Purim And Body Image

This past week we were privileged to hear Dr. Sarah Roer present on the topic of “Raising Our Children With Healthy Body Images and Attitudes Towards Food.”  It was a pleasure having Dr. Roer back at Yavneh. Since she last spoke she has served as an adviser to us at school and to individual parents who have sought her out.  

As I mentioned when I introduced Dr. Roer, the  workshop topic is one that is important to us as parents, as we can all recall facing these issues as children or teens ourselves- or even as adults today.  Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies.  More than 80.7% of men express anxiety about their body image by focusing on perceived flaws and imperfections.  This all begins at a young age.  

This workshop was perfectly timed to occur right before Purim...No not because of all the high calorie nosh we consume, but because the message of Purim fit in perfectly with the goals of that evening.

In her article,  “Esther: Hidden Beauty,” Sara Esther Crispe speaks about that although most assume that Esther became queen due to her outward beauty, it was not exactly the case. “...the commentators note that it was miraculous that she was found to be attractive, as her physical appearance actually was quite unflattering. The Gemara in Megilla 13a  tells us that Esther was actually of a greenish complexion, but that she had a ‘thread of grace’  that was upon her.” Esther refused the perfumes or any other items that would have made her more physically attractive as she prepared for her interview with the king.  She was beautiful because her internal was beautiful.  When the internal is beautiful it will show through to the external.

In contrast, “Vashti, was a woman who garnered her attention by displaying her undressed body at royal gatherings. While her body itself was attractive, that was her only positive quality. When she was unable to flaunt her figure due to a horrific skin rash and boils, she had nothing to show for herself; in her refusal to display her body, she lost not only her position as queen, but her life as well.”  Vashti’s focus on external beauty was fleeting.  

How do we raise children who focus not only on their outsides- their external, and have healthy body images in a world where they are bombarded by messages that only our physical outsides is what is important?   ( ונהפןך הוא -the exact opposite message we want them to get!)

A protective factor for positive body image, stressed Dr. Roer,  is self- esteem. Poor self- esteem makes children vulnerable to body image issues and eating disorders. Children with low self-esteem, and those who are made to feel bad about their bodies, ultimately will have issues with food.  A child’s self- esteem not only comes from their peers, but also from how we parent them from a young age.  As parents we need to be mindful of the messages we send them daily.

 Dr. Roer continued with so many important tips regarding not assigning values to food- all food is good.  We never outlaw a type of food, but rather we eat in moderation.  She highlighted the success of authoritative parenting- which is caring, but also sets limits.  We need to be aware of our children making an association between stress or unhappiness with food. We are their role models. They need to see us eat, and even have dessert- all in moderation. Children should not hear their parents speaking badly about their own bodies.  We spoke about not having them “finish their plates,” and the topic of the chagim and eating was brought up in a question. Some other questions Dr. Roer targeted were: What if my child is always hungry?  What if she wants a night snack? What if my child’s doctor thinks that he/she  should go on a diet?  Dr. Roer stressed the importance of never making a child feel that he/she cannot eat something.  

Dr. Roer also mentioned the impact of the media on our children’s body images today.  Dr. Roer herself was involved with her mentor in the Israeli Photoshop Law, (which we talk about with our students in their body image sessions), which stipulated that fashion and commercial models should have a body-mass index of at least 18.5, and that computer-generated changes to make models appear thinner be noted along with the images.

Another area related to social media’s impact on body image has also become concerning to me.  (We did not, however, have the time to discuss this topic at our workshop). Rachel Simmons, the author of the famous Odd Girl Out,  discusses in her Time Magazine article “How Social Media Has Become A Toxic Mirror,” “Earlier this year, psychologists found robust cross-cultural evidence linking social media use to body image concerns, dieting, body surveillance, a drive for thinness and self-objectification in adolescents.”

We discuss this issue with our students in our body image classes. In fact, one article we read with them “Tell Me What You See Even If It Hurts Me- ‘Am I Pretty’ Videos- Posed To The Internet Raise Questions” speaks of teens who post videos of themselves to Youtube and actually ask people to respond whether they think the girl posting is pretty or ugly.  Girls often say, “Be honest.  I can take it.”  But it is not true. The only thing they learn from that experience is how cruel others can be.

“That nearly all the people in these videos seem to fall from 13 to 15 years old is not a coincidence, psychologists say. As young teenagers enter middle school, they start to leave behind the cocoon of family and childhood friends and reassess themselves by society’s standards. It’s what the psychologist Erik Erikson called the Identity Versus Confusion phase, when children struggle to understand how their emerging selves might fit into the larger picture. YouTube provides a modern resource for teenagers grappling with a timeless problem.”

