“Let us begin with a
story: A young girl comes to her mother and asks, ‘Where do I come from?’ her
mother turns red, swallows hard, and realized the time has come for ‘the talk.’
She sits her daughter down and tries her best to explain the topic of
‘the birds and the bees.’ After the long explanation, the girl turns to
her mother and says, ‘I don’t understand. My friend Shuli from down the block
comes from Brooklyn. Where do I come from?’”
This is the opening
paragraph to Rabbi Benjamin Yudin’s article, (based on a talk he gave in 2006),
“Talking To Our Kids About The Birds And The Bees” found in the book that
just came out, Chinuch: Contemporary And Timeless. Yes, most
of us did laugh...nervously, as we read the story above. Rabbi Yudin
begins his article discussing that most of us probably do not recall sitting
down and having “the talk” with our parents. But, in today’s world, such talks
are imperative. Children today have access to the internet and are learning
“from a source that leaves a lasting, potentially harmful impression.”
Rabbi Yudin leaves us with a question, “How do Torah-loyal Orthodox Jews
combat and preempt these pervasive influences in order to ensure to that the
first exposure on this matter will be al taharas hakodesh?”
This is a question I
asked myself some years ago when we began the Adolescent Life Classes in sixth,
seventh and eighth grades. As I write to the parents in the letter
introducing the classes: Our
students learn about their physical and emotional development from the media-
television, internet and their friends. Often, the information they gain
regarding their sexuality is incorrect, glamorized or even scary.
This is an opportunity for the students to learn what they need to
know from a competent and halachically appropriate source. ***(See below the topics we cover in our
curriculum).
This week, we will begin
these classes- starting with the 8th grade. By the end of March,
each middle school grade will be introduced to a developmentally appropriate
and Torah perspective on the physiological and social/emotional development
they are experiencing in these adolescent years. As you will see in the
e-mail you will receive before the start of these classe with your child’s
grade, each grade focuses on a different aspect. Just to draw your attention to
a unit we have been doing in 7th grade for years now- predating the #MeToo
movement- on sexual harassment and appropriate ways to treat the opposite
gender.
Rabbi Yudin expresses
perfectly the beauty of having a Torah role model having a talk with students
about these topics. In 8th grade, when we have the chance to talk more
about relationships, the students have the privilege of their 2nd sessions
being a Q and A with halachic role models in our community- Rabbi Binayim
Krohn, rabbi of the Young Israel of Teaneck for the boys and Mrs.
Shoshana Samuels, yoetzet halacha for the girls. Our students thereby see
that not only does Judaism have what to say about relationships, but is is not
shameful or “dirty.” A primary goal in having these Q and A’s is for the
students to see that there are leaders in their community who are available to
answer questions and with whom they can consult, even after they leave yeshiva.
These people are in touch with their community, understand from where they
come, and are approachable.
Rabbi Yudin stresses in
his article, as we do in our 8th grade Adolescent Life class each year, “...the
contrast between the Torah’s approach to sexuality and that of our host
culture. Christian society treats sexual activity as something lurid and
dirty...Judaism, on the other hand, embraces sexual intimacy and imbues it with
kedusha… The Jewish attitude… is remarkably free of guilt or shame...The Torah
requires moderation and modesty in one’s sexual behavior, but never guilt or
shame.”
Although we are happy to
have these classes in school, Rabbi Yudin stresses, again, “Nothing substitutes
for the open dialogue that parents need to have with their children on this
matter. The most important is that a child sees that a parent is willing and
able to talk about this topic with him. This is at least as important as the
content itself…”
The role of the parent is to then share how Judaism has
laws that preserve the sanctity of intimacy. We talk in our 7th and 8th grade
classes about how laws like Tnziut, Negiah, Yichud and even Taharat HaMishpacha
are good and healthy for relationships. We even talk about some of the secular
research which substantiate the beauty of these laws. However, if children find
the internet’s perspective first “he will get his indoctrination
elsewhere.”
A few years ago, we hosted Dr. Yocheved Debow, author of Talking About Intimacy and Sexuality: A Guide
for Orthodox Jewish Parents, for a parent workshop. She reiterated Rabbi Yudin’s stance
that it is important to speak to our children about their bodies and intimacy
before they are exposed to all that is out there so that it allows “an approach
based on Jewish values to take firm root in the minds of our children before
they are bombarded with messages from the media.”
Dr. Debow’s book, which I recommend,
is full of practical advice for parents. She begins her book by stressing that
while the reasons behind the mitzvot can demonstrate that mitzvot have positive
results emotionally, we need to be careful. “Reliance on reasons alone do
not serve our children well...Our children need to be bolstered by faith” as
well.
I want to end with one story that
Dr. Debow quotes in her book told by Netanel, age 15. “We were all at Eli’s.
‘Girls can get pregnant the first time,’ Josh said. ‘No way,’ said Eli. ‘Yeah
its true,’ said Josh. When I walked home with Coby I told him I wished I
knew everything like Josh. He said he didn’t think it was true. I
decided I was going to find out. That night I went to the study to ask my
dad. I stood there for about fifteen minutes practicing what I was going
to say. It was too hard. I decided it wasn’t worth it- I would just
take Josh’s word for it.” Some of us don’t speak about these topics because we
feel we have no training. No one spoke to us about it and we did okay. Or
we might feel uncomfortable. “We are making a strong statement, in our silence,
that these are things not be talked about and that we or Judaism has nothing of
value to say on these topics of sexuality and relationships.”
Both Rabbi Yudin and Dr. Debow
suggest how to start the conversation with your child. Might I suggest that
following up from what your children learn with us in the next few weeks is a
perfect opportunity to continue the conversation. Use our classes as a
springboard. See the topics below covered in each grade and ask your children
what they learned. Make it clear that you are open and available for
further discussion and questions. In sixth grade, part of the unit is helping
them start a conversation with you. But, like Netanel above, very few will.
These Adolescent Life classes are your chance.
*** 6th grade: To learn about
the physiological changes they are going through in puberty. For the
girls, to continue from what they learned in the 5th grade. For the boys,
to have their first introduction. They will be further introduced to the
beginnings of the changes they go through socially and emotionally. They
will discuss the importance of turning to adults with questions.
7th Grade: To continue with
the physiological changes in more detail, and focus on reproduction. Social/emotionally,
they will begin to discuss the different ways they are beginning to view the
opposite gender. What do kids do to be noticed by the other gender? What
has changed? Being sensitive to the changes that each gender is going through.
There is also a discussion of sexual harassment and appropriate way to treat
the opposite gender. We will also be focusing on body image and how
technology/internet affects boy- girl relationships.
8th Grade: To discuss with them, What is a
relationship? What is appropriate for a Jewish teen in a relationship?
How does the media affect what we think relationships should be?
How to say, “No” when you are uncomfortable. How are girls
perceived by the boys? How does the way the girls comport themselves contribute
to that view? How Judaism recognizes and understands sexuality yet proscribes
self-control.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Through the video Sneetches students talked
about how we exclude others in our setting.
Seventh Grade: Students discussed the power of grit when it
comes to resiliency.
Eighth Grade: Students wrote an instruction manual for their
parents about what they would like their parents to know about them.
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