Reframing In Advisory

In these past weeks since quarantine began, we have been popping into classes to check in on the students,  meeting with some small groups of students during lunch and after school, and seeing how they are doing in our “seemingly” spontaneous discussions during after- school activities.  While we have been hopefully keeping a pulse on how the students are doing,  we were glad this week to be able to place Advisory back into the weekly schedule.  I thought I would take this week’s column to share with you what we discussed, and add some practical strategies we as parents can use at home. 

            We began the session with a frank trigger video  “QuaranTeens - Teenagers Reveal What Being in Quarantine During Covid-19 is Really Like, ” depicting  “real teens” describing what was hard for them in quarantine and things they actually thought were positive about quarantine. Our students were definitely able to relate!   In preparation for this piece of the discussion students filled out an anonymous survey asking them to express how they are feeling during this time. We were thereby able to utilize live students’ comments in class and the results of the survey in our discussion.  Before we began we stressed that all emotions are normal.  Some may feel relieved to not be in school while some might feel upset about it.  Some might feel zoom learning is working great for them, while some might feel they cannot even focus. All feelings are normal.  

Some of the issues/ideas that students brought up in person and in the survey were being distracted by at-home distractions during  distance learning or conversely finding it easier to pay attention during zoom learning!  Many shared that having their phones near them during class time was distracting.  We did discuss the pluses of having the phone outside of the room where they are taking class.  Some frankly shared that texting and house party were definitely enticing during class.  We shared strategies to  stop being distracted by our phones. 

The loneliness of not being able to socialize in school was felt by many.  Some felt like they were still connecting sufficiently with peers, while others were thirsting for more and were feeling socially isolated. But, overall they miss their friends!  Some expressed worries about their grandparents getting sick and shared what they did to stay connected with them.  Students were proud to share new hobbies and activities they were engaging in at home to stay busy.   (We have a student learning German!!) Many were happy to share that they were enjoying the family time- especially when parents who usually work long hours are home more.   Students discussed that they are wasting a lot of time and spending too much time on technology.  But, they were grateful for more free time too (and Neflix!).  We talked about the importance of spending more time outdoors, and even making daily schedules so we don’t spend too much time on technology (aka, Fortnite). 

It was mostly unanimous that students expressed that at first when they heard school was closed they were ecstatic.  “Longest snow day ever!!!”  Time off from school- yay!  But, when they realized this was not ending anytime soon they were dejected.  (Although a number of them were upset when they realized they would miss Shushan Purim!)   Students expressed sadness for missing milestones and activities- bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, softball season, chicken kashering, a real color war, graduations… 

            We then watched another video called “Lesson From A Latte” by Talia Rosenbaum.  In the video she cooks a potato, an egg and makes a latte with hot water. She discussed that when we have hot water,  (representing tough times like the quarantine we are in now),  we can be like a potato which becomes mushy and falls apart under pressure.  We can be like an egg, which hardens and becomes angry.  Or, we can take the hot water and make a delicious latte.  We can take the hot water and make something more delicious.  We have the choice how we are going to react. We reference the Viktor Frankl quote (that we mentioned in a previous column) “Everything can be taken away from a man or a woman but one thing; the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances…”  

            We discussed how we may not have the choice about what is happening in the world right now, but we can choose our attitude. We can see the world as a cup half full or half empty.  We may not be able to control what is going on around us at all times- that we are in isolation and in distance learning, but there are things we can control.  This graphic below highlights some of the areas we discussed that we can control. 

            The truth is,  some of this “stinks” and there are things that we are missing. But, even though it is not how we imagined it would be, we can handle this. 

            We ended the session with a focus on the word “reframing.”  I showed them this video which is  a prime example of the power of reframing. (Definitely worth watching if you haven’t seen it yet). Concept Video the Power of Letters:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8fMcrGC5c0

Reframing is the ability to look at a situation and change its meaning and see it from a different perspective.  A person’s point of view is based on the frame in which it is viewed.  The moment something happens to us we decide what meaning the situation has for us. You don’t make the team. What are some positive things that might come from not making the team? More free time to hang with friends. Less pressure to fit in homework.  

            As adults in the lives of our teens, first we need to empathize and agree,  “This is challenging. It stinks.” Then we can help them reframe by asking them, “What positives might come out of this?”  Instead of viewing it in a negative frame we can view it in a positive frame. We can help remind them that their first reaction is only one possible outlook.  We can assist them in redefining a problem- which is overwhelming, instead as a challenge- which can be stimulating. When we reframe we are not denying that the challenge is difficult, but we can manage.  

            Cognitive distortions can get in the way of our being able to reframe situations, as Dylan Buckley notes in his article “What Is Cognitive Reframing And Why Do Therapists Use it?” Cognitive distortions like a.  All or nothing thinking- situations are either all good or all bad.  b. Over- generalization- something happened once in a particular way so it will happen again (which is hardly ever accurate).  c. Magical Thinking- something illogical can affect an outcome,  d. Magnifying or minimizing- either making things bigger than they are or seeing them as less important than they are. e. Emotional Reasoning- we base our conclusions on the way we feel rather than on valid evidence. f. Personalizing- we take something that is not about us and make it as if it was directed towards us.  g. Negative/positive predictions- we tend to make the same sort of predictions- whether negative or positive, based on our assumptions and not facts. h. Catastrophizing-  when something happens we believe it is worse than it is and we believe it will have significant impact on our lives.  i. Negatively or positively biased recall- we remember past events in an unrealistically positive or negative light.

            What we think can have a significant impact on our ability to reframe situations. Harmful thinking patterns can stand in the way of that reframing.  We can help our teens stop zooming in on the negative (pun intended!)  We should not squelch their negative thoughts, as thought stopping can make it worse. But, rather help them examine their thoughts and see if they are  realistic and helpful. 

            Some practical ways to do so,as noted by Dr. Raychelle Lohmann, is by looking at the situation from the outside looking in by removing ourselves from the situation and observing it objectively and putting distance between ourselves and the situation. What would I think if someone else was in my situation?  Or we can “put on our detective hats”?  What are the facts and what are my feelings? Do they match up or are my feelings magnifying the situation.  And then, “hold your horses.”  When your inner voice is telling you to be negative, “take hold of the reins and hold your horses.”  Stop your emotions from running wild and slow down to consider all your options before reaching the wrong conclusions.   And, finally, “sift through the dirt to find the gold.” We may need to sift through a whole bunch of dirt before we find that nugget, as a gold miner would do.  We need to challenge ourselves to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

            Dr. Tal Ben Shahar, in his book Happier writes about the key to happiness. He aptly summarizes what we have been saying. “Happiness is not merely contingent on what we do or where we are but on what we choose to perceive.”