The Eyes- Windows To The Soul

 I recall the first day of school looking into the faces of our new sixth graders thinking, “How will I ever learn their names when I cannot even see their faces?” Thank G-d, I have been getting to know them underneath those masks. 

 

Before I returned to school I purchased a number of clear masks thinking I would need them so that I could connect with the students. I actually haven’t even worn them.  

 

But, mask-wearing has most definitely changed our regular everyday communication.  It is harder to communicate  and speaking with someone requires our full attention.  Facial expressions are an integral part of communication.  In fact, research done before Covid-19 on patients’ perceptions of doctors with and without masks indicates that patients had more negative perceptions of doctors when they wore masks.  How does mask wearing affect our emotional recognition and social interaction? 

 

 

Dustin York, in “How To Build Rapport...While Wearing A Mask” highlights his acronym  P.A.V.E.- strategies needed for better communication  while wearing face masks.  Pause- since it is hard to see when we are pausing, we should accentuate our pauses so listeners know when they can jump in.  Accentuate- Use different intonation.  Volume- speak up.  Emotion-  make your voice more expressive. 

 

Like many Covid-19 experiences, wearing masks has taught me a thing or two about communication skills we implement during this mask-wearing time that we can carry over into our general social skills as well.  One such skill is active listening- when listening to another if we nod our heads and even say sentences like, “I got you,” “Really?”  or by paraphrasing what they said, “So, you mean..” “I hear that you are saying…”  they feel heard. Active listening is a skill we should always use, but absolutely necessary when wearing a mask.  

 

Another communication skill to carry over to post-covid life is having to verbalize some things that before mask wearing were evident from our facial expressions.  We need to state our emotions out loud. We cannot assume someone will read between the lines and get what we are saying, and then in turn be upset when he/she does not.  Just say it!    At times, the best way to know how someone is feeling if we cannot tell is to ask them to tell us.  

 

The paying attention to the tone of voice of the speaker in order to ascertain emotional content is also another lesson that we can glean from this time period. And, of course, as the speaker, making the effort to make our tone of voice clear for the listener. 

 

Most importantly, eye contact has become essential. Eyes are truly “windows to the soul.”  They are the key to emotional connectedness. When people are upset they might furrow their eyes, and when happy they open them up wider. They might crinkle when laughing or roll them when they are annoyed or showing contempt. When concerned  their eyes widen.   One can tell when someone is faking happiness by looking at his/her eyes.  Drs. Sebastiaan Mothot and and Stefan Van der Stigchel demonstrated that the size of a person's pupils can tell us about their emotions and intentions.  Our pupils dilate when we are aroused. When we are interested in something our pupils dilate. When we are simply faking being interested our pupils will not dilate.  There is an actual pupillary response that corresponds to our expectations and emotions.  Additionally, "Eye contact, although it occurs over a gap of yards, is not a metaphor," psychiatrists Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon write in "A General Theory Of Love." "When we meet the gaze of another, two nervous systems achieve a palpable and intimate apposition."

 

 A 2018 study found that when we make eye contact with another we are more likely to “engage in selfless, altruistic behavior.” We are also more likely to remember the details of our interaction with the other and to deem the other more positively.  And, a Wall Street Journal Article, “Just Look Me In The Eye Already” states that an adult makes eye contact only 30-60% of the time in a conversation, but emotional connection is only made when the eye contact is made 60-70% of the conversation.  

 

Clearly during this time the ability to read the language of the eyes is essential.  But, this is a skill that we need to carry over to social skills post-covid.  And, of course, making eye contact is plain old polite. 

Teens especially are not particularly fond of making eye contact. They are self-conscious and generally look down at their phones so are not used to eye contact. 

And, as we know, technology has changed the way teens make eye contact.  It is not unusual to see a group of teens sitting together all looking at their phones and not at each other. In the age of technology we feel too vulnerable and awkward when making eye contact and often retreat to our phones to make contact with others.  Connecting with others through social media is superficial.  Communicating by digital means alone is not a way to develop a deep relationship or keep it going.  We are raising a generation of teens who are more comfortable communicating via phone than in person.  

And, just the mere presence of a phone, even if we are not looking at the screen, lowers the quality of the in-person conversation. The study, published in the journal Environment and Behavior, confirms the findings of a 2013 lab-based study in a real-world setting. It suggests you don't have to be actively checking your phone for it to divide your attention.  If subjects held a phone on the table or in their hand during the conversation, they rated the conversation to be “less fulfilling” compared to conversations that took place without the phones present.  There were less “feelings of interpersonal connectedness” and less “empathetic concern.” 

"Mobile phones hold symbolic meaning in advanced technological societies," a research team led by Shalini Misra of Virginia Tech University writes. "In their presence, people have the constant urge to seek out information, check for communication, and direct their thoughts to other people and worlds.  Even without active use, the presence of mobile technologies has the potential to divert individuals from face-to-face exchanges, thereby undermining the character and depth of these connections. Individuals are more likely to miss subtle cues, facial expressions, and changes in the tone of their conversation partner's voice, and have less eye contact."

