Purim, Peer Pressure And Doing The Right Thing

 Esther became the queen. Isolated and alone, surrounded by those who lived a lifestyle contrary to the one to which she was used. Mordechai sends word to Esther to approach the king and plead to him on behalf of the Jews. Esther at first refuses, as no one approaches the king without being called. One could be killed! But, how could Esther just sit by idly and watch as her people are being destroyed?

This is a question we discussed in our 7^th Grade Advisory program when discussing the bystander effect. Why is that people often see injustice going on and yet do nothing and simply sit by idly? We discussed the famous social psychology phenomenon called the bystander effect which stemmed from research spurred on by the murder of a woman named Kitty Genovese who was murdered as 38 neighbors witnessed and did nothing. (Recently, a book actually came out that shared that based on mistaken police reports, there was an error and a few people did intervene. However, the research is the same). The bystander effect also became known as the “Genovese syndrome.”

Why was Esther unwilling, at first, to intervene? She was worried that harm would come to her. This explanation makes sense to our middle schoolers, as very often, before they “do what's right” they evaluate the harm that might come to them. We call this the “snitching syndrome.” No one wants to be snitch. Why? One reason is being fearful of the consequences to oneself.

We then discussed in Advisory the three basic components of the Bystander Effect, to better understand why people are hesitant to stand up and do what is right.

1. Bystander intervention- solitary individuals are more likely to intervene. Help is less likely to be given when there are more people present.
2. Diffusion of responsibility- observers all assume that someone else will intervene and refrain from doing so themselves.
3. Social influence- Bystanders monitor the reactions of other people in an emergency and see if others think it is necessary to intervene. If no one does, they tend not to as well.

In essence, no one wants to be the only one doing it. In some ways, that is the power of peer pressure. Why would I stand up for what is right when no one else is? Why would I resist the peer pressure to do nothing? That is the hard part of being an “upstander.” We discuss with our students the importance of doing so, even when no one else is. How does one find the courage?

Mordechai responds to Esther and targets her fears. First, do not fear your own harm. You will be killed anyway even if you do not say anything. We read with the students the poem written by by Martin Niemoller who had voted for the Nazi party in 1933, but by 1938 was in a concentration camp himself.

"In Germany, the Nazis came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to

speak for me."

Eventually, even if it does not affect you now, it will.

How can we help our students find that courage? How did Esther find that courage? I recently attended a shiur by Mrs. Peshi Neuburger on the topic of Maaseh Avot Siman La'banim- the ways of the fathers are a sign for the children. (Disclaimer- I have taken some poetic license with some of Mrs. Neuburger's ideas. I cannot guarantee that she would agree with them all!) She explained the three basic ways to look at this concept. First, that our forefathers are role models for us, and we learn from them how to behave. That was a wonderful way for Esther to learn the courage she needed. She grew up in the home of Mordechai who was clearly courageously able to stand up and do what is right despite what those around him were doing. He was the only one who refused to bow down to Haman, even though he knew it could get him killed. Similarly, we can teach our own children the courage of standing up for what is right, by doing it ourselves. Let them see your resistance to giving in when something is against your value system. Express out loud why you made your decision to do something different, despite the “peer pressure” you are facing as an adult.

The second way of looking at Maaseh Avot Siman La'banim is that our forefathers are “spiritual progenitors.” When those before us work hard at inculcating a behavior or a character trait, in essence it becomes “genetic” and is passed down from generation to generation. We might call the first explanation above “nurture” and this one might be “nature.” It is in our genes. When our children are able to stand up and do the right thing, I like to think that they are not only modeling themselves after us, their parents, but also do not even have to think twice, as it is absolutely natural to them. Of course, they would never consider following the crowd and allowing an injustice to occur around them! It would be contrary to their very genetic makeup. It does not even need a decision.

