Teen Role Models

As we sit a day before the next Israeli election we, in Chutz La’aretz, wait to see what might happen...again.  The “Anything But Bibi” campaign (deemed so by Rabbi Moshe Grylak in his article “For a Case of Whiskey”), is focused on the indictments Netanyahu faces, personal corruption charges and the ethical concerns. I am not taking any political stance, but here comes the question, can one put aside the ethics and focus on the successes that Netanyahu has brought to Israel economically and politically? 

Here in America, we have faced a similar dilemma as we recently lived through President Trump’s impeachment. Eytan Kobre in his article “Independence Day” in Mishpacha Magazine points out that a recent Gallup Survey indicated that 75% of Democrats responded that it was more important to them that the president set a good moral example than their agreeing with his policies. 19% said it was more important to agree with the president’s views.  Among Republicans, only 30% stressed the significance of an upright moral character versus 60% who said that it was more important to agree with the president on issues.  Interestingly enough, in 1999 when President Clinton was just impeached, the opposite was found.  At the time, 75% of Republicans said that presidential morality was more important and only 36%  of Democrats did.  Clearly, says Kobre,  Democrats only care about morality when a Republican is president and Republicans only care when a Democrat is president.  Partisan politics affects morality. Independents seem to have more consistency.  During both Clinton’s and Trump’s presidencies a majority of independents said they opted for ethical integrity over political agreement.  Right is right no matter who, no matter what and no matter when.  

As the American election comes in November, we consider the same question that the Israelis are facing tomorrow in Israel. Can one reason that in this case, since we need this president’s policies that morality does not apply? Again,  I am not here to take any political stance, nor to share who I am supporting, but to share how we might apply this question as a parent.  And, here, is what I like to call, two “teachable moments” in current events. 

            In 8th grade Advisory, we linked this issue to the Astros cheating scandal.  Just to summarize, in 2017 and 2018 the Astros illegally stole signs from the opposing teams. Using a video camera in center field they filmed the opposing catchers' signs to the pitchers. Then Astros’ staff watching the live camera feed behind the dugout would then signal to their batter what kind of pitch was coming. Should the Astros be stripped of their World Series title? Until now that has not happened as they maintain that they did not steal signs during the world series.  

            So, we asked, can one still rejoice and root for the Astros knowing what they did?  Whom do we admire? Is there a difference between a hero and a celebrity? Can someone who does something immoral still be a hero? When a celebrity does something that disappoints me ethically, does he/she stop being my role model? There was much discussion on this topic after the death of Kobe Bryant who was hailed as a hero, while some maintained that people seem to have forgotten his being accused of rape in 2004. 

            Children begin hero worship at a young age.  Freud identified what he called the “ego ideal” - the image of the ideal to which we aspire to become. It is often is represented by actual people in our environment.  Our first ego ideal is generally our parents.  As we get older we move away from our parents and seek out ego ideals in our environment. When we are younger, teens, those ego ideals may not be as realistic and are found in a world of fantasy, (i.e. superheroes, athletes). At that time, celebrities and peers become our role models. 

As parents, we can discuss these ego ideals with our children.  We ask our children to identify who their heroes are.  Whom do they admire? What qualities make them admirable?  When we speak to our children about their heroes we should make them focus on those qualities and identify whether that person has those qualities.  By having these conversations we can also help our children identify with these qualities of bravery, compassion, kindness, etc and develop them within themselves.  We can show them they can be heroes too.  What great qualities do they and can they possess? 

            The celebrities to which our children are exposed in the media- including social media- are often not the role models we strive for them to emulate.  The ego ideal in their fantasy moves into reality.  At times, they aspire towards an ego ideal that is unrealistic or even dangerous.  One such example might be a girl aspiring to be like a supermodel.  This can lead to a superficial focus on looks and even dangerous and unhealthy dieting.  Other role models may be negative in promiscuous behavior or antisocial behavior.  It is therefore important to have frank conversations about the qualities of celebrities and what we do not admire.

 We need to talk to our children about our own role models- who inspires us and why.  That list might include everyday people in our lives, religious role models etc.  Tell them what qualities inspire you. 

Yvette Miller in her article “Finding Heroes For Our Children” maintains the importance of constantly speaking to our children about worthy role models, “ My kids were very young at the time, and I resolved to try to make our home one where these timeless Jewish qualities are the ones that are admired. Several years on, I’m still trying. I make an effort to mention examples of good deeds, to get my kids excited about the many examples of selfless behavior, caring, and actions on behalf of others that fill our community. To admire the neighbor who works with handicapped children. To laud the woman who cooks lunch for our synagogue each week; to congratulate the local rabbi who volunteers his time to tutor local kids in Jewish subjects. Sometimes we’re out of step with the news that’s fueling the national conversation, but I feel good that the “heroes” my kids are learning to admire are people who try to make the world a better place.”

Are parents only role models for young children?  1,100 12 to 18 year olds were surveyed in the Weekly Reader Research Study, about 10 years ago.  The survey found that “ 67.7 percent of the teenagers said parents are the most influential role models in their lives. After parents, 40.6 percent said teachers and coaches followed by siblings at 40.4 percent. Religious leaders, athletes, and celebrities were 18.7 percent, 18.3 percent and 16.5 percent, respectively. When choosing role models, the teenagers surveyed said the most important qualities they look for include values such as honesty, integrity, loyalty and truthfulness. 

A recent University of Phoenix's study has replicated similar results.  47% of respondents identified their father as their role models. 41% identified their mothers.  A favorite teacher was identified by 41%. (In the list of top 10 role models, celebrities were fourth in the list after parents and teachers).  81% of people said their role model influenced a major life decision. 55% said that when things got tough and they were tempted to quit their role model encouraged them to continue. 

 In a 1993 Nike commercial Charles Barkley, basketball star, said, “I am not a role model. I’m not paid to be a role model. I am paid to wreak havoc on the basketball court. Parents should be role models. Just because I dunk a basketball doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.”  While we know that celebrities are role models by default, the truth is that we are the primary role models for our children, while they might hate to admit it!

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on organizing an efficient at- home workspace.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned some strategies for upbeat thinking. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began a unit on parent-child relationships