As Common Sense Media writes in their article,  (which we again read with our students),  that social media is wreaking havoc on self- image.  Here are some of the statistics found in their research study:  35 percent are worried about people tagging them in unattractive photos.  27 percent feel stressed about how they look in posted photos. 22 percent felt bad about themselves if their photos were ignored.

Simmons points out that with free apps teens can alter their bodies in these photos, putting upon them tremendous pressure to be more beautiful.

What can we as parents do to help them in this era of social media?

1. We need to talk to them about the pictures they are posting.  
2. Ask them how they feel about the feedback of others? Why are they seeking the approval of others?
3. As Dr. Roer mentioned, from a young age we need to focus on healthy bodies, not what it looks like.  We also need to be careful about criticizing our own bodies in front of them.
4. Point out to them role models who  “challenge stereotypes about size and beauty and who are comfortable in their own skins.”
5. Help them post positive comments that support their friends for who they are and not what they look like.
6. Discuss being a critical media consumer.  Point out the unrealistic body ideals in the media.
7. Don’t forget to tell them you love them- every bit about them.  

Each one of our children is Esther HaMalka, (our boys as well!). As it says in Esther 2:9,

וַתִּיטַ֨ב הַנַּֽעֲרָ֣ה בְעֵינָיו֘ וַתִּשָּׂ֣א חֶ֣סֶד לְפָנָיו֒ “And the maiden pleased him, and she won his favor.”

 Why does it need to say twice that she was attractive in the eyes of Achashveirosh? (And, all this even before she is offered the ointments and items to make herself more beautiful).   Esther Rabba 6:9 states, “The Rabbis taught: Esther found favor in all that saw her, both in the upper world and in the lower world. As it says: (Proverbs 3) "And you will find favor and approbation in the eyes of God and man."  The Torah Temima comments that she was loved by angels and man. Angels do not care about appearances. They care about character.  It was her beautiful character that made her beautiful.  

The message of Esther is to help our little angels realize how beautiful they are on the inside.  Dr. Roer’s presentation reinvigorated us to rededicate ourselves to helping our children focus on what really counts.

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade- Students focused on how to organize one’s backpack, locker and home workspace.

Seventh Grade;  Students discovered the power of upbeat thinking.

Eighth Grade;  Students began a unit on the changing parent- child relationship in adolescence.

Never Too Late- Part II

After last week’s column, “Pre- Super Bowl- It’s Not Too Late For An Invite,” I received numerous e-mails from parents applauding the content of the column.  Some e-mails were from parents whose children have been left out. Some e-mails were from parents whose children always get invitations, but just felt for the children who did not.  I hope that I was able to bring to the fore an issue that affects many children.  One parent responded by sharing the social exclusion that occurs around Purim costumes- a topic I have covered before as well. |A group of girls decide to wear the same costume, and inevitably someone gets left out.

One e-mail that I received was not at all about children. It was by a parent who shared that this issue of “being left out”  does not only relate to the children, but also spills over to the parents as well. One example she gave was the bar/bat mitzvah carpool. As parents scramble when their children are in kindergarten to create bar/bat mitzvah carpools, (okay, I may be exaggerating...but only a bit), there are always families that are left out.  Whether it is a family that moved in after kindergarten or simply someone who is not well- connected, it is another example how we can make more conscious efforts to include others.  

Years ago, when I spoke my shul Sisterhood opening event, I spoke of how each one of us can remember the first time we came to Shul as strangers, and someone stopped us to say welcome and introduced him/herself. Even at a shul event like that day,  many of us reached out to someone we did not know before and offered her a seat. How lonely it is to come into a room and not be offered a seat. How isolating it can be when we each stick to our groups and don't welcome in the “new girl.” There is so much focus today on bullying amongst children and particularly social exclusion- leaving people out. Who are the models for this behavior of our children? We are. Do they see us welcoming in a new person in shul, and including someone standing alone in a conversation? When your daughter asks, “Hey, Mommy, did you know that woman?” You find a teachable moment and respond, “No, but she was feeling excluded, so I included her.”

Aside from modelling, what is the secret to raising children who are inclusive? The answer can be found in the parasha we read this past Shabbat, Shemot 22:20

וְגֵר לֹא-תוֹנֶה, וְלֹא תִלְחָצֶנּוּ:  כִּי-גֵרִים הֱיִיתֶם, בְּאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם.

And a stranger shall you not wrong, neither shall you oppress him; for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.

