Virtual Socialization?

          After having conversations with parents this week, one area that seems to be an area of concern for parents is that without the day to day social contact in school, some students are finding it hard to interact.  As the students say, when they were in school they were counting the days until summer vacation. Now, they cannot wait to get back to simply walk the halls with their friends.  The virtual social life is not the same. 

       For some, it is an issue of not being comfortable with the on-line interactions.  Face to face they are fine, but they do not know how to manage this new way of interacting.  For others, it is because they generally do not have a “friend group” outside of school and rely on going to school for that social interaction.  Some students find themselves to be “floaters” which provides them with more than enough social interaction when school is in session.  But, now, no one is reaching out to them.  There are also students who have a hard time socializing face to face and how much more so virtually! And, let us not forget the students who do not yet have their own phones, so they cannot socialize in the same way. 

            While all the experts recommend virtual social interaction during this social distancing time, we know that adolescence is a time of hypersensitivity about how others view them. Some are nervous about how they look and “perform” online. (I can relate!)  Some may be embarrassed in a group to speak up. ( If you feel your child falls into that category, please give us a heads up.  Maybe we can create a situation where he/she will feel comfortable.  If he is artistic, maybe an opportunity to showcase his art, etc.). 

            While all of us are feeling the lack of social interaction, it can hit teenagers particularly hard.  Adolescents are especially hard-wired to need that social interaction.  Teens are becoming increasingly independent from their parents and more dependent on their peers. And, in fact, there are increased oxytocin receptors during puberty which impact on the increased pleasure they feel when socially interacting. A recent survey from dosomething.org that polled students ages 13-25 indicated that 40% feel “disconnected.” 

            On our end, we are working this week to increase social interaction in small groups for our students. Now that we have the academic component stabilized, this is our priority.  If you have any particular ideas, please feel free to reach out. Please keep a lookout for these opportunities and encourage your children to join if you feel it would be helpful to them.  We have also encouraged our teachers to include breakout rooms for group work, chevrutot, and even pure social chit chat time in those breakout rooms so that children have time to interact.  And, please do reach out to me if you are worried about your child feeling isolated. We can put our heads together and see what we can do to help. 

          One more item, and this piece I address to the parents of children who seem to be managing fine socially.  I have mentioned this directly to the students. Please encourage your children to reach out to those who may be a bit lonely.  If there is someone in their class with whom they casually interact during the day, but are not now due to not being in school together, perhaps they can check in, even via text, to see how he/she is doing. It can make a world of a difference for a child feeling isolated. 

            We know that virtual social contact cannot take the place of pure face to face interaction. And, I know that many of us are worried about too much screen time and social media.  Moderation is still the best, and whatever we can do to get them involved in something physical is important.  And, let us still remember to check in on our children’s on-line interactions for potentially inappropriate social interactions, bullying or just simply not being considerate in what they post. 

            Before I end, I want to make a disclaimer.  Some children are more introverted and after a long day of zoom classes prefer spending downtime reading or just relaxing.  We need to be careful not to place our social expectations on our children.  So, if we notice that they are not interacting as much as we would like, let us first assess how the child thinks about it. Assess how your child is actually feeling, rather than projecting our own feelings of loneliness. We might assume they feel so lonely or isolated, when they may not.  A few friends might be sufficient. The key is to have a frank conversation with your child.  

            Dr. Yvette Alt Miller interviews Dr. Steven Cole in her article, “Advice on Combating Loneliness From Leading Expert.”  Dr. Cole, a professor at University of California, conducted research on ways to break the cycle of loneliness.  Dr. Cole notes, 

“Feeling lonely isn’t necessarily the same thing as being alone. ‘Loneliness is a state of social hunger...People can be lonely even when they’re surrounded by others, if they feel little or no connection. Conversely, some people who live alone might feel secure and not lonely at all.’”

            In his research Dr. Cole studies those facing extreme loneliness and hardships including poverty, war and other life-threatening situations.  They particularly studied those who were doing well while being faced with these threats.  And, he found, “People who have a strong sense of purpose or meaning in their lives seemed surprisingly well protected. It’s not like they didn’t feel some objective sense of threat, but it wasn’t registering in their brains in the same harmful ways that loneliness did. Hopeful, optimistic people – even when they faced grave problems – were connected to something greater than themselves and their own personal well-being.”

            Follow up studies by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky indicated that when lonely people engaged in acts of kindness,  (i.e. running errands for others, helping others solve a technological issue on their computers), they felt significantly less lonely as they felt a sense of connecting to something greater than themselves and no longer felt cut off. It even impacted them physiologically as they saw a decrease in their inflammatory responses, often seen with loneliness.  

            While we can as parents behind the scenes can help them  connect with others, encouraging them to focus on the needs of others is a wonderful way to fight loneliness. Encourage them to attend chesed events, or reach out to a grandparent.  Perhaps they can help a friend with a homework assignment or virtually tutor a younger child?  (And, sometimes they actually do make friends while engaged in these acts. I find so many students who become involved in Friendship Circle or Yachad and meet another volunteer who becomes a like-minded friend for life). 

In this past week’s parasha we learned about one who has been struck by צרעת. As many are pointing out, what must the metzora do? 

 בָּדָ֣ד יֵשֵׁ֔ב מִח֥וּץ לַמַּֽחֲנֶ֖ה מֽוֹשָׁבֽוֹ:

he shall dwell isolated; his dwelling shall be outside the camp.  

The word בָּדָ֣ד immediately conjures up pain and loneliness as depicted in Eicha 1:1 as Jerusalem is described after the destruction of the Beit Hamikdash, 

אֵיכָ֣ה | יָֽשְׁבָ֣ה בָדָ֗ד הָעִיר֙ רַבָּ֣תִי עָ֔ם הָֽיְתָ֖ה כְּאַלְמָנָ֑ה

O how has the city that was once so populous remained lonely and isolated! She has become like a widow! 

As noted above, man was created as social being, as at the first creation of man G-d proclaims, 

 לֹא־ט֛וֹב הֱי֥וֹת הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְבַדּ֑וֹ

It is not good for man to be alone;

Humans crave and need that social interaction with others. 

            That isolation of the the מצורע was meant to change him.  צרעת was a spiritual ailment stemming from his lashon hara and inability to treat others the way they should be.  That isolation gave him the opportunity to contemplate what he needed to do differently in the way he treated others. 

            When this is all over, will our time in isolation change us? Will it remind us how difficult it is to feel alone? Will we reach out to others to be more inclusive recalling how it felt?   Will we appreciate our interactions with others and treat them with more respect and caring?  These are all questions to discuss with our children.