Sunday, March 4, 2018

A Springboard For "The Talk"


“Let us begin with a story: A young girl comes to her mother and asks, ‘Where do I come from?’ her mother turns red, swallows hard, and realized the time has come for ‘the talk.’  She sits her daughter down and tries her best to explain the topic of ‘the birds and the bees.’  After the long explanation, the girl turns to her mother and says, ‘I don’t understand. My friend Shuli from down the block comes from Brooklyn. Where do I come from?’”

This is the opening paragraph to Rabbi Benjamin Yudin’s article, (based on a talk he gave in 2006), “Talking To Our Kids About The Birds And The Bees”  found in the book that  just came out, Chinuch: Contemporary And Timeless.  Yes, most of us did laugh...nervously, as we read the story above.  Rabbi Yudin begins his article discussing that most of us probably do not recall sitting down and having “the talk” with our parents. But, in today’s world, such talks are imperative. Children today have access to the internet and are learning “from a source that leaves a lasting, potentially harmful impression.”  Rabbi Yudin leaves us with a question, “How do Torah-loyal Orthodox Jews combat and preempt these pervasive influences in order to ensure to that the first exposure on this matter will be al taharas hakodesh?”

This is a question I asked myself some years ago when we began the Adolescent Life Classes in sixth, seventh and eighth grades.  As I write to the parents in the letter introducing the classes: Our students learn about their physical and emotional development from the media- television, internet and their friends.  Often, the information they gain regarding their sexuality is incorrect, glamorized or even scary.   This is an opportunity for the students to learn what they need to know from a competent and halachically appropriate source.   ***(See below the topics we cover in our curriculum).

This week, we will begin these classes- starting with the 8th grade.  By the end of  March, each middle school grade will be introduced to a developmentally appropriate and Torah perspective on the physiological and social/emotional development they are experiencing in these adolescent years.  As you will see in the e-mail you will receive before the start of these classe with your child’s grade, each grade focuses on a different aspect. Just to draw your attention to a unit we have been doing in 7th grade for years now- predating the #MeToo movement- on sexual harassment and appropriate ways to treat the opposite gender.

Rabbi Yudin expresses perfectly the beauty of having a Torah role model having a talk with students about these topics.  In 8th grade, when we have the chance to talk more about relationships, the students have the privilege of their 2nd sessions being a Q and A with halachic role models in our community- Rabbi Binayim Krohn, rabbi of the  Young Israel of Teaneck for the boys and Mrs. Shoshana Samuels, yoetzet halacha for the girls.  Our students thereby see that not only does Judaism have what to say about relationships, but is is not shameful or “dirty.”  A primary goal in having these Q and A’s is for the students to see that there are leaders in their community who are available to answer questions and with whom they can consult, even after they leave yeshiva. These people are in touch with their community, understand from where they come, and are approachable.  

Rabbi Yudin stresses in his article, as we do in our 8th grade Adolescent Life class each year, “...the contrast between the Torah’s approach to sexuality and that of our host culture.  Christian society treats sexual activity as something lurid and dirty...Judaism, on the other hand, embraces sexual intimacy and imbues it with kedusha… The Jewish attitude… is remarkably free of guilt or shame...The Torah requires moderation and modesty in one’s sexual behavior, but never guilt or shame.”   

Although we are happy to have these classes in school, Rabbi Yudin stresses, again, “Nothing substitutes for the open dialogue that parents need to have with their children on this matter. The most important is that a child sees that a parent is willing and able to talk about this topic with him. This is at least as important as the content itself…”  

            The role of the parent is to then share how Judaism has laws that preserve the sanctity of intimacy. We talk in our 7th and 8th grade classes about how laws like Tnziut, Negiah, Yichud and even Taharat HaMishpacha are good and healthy for relationships.  We even talk about some of the secular research which substantiate the beauty of these laws. However, if children find the internet’s perspective first “he will get  his indoctrination elsewhere.”  

            A few years ago, we hosted Dr. Yocheved Debow, author of Talking About Intimacy and Sexuality: A Guide for Orthodox Jewish Parents, for a parent workshop.  She reiterated Rabbi Yudin’s stance that it is important to speak to our children about their bodies and intimacy before they are exposed to all that is out there so that it allows “an approach based on Jewish values to take firm root in the minds of our children before they are bombarded with messages from the media.”  

            Dr. Debow’s book, which I recommend, is full of practical advice for parents. She begins her book by stressing that while the reasons behind the mitzvot can demonstrate that mitzvot have positive results emotionally, we need to be careful.  “Reliance on reasons alone do not serve our children well...Our children need to be bolstered by faith” as well.

            I want to end with one story that Dr. Debow quotes in her book told by Netanel, age 15. “We were all at Eli’s. ‘Girls can get pregnant the first time,’ Josh said. ‘No way,’ said Eli. ‘Yeah its true,’ said Josh.  When I walked home with Coby I told him I wished I knew everything like Josh.  He said he didn’t think it was true.  I decided I was going to find out.  That night I went to the study to ask my dad.  I stood there for about fifteen minutes practicing what I was going to say.  It was too hard.  I decided it wasn’t worth it- I would just take Josh’s word for it.” Some of us don’t speak about these topics because we feel we have no training.  No one spoke to us about it and we did okay. Or we might feel uncomfortable. “We are making a strong statement, in our silence, that these are things not be talked about and that we or Judaism has nothing of value to say on these topics of sexuality and relationships.”

            Both Rabbi Yudin and Dr. Debow suggest how to start the conversation with your child. Might I suggest that following up from what your children learn with us in the next few weeks is a perfect opportunity to continue the conversation. Use our classes as a springboard. See the topics below covered in each grade and ask your children what they learned.  Make it clear that you are open and available for further discussion and questions. In sixth grade, part of the unit is helping them start a conversation with you. But, like Netanel above, very few will.  These Adolescent Life classes are your chance.


*** 6th grade:  To learn about the physiological changes they are going through in puberty.  For the girls, to continue from what they learned in the 5th grade.  For the boys, to have their first introduction.  They will be further introduced to the beginnings of  the changes they go through socially and emotionally. They will discuss the importance of turning to adults with questions.

7th Grade:  To continue with the physiological changes in more detail, and focus on reproduction.  Social/emotionally, they will begin to discuss the different ways they are beginning to view the opposite gender.  What do kids do to be noticed by the other gender? What has changed?  Being sensitive to the changes that each gender is going through. There is also a discussion of sexual harassment and appropriate way to treat the opposite gender.  We will also be focusing on body image and how technology/internet affects boy- girl relationships.  

8th Grade:  To discuss with them, What is a relationship?  What is appropriate for a Jewish teen in a relationship?   How does the media affect what we think relationships should be?  How to say, “No” when you are uncomfortable.  How are girls perceived by the boys? How does the way the girls comport themselves contribute to that view? How Judaism recognizes and understands sexuality yet proscribes self-control.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Through the video Sneetches students talked about how we exclude others in our setting.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the power of grit when it comes to resiliency.

Eighth Grade: Students wrote an instruction manual for their parents about what they would like their parents to know about them.






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