In this past week’s parasha we find this concept twice,  (out of the 36 times it is mentioned in the Torah), to treat the stranger well, and remember that we were strangers in Egypt.  This pasuk lets us in on the secret- empathy. Imagine what it feels like to be a stranger- excluded and rejected.  Rabbi Ely Schestak, rabbi of Ahavat Achim in Fair Lawn, shared this past Shabbat at our Yachad Shabbaton, that in Egypt there was a clear caste system. There were the Egyptian elite and then the rejected Jews who were the slaves.  There was no hope for the Jews to be included and respected.  Every Jew has to obligation to recall that feeling of rejection before rejecting a person who no one wants to accept.

Children who are raised with empathy, who can imagine what it feels like to be left out, are the ones who sensitively include others.  Dr. Michelle Borba, author of Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed In Our All- About-Me World, “Empathy, the ability to put oneself in other people’s shoes, is the cornerstone for becoming a happy, well-adjusted, successful adult. It makes our children more likable, more employable, more resilient, better leaders, more conscience-driven, and increases their life spans.”  In our 7th grade Advisory program, we spend an entire unit called “Operation Respect” teaching the skills of empathy through learning about the plight of the homeless and visiting a homeless shelter.

Despite the fact that we know that empathy is integral to success in life in various arenas, research indicates that in the past 30 years, the empathy levels of teens have gone down by 40%.   “Almost 75% of college-age students today rate themselves as less empathetic, less likely to try to understand their friends by imagining their perspective, and less likely to be concerned for people less fortunate.”  The 2014 Harvard Making Caring Common report surveyed 10,000 teens regarding what they value the most.  80% chose “high achievement or happiness” as their highest rated value.  Only 20% rated “caring for others” as their highest value.  Four out of five teenagers said “their parents cared more about achievement than caring.”

Dr. Borba highlights that along with more focus on academics and less on empathy goes a rising rate of unhappy teens who are depressed and anxious. Aggression, bullying and cruelty have risen.  Research with cyberbullying shows that children who cyberbully show less empathy. Teaching empathy, says Borba, will lessen peer cruelty.

But, we can teach empathy.  In addition to modeling,  instead of asking our children when they get home, “What grade did you get?” a parent  should ask, “What kind act did you do today?”  “Unless we free up time for relationships, we may be raising a generation of kids who can’t see past their smartphones and jam-packed schedules to notice the human beings in front of them.”

As children we learned that the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 128:1 states that Elul is an acronym for “Ani l'dodi v'dodi li” - I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me-  depicting our relationship with Hashem which we work on in Elul. (Yes, I know we begin Adar at the end of this week!) But, the Shulchan Aruch also states that it stands for “u'mishloach manot ish l'reaehu u’matanot l’evyonim”-Sending gifts from a person to his friend and presents to the poor”(Esther 9:22). What does Purim have to do with Elul? It is not about Purim, but rather sharing that the way to work on our relationship with Hashem is through working on our relationships with others.  I imagine that the people of Shushan did not only give Mishloach Manot to their particular friends.  What would it be like if we delivered a package this Purim to someone who could use a friend?  What if we were to encourage our children to do so as well? What if we were to focus on the skill of empathy and encourage our children to imagine what it feels like to receive no packages on Purim day?

Thank you to all of you who responded to last week’s column, prompting Part II this week.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students began a unit on organization, focusing on how to organize their bookbags.

Seventh Grade:  Students began a unit “When Life Gives You Lemons” and focused on what are the qualities that make people resilient and able to bounce back from failure?

Eighth Grade; Our 8th graders discussed the admissions news they will be receiving this week and the best way to react to the news. 

Pre- Super Bowl- It's Not Too Late For An Invite

Today I spent some time with a colleague of mine who is a psychologist in another school. The topic of the super bowl and parties inevitably came up.  We discussed the social pressure it places on children to feel included.  How terrible it feels for a child to have nowhere to go when it appears that all his/her friends have been invited.  I shared with her the column I sent out last year about that exact topic.  This conversation today came on the footsteps of a conversation I had with a parent in our school this past week about her child who was not invited to any super bowl parties.   In re-reading my last year’s column, I realize that I feel just as passionate about the issue as I did last year.  And, the issue is still relevant.  Last year, I sent out that column after the parties were all over… too late. So, although I send out my column on Sunday afternoons, I thought that perhaps a pre- super bowl column would be more impactful this week.  (I will quote some of what I wrote last year, and supplement as well).  

...One example I gave of joy- living a life of meaning and giving- was “by thinking about and reaching out to others...Did he think about the boy who was not invited to any super bowl party and reach out?” I wrote that example with no one boy  (or girl) in mind, but rather in thinking about all the boys and girls I’ve worked with in the past 22 years of working as a psychologist in schools.  Every year there is someone not invited to a super bowl party.  Every year there is someone worried that he will not be invited. Every year there is someone embarrassed to admit he hasn’t been invited. Every year someone is excluded and sitting on the sidelines.