The third way of looking at Maaseh Avot is that our avot were “roadpavers” for us, and literally events that happened to them repeated themselves later with their children. Mrs. Neuburger ended by quoting Rabbi Nisson Alpert on the pasuk in Bereishit 23:1 about Sarah, “And, the days of Sarah were one hundred years, and twenty years and seven years...” The Midrash Rabba recounts that Rabbi Akiva was speaking and saw that his audience was falling asleep, and wanted to awaken them. (Some things never change!). He said, “Why did Esther rule over 127 provinces? Esther who was the great, great granddaughter of Sarah who lived 127 years should come and rule over 127 provinces.” The midrash is trying to make a connection between the two women. Rabbi Alpert continues that “Sarah was taken by Avimelech, but no matter where Sarah was and no matter what circumstances she was in- she never changed. She was the same Sarah in her beliefs, the way she lived her life, without being influenced by the people of the nation where she lived. She was the same Sarah in the house of Avraham Avinu, the house of Pharaoh or the house of Avimelech. She never lost her faith and belief in G-d. When she was unable to have children and when she became the happy mother of a son- she was still Sarah. That is why she was called Sarah-from the word to rule. She ruled over the world around her and the world around her never had the power or the ability to change her from her world view and her way of life.”

We see the same with Esther. “She was taken from the house of Mordechai the righteous to the castle of Achashveirosh the evil. The situation changed completely, but Esther stayed the same Esther that was in the house of Mordechai... and the same when she ruled 127 provinces- those provinces didn't influence her. And, it was Sarah our mother who paved the road for Esther, that she was able to actualize the strength and courage to not be influenced from the change of environment and to remain with her strong faith as before. This strength is now part of the universal soul of the Jewish nation...”

The power to resist peer pressure is in our genes. After Purim, we are beginning a unit with our Sixth Grade on Peer Pressure and the skills needed to resist and say, “No.” I can speak about those particular skills in a future column. But, more importantly, as parents we can inculcate that pride and the courage of being part of a family, (your own!), and a nation, (the Jewish people), that stands up for what is right, resists peer pressure and does all that despite the influence of those around us- and will not settle for anything less. That is the message of Purim and the pride we feel as the children of Esther and Mordechai.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed the issue of popularity and whether it is important to be considered “cool.”

Seventh Grade: Dealing with real life scenarios students discussed whether there is a culture of not “snitching.”

Eighth Grade: Students finished off a unit on the irreversible impact of substance use. 

Privacy Or Security For Our Teens?

Apple has been unrelenting and unwilling to allow the FBI to gain back access to the data from the iPhone used by one of the shooters in the San Benardino attacks in December.    An order signed by a magistrate judge has requested that Apple disable the feature that wipes out data on the phone after  10 incorrect tries to enter a password.  If  Apple would disable that feature, the FBI would thereby be able to find the password by attempting millions of password combinations.  Apple says that they cannot circumvent this feature.  The judge demands that Apple write software that can bypass the feature.  Apple is not willing as it would “spell digital disaster for the trustworthiness of everyone's computers and mobile phones.” It would violate privacy of the users.

            As parents of teens, we are constantly battling the issue of privacy in our own homes.  To how much privacy are teens entitled from their parents?  In our sixth grade Adolescent Life classes this week we discussed that one “job” of the adolescent is to separate and individuate.  Adolescence prepares them for adulthood, when they will (hopefully) living on their own and making their own decision. We know that it was programmed at creation, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother...” (Bereishit 2:24)- that at some point each person is meant to leave his/her parents and become independent.  (In our classes, we discussed how this often creates conflict with parents, as we do want to be independent, but we also still need them).  As children get older, privacy is an integral part of this separation.  On the other hand, we still have the responsibility to protect them.

           

            But, does privacy truly exist in this this social media, internet age in which we live? An article   written in a 2009 Harvard Magazine says it all, “Exposed- The Erosion Of Privacy In The Internet Era.”  Do I really need to know that you went to the supermarket or where you bought your favorite jeans?   And, teens- they share everything!  As Jon Henley writes in “Are Teenagers Really Careless About On-line Privacy?”,  they share their likes, dislikes, who they are with, and even photos of themselves doing things they shouldn’t be. A Pew Research study on 12-17 year olds points out that teens post the towns they live in, the schools they attend, their email addresses, their birthdays, and even some their cellphone numbers.  They simply demonstrate a “basic lack of awareness of the potential longer-term impact of information leaks…Many younger people just don’t think in terms of their future employability, of identity theft, of legal problems if they are being provocative. Not to mention straightforward reputational issues.”  In a New York Magazine article, Emily Nussbaum writes, “Kids today. They have no sense of shame.  They have no sense of privacy. They are show-offs…who post their diaries…”

            These behaviors are actually no different from what teens always have done.  “Teens are often involved in a process of identity formation that involves not just exploring different concepts of self, but presenting such identities to others.  That’s something they have always done- but today it’s done electronically.  Identity experimentation has bigger privacy consequences today than for past generations.”   Teens are actually less concerned about businesses or universities seeing their data. Rather, they are more concerned about their parents and their seeing their online use.  

