Family Vacations For Teens?

Officers from the Ontario Provincial police responded to a 911 call from a teenage call on August 12. She was calling to report that her parents “forced” her to go on vacation with them to a small town in Ontario, authorities said. The responding officers determined that there was no real emergency  and that it “appeared to be a case of  a teenager being a teenager.  Although she perceived this as a real issue, it was not an appropriate use of 911.”  No kidding.

As we approach the winter break, whether we are lucky enough to take the week off, or can take an afternoon off to take our children bowling, there most likely will be some family time.  While the stereotypical view of the teen is that of the Canadian girl above, in truth most of our children really do value and need the family time with us...although they may not always admit it.  

While the stereotypical teenager seeks independence from his parents, research does indicate that throughout their teenage years, teens do continue to spend time with their parents This parent-teen time is essential for their well-being as reported in “Time with parents is important for teens’ well-being.”  Research done by Professor Susan McHale at Penn State shows that, “The stereotype that teenagers spend all their time holed up in their rooms or hanging out with friends is, indeed, just a stereotype....Well into the adolescent years, teens continue to spend time with their parents and that this shared time...has important implications for adolescents' psychological and social adjustment.” Through home visits and phone interviews they found that while parent-teen time while others were present decreased, parent-teen time with just the parent and child increased.  Teen need and yearn for the one-on-one time with parents, while seeking independence at the same time.  

Anny Tyzeck, in her article “Why teenagers need quality time with their parents more than toddlers do” explores “teenage maternity leave.”  While one might assume that the quantity of time parents spend with their children is most important when they are younger, in actuality it is the opposite. When children are younger, if the quality of the time they spend together is good, then the quantity of time is not that important. However, the only stage where the quantity of time parents spend with their children does matter is during the teenage years.  Hence, the growing trend of “teen maternity leave.” (The same would stand true for teen paternity leave).  A study by the University of Toronto stressed the importance of having parents physically and emotionally available for their teens during those turbulent years. And, we all know the famous studies which indicate that the more time teenagers spend with their parents, especially during family dinners, the less likely they are to engage in substance abuse and other illicit behaviors.  A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family asserted that spending as little as an average of six hours with a teen led to the positive growth enumerated.  

While many of us may not have the time throughout the year for the one on one time with our teens, these family vacations  are an important piece of the teenager- parent bond and shared experience.   Family vacations are important for family connections.  וַיֵּֽלְכ֥וּ שְׁנֵיהֶ֖ם יַחְדָּֽו "and they both went together", as it says in Bereishit 22:6,  describing the trip that Avraham and Yitzchak took to Har HaMoriya on the way to Akeidat Yitzchak. As Rabbi Ari Kahn describes, they walked together. "They were on the same path, the same 'wavelength,' possessing a common destiny. There was no generation gap between the two." If only all our family trips had the same togetherness. 

Remember the family vacations of your youth when you played the license plate game in the car with your siblings? Nowadays, the family vacations differ as everyone comes along with his/her own technology. What is the impact of technology use on family vacations? A Tech Timeout survey conducted  by Harris Interactive highlighted that “electronic devices are destroying family vacations.”  47% of North American parents surveyed concur that technology use is ruining their vacations.  51% of North American parents find their family’s use of technology on vacation “annoying.”  We cannot truly connect with our teens when they are connected to their phones.  In the past we have attempted a Yavneh “disconnect to connect” during Chanukah.  How about a tech timeout during a vacation with family- even for an  hour a day?  

Common Sense Media suggests some tips for a connected vacation.  The first option is to actually leave the phones at home. I actually had a conversation with a Yavneh parent last week who parents three teens and stated that that is the rule on their family vacations. But,  if you do decide to have the children bring,  then set up some rules. For example, the inside/outside rule. Technology is only available inside the hotel room. Or, if that’s too extreme, one can set up rules like, “No phone when we are on a trip.” Or, “No connecting with friends until after dinner.” It would also surprise you how much kids enjoy old fashioned board games, if you bring them along.  And, yes, they may even like that license plate game...if you can remember how to play it.  Perhaps that Canadian teen’s parents should have thought about taking away her phone...Maybe she would have enjoyed her vacation more.

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade- Students finished their unit on Manners and Etiquette by discussing in-class behavior and focusing on a video where the teacher and student switch places.  Imagine what it is like to be a teacher...hmmm.

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed the impact of “put-downs” on others and how that small actions can make a world of difference.

Eighth Grade;  Students discussed the day they get their acceptances and reactions on that day.

Living Your Best Life Now- A Tribute

            When I find the time to make it down to my basement to exercise, there’s a channel I like to watch called JBS- Jewish Broadcasting Service.  Formerly known as Shalom TV, it is a Jewish television station, probably only watched by me.  It has Israel news each day in English and various programs for those of us who are avid watchers of the Israel and the Jewish scene.  A few weeks ago, I turned on a program called L’Chayim, which is a one hour interview show. I had planned to change the channel and noticed it was an interview of someone I actually knew, Rabbi Dani Cohen. Rabbi Cohen is the rabbi at Congregation Agudath Sholom in Stamford, Connecticut. I know him more because my father, a”h,  was director of Rabbinic Services at Yeshiva University and he mentored, as he called them, “his semicha boys.”  Rabbi Cohen was one of his boys.  

            Rabbi Cohen was being interviewed because he just came out with a book called What Will They Say About You When You Are Gone? Creating A Life Of Legacy.    On the front page are also the words “Live Your Best Life Now.” (The book is written for the general public, and not necessarily for the Jewish community, although he does quote a plethora of Judaic sources).  After watching the interview, since the book could not be found on the BCCLS website, I ordered in on Amazon, curious to read it. When the book arrived, my husband opened the envelope, surprised at its contents. Sounds like quite a morbid title.  I explained why I ordered it and cracked the pages open.     

