Proactive Prevention

            This Tuesday and Wednesday, as parents,  we will be working on protecting our middle schoolers from two areas of potential addiction. The first is phone addiction. As Ana Homayan writes in her article “Is Your Child A Phone Addict?”

“ A 2016 survey from Common Sense Media found that half of teenagers felt addicted to their devices, and 78 percent checked their devices at least hourly. Seventy-two percent of teens felt pressured to respond immediately to texts, notifications and social media messaging. A 2015 Pew Research report found that 73 percent of 13- to 17-year-olds had their own smartphones or had access to one, and 24 percent said they were online ‘almost constantly...For some teens, the constant potential feedback loop from notifications and messaging might create a fear of missing out, or FOMO. And although there is currently no official medical recognition of ‘smartphone addiction’ as a disease or disorder, the term refers to obsessive behaviors that disturb the course of daily activities in a way that mirrors patterns similar to substance abuse.”

This week, in the Jewish Standard, a 9th grader, Felicia Stendig speaks of her two weeks without her cellphone and how it allowed her to return to “drawing, reading, and even revising some of my uncompleted work while my other classmates were on their phones.”   She learned that if you “hide behind your phone, you can miss out on life’s biggest opportunities.” 

            Here is a link to an article I wrote some weeks ago about cellphone addiction and our teens and what our Yavneh Academy Technology Committee has worked on, under the leadership of our YPAA, to establish suggested guidelines: ”Cellphones Continued”.  

In the article, I also referred to the unified shut-off times about which we surveyed the parents. This Tuesday we will be sending out the results of the unified shut-off times for grades 3-8. Our middle schoolers will be introduced to these shut-off times for a few minutes after Tefilla on Tuesday. What is then the parent's role? To discuss these shut-off times with your children and so that we as parents can unite and help our children disconnect together.

            The second area of addiction that we as Yavneh parents will be targeting is substance use and particularly vaping, which has struck the middle school age as well.  Rabbi Knapp, members of the middle school administrative team and myself have been an integral part of the Communities Confronting Substance Abuse (CCSA) organization, started by Lianne and Etial Forman, who are members of our community and have a daughter who began substance use in her middle school years.  The Formans have brought all the Bergen county yeshivot together to brainstorm and plan when it comes to educating our students, our faculty and our parents.  In fact, our middle school faculty went through the first training offered through the CCSA and the School and Family Services for the Center for Alcohol and Drug Resources on substance use risk factors and vaping just a few weeks ago.  This training explored what it is like to be a middle schooler in 2019 and what schools can do to support youth in their social and emotional development along with their academic development. The presentation also educated faculty on what substance abuse issues middle schoolers are exposed to, what to look out for in the classroom, and what to do if a student needs help.

            To continue the focus on parent education, as you have read in the e-mails you have received, we will join with the other local middle schools this Wednesday in partnership with CCSA and the Bergen County Prevention Coalition,  to sponsor an event entitled “Hidden in Plain Sight,” an interactive program where parents will be able to observe a mock-up of a teenager’s bedroom and where alcohol, drugs and other paraphernalia could be hidden. There will also be a Q&A session with the prevention experts from the Coalition.  This will be an important evening that parents do not want to miss.  If you did not get a chance to read Etiel Forman’s article in The Jewish Link on the dangers of vaping facing our teens and the importance of this evening, please read his article ”Just When You Thought Nicotine Addiction Was Declining: Talking To Our Children About Vaping”  

            As we celebrate President’s Day, I consider a quote from President George Washington, which explains the importance of the two initiatives I have described.  “Experience teaches us that it is much easier to prevent an enemy from posting themselves than it is to dislodge them after they have got possession.”   We know that Hashem often creates the “refuah lifnei hamaka” - the cure even before the plague has begun.  As parents and educators, we focus on prevention and need to be proactive and strengthen ourselves so that the plague does not strike.  Since I began prevention educations over 20 years ago, I have come to see how essential it is to begin this education in middle school.  Parents used to say to me, “This doesn’t apply to me now. My child is only a ‘tween.’” Why wait until the enemy of addiction (whether digital or substance) is in our homes?  Once it strikes that enemy is difficult to “dislodge” after he has taken “possession” of our children. 

