This week’s Jewish
Link contained an article by Rabbi Larry Rothwachs “The High School
Admissions Process: A Plea on Behalf of Our Children” at https://www.jewishlinknj.com/features/29321-the-high-school-admissions-process-a-plea-on-behalf-of-our-children. In it, Rabbi Rothwachs discusses the reality of the limited
number of seats in our local high schools and the pain felt by the children who
are rejected. Working in a middle school, I have come to truly understand
the anxiety of our 8th graders before they hear from the high schools, and then
the deep sadness and shame felt by those who do not get into the schools of
their choice. We attempt, as best as we can, to help those students
understand that it is not necessarily a reflection of a lacking on their part,
and whichever school gets them is lucky to have them. And, even when the school to which they are
admitted may even be in the long-term the best choice for the child, the
rejection is so painful. Thank you to Rabbi Rothwachs for bringing this
issue to the consciousness of our community.
(Please note that we do discuss with the
children in Advisory how to manage their acceptances and rejections. We
share:
- We know that your first reaction will be to share the
news with everyone via social media. Remember that your “great” news
may be someone else’s “bad” news. Meaning, how hurtful and painful it is
when you are gloating that you got in when your friend did not. We
recommend staying private with your news.
- You will all be going to high school and all our high
schools are wonderful- even if you did not get into the one of your
choice. If you did not get in- there is no obligation on your part to run
and tell your friends either. You are entitled to your privacy and it’s
okay to tell your friends, “I don’t know where I am going yet”- as you may
be still reaching out to your first choice to discuss getting in. There’s
no “mitzvah” to feel vulnerable with your friends.
- We are all available to discuss with you no matter what
the outcome).
Our children,
unfortunately, will all face some rejection in life. Whether it’s an admission
to a school, being “dumped” by a girlfriend, inviting his friend to a superbowl
get-together and being turned down for the “cooler” party, not making the team
etc. As parents, our first step is to validate their feelings, “I know
you really hoped to get into that college. It must be so upsetting.” It is important that we keep our cool and not
overreact when they are rejected and not, for example, get angry at the coach
for his not making the team. Be supportive rather than angry, which can
just exacerbate her feelings of rejection. We need to stress to our children
that their value is not linked to their achievements, but more importantly to
their character. In general, as they
grow, we need to underscore that failure is a learning experience even though
it might feel terrible. In life, not everyone is going to like us or want us,
but that is okay. We need to help our children feel that “Yes, I may not be his
girlfriend anymore, but there are better relationships out there for me.”
or “I didn’t get into that school, but in reality, there are excellent
opportunities in the other school.” At
times, rejection stories from our own lives are helpful and can bridge the gap
between us and our children. We need to
get the sense of whether they are ready to hear those stories. We can model for them how we dealt and deal
with rejection. As parents, we can also
try to help lift their spirits. Go to a movie, get your nails done- something
to show you are there for them and life will go on.
When
all else fails, when it comes specifically to high school admissions, Frank
Bruni wrote a book about college admissions Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll
Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania. He stresses not to
give the admissions process so much importance. Rather, he says “…the nature of
a student’s college experience—the work that he or she puts into it, the skills
that he or she picks up, the self-examination that’s undertaken, the
resourcefulness that’s honed—matters more than the name of the institution
attended.” Who he will become in the next four years, which is integrally
connected to the wonderful qualities your child has inside of him, is more important that the name of the high
school he attends.
One other important
perspective to help deal with rejection is emunah. I know it might sound
“cheesy” or “frumie” but in my discussions with disappointed teens, the
focus on emunah truly works. Last year,
I learned a piece of a book called Living Emunah for Teens by
Rabbi David Ashear along with some 8th graders. In the book, he gives
many practical ideas that lead to emunah. Rabbi Ashear’s book starts with
“Letters from G-d” “Good night, Leah. Listen, I know you feel bad about the C
you got on your test, and the D you got in your other class, and all your other
grades. But don’t worry. Pretty
soon someone is going to suggest a change for you. You are going to be
successful and also meet your best friend for life. Forget about the grades and go to sleep.
Remember, Leah, I love you.”
“Good morning, Reuven. I just want you to know
that today, your friend Yaakov is going to say something that will seem
thoughtless and insulting. But don’t worry. If you overlook it, all will
be well. And, that toothache- it will become a little cavity instead of a root
canal. Remember, whatever happens, it’s
coming from Me. I’m looking out for you.”
Imagine
if, throughout the day, you found messages from Hashem. When you faced a
challenge, He would let you know that He sees what you’re going through and has
the whole situation in hand. When something good happened, it came with a
note attached that said,’This is something special, just for you.’ There would
be no greater source of courage, comfort, and joy in our lives. We would
have no worries. We would feel pampered and protected at all times, even in the
midst of something that would otherwise be unpleasant. If you can imagine living like this, then you
can imagine what life is like for someone who lives with rock-solid emunah.
Upon reading these words I immediately thought of my Zeidi, a”h.
My grandfather was a Holocaust survivor who lost most of his family.
And, yet he always had emunah, and complete confidence in the future. No
matter what happened in life, he was always able to see the positive. His
belief that G-d was doing all for the best, helped him see the cup half full
instead of half empty. I truly feel that
his emunah was the secret to both his spiritual and financial success in life.
Emunah helps us deal with disappointment and rejection. From a young age,
if we can remind our children that both good and not so good events come from
G-d, then they can more easily cope with any situation that lies ahead.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Sixth
graders discussed real-life 6th grade scenarios acted out by our teachers and
brainstormed solutions to manage the situations.
Seventh Grade: Students learned about skills leading to seeing negative
situations with positive “glasses.”
Eight Grade: Students
began a unit on cheating and its practical applications in their lives.
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