Because I Said So!

“Why do I have to do that?” “Because I said so!” Is it politically correct for parents to respond in that manner in today’s day and age? 

 As I have discussed many times before in my column three types of parenting styles have been identified based on the work of Diana Baumrind- authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive.  Permissive parents make few demands on their children. They are lenient and avoid confrontation.   Children of these parents grow up entitled and rebellious when any limits are set.  Authoritative parents are strict, consistent and loving and can adjust their expectations to the needs of the child. They hope their children will internalize their goals. They are demanding and responsive. They are assertive, but not restrictive.  Children of this style seem to be the most well-adjusted and competent.  Authoritarian parents focus on obedience and try to break the will of a child through coercion and power.  They are controlling and never believe in bending any rules, with an extreme sense of justice.   Children of these parents are more timid and have lower self-esteem.  

           

Where does the “Because I said so!” fit in?  Is that authoritarian parenting?   Can an authoritative parent ever use those words? 

This question came to my mind as I had a discussion in my 8th grade Navi class as we learned about Shlomo HaMelech’s accumulation of many horses and many wives despite the mitzvah in the Torah in Devarim 17:16 against a king doing so.   This is why it states in Gemara Sanhedrin 21b that rationales behind the Torah commandments are not generally revealed as people (such as Shlomo- as this is one of the few times in the Torah where a reason for a mitzvah is mentioned!) may rely on their own wisdom to reason that that mitzvah does not apply to them and therefore they need not do it.   If they know the reason behind the mitzvah they may rationalize that it does not apply to them or not at that time.            

            HaRav Saadiah Gaon splits the mitzvot into types- מצוות שכליות- logical mitzvot that make sense- we would have enacted them even if Hashem hadn’t commanded them (ex. Don’t kill), and מצוות שמעיות- mitzvot that do not make logical, intuitive sense (שמעיות from the word “to listen” - we do them because we are listening to Hashem).   But, we do them all, both logical and illogical mitzvot, as the Abarbanel in Vayikra 19:2 says, because Hashem commanded us to do so.  As it says in Vayikra, “Because I am Hashem.”   

            This Abarbanel reminded me of that phrase we often say as parents to our children, “Because I said so.”  This phrase has become shunned in the modern-day parenting era in which we live.  Today it is deemed as a negative phrase.  Today’s youth are not used to being responded to without a rationale and a discussion. They think everything is up for debate. 

Let’s be clear.  No one is saying we shouldn’t discuss reasons with our children.  And, in fact, as we pointed out in my Navi class, the rationales for most mitzvot may not be found in the Torah, but can be found in parshanim, commentaries, needed for the time period in which we live. Hashem knows that the rationales help us perform the mitzvot with more sincerity and commitment, but they are not the reason we do the mitzvot!  

            Children can participate in the discussion, but in the end, the parent calls the shots. While it is wonderful to include children in problem-solving, brainstorming and planning- as including them does make it less likely that we will get push-back, not all situations require discussion.  The fine balance between explaining and using “Because I said so” is the fine balance of authoritative parenting. 

“Because I said so,” is not necessarily inappropriate if it is said without sarcasm. If a parent asks a child to do something, i.e. Clean your room.  And she asks, “Why do I have to?” You might then explain the rationale, “You have a lot of free time today and Grandma will be here in 20 minutes?”  She responds, “But, why can’t I watch my show first?”  Then after the back and forth it is perfectly appropriate and fine to respond, “Because I said so.”  Saying this phrase calmly stops us from being pulled into an argument when they refuse to comply. “Because I said so,” often ends a power struggle. 

John Rosemond, author of the book, Grandma Was Right After All, maintains that “Because I said so” is often demonized.  He feels that when we say, “‘Because I said so,’  when stated calmly and straightforwardly is nothing more harmful than an affirmation of the legitimacy of parental authority. The long form would be something along the lines of ‘I provide for your provision and protection; furthermore, I am not your peer. I am your superior in every sense of the term. Therefore, I am not required to, nor will I, justify all my decisions and instructions to you’.(Note: I added the word “all”). The parent is an adult; the child is not. The child is completely dependent upon the parent for his or her very survival. The parent would take a bullet for the child; the likelihood that the child would take a bullet for the parent is slim to none. For those reasons, the parent's authority over the child is legitimate.”  Rosemond feels that parents hesitate to say those words and therefore rampant disobedience can be found among youth today. 

Parents are in charge of the family. Children need the security of the setting of firm limits and routines and predictability.  Older children can have a say in setting those routines, and even teens benefit from those set routines.  Once perimeters and rules have been established, choices can be offered.  We might say, “Time for bed- do you want to read first or have a snack first?”  But, there is no question- it is bedtime.   We use those words, “Because I said so,” when we have already made ourselves clear by setting rules that are consistently enforced.  So, you might choose to say, “You already know the reason for that…”  instead of “Because I said so.” 

I would like to add that when we say those words, “Because I said so,” we are really saying, “I have spent time building a trusting relationship with you.  Sometimes I will ask you to do things without offering you a three-paragraph explanation.  But, you know you can trust me.” So, we are saying, “Because I said so, and you can trust me. I love you. ” 

Laura Kuehn writes in her article, “‘Because I said so!’ Can I Say That?” that there are times when it is not okay to say “Because I said so.”  When we are too busy answering e-mails or not wanting to take the time to answer our children.  In that case, “Because I said so” may be a cover-up for a poorly thought-out plan.  We also don’t say “Because I said so” when we are angry, in a shouting authoritarian way.  And, there are times they are truly curious and want to know. We do not use “Because I said so,” to squash that interest. If we are not equipped to answer at that moment we ask if we can discuss the answer to their “why” another time.

G-d is “אבינו שבשמים” - our Father in Heaven, and a role model for us in parenting- THE parenting expert.  While He encourages the discussion of the reasons, טעמי המצוות, as He knows it will assist us in “buy-in” and following mitzvot with more excitement and dedication, He also teaches us the importance of saying “Because I said so.”  We trust in our Father and in His wisdom that He wants what’s best for us, even if we do not always understand why.  We too can imitate Hashem by building that trust daily, knowing when the reasons are needed and knowing when “Because I say so” is the right answer. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began learning the P.A.C.K. method to organization in organizing their backpack. 

Seventh Grade: Students learned the strategies of upbeat thinking in coping with difficulty.

Eighth Grade:  Students targeted the topic of cheating.