With the release of the Netflix series Thirteen Reasons Why there has been much discussion of bullying, social exclusion- its impact on and the role of children, and the role of the adults involved. This coming month, (already planned before the Netflix series), we are spending time in all our Advisory classes discussing the topic. (Please note that we are not discussing nor bringing up the Netflix series in class, as we do not want to encourage students to watch the show).
Some might ask, isn’t it a bit overkill to focus on the same topic each year? And, in fact, each time we mention the word “bullying” one can see the eyes of the children roll, meaning “Seriously? Not again!” That is why we need to become creative when it comes to covering this topic.
First, we only use the actual word “bullying” with our sixth graders- and transition them to new terms like harassment and social exclusion. When it comes to 7th and 8th grade we frame it differently. For example, our seventh graders recently began a unit in Advisory called “Do Not Stand Idly By.” The theme of this unit is the importance of standing up to injustice and wrong when you see it. We focus on becoming “upstanders” instead of “bystanders” (a theme we also begin in sixth grade). Research on bullying indicates that to successfully stop bullying in its tracks we need to strengthen the bystanders- that is where the real work is. But, instead of beginning the unit with teaching bystander skills through peer social interactions, we begin the unit with a political action. Why? If we have an obligation to stand up and do what’s right, we also have that obligation when it comes to injustice in the world around us.
This year we begin by briefing the students on the issue surrounding Jewish sovereignty of Yerushalayim and the danger that sovereignty is in. We engage them in discussions and briefing regarding the Palestinian efforts to erase all Jewish history from Jerusalem. They learn about the the history behind our relationship with Yerushalayim and how the conflict came about. They investigate the U.N.’s position on Jerusalem and Israel in general, which has recently been in the news. Students are also familiarized with the position of the United States when it comes to Jerusalem. Issues such as the fact that the American passport of a person born in Jerusalem just says “Jerusalem” and not “Jerusalem, Israel,” or the embassy controversy are covered. We want them to understand that Jewish sovereignty is at stake, and especially during the 50th anniversary of the reunification it is essential for us to become upstanders and do something about it through political action. The highlight of this unit will be our visit this coming Tuesday by Congressman Josh Gottheimer who will meet with our entire 7th grade. We will have an opportunity to ask questions and present him with a gift on the theme of “If I forget you, Jerusalem, may my right hand forget its skill.”
The political action component is followed by a discussion of the research of why bystander often do nothing when there is something wrong happening around them. We focus on the bystander effect, discuss why students tend not to come to adults as they deem that “snitching,” and go through practical scenarios of situations that happen in school, asking them what they would do. The students are thus far engaged and interested, and the best part- they don’t even know they are learning about bullying!
Our sixth graders will begin learning about the LEADERS strategies developed by Dr. Rona Novick when it comes to what they can do as bystanders. Here are the highlights. We go into more detail with the students. L.- Leave No One Out. E. - Empower Yourself: Stand Up To Bullies A.- Amuse With Humor- Make Light Of A Dark Situation D.- Distract The Bully Or The Victim E.- Enlist Help: Tell Someone Who Can Help R.- Rumors Stop With Me. S.- Support The Victim. This unit naturally followed from the unit before on Friendship and Popularity.
Our eighth graders have just finished a discussion of the movie The Wave which impactfully connects the Holocaust theme, about which they have been learning, to peer pressure and social exclusion. They have also been engaging in periodic Quality Circles which they experienced for the first time in sixth grade and do in 7th and 8th grade. A quality circle was created by Dr. Rona Novick as part of her BRAVE anti-bullying program. It is modeled after a practice in automotive industry where all those who work on building the car sit and evaluate their product at the end of production. The product we at Yavneh evaluate in a Quality Circle is the atmosphere in our school. We evaluate- is it an atmosphere where people feel respected? This week they are engaging in a meaningful activity where they write about the special qualities of their classmates to create an inscription which will be placed in the sefer they receive from the school at their graduation dinner. Before they begin writing, the students discuss the impact of the words that they say about their classmates can have, without their even knowing.
