You Are Good Enough!

        

            “Manage expectations and expect and accept imperfection. Many of us strive to live in a peaceful home where people treat each other kindly and work together as a team.  When we accept that is unlikely to happen 100% of the time while living under unusual circumstances, we are more available to notice all the times that it IS happening.”  These are words that we, the guidance department, shared in a letter to parents just last week. (Thank you to Dr. Septimus who crafted that paragraph!) 

            When I consider the pressure to have our children hand in all their homework, be on their zoom classes on time, keep a clean home, find time to daven and maintain our own at-home work schedules, and all that with the possibility that there are ill people in our home, I am constantly feeling the fact that I am just not good enough as a parent.  Right now we need to accept imperfection and accept the fact that we are good enough. 

            In fact, good enough parenting might actually be the best kind of parenting.  The term “good enough parenting” is based on the work of Dr. Bruno Bettelheim.  As Dr. Peter Gray noted,  “If we define parenting as caregiving to one’s child, then the best parent is not the one who parents most, and certainly not the one who parents least, but the one who parents just the right amount. That’s the parent Goldilocks would pick, if she had tried out three different parents along with the three different bowls of porridge, chairs, and beds. It’s the one most children would pick if they had the power to choose.”

            “Good enough parents” do not expect perfection of themselves nor from their children. When a parent strives to be perfect, he demands perfection from his children which will make for a very poor parent-child relationship which is too demanding. “Perfect parenting” leads to blaming-whether one’s spouse, one’s child or oneself.  Good enough parents understand that imperfection is part of the human condition and forgive themselves for it.  They realize that children are resilient and will turn out okay even if they “mess up” once in a while. They accept their children for who they are.  Such parents can develop a positive, empathic relationship with their children. Good enough parents realize they cannot determine their children's futures, but can only set them up for a successful one by doing the best they can, and by giving them what they need, but not more than what they need.   They allow their children to make their own mistakes, as they realize mistakes and failure are an important part of their development.        

They realize that children are resilient and will turn out okay even if they “mess up” once in a while.  Since good enough parents accept “good enough” parenting they are less anxious, calmer and more patient. They thereby are more secure parents for their children.

How does one become a good enough parent? One most practice self- compassion and treat oneself with kindness.  Only with self-compassion can one forgive one’s parenting errors and accept oneself as “good enough.”  There are numerous benefits to self-compassion, in addition to good parenting, as those who score higher on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety.   The key to self-compassion is to treat ourselves the way would we treat another in the same circumstance.  Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, even suggests to write yourself a letter of support, as you would to a friend. Take “compassion breaks” where you repeat aloud mantras like,  “I’m going to be kind to myself in this moment.”    

 The Torah tells us in Vayikra 19:17:   וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ “Love your fellow as yourself.”  The Torah assumes you are already treating yourself with kindness and compassion, and consequently you will treat others that way as well.  Clearly, we need to work on that self-compassion before we can show compassion to others. 

I often think about the song “Let It Go” around this Pesach time of year- and not because there have been a number of Pesach parody songs written with those words.  I think of those words because for those of us who grew up in homes where Pesach cleaning was spring cleaning, we need to learn to “let it go.”  Cleaning the curtains is not cleaning chametz.  One need not clean the attic if no food ever goes up there.  Just “let it go!” We need to give ourselves permission to let something go.   Likewise, we need to "let it go" if our quarantined homes are not running as smoothly as we would like. 

At this particular time, we need to realize that self- compassion and tolerating good enough parenting is key to avoiding burnout during this COVID-19 time period and Pesach season.  We might try but it is not all up to us.  We cannot control everything. All I can do is control my responses and my belief that God has everything under control.  

           

Living in "Slomo" And Resisting "FOMO"

This weekend we begin our 2nd week at home.  While many of us are still working remotely, and managing a full-time at home family, in some ways we are definitely living life more slowly. No more rushing to catch the bus, throwing all the lunches into the backpacks or running on the many errands we do in the evenings.  No weekend basketball games, no rushing off to minyan, and no endless carpools. While we enjoy and value all those “away from home” activities, we have no choice now but to slow down.  

I recently read a story which depicts the fallacy of the fast-paced life we generally lead. 

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.  Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.  The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. 

