Pre- Super Bowl- It's Not Too Late For An Invite

Today I spent some time with a colleague of mine who is a psychologist in another school. The topic of the super bowl and parties inevitably came up.  We discussed the social pressure it places on children to feel included.  How terrible it feels for a child to have nowhere to go when it appears that all his/her friends have been invited.  I shared with her the column I sent out last year about that exact topic.  This conversation today came on the footsteps of a conversation I had with a parent in our school this past week about her child who was not invited to any super bowl parties.   In re-reading my last year’s column, I realize that I feel just as passionate about the issue as I did last year.  And, the issue is still relevant.  Last year, I sent out that column after the parties were all over… too late. So, although I send out my column on Sunday afternoons, I thought that perhaps a pre- super bowl column would be more impactful this week.  (I will quote some of what I wrote last year, and supplement as well).  

...One example I gave of joy- living a life of meaning and giving- was “by thinking about and reaching out to others...Did he think about the boy who was not invited to any super bowl party and reach out?” I wrote that example with no one boy  (or girl) in mind, but rather in thinking about all the boys and girls I’ve worked with in the past 22 years of working as a psychologist in schools.  Every year there is someone not invited to a super bowl party.  Every year there is someone worried that he will not be invited. Every year there is someone embarrassed to admit he hasn’t been invited. Every year someone is excluded and sitting on the sidelines.

It need not be particular to the super bowl.  Every year there is a girl who had no partner in Coke and Pepsi at that bat mitzvah.  Every year there is a boy who has no one who requests to room with him at Frost Valley.  Every year there is a girl who feels as if she has nowhere to sit during lunch. Every year there is a boy who is not invited to get together Shabbat afternoon.  It is all about inclusion and ensuring there is not social exclusion.

Bullying has become a hot topic over the past number of years. I admit I do see bullying from time to time, but more of what I see is a particular type- social exclusion.  Dr. Rick Lavoie, in his book Last One Picked First One Picked On notes that 15 out of 20 times a parents has put his/her head down to cry- it is not about a child’s academic struggles in school. It is about social rejection.  Dr. David Pelcovitz shared that when looking at the research, people rarely can recall physical pain. They almost always recall the emotional pain of being excluded.  And, conversely, the ones doing the social exclusion almost never recall doing so years later.

And, it is not just about the directly nasty things kids can do to each other. It is often more about the nonverbal messages that children send to one another.  Smiling, or choosing not to smile at another can change a whole child’s day.   Tone of voice- how you speak to another. Initiating warm greetings- especially in a group, is quickly interpreted as sending a message that this child belongs.  We need to explain to our children that sending social inclusion messages- non-verbal ones as well, can help a child feel as if he or she belongs.  Your child can then can become a leader in his demonstrating compassion.  One need not be a close friend to deserve a smile, a greeting or a kind tone of voice.  The message should be the same to all- you have a responsibility to make sure everyone feels welcome.  

I know I have discussed this before, but it bears repeating.  Social media is a powerful tool when it comes to social exclusion.  Snapchat, instagram- again, without directly being “mean” to another, one can hurt others.  Every time a child posts a photo of party he’s gone to or a shopping expedition with friends, another realizes he was left out.  I am not saying that one is not entitled to go out with a few friends. But, why rub the faces of those who were not invited in it?   “I thought I was her friend. But, then I realized I must not be, as everyone was there except for me.”  How hurtful can one be?

I know there are children who make it hard to befriend them due to their behavior.  Some children experiencing this exclusion fall under that category and some do not. Either way, I teach my children that every child deserves to feel included.  No matter what.  I do invite parents and children to share with me if there is a child who could use some help with some of those behaviors that do make it difficult- those do need work. But, at the same time, no one deserves to feel left out.

I will spend this coming  Shabbat in Fair Lawn in Congregation Ahavat Achim with some of our 8th graders and Yachad for the developmentally disabled.  Yachad’s slogan is “because everyone belongs.”  Yearly, when looking around the room at the Shabbaton, this slogan applies to the Yachad members themselves. However, it also applies to our Yavneh students. It gives me such joy to see some of our students who do not always feel that they belong shine and connect with their classmates. Everyone belongs at the Yachad Shabbaton.  No judgemental preconceptions. It does not matter who had the coolest clothes or who is the best athlete.  Sitting with the Yachad members, playing a game or singing a song is all that matters.  If only all of life was a Yachad Shabbaton.  

Our children will need to learn the skills to bounce back from rejection and social exclusion. Life is not truly a Yachad Shabbaton.  Despite that, as parents, we need to remind them that life each day is a giant super bowl party. We can’t invite everyone.  There is an abundance of social pressure to fit in- especially in the middle school years.  Somehow, everyone deserves an invitation.  What role can we play in making sure everyone has a party to go to?

In this week’s parasha the Jews received the Torah. When they arrived at Har Sinai the pasuk says, ויחן שם ישראל נגד ההר “And the Jews camped by the mountain.”  Why the word ויחן in singular?  Rashi says, “כאיש אחד בלב אחד”- they were united like “one man with one heart.”  I have often heard the imagery that this means that the Jewish people are like one body.  When my arm hurts, my whole body is in pain.  When one “member”  of the Jewish people hurts, we all hurt.  When someone in my class feels excluded, I should feel his/her pain.

So, perhaps we can ask our children to sit and think about the boy or girl in his/her class who probably does not have a place to go tomorrow. It’s not too late for an invite.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Graders-  Students discussed the challenges of working in groups or with partners and how to manage those challenges.

Seventh Graders- Rabbi Yitzy Haber addressed the 7th graders to launch their next unit in Advisory "When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity In Life."   Rabbi Haber shared his inspirational life story demonstrating through his humor how it is possible to cope and grow through life's difficulties. Our boys also did a lesson on the topic of foul language.

Eighth Graders-  Students began a unit their changing relationship with parents based on the movie Finding Nemo.