We are trying our best to educate our students. But, of course, that does not mean that we do not still need to be vigilant and that children will not still do the wrong thing at times. As parents, we cringe when we hear a story about our child feeling left out or picked on. We hope you know that we, the school, are partners with you in helping in any way we can.
One important aspect of all this training is that we educate our children what bullying is and what it is not. The definition we use is “Bullying is if a person a. Acted willfully and intentionally, with a clear purpose to do harm b. Cause physical, emotional or social damage c. Abused their power (either their physical size, social status, intelligence or other factor that makes them powerful).” We ask them to think about questions like: Is it bullying if someone hurts you by accident? What is the difference between teasing a friend and harassment? Is bullying always physical? Is it bullying when two people are having a fight with each other?
When thinking about this definition of bullying as parents, an article in The Huffington Post, forwarded to me this week by Mrs. Barbara Rubin, comes to mind, “Rude Vs. Mean Vs. Bullying: Defining The Differences” by Signe Whitson, who does bully prevention training for a living. She described that after coverage about her workshop appeared in a local newspaper she received many letters from parents and students about bullying they had experienced. She was horrified over and over by some of the painful stories she heard. But, she then shared, “I also want to be honest and share that some of the stories are...well...really not so bad.”
Whitson continued to describe one of the stories received from a mother who shared that a boy from the neighborhood threw leaves in her daughter's face. When Whitson asked, “Was she very upset when she got home?” The mom answered, “No, she just brushed the leaves off and told me they were having fun together.” Whitson thought then perhaps the girl was downplaying her feelings of being victimized due to embarrassment or shame (or I add, fear of retaliation if she tells). But, the mom stressed that the daughter did not seem to be upset at all. “She really seemed to think it was fun” and threw leaves back at him. Whitson then probed further, “Is he usually mean to her? Has he bothered her after school before?” The mom said, “No. I don’t think so at least. It was the first time she ever said anything about him… But, it better be the last time! I won’t stand for her being bullied by that kid. Next time, I am going to make sure the principal knows what is going on after school lets out!”
Whitson continues that she never minimizes the experiences of others, but there needs to be a distinction between rude behavior, mean behavior and bullying. These are the definitions she provides. “Rude= Inadvertently saying or doing something that hurts someone else.” It is thoughtless, but spontaneous, “unplanned inconsideration based on poor manners, narcissism or thoughtlessness, but not meant to actually hurt someone.”
“Mean= Purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone once (or maybe twice). The main distinction between ‘rude’ and ‘mean’ has to do with intention.” Mean behavior aims to hurt another. While mean behaviors can be very hurtful, and children need to be held accountable for that behavior, but the intervention would differ from bullying.
“Bullying= Intentionally aggressive behavior, repeated over time, that involved an imbalance of power.” These are the three key elements identified in the research as comprising bullying. It is intentional, repeated and the perpetrator does not show remorse. (Whitson goes on to list the different types of bullying, I’ve covered before in my column, physical aggression, verbal aggression, relational aggression and cyberbullying).
What is the difference, one might ask, if we misidentify meanness or rudeness as bullying? I would call it the “rolling eyes syndrome”- exactly what we see with our students. As Whitson so eloquently states, “...I have already begun to see that gratuitous references to bullying are creating a bit of a ‘little boy who cried wolf’ phenomena. In other words, if kids and parents improperly classify rudeness and mean behavior as bullying… we all run the risk of becoming so sick and tired of hearing the word that this actual life-and- death issue among young people lose its urgency as quickly as it rose to prominence. It is important to distinguish between rude, mean, and bullying so that teachers, school administrators, police, youth workers, parents and kids all know what to pay attention to and when to intervene. As we have heard too often in the news, a child’s future may depend on a non-jaded adult’s ability to discern between rudeness at the bus stop and life- altering bullying.”
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade; Students finished up a unit on what it means to be popular and whether the characteristics they admire now in middle school are long- lasting for future happiness in life?
Seventh Grade: Students have begun to understand the issues behind the battle behind Yerushalayim and focusing on our obligation to combat the world’s views.
Eighth Grade- Students began a project where they wrote “compliments” to their classmates which will be compiled to create the inscriptions in the sefarim they receive at the graduation dinner.
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