The Mexican replied, “only a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos.  I have a full and busy life.” The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15 – 20 years.”

“But what then?” Asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part.  When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”

“Millions – then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire.  Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

At times we are so busy and running at such a fast pace that we do not take the time to consider what we are doing? Why? What is enough?  What is the end game? 

Sometimes we simply need to pause and reflect- what is that we are after?  

We need to be mindful.  Mindfulness is the practice of attending and focusing one’s awareness on the present moment experience- including one’s thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations etc.  There has been considerable research on the benefits of mindfulness when it comes to dealing with depression, anxiety and overall improvement of relationships, and physical and emotional well-being. 

This time of self- quarantine has actually allowed us to slow down, take some time to think and consider and be more mindful.  We can actually be present with and focus on the here and now.  What is important to me? What are my goals? 

 As Dr. Jonathan Feiner wrote in his book Mindfulness: A Jewish Approach, “By giving ourselves time to be, we can discover what we need to be….Slowing down the autopilot mode enables us to pause and ask what is important.” (Dr. Feiner also quotes the Fisherman story above). 

Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzato (mentioned by Dr. Feiner) in chapter 2 of Mesillat Yesharim speaks about the quality trait of זהירות- Watchfulness  “to be deliberate and watch over his actions and his accustomed ways to determine whether or not they are good...and not to walk according to the promptings of habit as a blind man in the pitch darkness...Jeremiah complains about the evil of the men of his generation, about their failure to analyze (their actions)   in order to determine whether they should be engaged in or abandoned...He alludes to their running on the impetus of their habits and their ways without leaving themselves time to evaluate their actions and ways, and as a result fall into evil without even noticing it.” 

The Ramchal continues that this was the evil strategy of Pharaoh in Shemot 5:9 as he intensified the Jews’ work.  He did this to “deprive them of all leisure so… he strove to strip their hearts of all thought.”   And, this is where the evil inclination jumps in- not allowing them time to think and do teshuva.  

In today’s fast- paced time we live in, where we can immediately google any answer to any question, and quickly shoot off an e-mail without thinking,  we often make decisions impulsively.  When we are rushing we are unable to consider the consequences of our actions and we make poor decisions. We are constantly multi-tasking and unable to be in the “now.”  We are often fearful of slowing down. 

We need to stop and think in order to choose the best path.  This time at home has forced us to be more mindful and work in a bit of “Slomo.” 

Our time at home has also forced us to manage our “FOMO.”  FOMO- “fear of missing out” prevents us from relishing what we are doing in the moment as we are constantly worried what is happening elsewhere.  Social media has clearly magnified this FOMO. Dr. Feiner points out that “those with higher scores on the Fear of Missing Out scale have greater use of social media and lower levels of life satisfaction.  FOMO leads to missing out on the present.”  

Do we find that our minds are constantly moving to the next activity and we are “overly focused on what’s next at the expense of the now?.... FOMO is based on a faulty- yet powerful- premise. It is based on the idea that there is something more exciting than the present, that there is an external experience we are missing out on...Moreover the yearning for the next experience will prevent us from experiencing the greatest experience of all: the experience of meaningfully living in the present.” 

We are “presently” (pun intended), living our lives in “slomo” and hopefully resisting “FOMO” as we are asked to stay present in our homes. Hopefully this is allowing for us to be more mindful and more present in the moment as well. 

The Lonely People of Faith

As we sit here in our homes, out of school and many out of work we are all confronted by an attack against three components of our well-being, as Dr. Lea Waters of the University of Melbourne notes: against “our sense of autonomy, relatedness (being connected to others) and competency (feeling effective).”  As I sat through my first Shabbat of “social distancing” I considered that perhaps there was another way to look at this situation. 

 Each year, our 7th graders have a unit in Advisory called “When Life Gives You Lemons...Make Lemonade.” In this unit we discuss the skills of how to look at life’s most difficult and challenging situations and see them differently.  

 I came across Chanie Gorkin’s poem a few years ago. Chanie, a high school student, was asked by her teacher to write about her worst day ever.  “Chanie turned the assignment on its head - literally.” She told her teacher that she didn’t believe in worst days ever and wrote the poem below.   (Note the importance of the question mark in the title). 