            So, as parents, we have two jobs this week  to proactively target the addiction facing our teens.  First, we are considering sharing and enforcing the device shut-off times with our children. Second, we are trying to attend the Hidden In Plain Sight parent workshop at BPY  Wednesday evening.  I look forward to seeing you there.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade; Our sixth graders are knee deep in their organization unit and focused on cleaning out their lockers and bookbags.

Seventh Grade: Students focused on the positive impact of affirmations and positive self- talk in combatting daily stress.

Eighth Grade: Cheating and sports were the area of focus this week- spurred on by the Patriots’ win.  How lessons about cheating can we learn from celebrities in the media?  Are we immune?  

Superbowl Champions- Lessons For Life

As the Patriots won their sixth Superbowl last week, it was clear that hatred of the Patriots had become widespread. (This, despite the fact that the Patriots’ owner, Robert Kraft, has been an outspoken supporter of Israel and a Jewish philanthropist who recently was awarded Israel’s 2019 Genesis Prize).  There are numerous hypotheses suggested for why this dislike of the Patriots has proliferated. One such suggestion has been that they are cheaters.  Perhaps due to the 2015’s Deflategate, where they were accused of having deflated footballs, (illegal as it makes the balls easier to control).  This scandal led to a four-game suspension for Tom Brady.  Then, of course, the rumor that the visitor’s locker room in the Patriot’s home field, Gilette stadium, is bugged so they can spy on the opposing team. Then there is Spygate, where they illegally videotaped the hand signals of the opposing team. With all this in mind, the Patriots have developed a reputation for being cheaters.

 This discussion is definitely a “ Superbowl teachable moment” for our children. (In Advisory we will discuss with the 8th graders, who happen to be in the middle of a unit about cheating, what we can learn from this “Patriot hatred”).  Here are some issues to bring to the fore:

a. “The best indicator of future performance is past behavior.” Because the Patriots have cheated in the past they have lost our trust. Where does the loss of trust come into play here?  We ask our children,   “How does that apply to our lives? In general, how does our behavior (good or bad) reflect on who we are and impact the impression people have of us?  How might our behavior impact the loss of trust with our parents or  friends?” It is important for children to realize that when we choose to act in a certain way it does not only impact that moment. It also impacts our future.

b. It takes time to build one’s reputation and a good reputation can be lost in an instant.  “How does one develop a good and honest reputation? Why is that important?”

c. Success at all costs- “If you win or succeed, but cheated to get there, is it worth it? How will that feel?”

            In David Wagner’s 2015 article, “NFL Cheating Scandal: 4 Lessons For CIOs, he outlines some other takeaways for our children.  Wagner writes, “So if the recent allegations are true, the team doesn't get to go to the Super Bowl, right? They get fired, right? They're never allowed in the NFL again, right? Isn't that how it works in your enterprise? You cheat or you steal and you go home, right?”  In life, cheaters do at times prosper.  I still recall, in a different school, the story of the salutatorian whom everyone knew cheated on tests. Our children will experience situations where cheaters will get ahead.  Discuss with them how frustrating this can be. But,  how about those of us who don't cheat- how does it make us feel? How can we deal with that frustration while sticking to our values and even being proud of the fact that we won’t cheat to get ahead?

            “Beware the ‘everybody does it’ assumption.” This is often a common excuse for cheating.  Does it make it okay? “Exchange the ‘everybody does it’ mindset with the ‘you will get caught and it does matter’ rule.”

 “ Intent matters more than the outcome.” Some might maintain, “No harm, no foul, right?” or “My cheating does not harm anyone else, so what is the difference?”  But, this is not the case.

And, then there is the discussion about whether it matters, as highlighted in the article

“Why is Cheating in Sports Such a Big Deal?”  “If the purpose of sports is to provide you with entertainment for 3 hours on a Saturday afternoon, then does it really matter if players are taking steroids, scuffing baseballs, holding without the ref’s calling it, or lying about who touched the ball last before it went out of bounds?”  We discuss with our students whether we can look up to an athlete (or for that matter, a singer, actor etc.), who has done something immoral.  

