Happy Mothers Day To All The Mothers Who Keep It Real!

            “I am a fraud.  Three kids, and I still have no idea what I’m doing. A Real Mother would know how to deal with a child’s tantrums, how to put children to sleep calmly and smoothly, how to answer every last question. She would glide through the day with an air of equanimity and poise, doling out nutritious foods and sincere compliments,” begins the 2018 article “Am I A Real Mother Yet?”  by Elana Rothberg.   

Rothberg continues to confess what is really going on in her home and that she does not feel like a “real mother.”  “On a good day, I give my kids cereal and milk (a carb and a protein!) and call it dinner, criticizing and nagging all the while, answering most of their questions with “I have no idea.” (And honestly, I don’t really care to find out the answer to where do mosquitoes build their homes.)  I pretend, I fluff, I act assured and confident, while inside, I just want to curl up in a ball and have someone else take care of me. Can someone else tuck my kids, and me, into bed? A few years or so of uninterrupted, deep sleep sounds about right.”

As I re-read this article it struck me as related to my “good enough” parenting article a few weeks ago, stressing self- compassion. It will not all be perfect, but that’s not only okay, but better for our children’s development of resiliency and success in life.   And, in essence, Rothberg’s description of her real home is similar to many of our homes, especially during this COVID-19 existence. I barely have enough time to shovel some cereal into my own mouth in between zoom meetings, zoom class visits, zoom lunch bunches etc.  (I am repeating the word “zoom” for effect. Yes, it does feel as if it is constant!)  

Rothberg wonders, how much do you have to achieve to wear the badge of “Real Mother”?  For now, she believes she has faked it well enough for her children.  But, when will they figure it out?  Then she recounts a story of how there was a bird in their home and she became hysterical.  “It was so clear I had no idea what to do, that I couldn’t rid my home of the would-be predator. It signified all my failings, that I couldn’t protect my children, that I am ignorant and incompetent...that I am a Fake Mother.”  At the end of the day, when discussing with her children, she realized that all they saw was the hysterics and the giggles. While she had no idea what she was doing, they loved every minute of it. She finally figures out that while we might feel inside as if we do not know what we are doing when our children look at us they simply see… their mothers.  This reminds me of a picture someone recently forwarded to me. 

            While we might be feeling, especially during this COVID 19 time, “Should I be doing more? I look a mess! I am failing them. I wish I had it more together. Am I good enough? Am I present enough?” all they are thinking is, “I love her.” 

And, perhaps a real mother is supposed to admit her ignorance, and inability to do things. (My children know that when the zoom is not working- I yell on top of my lungs, muted, of course- for them to hurry to help me!)  They learn that their mother is “perfectly imperfect,” but is real with all her flaws.  We thereby give our children permission to be imperfect as well. After “I love you,” “I don’t know” are the best three words a child can hear from his/her mother.  

Today happens to be my grandmother, a”h, birthday.   My Bobbi was a Hungarian Holocaust survivor who baked delicious kokosh and gave the best hugs. She was a women who carried herself with grace and personality.  I was thinking about a song that she used to sing to us in Yiddish called “Sheyn vi di Levone” - As Beautiful As The Moon.  I can still hear her singing!  The lyrics of the first few lines are below in Yiddish and English, for those who are interested.

Sheyn vi di levone,

Likhtik vi di shtern,

Fun himl a matone,

Bistu mir tzugeshikt!

vayl/mayn glik hob ikh gevunen,

Ven ikh hob dikh gefunen,

As beautiful as the moon,
As radiant as the stars,
You are sent from heaven
As a gift to me.
I won good fortune
When I found you

  

Why the moon? While the author of the song was not at all considering the Jewish implications of the song, the Zohar states that the sun symbolizes perfection, as it rises and shines brightly each day and is predictable.  The moon symbolizes imperfection as it is smaller than the sun and waxes and wanes. Some days it shines brightly and some days it is but a sliver of itself. But, when our children see us as the moon- they see us as the song notes, as truly beautiful! 

As we celebrate this imperfect mother’s day as many of us are unable to spend the day with our mothers in person, may we recall the wonderful times and lessons- both the perfect and imperfect.