Worst Day Ever? 

By Chanie Gorkin

Today was the absolute worst day ever
And don't try to convince me that
There's something good in every day
Because, when you take a closer look,
The world is a pretty evil place.
Even if
Some goodness does shine through once in a while
Satisfaction and happiness don't last.
And it's not true that
It's all in the mind and heart
Because
True happiness can be attained
Only if one's surroundings are good
It's not true that good exists
I'm sure that you can agree that
The reality
Creates
My attitude
It's all beyond my control
And you'll never in a million years hear me say
Today was a very good day

NOW READ IT FROM BOTTOM TO TOP, THE OTHER WAY, AND SEE WHAT I REALLY FEEL ABOUT MY DAY. 

When asked about her poem,  she explained that it  “reflects the Jewish idea that it's possible to control how we see the world, whether negatively or positively:’I don't think there is such a thing as the worst day ever... I wanted to show how your day is really based on how you look at things.’”  We may not be able to control what happens- only Hashem does. But we can control how we perceive it. 

This poem didn’t end here, in her high school class, as Yvette Alt Miller describes.  She entered a poetry contest and it was posted online.  Zachery Stephenson, in London, complained on Facebook that someone had let him down and a relative in New York sent him Chanie’s poem. Stephenson then posted it on a wall of a local bar. A man named Ronnie Joice, who had been feeling down, saw the poem in the bar and tweeted it. “Within a week, Joice's initial message was re-tweeted thousands of times, and ‘Worst Day Ever?’ had become an internet sensation, downloaded over a million times, shared by thousands on social media, and translated into languages including Russian, Chinese and Hebrew.”

  
  We share with the students that the words of the poem do not change. All that changes is the way you look at them. We then do our “rose-colored glasses” activity where we discuss with the students that in life we can see things through rose-colored glasses- in an upbeat positive way. (Or some might call this seeing the cup half full and not half empty).  We ask for two volunteers- one puts on glasses with rose-colored lenses and one puts on dark glasses.  We hand each volunteer a sheet with 2 perspectives on them- ask them which one is the rose colored glasses perspective (upbeat viewpoint)  and which one is the dark- colored glasses (downer). They need to confer in the hallway for a moment to decide which one is which.  

Example:

 The Situation: During the hurricane, suddenly your power went off in your home. (real story!)

Dark colored glasses perspective: 

“It was the worst night of my life. There was no power so we all had to squish into one room.  And, all I really wanted to do was to go to sleep in my own room, but my siblings were playing and making so much noise!  It’s so boring with no TV to watch, and I knew my teacher would be angry at me for not doing my homework. I wish we had a generator!” 

Rose colored glasses perspective: 

“It was so much fun when the power went off in my house during the hurricane. We all got to sleep in the same room and my father didn’t have to go to work.  We stayed up late telling ghost stories- it was like one big campfire!  We stayed up all night playing games and having fun by flashlight.  I will never forget that night!”

            Our being together this past Shabbat made me think about this activity we do in Advisory. (I learn just as much as the students do if not more in Advisory!) 

The Situation: The spread of COVID-19 forces social distancing. 

Dark- colored glasses perspective: 

“Due to the spread of COVID-19 I had to cancel my plans with my friend who was supposed to come over for Shabbat. I was stuck in the house all Shabbat with my family and had nothing to do.  We couldn’t even go to shul and that meant that I really couldn’t daven because who cares about davening if there is no minyan. I was counting the minutes until Shabbat was over.” 

Rose colored glasses perspective: 

“Due the spread of COVID-19 everyone had to cancel their Shabbat plans.  At first I thought it would be boring, but it was actually nice to spend time with my family without everyone being pulled to their afternoon plans or with everyone going to different minyanim, or tugging at my parents when they are still socializing with their friends and I am ready to go  home.  We spent the afternoon playing board games, reading Harry Potter aloud, and learning Nach Yomi.  At the meal, no one ran off and we sang zemirot, did the alphabetical parasha challenge,  and talked to each other.  And, the davening...it was kind of fun to daven in our living room with everyone together and singing things out loud. We even layned the parasha from a Tikkun! I kind of wished that we had a piece of this every Shabbat.” 

