognitive questions like:

·        What do you think is making it hard for you to work on this task right now?

·        What are some strategies that have helped you do well on similar tasks in the past?

·        Can you use those insights to help you with the work you're doing now?

 Metacognitive questions, says Rosier, will help your child begin thinking in a more reflective way. Questions should be:

·        Open-ended. Give your child some space to reflect on his thinking: Can you tell me more about why you think that?

·        Non-blaming. It can be hard to stay open when kids are acting out, but asking them to think about their behavior can help them learn to manage difficult situations in a better way: Why do you think you got so upset when Dad changed the channel?

·        Solution-focused. Encourage him to think about how he can use his understanding to change things in the future: How could you handle that differently next time?

Process-oriented. Ask questions that help your child get a better idea of how his thought process works: How will you know when this drawing is finished?

So, that upbeat thinking is not sufficient.  We need to challenge our children to become metacognitive thinkers as well.  What is the best way to do so?  To model it ourselves.  Out loud.  In the open- so they can actually hear the metacognition going on in our heads.

This is our first Adar of a double Adar year.  We all know “Mishenichnas Adar marbin b’simcha”- “When the month of Adar arrives we endeavor to increase our sense of joy.” There is a discussion as to whether this happiness only applies to Adar II- which contains Purim, or applies to Adar I as well.  It is an easy task in Adar II as we prepare for Purim. The festive atmosphere is tangible.  But, how about Adar I?   It is more difficult and therefore we truly need to “endeavor” and work at achieving happiness and optimism. What better way than to focus on increased positive self-talk and metacognitive thinking?

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Through the character of Dear Dr. Friendship, students began to brainstorm about practical solutions when one has an argument with a friend.

Seventh Grade: Seventh graders began discussing the “bystander effect” and why people tend to do nothing when they see injustice.  (In turn, this helps us understanding what we need to overcome to do something).

Eighth Grade:  Students focused on the importance of resiliency when it comes to facing difficulties in life through our Super bowl heroes.  

Super Bowl 50 And Lessons Of Resiliency For Our Teens

 Those of you who have been reading my blog for years know that when the Super bowl is on in my house, I am usually also doing work on my computer, and keeping an ear open for a “writable moment” for my next column.

The first writable moment came in the form of Michael Oher. Although his team did not win the Super bowl, he had a winning life story, as portrayed in the 2009 movie The Blind Side. Oher was one of 12 children being raised by a drug addicted mother and was struggling in school. He was in and out of foster homes, and his father was murdered while he was in high school. Oher was adopted by Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy when he was 16. He improved his academics and become a star football player, later to be drafted by the Baltimore Ravens, and most recently by the Carolina Panthers who made it to the Super bowl.

The life story of Michael Oher served as an inspiration to many. His mother shared, the lesson to be gleaned form Oher's life is, “Don’t count people out.” But, she stressed that this lesson is not just one from his early life, but from as recently as last season. “Last season the NFL pro wasn’t in a good place. After a toe injury caused him to miss a few games for the Tennessee Titans, he was released from the team last February. The following month he got a break when the Panthers signed him to a two-year contract.”  Tuohy reflected, “...so many people counted Michael out last year and here is a life lesson for everyone: Don’t count people out. When people are determined and they work hard, you don’t know what can happen. Here’s a kid who didn’t listen to what people said about him. He kept working. He kept focused, and he kept doing the right thing.” 

Oher did not listen to what others said about him. He didn't listen to the voices around him. Instead he listened to the voices inside himself. What voices? Those of the voices that lead to resiliency, as we discuss with our seventh graders in Advisory, otherwise known as “positive self-talk.” When facing difficulties in life, we conjure up “upbeat thinking.” Positive self-talk. We tell the students that it is exactly what it sounds like - talking to yourself. It is telling yourself you can do it, it will be okay, you have succeeded before and you will succeed again. It is what you would tell a friend when he/she is faced with trouble, but instead, you tell the same thing to yourself. As Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.”

But, often, we fall into the trap of negative thinking. Some common types of negative thinking are:

• Catastrophizing: Everything bad is a horrible disaster. (Is it really that bad?)
• Expecting the Worst: This makes you more anxious. What if people don’t like me? What if I fail my test? What if I forget everything I studied? (What are the chances of that really happening?)
• “Should”s Always saying to yourself, “It should be this way.” “It must be this way.” “I should have done it that way.” (Who says things have to be a certain way?)
• Thinking in Absolutes: Saying things like, “I’ll never get it right.” You exaggerate reality.
• Blaming- Trying to blame yourself and even sometimes others. (Stop blaming and look for solutions!)
• Yes...but- When you get advice or hear a possible solution you don’t really give it a chance.
• Focusing only on the problems: You dwell on the problems without thinking about how to solve it.
• Negative labels: You label either others or yourself. For example, “She’s stupid.”

Students learn that when faced with difficulty or any type of stress in life they can modify that “self-talk” which helps them succeed. They can make positive coping statements before, during and after a stressful situation. For example, the student is doing an oral report on the Revolutionary War and is very nervous.

- Positive self-talk/coping statements before the situation:

I’ve researched a lot about the Revolutionary War and I can share that knowledge

- Positive self-talk/coping statements during the situation:

I’m doing my best- that’s all anyone can ask.

-Positive self-talk/coping statements after the situation:

I handled that situation pretty well.

Michael Oher had the ability to counteract the negative thinking that permeated his neighborhood and family, and modified his self-talk to reach success.

Scott Abel, in his article The Lessons of Peyton Manning, highlights a similar idea. Manning, another Super bowl player coming to the end of his career, taught us, “Don't practice stinkin' thinkin'” “Manning had setbacks. Like his mistakes, some were minor and some were major. Manning missed all of the 2011 season. He had not one, not two, not three, but four separate neck surgeries that took him out of the game. There were questions about whether he could ever play at that level again.

When you suffer a setback in diet or training, do you just give up and say 'This isn't for me,' or 'I'm never going through this again.' That's a defeatist, stinkin' thinkin' attitude. Four neck surgeries couldn't keep Peyton from coming back better than ever.”

On the other hand, Cam Newton of the Panthers stormed out of the post-game interview dejected by the loss. “Before abruptly standing up and walking away from the podium, Newton dodged reporters’ questions, saying nothing was memorable about the game. He offered only short answers to questions, repeating that Carolina was simply outplayed.  'They just played better than us. I don’t know what you want me to say. They made better plays than us, and that’s what it came down to. We had our opportunities, it wasn’t anything special that we did.'” I suppose we'd all be upset in the same situation, but hopefully he returned to his hotel and began practicing some upbeat thinking and positive self-talk. As we say in Advisory, “After a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship.”

This past week, as we participated in Sharsheret Pink Day, our students became a link in the chain, (Sharsheret meaning chain), of hope. We chose to have our students participate to support this wonderful cause, but to also pay tribute to all the strong women and their families who remain hopeful in the face in life's difficulties.

As we tell our students, we hope they will never have to face that level of difficulty. But, when it comes to everyday stress, setbacks and disappointments, they know the secret to a Super bowl level of resiliency.

Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade:  Students engaged in a lesson on how to work in pairs and cooperative groups when things get challenging, as they are involved in Science Fair preparation. 
Seventh Grade:  Students focused on positive self-talk and affirmations.
Eighth Grade:  Students discussed the effect of the media using the Super bowl commercials as a springboard for discussion.