Purim, Peer Pressure And Doing The Right Thing

 Esther became the queen. Isolated and alone, surrounded by those who lived a lifestyle contrary to the one to which she was used. Mordechai sends word to Esther to approach the king and plead to him on behalf of the Jews. Esther at first refuses, as no one approaches the king without being called. One could be killed! But, how could Esther just sit by idly and watch as her people are being destroyed?

This is a question we discussed in our 7^th Grade Advisory program when discussing the bystander effect. Why is that people often see injustice going on and yet do nothing and simply sit by idly? We discussed the famous social psychology phenomenon called the bystander effect which stemmed from research spurred on by the murder of a woman named Kitty Genovese who was murdered as 38 neighbors witnessed and did nothing. (Recently, a book actually came out that shared that based on mistaken police reports, there was an error and a few people did intervene. However, the research is the same). The bystander effect also became known as the “Genovese syndrome.”

Why was Esther unwilling, at first, to intervene? She was worried that harm would come to her. This explanation makes sense to our middle schoolers, as very often, before they “do what's right” they evaluate the harm that might come to them. We call this the “snitching syndrome.” No one wants to be snitch. Why? One reason is being fearful of the consequences to oneself.

We then discussed in Advisory the three basic components of the Bystander Effect, to better understand why people are hesitant to stand up and do what is right.

1. Bystander intervention- solitary individuals are more likely to intervene. Help is less likely to be given when there are more people present.
2. Diffusion of responsibility- observers all assume that someone else will intervene and refrain from doing so themselves.
3. Social influence- Bystanders monitor the reactions of other people in an emergency and see if others think it is necessary to intervene. If no one does, they tend not to as well.

In essence, no one wants to be the only one doing it. In some ways, that is the power of peer pressure. Why would I stand up for what is right when no one else is? Why would I resist the peer pressure to do nothing? That is the hard part of being an “upstander.” We discuss with our students the importance of doing so, even when no one else is. How does one find the courage?

Mordechai responds to Esther and targets her fears. First, do not fear your own harm. You will be killed anyway even if you do not say anything. We read with the students the poem written by by Martin Niemoller who had voted for the Nazi party in 1933, but by 1938 was in a concentration camp himself.

"In Germany, the Nazis came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to

speak for me."

Eventually, even if it does not affect you now, it will.

How can we help our students find that courage? How did Esther find that courage? I recently attended a shiur by Mrs. Peshi Neuburger on the topic of Maaseh Avot Siman La'banim- the ways of the fathers are a sign for the children. (Disclaimer- I have taken some poetic license with some of Mrs. Neuburger's ideas. I cannot guarantee that she would agree with them all!) She explained the three basic ways to look at this concept. First, that our forefathers are role models for us, and we learn from them how to behave. That was a wonderful way for Esther to learn the courage she needed. She grew up in the home of Mordechai who was clearly courageously able to stand up and do what is right despite what those around him were doing. He was the only one who refused to bow down to Haman, even though he knew it could get him killed. Similarly, we can teach our own children the courage of standing up for what is right, by doing it ourselves. Let them see your resistance to giving in when something is against your value system. Express out loud why you made your decision to do something different, despite the “peer pressure” you are facing as an adult.

The second way of looking at Maaseh Avot Siman La'banim is that our forefathers are “spiritual progenitors.” When those before us work hard at inculcating a behavior or a character trait, in essence it becomes “genetic” and is passed down from generation to generation. We might call the first explanation above “nurture” and this one might be “nature.” It is in our genes. When our children are able to stand up and do the right thing, I like to think that they are not only modeling themselves after us, their parents, but also do not even have to think twice, as it is absolutely natural to them. Of course, they would never consider following the crowd and allowing an injustice to occur around them! It would be contrary to their very genetic makeup. It does not even need a decision.

The third way of looking at Maaseh Avot is that our avot were “roadpavers” for us, and literally events that happened to them repeated themselves later with their children. Mrs. Neuburger ended by quoting Rabbi Nisson Alpert on the pasuk in Bereishit 23:1 about Sarah, “And, the days of Sarah were one hundred years, and twenty years and seven years...” The Midrash Rabba recounts that Rabbi Akiva was speaking and saw that his audience was falling asleep, and wanted to awaken them. (Some things never change!). He said, “Why did Esther rule over 127 provinces? Esther who was the great, great granddaughter of Sarah who lived 127 years should come and rule over 127 provinces.” The midrash is trying to make a connection between the two women. Rabbi Alpert continues that “Sarah was taken by Avimelech, but no matter where Sarah was and no matter what circumstances she was in- she never changed. She was the same Sarah in her beliefs, the way she lived her life, without being influenced by the people of the nation where she lived. She was the same Sarah in the house of Avraham Avinu, the house of Pharaoh or the house of Avimelech. She never lost her faith and belief in G-d. When she was unable to have children and when she became the happy mother of a son- she was still Sarah. That is why she was called Sarah-from the word to rule. She ruled over the world around her and the world around her never had the power or the ability to change her from her world view and her way of life.”

We see the same with Esther. “She was taken from the house of Mordechai the righteous to the castle of Achashveirosh the evil. The situation changed completely, but Esther stayed the same Esther that was in the house of Mordechai... and the same when she ruled 127 provinces- those provinces didn't influence her. And, it was Sarah our mother who paved the road for Esther, that she was able to actualize the strength and courage to not be influenced from the change of environment and to remain with her strong faith as before. This strength is now part of the universal soul of the Jewish nation...”

The power to resist peer pressure is in our genes. After Purim, we are beginning a unit with our Sixth Grade on Peer Pressure and the skills needed to resist and say, “No.” I can speak about those particular skills in a future column. But, more importantly, as parents we can inculcate that pride and the courage of being part of a family, (your own!), and a nation, (the Jewish people), that stands up for what is right, resists peer pressure and does all that despite the influence of those around us- and will not settle for anything less. That is the message of Purim and the pride we feel as the children of Esther and Mordechai.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed the issue of popularity and whether it is important to be considered “cool.”

Seventh Grade: Dealing with real life scenarios students discussed whether there is a culture of not “snitching.”

Eighth Grade: Students finished off a unit on the irreversible impact of substance use.