This coming Tuesday is the 14th Yahrzeit of my father, HaRav Yisrael Mordechai Dworken, Rabbi Steven Dworken, a”h. For those of you who have been reading my column for some time, you have probably gotten a small glimpse of him when I have written about him close to his Yahrzeit. One area for which my father was known was his simchat hachayim, the happiness and joy in life that he exuded. My father was the type of person to whom others were drawn, as his cheerful approach to life was contagious. You just wanted to be around him, as it felt good to be surrounded by that positivity.
Upon thinking about this unique happiness that he conveyed to all who met him, I was struck by an article in the Jewish Week last weekend. Hannah Dreyfus wrote an article “Forget Continuity, Keep Teens ‘Happy” and begins, “How do you keep today’s Jewish teens engaged? Keep them happy, urges David Bryfman… While in the past, Jewish education has stressed the transmission of knowledge, skills and literacy, that approach ‘no longer works,’ said Byrfman. The Jewish Education Project ...released a study in April highlighting that members of Generation Z- the cohort right behind millenials- prize personal happiness above all else.” The article goes on to describe a recommendation to stray away from content, skills and text and move towards what Judaism can do for them. “Loyalty to the past and sense of communal responsibility are no longer motivators. The motivator is being part of a larger project that does something for you.”
After reading this article I began thinking. Is that what Judaism is all about- happiness? Is that what we want our teens to think that life is all about?
Lori Gottleib in her article, “How To Land Your Kid In Therapy- Why the obsession with our kids’ happines may be dooming them to unhappy adulthoods,” highlights that parents throughout history have hoped to raise happy children. That which has changed is that it is not enough to be happy, if you can be even happier. Our definition of happiness has changed. “The American Dream and the pursuit of happiness have morphed from a quest for general contentment to the idea that you must be happy at all times and in every way.” She quotes a professor of social theory, Dr. Barry Schwartz. “Happiness as a by product of living your life is a great thing. But happiness as a goal is a recipe for disaster.” As we know, it is not realistic to be happy at all times. Such a belief only sets one up for disappointment and dissatisfaction.
In the United States, a Gallup poll reported while the happiness levels of Americans are at all time high, the Center for Disease Control reports that 4 out of 10 Americans “have not discovered a satisfying life purpose.” They do not think their lives have a “clear sense of purpose.” In a study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, 400 Americans ages 18-78 were asked if they thought their lives were meaningful and/or happy. Researchers found that while being happy and feeling life was meaningful did overlap in some ways, they were found to be different. Leading a happy life “was associated with being a ‘taker’ while leading a meaningful life corresponds with being a ‘giver.’” Happiness is about feeling good. But is “relatively shallow, self- absorbed and even selfish.” All animals can be happy- you have a desire, you satisfy it and then you are happy. People who are happy get benefits from others. People who lead meaningful lives get joy from giving to others. “Meaning transcends the self while happiness is all about giving the self what it wants.”
If our children should not be living life to only pursue happiness, what should they be pursuing? Emily Esfahani Smith, in her article, “There’s More To Life Than Being Happy” speaks about the life of Viktor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who was transported to a Nazi concentration camp. In 1946, he published his book Man’s Search For Meaning describing his experiences in the Holocaust. Frankl noted the difference between those who were able to survive and those who did not- meaning. Those who were able to find meaning in the most desperate situations were more resilient when it came to facing suffering. He gave examples of two inmates who were suicidal, thinking they had nothing to live for. “In both cases it was a question of getting them to realize that life was still expecting something from them; something in the future was expected of them,” Frankl wrote. (He helped one man focus on his son who was waiting for him in another country and the other on a series of books he was in the middle of writing). “A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears towards a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the ‘why’ for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any ‘how.’”
Smith maintains that Frankl’s philosophy focusing on meaning and the responsibility to do something greater than oneself is at odds with American culture which focuses more on the pursuit of individual happiness than the search for meaning. “...it is a characteristic of the American culture that, again and again, one is commanded and ordered to be ‘happy.’ But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to be happy,” Frankl wrote. “It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness.”
In America, we are obsessed with being happy. Unfortunately, spending your life trying to become happier often gets in the way of becoming happy. Studies have shown that people who value happiness the most and put the greatest emphasis on being happy “report 50% less frequent positive emotions, 35% less satisfaction about their life, and 75% more depressive symptoms than people who had their priorities elsewhere… and 17% less psychological well-being.”
Going back to Dreyfus’ article, if they are trying so hard to attract teens to Judaism through happiness, how does that mesh with Judaism’s view of whether happiness is important? (This might sound like a strange question as you may have read my article regarding how to achieve happiness according to the Torah or even attended a shiur I once gave on the topic. This article is a new spin). Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, in his article “The Pursuit of Joy” asserts that unlike Artistotle, who stated that happiness is the ultimate goal to which humans aspire, Judaism does not think it so. Rabbi Sacks differentiates between “happy” which he says is found in the Tanach as being the word “Ashrei” versus joy which is “simcha.” We say Ashrei three times a day, and the word ashrei is found throughout Tanach- many more times than “simcha,” but is is not a “central value” of Judaism.
Rabbi Sacks continues to point out that happiness is the state of an individual. Simcha “is never about individuals... It is always something we share.” When a newly married man does not go to the army for a year it is to share joy with his wife. When we go up to the Beit HaMikdash during the Shalosh Regalim, we have joy as it is a “collective celebration.” “It has to do with a sense of connection to other people and or to God. It comes from a different realm than happiness… It is the exhilaration we feel when we merge with others...The pursuit of happiness can lead, ultimately, to self-regard and indifference to the suffering of others...Not so, joy. Joy connects us to others and to God.?
And, so Dreyfus and her compatriots have gotten it all wrong. Stressing “happiness” might actually create teens who are farther from God and from community. They need to stress “joy”- and encourage their students to search for meaning in life. It would then be hopefully obvious to them in relatively short time that Judaism can input into their lives joy and meaning.
This past week, our 7th graders were privileged to hear a presentation of Rabbi Yitzy Haber to launch their new unit in Advisory “When Life Gives You Lemons”- coping with difficulties in life. Rabbi Haber shares the story of how he battles and conquered cancer as a 13 year old and the impact it had on the joy he feels in life. As the students (and faculty) listen to his presentation, they cannnot help but laugh at the humorous anecdotes he shares about his illness and despite his illness. Rabbi Haber ends the presentation explaining that he knows that his illness shaped who is today. He volunteers for Chai Lifeline and meets with ill children, and consequently has found true meaning, and joy.
As parents, we need to help our children find joy, not happiness. Help them find meaning by thinking about and reaching out to others. Did she look around the cafeteria this week to notice the classmate who had nowhere to sit and invite her to sit at her table? Did he think about the boy who was not invited to any Superbowl party and reach out? Will he come wearing pink this coming Wednesday for Pink Day and help raise money for Sharsheret? Is her bat mitzvah chesed a one-time event, or the beginning of many acts of chesed in her life? Our hope as parents is to not raise happy children, but joyous children who live lives full of meaning.
My father, a”h, was truly a joyous man, not a happy one. He spent his life in the rabbinate and in his personal life living for others. We, his family, continue to strive to live each day following in his joyous footsteps. Y’hi zichro baruch.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students began a unit on Time Management.
Seventh Grade- After hearing Rabbi Haber’s inspiring and humorous presentation, students began learning about resiliency.
Eighth Grade- Students viewed and discussed graduate interviews describing what high school is truly like as we begin the 2nd half of the year- Preparing for Life In High School.
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