The Blessing of Disappointment

                At 3:55 the past number of Fridays I have been lining up in my car with a homemade Mazel Tov sign to wish a 7th grade boy mazel tov on his Bar Mitzvah as part of a bar mitzvah car parade. These boys have spent the past one to two years preparing for the biggest Shabbat of their lives.  Then comes the disappointment of having to cancel. The 7th grade parents have literally taken a huge disappointment and transformed it into a spirited and memorable day for these boys. (Thank you to all the parents who have been involved!)  And, of course the girls who have missed their bat mitzvah celebrations are also despondent. 

            We have also spent time meeting with 8th grade students and parents discussing the disappointment they face with the probable (not yet definite) cancellation or reimagining of their graduation, “senior” dinner and graduation trip.  They are missing out on those rites of passage.  We too are working on transforming these disappointments to memorable moments for our graduates. 

            Let us not leave out the teams that were almost in the championships or children who looked forward to color war or even those who are missing out on their Yavneh Youth League season. 

            How do we help our children manage the disappointment they feel regarding missing out?  Some of them are even going through a grieving process that we cannot minimize, even if they do not verbalize it. We first need to make it clear that it is okay to feel disappointed and sad.  Simply offering empathy and compassion to our children and sharing that we understand how disappointed they are is the first step in consolation.  We need to make sure not to minimize their emotions by telling them, “People are sick.  Your losing your __________ is nothing in comparison.”  Validate them and let them explore their feelings and share with you.  Ask them questions so they can simply vent. 

            As always, we need to model an accepting behavior of “this too shall pass” and the realization that there are things we simply cannot control.  And, as we have discussed in previous weeks, modelling that we can only control how we react can help them get through this difficult time.  When Plan “A” does not work out, what is Plan “B”?  And, more importantly, how can we view Plan B as positive? Just because our plans do not come to fruition does not mean that we are doomed to disappointment. 

           

I called this column “The Blessing of Disappointment” which is a play on the title of Dr. Wendy Mogel’s book, The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee. In her book,  Dr. Wendy Mogel stresses the importance of allowing our children to struggle and fail.  If we overprotect them from feeling pain, they are also protected from growth.  If they are insulated they are incapable of dealing with any adversity and become “teacups” that “chip like a teacup” when confronting difficulty. 

Dr. Mogel called her second book The Blessing Of A B-.  As parents, it is hard for us to keep in mind that failure and difficulty can be a blessing.  Supreme Court Justice John Roberts took this “blessing”  to an extreme when he gave a speech at his son’s middle school graduation a few years ago and blessed the graduates.  

“From time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly, so that you will come to know the value of justice. I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty. Sorry to say, but I hope you will be lonely from time to time so that you don’t take friends for granted. I wish you bad luck, again, from time to time so that you will be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand that your success is not completely deserved and that the failure of others is not completely deserved either.

And when you lose, as you will from time to time, I hope every now and then, your opponent will gloat over your failure. It is a way for you to understand the importance of sportsmanship. I hope you’ll be ignored so you know the importance of listening to others, and I hope you will have just enough pain to learn compassion. Whether I wish these things or not, they’re going to happen. And whether you benefit from them or not will depend upon your ability to see the message in your misfortunes.”

Emuna Braverman, in her article which quotes Justice Roberts’ words, “Words Of Wisdom From Supreme Court Justice John Roberts” comments:

“As the last two lines make clear, life is full of tests. There will be disappointments and betrayals and failures and many other types of challenges. No one leads a life free of struggle. In fact the Talmud suggests that if you haven’t had a test in 40 days, you should worry that the Almighty has given up on you. Tests are an opportunity to dig deep and achieve our potential. What loving parent doesn’t want that for his children?

Tests are not an occasion for bitterness or frustration or negativity. The ‘message in our misfortunes’  is not like a line on a piece of paper in a Chinese fortune cookie. The message is the growth available. A teacher or parent knows that the message has been effectively communicated when he or she sees the student or child make changes to his personality, to his effort, to his attitude.

One might be tempted to think that someone who has achieved the role of Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court has it all. What do they know of gloating or being ignored or developing compassion? But I venture to guess from his words that these are lessons hard won, some battles hard fought and some struggles still in place. And that what he wants to communicate to these young kids, as they approach the rough passage of adolescence, is to embrace their challenges as opportunities for growth. Don’t shy away from them or feel oppressed or burdened. They are the true gifts from a loving Father just as his words are a gift to his son.”

While our children face disappointment let us help them find the “message in their misfortunes” and consider how it is all a “gift.”  I know it takes some time for that to sink in.  But, it most definitely helps them appreciate all the things they previously took for granted.  And, we, as the adults in their lives, can help them find the blessing in Plan B by getting them truly excited about what Plan B has to offer.