It need not be particular to the super bowl.  Every year there is a girl who had no partner in Coke and Pepsi at that bat mitzvah.  Every year there is a boy who has no one who requests to room with him at Frost Valley.  Every year there is a girl who feels as if she has nowhere to sit during lunch. Every year there is a boy who is not invited to get together Shabbat afternoon.  It is all about inclusion and ensuring there is not social exclusion.

Bullying has become a hot topic over the past number of years. I admit I do see bullying from time to time, but more of what I see is a particular type- social exclusion.  Dr. Rick Lavoie, in his book Last One Picked First One Picked On notes that 15 out of 20 times a parents has put his/her head down to cry- it is not about a child’s academic struggles in school. It is about social rejection.  Dr. David Pelcovitz shared that when looking at the research, people rarely can recall physical pain. They almost always recall the emotional pain of being excluded.  And, conversely, the ones doing the social exclusion almost never recall doing so years later.

And, it is not just about the directly nasty things kids can do to each other. It is often more about the nonverbal messages that children send to one another.  Smiling, or choosing not to smile at another can change a whole child’s day.   Tone of voice- how you speak to another. Initiating warm greetings- especially in a group, is quickly interpreted as sending a message that this child belongs.  We need to explain to our children that sending social inclusion messages- non-verbal ones as well, can help a child feel as if he or she belongs.  Your child can then can become a leader in his demonstrating compassion.  One need not be a close friend to deserve a smile, a greeting or a kind tone of voice.  The message should be the same to all- you have a responsibility to make sure everyone feels welcome.  

I know I have discussed this before, but it bears repeating.  Social media is a powerful tool when it comes to social exclusion.  Snapchat, instagram- again, without directly being “mean” to another, one can hurt others.  Every time a child posts a photo of party he’s gone to or a shopping expedition with friends, another realizes he was left out.  I am not saying that one is not entitled to go out with a few friends. But, why rub the faces of those who were not invited in it?   “I thought I was her friend. But, then I realized I must not be, as everyone was there except for me.”  How hurtful can one be?

I know there are children who make it hard to befriend them due to their behavior.  Some children experiencing this exclusion fall under that category and some do not. Either way, I teach my children that every child deserves to feel included.  No matter what.  I do invite parents and children to share with me if there is a child who could use some help with some of those behaviors that do make it difficult- those do need work. But, at the same time, no one deserves to feel left out.

I will spend this coming  Shabbat in Fair Lawn in Congregation Ahavat Achim with some of our 8th graders and Yachad for the developmentally disabled.  Yachad’s slogan is “because everyone belongs.”  Yearly, when looking around the room at the Shabbaton, this slogan applies to the Yachad members themselves. However, it also applies to our Yavneh students. It gives me such joy to see some of our students who do not always feel that they belong shine and connect with their classmates. Everyone belongs at the Yachad Shabbaton.  No judgemental preconceptions. It does not matter who had the coolest clothes or who is the best athlete.  Sitting with the Yachad members, playing a game or singing a song is all that matters.  If only all of life was a Yachad Shabbaton.  

Our children will need to learn the skills to bounce back from rejection and social exclusion. Life is not truly a Yachad Shabbaton.  Despite that, as parents, we need to remind them that life each day is a giant super bowl party. We can’t invite everyone.  There is an abundance of social pressure to fit in- especially in the middle school years.  Somehow, everyone deserves an invitation.  What role can we play in making sure everyone has a party to go to?

In this week’s parasha the Jews received the Torah. When they arrived at Har Sinai the pasuk says, ויחן שם ישראל נגד ההר “And the Jews camped by the mountain.”  Why the word ויחן in singular?  Rashi says, “כאיש אחד בלב אחד”- they were united like “one man with one heart.”  I have often heard the imagery that this means that the Jewish people are like one body.  When my arm hurts, my whole body is in pain.  When one “member”  of the Jewish people hurts, we all hurt.  When someone in my class feels excluded, I should feel his/her pain.

So, perhaps we can ask our children to sit and think about the boy or girl in his/her class who probably does not have a place to go tomorrow. It’s not too late for an invite.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Graders-  Students discussed the challenges of working in groups or with partners and how to manage those challenges.

Seventh Graders- Rabbi Yitzy Haber addressed the 7th graders to launch their next unit in Advisory "When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity In Life."   Rabbi Haber shared his inspirational life story demonstrating through his humor how it is possible to cope and grow through life's difficulties. Our boys also did a lesson on the topic of foul language.

Eighth Graders-  Students began a unit their changing relationship with parents based on the movie Finding Nemo.