Because I Said So!

“Why do I have to do that?” “Because I said so!” Is it politically correct for parents to respond in that manner in today’s day and age? 

 As I have discussed many times before in my column three types of parenting styles have been identified based on the work of Diana Baumrind- authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive.  Permissive parents make few demands on their children. They are lenient and avoid confrontation.   Children of these parents grow up entitled and rebellious when any limits are set.  Authoritative parents are strict, consistent and loving and can adjust their expectations to the needs of the child. They hope their children will internalize their goals. They are demanding and responsive. They are assertive, but not restrictive.  Children of this style seem to be the most well-adjusted and competent.  Authoritarian parents focus on obedience and try to break the will of a child through coercion and power.  They are controlling and never believe in bending any rules, with an extreme sense of justice.   Children of these parents are more timid and have lower self-esteem.  

           

Where does the “Because I said so!” fit in?  Is that authoritarian parenting?   Can an authoritative parent ever use those words? 

This question came to my mind as I had a discussion in my 8th grade Navi class as we learned about Shlomo HaMelech’s accumulation of many horses and many wives despite the mitzvah in the Torah in Devarim 17:16 against a king doing so.   This is why it states in Gemara Sanhedrin 21b that rationales behind the Torah commandments are not generally revealed as people (such as Shlomo- as this is one of the few times in the Torah where a reason for a mitzvah is mentioned!) may rely on their own wisdom to reason that that mitzvah does not apply to them and therefore they need not do it.   If they know the reason behind the mitzvah they may rationalize that it does not apply to them or not at that time.            

            HaRav Saadiah Gaon splits the mitzvot into types- מצוות שכליות- logical mitzvot that make sense- we would have enacted them even if Hashem hadn’t commanded them (ex. Don’t kill), and מצוות שמעיות- mitzvot that do not make logical, intuitive sense (שמעיות from the word “to listen” - we do them because we are listening to Hashem).   But, we do them all, both logical and illogical mitzvot, as the Abarbanel in Vayikra 19:2 says, because Hashem commanded us to do so.  As it says in Vayikra, “Because I am Hashem.”   

            This Abarbanel reminded me of that phrase we often say as parents to our children, “Because I said so.”  This phrase has become shunned in the modern-day parenting era in which we live.  Today it is deemed as a negative phrase.  Today’s youth are not used to being responded to without a rationale and a discussion. They think everything is up for debate. 

Let’s be clear.  No one is saying we shouldn’t discuss reasons with our children.  And, in fact, as we pointed out in my Navi class, the rationales for most mitzvot may not be found in the Torah, but can be found in parshanim, commentaries, needed for the time period in which we live. Hashem knows that the rationales help us perform the mitzvot with more sincerity and commitment, but they are not the reason we do the mitzvot!  

            Children can participate in the discussion, but in the end, the parent calls the shots. While it is wonderful to include children in problem-solving, brainstorming and planning- as including them does make it less likely that we will get push-back, not all situations require discussion.  The fine balance between explaining and using “Because I said so” is the fine balance of authoritative parenting. 

“Because I said so,” is not necessarily inappropriate if it is said without sarcasm. If a parent asks a child to do something, i.e. Clean your room.  And she asks, “Why do I have to?” You might then explain the rationale, “You have a lot of free time today and Grandma will be here in 20 minutes?”  She responds, “But, why can’t I watch my show first?”  Then after the back and forth it is perfectly appropriate and fine to respond, “Because I said so.”  Saying this phrase calmly stops us from being pulled into an argument when they refuse to comply. “Because I said so,” often ends a power struggle. 

John Rosemond, author of the book, Grandma Was Right After All, maintains that “Because I said so” is often demonized.  He feels that when we say, “‘Because I said so,’  when stated calmly and straightforwardly is nothing more harmful than an affirmation of the legitimacy of parental authority. The long form would be something along the lines of ‘I provide for your provision and protection; furthermore, I am not your peer. I am your superior in every sense of the term. Therefore, I am not required to, nor will I, justify all my decisions and instructions to you’.(Note: I added the word “all”). The parent is an adult; the child is not. The child is completely dependent upon the parent for his or her very survival. The parent would take a bullet for the child; the likelihood that the child would take a bullet for the parent is slim to none. For those reasons, the parent's authority over the child is legitimate.”  Rosemond feels that parents hesitate to say those words and therefore rampant disobedience can be found among youth today. 

