Traditionally, this week would be my super bowl take-aways column. This super bowl was an easy one. Never give up. The power of persistence and resiliency. It’s not over til it’s over, (some of you probably turned it off before the end!) Do cheaters sometimes prosper? Deflatgate and all the lessons that go along with it that we have previously discussed. All teachable moments with our teens.
This year, I’d like to focus on a super bowl related topic and not focus on the actual game itself. I had referred to it in passing in last week’s column. I know that I sent out my last week’s column a few hours before the super bowl, and most probably did not get the chance to read it. (Please feel free to catch up and read it this week! I also write about the 7th grade presenter last week). It was dedicated to my father, a”h, whose 14th yahrzeit was last week. I focused on joy versus happiness, and maintained that we do not actually want our children to be happy. We want them to be joyful.
One example I gave of joy- living a life of meaning and giving- was “by thinking about and reaching out to others...Did he think about the boy who was not invited to any super bowl party and reach out?” I wrote that example with no one boy (or girl) in mind, but rather in thinking about all the boys I’ve worked with in the past 21 years of working as a psychologist in schools. Every year there is someone not invited to a super bowl party. Every year there is someone worried that he will not be invited. Every year there is someone embarrassed to admit he hasn’t been invited. Every year someone is excluded and sitting on the sidelines.
It need not be particular to the super bowl. Every year there is a girl who had no partner in Coke and Pepsi at that bat mitzvah. Every year there is a boy who has no one who requests to room with him at Frost Valley. Every year there is a girl who feels as if she has nowhere to sit during lunch. Every year there is a boy who is not invited to get together Shabbat afternoon. It is all about inclusion and ensuring there is not social exclusion.
Bullying has become a hot topic over the past number of years. I admit I do see bullying from time to time, but more of what I see is a particular type- social exclusion. Dr. Rick Lavoie, in his book Last One Picked First One Picked On notes that 15 out of 20 times a parents has put his/her head down to cry- it is not about a child’s academic struggles in school. It is about social rejection. Dr. David Pelcovitz shared that when looking at the research, people rarely can recall physical pain. They almost always recall the emotional pain of being excluded. And, conversely, the ones doing the social exclusion almost never recall doing so years later.
And, it is not just about the directly nasty things kids can do to each other. It is often more about the nonverbal messages that children send to one another. Smiling, or choosing not to smile at another can change a whole child’s day. Tone of voice- how you speak to another. Initiating warm greetings- especially in a group, is quickly interpreted as sending a message that this child belongs. We need to explain to our children that sending social inclusion messages- non-verbal ones as well, can help a child feel as if he or she belongs. Your child can then can become a leader in his demonstrating compassion. One need not be a close friend to deserve a smile, a greeting or a kind tone of voice. The message should be the same to all- you have a responsibility to make sure everyone feels welcome.
I know I have discussed this before, but it bears repeating. Social media is a powerful tool when it comes to social exclusion. Snapchat, instagram- again, without directly being “mean” to another, one can hurt others. Every time a child posts a photo of party he’s gone to or a shopping expedition with friends, another realizes he was left out. I am not saying that one is not entitled to go out with a few friends. But, why rub the faces of those who were not invited in it? “I thought I was her friend. But, then I realized I must not be, as everyone was there except for me.” How hurtful can one be?
I know there are children who make it hard to befriend them due to their behavior. Some children experiencing this exclusion fall under that category and some do not. Either way, I teach my children that every child deserves to feel included. No matter what. I do invite parents and children to share with me if there is a child who could use some help with some of those behaviors that do make it difficult- those do need work. But, at the same time, no one deserves to feel left out.
I spent this last Shabbat in Fair Lawn in Congregation Ahavat Achim with some of our 8th graders and Yachad for the developmentally disabled. Yachad’s slogan is “because everyone belongs.” When looking around the room at the Shabbaton, this slogan applied to the Yachad members themselves. However, it also applied to our Yavneh students. It gave me such joy to see some of our students who do not always feel that they belong shine and connect with their classmates. Everyone belonged this Shabbat. No judgemental preconceptions. It did not matter who had the coolest clothes or who was the best athlete. Sitting with the Yachad members, playing a game or singing a song was all that mattered. If only all of life was a Yachad Shabbaton.
Tonight I ran a piece of a Friendship Circle orientation. We discussed a song which was composed for Friendship Circle which states, “Every single person in this world is a gem.” That is the message of inclusion that our children get when they involve themselves in Yachad and Friendship Circle.
Our children will need to learn the skills to bounce back from rejection and social exclusion. Life is not truly a Yachad Shabbaton. Despite that, as parents, we need to remind them that life each day is a giant super bowl party. We can’t invite everyone. There is an abundance of social pressure to fit in- especially in the middle school years. Somehow, everyone deserves an invitation. What role can we play in making sure everyone has a party to go to?
Advisory Update:
Sixth Graders- Students discussed what are the obstacles they face in managing their time well.
Seventh Graders- Students spoke about the difference between those who are resilient (super ball people) and those who crush under failure (egg people). How does one persevere?
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