            In 2018, Hasbro came out with a new game called Monopoly’s Cheaters Edition.  As Lisa Milibrand writes in her article, “Is Monopoly's New ‘Cheaters Edition’ Giving Kids the Wrong Idea?”If Monopoly is to be believed, cheaters can indeed prosper. That's the MO behind the newest version of the game, the Cheaters Edition, which encourages you to bend and break the rules to come out ahead and win it all. The game pushes players to sneak cash out of another player's stash, underpay their rent, or shortchange an opponent when giving them money back on their rent in order to line their pockets. (Though apparently, if they do get caught, they might end up in jail—which at least lends a bit of a consequence and risk to the proceedings.)

            Milibrand wonders if the wrong message is being sent to our children by this new game- that a little cheating is okay as long as you come out a winner.  As Alyson Schaefer, author of Honey, I Wrecked the Kids, asserts, "Play is supposed to help kids learn. But the difference between fantasy and reality for younger kids is not always clear. Teaching them to win at any cost—they'll translate these strategies into other things, like forging parents' signature, or copying off someone's exam page."

Our yeshiva children are not at all immune. In 2011, an SAT cheating scandal, involving some Jewish high school students broke and was a source of embarrassment for our community. Why do students cheat? The intense pressure for certain grades. And, as noted in the article “Cheating easy as A-B-C- Students say grade pressure, classroom culture pushes them to cut corners” By Jennifer Anderson, this intense pressure is noted. Overall the culture has changed.  “In the 1980s, there was a considerable amount of social condemnation for cheating. Now, there’s little social condemnation for most forms of cheating. As cheating has become more prevalent, he says, the cultural values and norms of society have shifted. And now that cheating is the dominant behavior, it’s become the social norm. Social norms, by their very nature, are not wrong.”

We raise our children to understand that cheating is in fact, “gneivat daat” - “stealing one’s mind”  or misleading or deceiving which is an actual form of theft. As the Rambam in Hilchot Deot 2:6 shares that “What he feels in his heart should be the same as the words on his lips.”  Whether by returning the extra change that the shopkeeper accidentally gave, going back to the store when you realize an item was placed in your bag for which you did not pay, or refusing to fudge the age of a child to get the underage fee at the movies, we are daily role models of living lives free from deceit.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on Organization skills and learned the P.A.C.K. method for organizing.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned about negative thinking and types of negative self-talk that hold us back in life.

Eighth Grade: Students focused on why students cheat.

Coping With Rejection In Life

This week’s Jewish Link contained an article by Rabbi Larry Rothwachs “The High School Admissions Process: A Plea on Behalf of Our Children” at https://www.jewishlinknj.com/features/29321-the-high-school-admissions-process-a-plea-on-behalf-of-our-children. In it, Rabbi Rothwachs discusses the reality of the limited number of seats in our local high schools and the pain felt by the children who are rejected.  Working in a middle school, I have come to truly understand the anxiety of our 8th graders before they hear from the high schools, and then the deep sadness and shame felt by those who do not get into the schools of their choice.   We attempt, as best as we can, to help those students understand that it is not necessarily a reflection of a lacking on their part, and whichever school gets them is lucky to have them.  And, even when the school to which they are admitted may even be in the long-term the best choice for the child, the rejection is so painful.  Thank you to Rabbi Rothwachs for bringing this issue to the consciousness of our community.

 (Please note that we do discuss with the children in Advisory how to manage their acceptances and rejections.  We share:

1. We know that your first reaction will be to share the news with everyone via social media.  Remember that your “great” news may be someone else’s “bad” news. Meaning, how hurtful and painful it is when you are gloating that you got in when your friend did not.  We recommend staying private with your news.
2. You will all be going to high school and all our high schools are wonderful- even if you did not get into the one of your choice. If you did not get in- there is no obligation on your part to run and tell your friends either. You are entitled to your privacy and it’s okay to tell your friends, “I don’t know where I am going yet”- as you may be still reaching out to your first choice to discuss getting in. There’s no “mitzvah” to feel vulnerable with your friends.  
3. We are all available to discuss with you no matter what the outcome).