Parents are in charge of the family. Children need the security of the setting of firm limits and routines and predictability.  Older children can have a say in setting those routines, and even teens benefit from those set routines.  Once perimeters and rules have been established, choices can be offered.  We might say, “Time for bed- do you want to read first or have a snack first?”  But, there is no question- it is bedtime.   We use those words, “Because I said so,” when we have already made ourselves clear by setting rules that are consistently enforced.  So, you might choose to say, “You already know the reason for that…”  instead of “Because I said so.” 

I would like to add that when we say those words, “Because I said so,” we are really saying, “I have spent time building a trusting relationship with you.  Sometimes I will ask you to do things without offering you a three-paragraph explanation.  But, you know you can trust me.” So, we are saying, “Because I said so, and you can trust me. I love you. ” 

Laura Kuehn writes in her article, “‘Because I said so!’ Can I Say That?” that there are times when it is not okay to say “Because I said so.”  When we are too busy answering e-mails or not wanting to take the time to answer our children.  In that case, “Because I said so” may be a cover-up for a poorly thought-out plan.  We also don’t say “Because I said so” when we are angry, in a shouting authoritarian way.  And, there are times they are truly curious and want to know. We do not use “Because I said so,” to squash that interest. If we are not equipped to answer at that moment we ask if we can discuss the answer to their “why” another time.

G-d is “אבינו שבשמים” - our Father in Heaven, and a role model for us in parenting- THE parenting expert.  While He encourages the discussion of the reasons, טעמי המצוות, as He knows it will assist us in “buy-in” and following mitzvot with more excitement and dedication, He also teaches us the importance of saying “Because I said so.”  We trust in our Father and in His wisdom that He wants what’s best for us, even if we do not always understand why.  We too can imitate Hashem by building that trust daily, knowing when the reasons are needed and knowing when “Because I say so” is the right answer. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began learning the P.A.C.K. method to organization in organizing their backpack. 

Seventh Grade: Students learned the strategies of upbeat thinking in coping with difficulty.

Eighth Grade:  Students targeted the topic of cheating.

Lessons From The Super Bowl And Super Kids!

It’s that time of year again- my post-Super Bowl column. Each year I consider lessons that we can learn from the big game. I learned much from the game this year. 

The first thing I learned is that our kids are amazing!  Well, I didn’t exactly learn that from the game itself, but rather from attending a Super Bowl party- does that count as learning something from the Super Bowl?  I had the privilege of attending the Yachad Super Bowl Bash with almost 20 of our students.  Kayla Blumenfeld, who coordinated the party and is a Yavneh graduate!, shared with me that so many of the Yachad members’ siblings were invited to parties and they never were themselves. They ran their first Super Bowl party last year.  Yachad members said that for the first time they felt like everyone else on Super Bowl Sunday. They felt like they belonged.  

            Weeks ago we had been discussing the idea of a way to make sure all at Yavneh students feel like they belong on Super Bowl Sunday. And, then it hit me!  What if we reach out to Yachad to do a Super Bowl party with them? It is a great opportunity for those who don’t yet have plans and even those who do, to do something fun and fulfilling on that Sunday.  When I called Kayla she told me about the party they started last year and that she would love to have Yavneh students.  

I proudly watched how our students (and alumni) interacted with the Yachad members, playing limbo, musical chairs, freeze dance and simply watching the game.  Some of the students had plans that night but were delaying going to friends until after halftime, when the Yachad event would be over. Others made this event their plans for the evening, stating that chesed is a priority in their lives. 

While seeing the smiles on their faces I saw evidence of that  good feeling one often feels after doing chesed called the “helper’s high.”  Our brain actually releases endorphins- the feel-good chemicals in our brains, when we do something for someone else. Interestingly enough, Jessica Cotney, from the University of Sussex, presented research that even just reflecting on having been kind in the most month improves a teenager’s mood!  So, the next time your teen is in a grumpy mood, get her off the couch to do something good for someone. 