            How does privacy relate to our children’s e-mails, social media accounts etc?  We need to strike a balance between their privacy and our needing to know what they are doing.  I do believe that it is important for parents to carefully monitor- not spy- on their children’s internet use.  What I mean is that you should actively tell them how you are monitoring them. Upfront, when they get their first iPod or phone you tell them what you are going to do to keep them safe.

 In our parent workshop on March 1, Dr. Eli Shapiro of the Digital Citizenship Project shared some data stating that 91%  of parents say they are aware of what their children are doing online. However, when surveying the children themselves, only 60% of kids say their parents know what they do online.  We need to be more vigilant.  Some parents have programs that actually notify them of certain key phrases that children are using that are of concern. (Dr. Shapiro spoke of a program called VISR, which is a monitoring program that picks up on any problematic language).  We encourage parents to know their teens’ passwords and randomly monitor their social networking.  Every so often check their browser history. (Although some are savvy enough to erase things from the history, it is still a good idea to check).  “Friend” your child.  Be upfront and tell your child you are doing any or all of the above to protect them.  And, explain why. 

Why? What should we tell them?  A recent survey of 802 parents asked what parents are doing to oversee their child’s “digital footprint.”  These are some issues on parents’ minds: a. The amount of information advertisers learn about their child’s online behavior.  b. Children interacting online with people they do not know.  c.  How the online activity of their children can affect academic or employment opportunities.  (We often discuss with middle schoolers how even high schools are savvy about their online activity).  d. How our children manage their reputations online.  e. Cyberbullying. I can personally attest to the terrible impact a text or a post can make. f. Limiting the amount of time spent online which prevents children from serious engagement in homework, interacting socially and even causes lack of sleep.

The word “privacy” also brings to mind “privacy settings.”  As parents we need to review our children’s privacy settings on social media.  Although I am in no way a technology expert, I found this blog at http://www.teensafe.com/blog/how-to-manage-privacy-settings-on-social-media/, which seemed to be helpful in terms of navigating privacy settings on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and Whatsapp.

            How about privacy in general, and not just online?   Teens do need more privacy and “space.”  It is normal for teens to spend more time in their rooms. However, if a child spends hours upon hours in her room, never seems to want to talk, and is withdrawn, that is a warning sign to investigate further. How do you determine what is private?  Assess what you “need to know.”  One does not need to listen in on phone conversations or read his diary.  But, there also needs to be an understanding that privacy is a privilege, not a right.  If your child violates your trust, then you need to let him/her know that you will be snooping around.

            In Bamidbar 24, we notice that Bilaam, who was initially supposed to curse Bnei Yisrael, ends up blessing them. Why? Pasuk 2 tells us, “And, Bilaam raised his eyes and he saw Israel dwelling according to his tribes and the spirit of G-d came upon him” to bless them. Why? The Gemara in Bava Batra 60a, quoted by Rashi, states that he was moved to bless them because he noticed that their tents were built with their doors not facing each other- to ensure privacy.  This led to his beracha that we say each day in Tefilla- “Ma tovu ohalecha Yaakov, mishkenotecha Yisrael” “How good are your tents Yaakov, your dwelling places, Yisrael.”   Despite living in an internet age, we know that privacy is an important Jewish value. 

           

            Rabbeinu Gershom, who lived about 1000 years ago, issued a cherem (ban) on reading the private letters of another.   Rabbi Aaron Tendler states that one case in which it would be permissible to the privacy of another would be if “doing so will help the person whose privacy is being invaded.”  Clearly we want our individuating teens to have their privacy. Last night, I was listening to the radio and heard a conversation about privacy (freedom) versus security when it came to Apple’s battle.  When it comes to our teens’ freedom, we want them to have security along with their privacy.

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade-   Students began a lesson on the need to feel popular. They also had a visit from the Reflections Improv group on the topic of  peer pressure.

Seventh Grade-  Students discussed the bystander effect and why we tend to do nothing  when we see injustice.

Eighth Grade- Students focused on the topic of the danger of substance abuse with the impact it has on your brain.