            Same situation. Two different perspectives. Shakespeare said, “There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”  Or, as Dr. Martin Seligman, father of positive psychology said, “Life inflicts the same setbacks and tragedies on the optimist as on the pessimist, but the optimist weathers them better.”

This ability to achieve this positive perspective leads to learned optimism which is the opposite of learned helplessness, where people believe they cannot change their circumstances after they have faced repeated stress.  Martin Seligson did research on pessimism and wondered why some don’t feel helpless and are more optimistic in the face of negative situations.  He felt that learned optimism is the key. 

Learned optimism is not just a skill to make it through this coronavirus crisis, but a skill to make it through life.  We often have automatic negative thoughts and negative self-talk.  By recognizing our negative self-talk, and actively combating it with positive self-talk, we can achieve that learned optimism. Positive self-talk is exactly what it sounds like, as we explain to the students - talking to yourself-telling yourself you can do it, it will be okay, you have succeeded before and you will succeed again. It is sort of what you would tell a friend when he/she is faced with trouble, but instead, you tell the same thing to yourself.  It is a way to challenge our automatic negative thoughts.  And, it can be learned.  Yes, it is good to empathize with what our children are going through. But, after we do so, if we can subtly teach and model that positive self-talk they will weather difficulties better. 

As Jews, another answer to learned helplessness, pessimism or seeing the cup half full is bitachon- trust in Hashem.  Hashem cares for us and no matter what happens to us, He never stops supporting us, knows what we need and all that happens is ultimately for the good.  This perspective brings us to a life of optimism.  As it says in Tehillim 27:1: ה’ מָע֥וֹז חַ֜יַּ֗י מִמִּ֥י אֶפְחָֽד:

“Hashem is the stronghold of my life; from whom shall I be frightened?” Pessimism takes over when we leave Hashem out of the picture.  As parents, we can constantly model and inculcate this message of bitachon which can help our children lead more resilient and happier lives.  As I intimated in the title of this column, based on the title of a book by Rav Y.D. Soloveitchik, The Lonely Man of Faith, even when we are lonely, we are never truly alone if we have faith. 

While these times are trying for all, and some times of day are more trying than others, I did attempt to apply that learned optimism, those rose-colored glasses and that bitachon  to view this “worst time ever” in a more positive light. 

Teen Role Models

As we sit a day before the next Israeli election we, in Chutz La’aretz, wait to see what might happen...again.  The “Anything But Bibi” campaign (deemed so by Rabbi Moshe Grylak in his article “For a Case of Whiskey”), is focused on the indictments Netanyahu faces, personal corruption charges and the ethical concerns. I am not taking any political stance, but here comes the question, can one put aside the ethics and focus on the successes that Netanyahu has brought to Israel economically and politically? 

Here in America, we have faced a similar dilemma as we recently lived through President Trump’s impeachment. Eytan Kobre in his article “Independence Day” in Mishpacha Magazine points out that a recent Gallup Survey indicated that 75% of Democrats responded that it was more important to them that the president set a good moral example than their agreeing with his policies. 19% said it was more important to agree with the president’s views.  Among Republicans, only 30% stressed the significance of an upright moral character versus 60% who said that it was more important to agree with the president on issues.  Interestingly enough, in 1999 when President Clinton was just impeached, the opposite was found.  At the time, 75% of Republicans said that presidential morality was more important and only 36%  of Democrats did.  Clearly, says Kobre,  Democrats only care about morality when a Republican is president and Republicans only care when a Democrat is president.  Partisan politics affects morality. Independents seem to have more consistency.  During both Clinton’s and Trump’s presidencies a majority of independents said they opted for ethical integrity over political agreement.  Right is right no matter who, no matter what and no matter when.  

As the American election comes in November, we consider the same question that the Israelis are facing tomorrow in Israel. Can one reason that in this case, since we need this president’s policies that morality does not apply? Again,  I am not here to take any political stance, nor to share who I am supporting, but to share how we might apply this question as a parent.  And, here, is what I like to call, two “teachable moments” in current events. 

            In 8th grade Advisory, we linked this issue to the Astros cheating scandal.  Just to summarize, in 2017 and 2018 the Astros illegally stole signs from the opposing teams. Using a video camera in center field they filmed the opposing catchers' signs to the pitchers. Then Astros’ staff watching the live camera feed behind the dugout would then signal to their batter what kind of pitch was coming. Should the Astros be stripped of their World Series title? Until now that has not happened as they maintain that they did not steal signs during the world series.  

