Purim And Body Image

This past week we were privileged to hear Dr. Sarah Roer present on the topic of “Raising Our Children With Healthy Body Images and Attitudes Towards Food.”  It was a pleasure having Dr. Roer back at Yavneh. Since she last spoke she has served as an adviser to us at school and to individual parents who have sought her out.  

As I mentioned when I introduced Dr. Roer, the  workshop topic is one that is important to us as parents, as we can all recall facing these issues as children or teens ourselves- or even as adults today.  Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies.  More than 80.7% of men express anxiety about their body image by focusing on perceived flaws and imperfections.  This all begins at a young age.  

This workshop was perfectly timed to occur right before Purim...No not because of all the high calorie nosh we consume, but because the message of Purim fit in perfectly with the goals of that evening.

In her article,  “Esther: Hidden Beauty,” Sara Esther Crispe speaks about that although most assume that Esther became queen due to her outward beauty, it was not exactly the case. “...the commentators note that it was miraculous that she was found to be attractive, as her physical appearance actually was quite unflattering. The Gemara in Megilla 13a  tells us that Esther was actually of a greenish complexion, but that she had a ‘thread of grace’  that was upon her.” Esther refused the perfumes or any other items that would have made her more physically attractive as she prepared for her interview with the king.  She was beautiful because her internal was beautiful.  When the internal is beautiful it will show through to the external.

In contrast, “Vashti, was a woman who garnered her attention by displaying her undressed body at royal gatherings. While her body itself was attractive, that was her only positive quality. When she was unable to flaunt her figure due to a horrific skin rash and boils, she had nothing to show for herself; in her refusal to display her body, she lost not only her position as queen, but her life as well.”  Vashti’s focus on external beauty was fleeting.  

How do we raise children who focus not only on their outsides- their external, and have healthy body images in a world where they are bombarded by messages that only our physical outsides is what is important?   ( ונהפןך הוא -the exact opposite message we want them to get!)

A protective factor for positive body image, stressed Dr. Roer,  is self- esteem. Poor self- esteem makes children vulnerable to body image issues and eating disorders. Children with low self-esteem, and those who are made to feel bad about their bodies, ultimately will have issues with food.  A child’s self- esteem not only comes from their peers, but also from how we parent them from a young age.  As parents we need to be mindful of the messages we send them daily.

 Dr. Roer continued with so many important tips regarding not assigning values to food- all food is good.  We never outlaw a type of food, but rather we eat in moderation.  She highlighted the success of authoritative parenting- which is caring, but also sets limits.  We need to be aware of our children making an association between stress or unhappiness with food. We are their role models. They need to see us eat, and even have dessert- all in moderation. Children should not hear their parents speaking badly about their own bodies.  We spoke about not having them “finish their plates,” and the topic of the chagim and eating was brought up in a question. Some other questions Dr. Roer targeted were: What if my child is always hungry?  What if she wants a night snack? What if my child’s doctor thinks that he/she  should go on a diet?  Dr. Roer stressed the importance of never making a child feel that he/she cannot eat something.  

Dr. Roer also mentioned the impact of the media on our children’s body images today.  Dr. Roer herself was involved with her mentor in the Israeli Photoshop Law, (which we talk about with our students in their body image sessions), which stipulated that fashion and commercial models should have a body-mass index of at least 18.5, and that computer-generated changes to make models appear thinner be noted along with the images.

Another area related to social media’s impact on body image has also become concerning to me.  (We did not, however, have the time to discuss this topic at our workshop). Rachel Simmons, the author of the famous Odd Girl Out,  discusses in her Time Magazine article “How Social Media Has Become A Toxic Mirror,” “Earlier this year, psychologists found robust cross-cultural evidence linking social media use to body image concerns, dieting, body surveillance, a drive for thinness and self-objectification in adolescents.”

We discuss this issue with our students in our body image classes. In fact, one article we read with them “Tell Me What You See Even If It Hurts Me- ‘Am I Pretty’ Videos- Posed To The Internet Raise Questions” speaks of teens who post videos of themselves to Youtube and actually ask people to respond whether they think the girl posting is pretty or ugly.  Girls often say, “Be honest.  I can take it.”  But it is not true. The only thing they learn from that experience is how cruel others can be.

“That nearly all the people in these videos seem to fall from 13 to 15 years old is not a coincidence, psychologists say. As young teenagers enter middle school, they start to leave behind the cocoon of family and childhood friends and reassess themselves by society’s standards. It’s what the psychologist Erik Erikson called the Identity Versus Confusion phase, when children struggle to understand how their emerging selves might fit into the larger picture. YouTube provides a modern resource for teenagers grappling with a timeless problem.”

As Common Sense Media writes in their article,  (which we again read with our students),  that social media is wreaking havoc on self- image.  Here are some of the statistics found in their research study:  35 percent are worried about people tagging them in unattractive photos.  27 percent feel stressed about how they look in posted photos. 22 percent felt bad about themselves if their photos were ignored.

Simmons points out that with free apps teens can alter their bodies in these photos, putting upon them tremendous pressure to be more beautiful.

What can we as parents do to help them in this era of social media?

1. We need to talk to them about the pictures they are posting.  
2. Ask them how they feel about the feedback of others? Why are they seeking the approval of others?
3. As Dr. Roer mentioned, from a young age we need to focus on healthy bodies, not what it looks like.  We also need to be careful about criticizing our own bodies in front of them.
4. Point out to them role models who  “challenge stereotypes about size and beauty and who are comfortable in their own skins.”
5. Help them post positive comments that support their friends for who they are and not what they look like.
6. Discuss being a critical media consumer.  Point out the unrealistic body ideals in the media.
7. Don’t forget to tell them you love them- every bit about them.  

Each one of our children is Esther HaMalka, (our boys as well!). As it says in Esther 2:9,

וַתִּיטַ֨ב הַנַּֽעֲרָ֣ה בְעֵינָיו֘ וַתִּשָּׂ֣א חֶ֣סֶד לְפָנָיו֒ “And the maiden pleased him, and she won his favor.”

 Why does it need to say twice that she was attractive in the eyes of Achashveirosh? (And, all this even before she is offered the ointments and items to make herself more beautiful).   Esther Rabba 6:9 states, “The Rabbis taught: Esther found favor in all that saw her, both in the upper world and in the lower world. As it says: (Proverbs 3) "And you will find favor and approbation in the eyes of God and man."  The Torah Temima comments that she was loved by angels and man. Angels do not care about appearances. They care about character.  It was her beautiful character that made her beautiful.  

The message of Esther is to help our little angels realize how beautiful they are on the inside.  Dr. Roer’s presentation reinvigorated us to rededicate ourselves to helping our children focus on what really counts.

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade- Students focused on how to organize one’s backpack, locker and home workspace.

Seventh Grade;  Students discovered the power of upbeat thinking.

Eighth Grade;  Students began a unit on the changing parent- child relationship in adolescence.