            When I began to read the book, Mrs. Brueckheimer, a”h, was still with us.  Throughout this shiva week I have continued reading, as I focused on the lessons Mrs. Brueckheimer’s life taught us about living the best life.

 The author begins explaining the rationale behind the book.  Rabbi Cohen quotes the famous pasuk from Shlomo HaMelech in Kohelet (a pasuk that Rabbi Knapp also quoted when addressing our middle schoolers the day we returned to school after Mrs. Brueckheimer’s passing):

בט֞וֹב לָלֶ֣כֶת אֶל־בֵּֽית־אֵ֗בֶל מִלֶּ֨כֶת֙ אֶל־בֵּ֣ית מִשְׁתֶּ֔ה

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting.

"How is that possible? We’d all rather be at a wedding.  Here’s the difference: The morning after a wedding we might say, ‘It was fun. I had a good time. I ate too much,’ and so on.  However, following a funeral, there’s a chance your life might be changed.  You confront mortality and a life well lived...and you may be stirred to reevaluate your own...Who are you? Who do you want to be?  How do you want to be remembered?”  

Rabbi Cohen then quotes Rabbi Menanchem Mendel of Kotzk, “My job in life is not to resurrect the dead; my job in life to resurrect the living.” How can we resurrect the lives we live every day to make them more meaningful?  He speaks of the life of Alfred Nobel, who actually invented dynamite.  When his brother died, a newspaper mistakenly thought he had died and the obituary was entitled “The Merchant of Death.”  He was taken aback as he then saw that that was how was going to be remembered. It was then he endowed the Nobel Prize as he asked himself after reading his “obituary” “Is this the way I want to be remembered? Is this my legacy?” Today, Nobel is remembered for his prize and his contributions to society.  Most of us do not get to see the “preview” obituary that Alfred Nobel did. Rabbi Cohen encourages all of us to contemplate each day how we will be remembered at 120.    He quotes a Gemara in Shabbat 153a, “Rabbi Eliezer would say, ‘Repent one day before your death.’ He asked his disciples, ‘Does a man know on which day he will die?’ He said to them, ‘So being the case, he should repent today, for perhaps tomorrow he will die; hence all his days are passed in a state of repentance.’”  Man should live each day as if it is his last.

Each piece of the book ends with a practical exercise. The first exercise is “Developing A Life Of Legacy Prototype” where he asks the reader to make a list of how he would like to remembered by his family, community and the world. He then even asks the reader to, believe it or not,  write his own eulogy by answering a list of 10 questions.  Some of the questions are, “What is worth fighting for?” “What are your dreams?” “Describe your best self.”   As the book continues, he speaks about some practical ways to make a difference each day and live the best life.

One practical (more upbeat) strategy he discusses relates to how we awaken each day and say “Modeh Ani.”  מוֹדֶה אֲנִי לְפָנֶיךָ מֶלֶךְ חַי וְקַיָּם, שֶׁהֶחֱזַרְתָּ בִּי נִשְׁמָתִי בְּחֶמְלָה. רַבָּה אֱמוּנָתֶךָ.

I offer thanks to You, living and eternal King, for You have mercifully restored my soul within me; Your faithfulness is great.

“The way you begin your day frames your attitude towards what lies ahead.  Wow! I can talk, I can walk, and I can hear the sounds outside and smell the fresh air.  If God infuses each of us with new life today, we in turn must relish the chance to make the day a masterpiece!”  It is not about a “morbid” preoccupation of what will be said about us, but rather a positive outlook and conscious plan for each day as we awaken to accomplish something significant and make the world better.  This is something we can discuss with our children, as Hashem provides us with life each day to accomplish a mission.

As I absorbed the lessons of Rabbi Cohen’s book, I realized that Mrs. Brueckheimer, a”h lived the message of his book each day. When I took the students to pay a shiva call last week to the Brueckheimer family, Rabbi Brueckheimer shared how his wife would pack her bag the night before the next school day and even put it in her car.  Aside from expressing how organized she was, it also showed her love for her teaching and her efficient use of her time. No moment was ever wasted.  Mrs. Brueckheimer could be counted on to be there bright and early for minyan, and in her room during her lunch break helping students.  The students were cognizant of the fact that Mrs. Brueckheimer expected them to also make the most of their time, as she did hers. Students knew she demanded they show their best selves in class,  while compassionately grading their papers. More than teaching math concepts, she cared about their self-concepts.  One student, who never had her as a teacher, shared with me that from Mrs. Brueckheimer she learned that davening was a serious endeavor.  She knew, from the moment she entered middle school, that when Mrs. Brueckheimer was at minyan, she was expected to daven with attention, kavana and meaning.  That is the way Mrs. Brueckheimer  taught in her classroom as well, with attention, kavana and meaning.  There was no wasting time for time was precious.  

For those of us who loved Mrs. Brueckheimer, a”h, she indeed created a life of legacy. Not only did she as a math teacher teach generations of students how to “count”, but she also let her students know that they did count,  and she made every moment count as she lived her best life each day.  We will miss her. May her memory for a blessing.   

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Students discussed getting their first report card, why they received the grades they did and how to discuss it with their parents. They will work on setting goals for this new trimester this week.

Seventh Grade- Students discussed social exclusion and the harmful effects of the “grapevine” and gossip.

Eighth Grade- As the new Star Wars movie came out, students discussed the power of self- control and its importance.