            So, we asked, can one still rejoice and root for the Astros knowing what they did?  Whom do we admire? Is there a difference between a hero and a celebrity? Can someone who does something immoral still be a hero? When a celebrity does something that disappoints me ethically, does he/she stop being my role model? There was much discussion on this topic after the death of Kobe Bryant who was hailed as a hero, while some maintained that people seem to have forgotten his being accused of rape in 2004. 

            Children begin hero worship at a young age.  Freud identified what he called the “ego ideal” - the image of the ideal to which we aspire to become. It is often is represented by actual people in our environment.  Our first ego ideal is generally our parents.  As we get older we move away from our parents and seek out ego ideals in our environment. When we are younger, teens, those ego ideals may not be as realistic and are found in a world of fantasy, (i.e. superheroes, athletes). At that time, celebrities and peers become our role models. 

As parents, we can discuss these ego ideals with our children.  We ask our children to identify who their heroes are.  Whom do they admire? What qualities make them admirable?  When we speak to our children about their heroes we should make them focus on those qualities and identify whether that person has those qualities.  By having these conversations we can also help our children identify with these qualities of bravery, compassion, kindness, etc and develop them within themselves.  We can show them they can be heroes too.  What great qualities do they and can they possess? 

            The celebrities to which our children are exposed in the media- including social media- are often not the role models we strive for them to emulate.  The ego ideal in their fantasy moves into reality.  At times, they aspire towards an ego ideal that is unrealistic or even dangerous.  One such example might be a girl aspiring to be like a supermodel.  This can lead to a superficial focus on looks and even dangerous and unhealthy dieting.  Other role models may be negative in promiscuous behavior or antisocial behavior.  It is therefore important to have frank conversations about the qualities of celebrities and what we do not admire.

 We need to talk to our children about our own role models- who inspires us and why.  That list might include everyday people in our lives, religious role models etc.  Tell them what qualities inspire you. 

Yvette Miller in her article “Finding Heroes For Our Children” maintains the importance of constantly speaking to our children about worthy role models, “ My kids were very young at the time, and I resolved to try to make our home one where these timeless Jewish qualities are the ones that are admired. Several years on, I’m still trying. I make an effort to mention examples of good deeds, to get my kids excited about the many examples of selfless behavior, caring, and actions on behalf of others that fill our community. To admire the neighbor who works with handicapped children. To laud the woman who cooks lunch for our synagogue each week; to congratulate the local rabbi who volunteers his time to tutor local kids in Jewish subjects. Sometimes we’re out of step with the news that’s fueling the national conversation, but I feel good that the “heroes” my kids are learning to admire are people who try to make the world a better place.”

Are parents only role models for young children?  1,100 12 to 18 year olds were surveyed in the Weekly Reader Research Study, about 10 years ago.  The survey found that “ 67.7 percent of the teenagers said parents are the most influential role models in their lives. After parents, 40.6 percent said teachers and coaches followed by siblings at 40.4 percent. Religious leaders, athletes, and celebrities were 18.7 percent, 18.3 percent and 16.5 percent, respectively. When choosing role models, the teenagers surveyed said the most important qualities they look for include values such as honesty, integrity, loyalty and truthfulness. 

A recent University of Phoenix's study has replicated similar results.  47% of respondents identified their father as their role models. 41% identified their mothers.  A favorite teacher was identified by 41%. (In the list of top 10 role models, celebrities were fourth in the list after parents and teachers).  81% of people said their role model influenced a major life decision. 55% said that when things got tough and they were tempted to quit their role model encouraged them to continue. 

 In a 1993 Nike commercial Charles Barkley, basketball star, said, “I am not a role model. I’m not paid to be a role model. I am paid to wreak havoc on the basketball court. Parents should be role models. Just because I dunk a basketball doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.”  While we know that celebrities are role models by default, the truth is that we are the primary role models for our children, while they might hate to admit it!

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on organizing an efficient at- home workspace.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned some strategies for upbeat thinking. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began a unit on parent-child relationships