The second lesson I learned from the Super Bowl was, as Sally Jenkins from the Washington Post noted, “The lasting lesson of this Super Bowl- failure is necessary.” “There were failures all over the Super Bowl field. They were everywhere you looked, the losers, drifters and discards.  There were the guys who went undrafted, the guys who had been cut or traded or lowballed.  There were the coaches who knew how it felt to be fired.  What that should tell you is to never underestimate the virtues of failing.” Coach Andy Reid had finished every single postseason as a head coach with a loss, but he always came back for more, “willing to experience the radiological exposure of failure.”  This is Reid’s first championship after 21 years of trying.  His team was down by 10 early in the fourth quarter, but he did not give up. Jenkins points out that more than a quarter of the players were considered unworthy at one point in their careers as there were 28 undrafted free agents in the game. We learn from the Chiefs not to give up, even when failure may be approaching, or one has confronted failure in the past.   As Winston Churchill said, “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”  In order to be able to win, you have to be able to lose.  More importantly, one needs to lose without losing heart, as Jenkins says.  

We know that negative experiences of failure are more common in life for most.   Sports has much to teach us when it comes to failure. “You can’t improve something until you’ve stressed it.”  First one needs to find one’s weaknesses. Only then can you improve them.  But, the experience of finding one’s weakness can be quite devastating.  The same is true in engineering and science. Often one must break things or fail in order to uncover a breakthrough. Thomas Edison was known for this truth. In our Advisory class, our 7th graders learn the secret to resiliency and bouncing back from failure.  Thomas Edison is used an example as he is known for his grit. He is famous for his quotes such as, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.” Or, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 100,000 ways that won’t work.”  Or “I can never find the thing that does the job best until I find the ones that don’t.”  It is all in the perspective. 

The secret is “the ability to patiently diagnose and learn” after failure. It is not just about the ability to keep trying that determines success, but to keep trying in an organized, structured, thought out way. One needs to decide which changes will make a difference and have the courage to try them. That is what the Chiefs had. Last year they were so close. Reid told them they were just “four inches off..and we decided we could all do four inches better.” 

In the past, I have quoted the famous acronym that F.A.I.L. means "First Attempt In Learning.” I recently heard that the end is not the end, in fact, E.N.D. means "Effort Never Dies"; If you get No as an answer, remember N.O. means "Next Opportunity." 

Shlomo HaMelech states in Mishlei 24:16,

“A righteous person falls seven times and gets up.”  These failures apply to all areas of life, including spiritual growth.  Rav Hutner said on these words, “The fool thinks the righteous person gets up despite his falls; the wise person understands that he can only ‘get up’ and grow because he falls.  You have fallen numerous times, and you will fall again numerous times. That is not, G-d forbid, a negative prediction, but a fact of life. But there is a concept of ‘losing a battle yet winning the war’. You can fall to your evil inclination time and time again. But as long as you are resilient and dust yourself off and continue to fight, you have not been defeated, and you’ll ultimately prevail and win the war.” 

In the case of what we just learned, we might add to Rav Hutner’s words the importance of when you do dust yourself off, first analyzing why you fell, then making a game plan for avoiding that fall again.

When our children come to us devastated about a grade, after we’ve listened, hugged them and tried to cheer them up, our next step is to help them analyze what went wrong and how to do it better next time- just like their coach might do at a game.  In our sixth grade classes last week, we did just that. Students went through their report cards and considered where they would like to do better and set practical goals for doing so. 

This Super Bowl contained lessons for coping with failure. As Michael Jordan said, (Yes, even I know he played basketball and not football!) “I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And, that is why I succeed.”  Failure is not the opposite of success.  It is part of success. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students analyzed their report cards and focused on directed goals for improvement for next semester. They also wrapped up the unit “Hey Dude Don’t Be Rude” with a lesson on mutual respect between teachers and students.

Seventh Grade: Students began a unit on “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity in Life” with focusing on resiliency. 

Eighth Grade: Students talked about the admissions news they will be getting this coming week.