Our children, unfortunately, will all face some rejection in life. Whether it’s an admission to a school, being “dumped” by a girlfriend, inviting his friend to a superbowl get-together and being turned down for the “cooler” party, not making the team etc.  As parents, our first step is to validate their feelings, “I know you really hoped to get into that college. It must be so upsetting.”  It is important that we keep our cool and not overreact when they are rejected and not, for example, get angry at the coach for his not making the team.  Be supportive rather than angry, which can just exacerbate her feelings of rejection. We need to stress to our children that their value is not linked to their achievements, but more importantly to their character.  In general, as they grow, we need to underscore that failure is a learning experience even though it might feel terrible. In life, not everyone is going to like us or want us, but that is okay. We need to help our children feel that “Yes, I may not be his girlfriend anymore, but there are better relationships out there for me.”  or “I didn’t get into that school, but in reality, there are excellent opportunities in the other school.”   At times, rejection stories from our own lives are helpful and can bridge the gap between us and our children.  We need to get the sense of whether they are ready to hear those stories.  We can model for them how we dealt and deal with rejection.  As parents, we can also try to help lift their spirits. Go to a movie, get your nails done- something to show you are there for them and life will go on.

When all else fails, when it comes specifically to high school admissions, Frank Bruni wrote a book about college admissions Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania. He stresses not to give the admissions process so much importance. Rather, he says “…the nature of a student’s college experience—the work that he or she puts into it, the skills that he or she picks up, the self-examination that’s undertaken, the resourcefulness that’s honed—matters more than the name of the institution attended.”  Who he will become in the next four years, which is integrally connected to the wonderful qualities your child has inside of him,  is more important that the name of the high school he attends. 

One other important perspective to help deal with rejection is emunah. I know it might sound “cheesy” or “frumie”  but in my discussions with disappointed teens, the focus on emunah truly works.  Last year, I learned a piece of a book called Living  Emunah for Teens by Rabbi David Ashear along with some 8th graders.  In the book, he gives many practical ideas that lead to emunah.  Rabbi Ashear’s book starts with “Letters from G-d” “Good night, Leah. Listen, I know you feel bad about the C you got on your test, and the D you got in your other class, and all your other grades.  But don’t worry.  Pretty soon someone is going to suggest a change for you. You are going to be successful and also meet your best friend for life.  Forget about the grades and go to sleep. Remember, Leah, I love you.”  

“Good morning, Reuven. I just want you to know that today, your friend Yaakov is going to say something that will seem thoughtless and insulting.  But don’t worry. If you overlook it, all will be well. And, that toothache- it will become a little cavity instead of a root canal.  Remember, whatever happens, it’s coming from Me.  I’m looking out for you.”

 Imagine if, throughout the day, you found messages from Hashem.  When you faced a challenge, He would let you know that He sees what you’re going through and has the whole situation in hand.  When something good happened, it came with a note attached that said,’This is something special, just for you.’ There would be no greater source of courage, comfort, and joy in our lives.  We would have no worries. We would feel pampered and protected at all times, even in the midst of something that would otherwise be unpleasant.  If you can imagine living like this, then you can imagine what life is like for someone who lives with rock-solid emunah.

            Upon reading these words I immediately thought of my Zeidi, a”h.  My grandfather was a Holocaust survivor who lost most of his family.  And, yet he always had emunah, and complete confidence in the future. No matter what happened in life, he was always able to see the positive.  His belief that G-d was doing all for the best, helped him see the cup half full instead of half empty.  I truly feel that his emunah was the secret to both his spiritual and financial success in life.  Emunah helps us deal with disappointment and rejection. From a young age, if we can remind our children that both good and not so good events come from G-d, then they can more easily cope with any situation that lies ahead.

           

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders discussed real-life 6th grade scenarios acted out by our teachers and brainstormed solutions to manage the situations.

Seventh Grade: Students learned about skills leading to seeing negative situations with positive “glasses.”

Eight Grade: Students began a unit on cheating and its practical applications in their lives.