And, there seems to be some long-term effects of technology use on a teen’s ability to read non-verbal emotional cues.  Dr. Patricia Greenfield invited teens to spend five days at an overnight camp without any technology. Compared to a control group who had all their technology with them, the children at the camp were better at reading non-verbal emotional cues. 

How do we teach our children to have eye contact which is an important component of emotional connectedness and an essential part of having manners?  First demonstrate how important it is by demonstrating when they are trying to speak to you how it feels to have your eyes wandering.  Explain that not only is it polite to look someone in the eye , but it does demonstrate empathy- they are truly hearing them. Then they should  practice for short amounts of time at first.  Have them look in between someone’s eyebrows to start. Tell them to see the color of a person’s eyes when they speak for however amount of time they can.  

The impact of technology on the ability to make eye contact affects us as adults as well.  In this age of multitasking, it has become the norm to have a conversation with no eye contact at all. Carolyn Gregorie in her article “How Technology is Killing Eye Contact,” says it aptly: 

 "All too often we're like cornered animals with our eyes darting from device to human and back to device," Daniel Sieberg, author of "The Digital Diet: The Four-Step Plan To Break Your Tech Addiction And Regain Balance In Your Life," tells The Huffington Post. "Eye contact can be especially meaningful in today's world of constant partial attention and it conveys a sentiment that the person you're with matters. Taking that extra time when possible can really yield benefits with face-to-face interaction."

 

However, most of us have become accustomed to conversations where digital devices interrupt eye contact: You're in a conversation with an acquaintance whose gaze is directed down at a screen while you're speaking, a friend jumps into the dinner conversation without looking up from the text she's composing, or you catch yourself nodding along to your daughter's story while reading an email. These interactions aren't just what previous generations would have considered rude: They're also undermining our ability to connect with the people in our lives. 

We adults struggle with eye contact as well, but we are reminded of the importance of eye contact as parents and transmitting that importance to our children at all times- even after covid. Eye contact is essential for a true connection with our children.   “Look at me when I am speaking to you,” we might say to our children.  We want to see that they are truly listening.  We can feel their emotions more and in turn they can feel ours.  They can see the love in our eyes when they are looking at us. We too, as parents, are finding that in this age of technology we are spending less time making eye contact with our children.  We too are engaged in digital multitasking. 

 The one on one time we spend with our children when we look into their eyes is desperately needed.  Cindy Webb in her article, “The Importance of Making Eye Contact With Your Children,” speaks about three important steps to making a connection with your child- even when they are teens. 1. Physical Touch 2. Eye Contact 3. Focused Attention.  We still need to hug them and kiss them  goodbye. We should make dates with them to have focused attention- where we are fully present.  Eye contact represents that focus- that only they are the center of our world. Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness, 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, writes,  “It is the bull’s eye- the sweet spot of parenting. Sure, kids need time to just hang around with us while we check our email or cook dinner and they read or do their homework. But they also need us to focus on them a little bit each day, be totally present with them.”  We need to make good eye contact as they tell us about their day.  No yelling up the steps, but waiting to speak so we can see their eyes.

 

The Gemara Avodah Zarah 28b states: , דשורייני דעינא באובנתא דליבא תלו “The muscles of the eye are connected to the heart.” Our eyes have a deep connection to our emotions. No wonder eye contact is essential for developing connections with other and most importantly with our children.  Wearing masks is just another opportunity to focus on that eye contact and connection. 

 

 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a segment on how to determine appropriate behavior in class with teachers.

 

Seventh Grade:  Students focused on resiliency and how we have the choice how to perceive situations. 

 

Eighth Grade:  Students began the 2nd half of our Advisory curriculum focusing on life after Yavneh- skills they will need for high school life.

The Resilience of the Maccabees

 

The Maccabees were few in number and their chances of winning were slim.  Yet, they did not give up and persevered and thereby רבים ביד מעטים- the many fell in the hands of the few against all odds. They then arrived in the Beit HaMikdash and again were devastated.  All the oil seems to have been tainted by the enemy. Alas, another miracle! They found one flask of oil enough for one mere day, again against all odds.   They saw how there is only enough oil left for one day. It will take a week to make more oil. And, then again, against all odds, it lasted for eight days.

I can imagine the conversations among them.  “Why even try? There is no way we will win against the mighty Greeks!”  “We can do it- let’s not give up! Stay hopeful! Believe!”  And, then,  “Why are we even wasting our time looking for a pure flask of oil? They are all tainted!”  “We can do it- let’s not give up hope!  Believe!”  And, then “Why are we  bothering to light the menorah? It will only last for one day!”  “Let us at least try. Miracles do happen! Stay hopeful. Believe!” 

Chanukah is the holiday of resiliency- the ability to bounce back from difficulties and persist.  This past week, as I have mentioned in past years in this column, we began a unit in our 7th grade Advisory called “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping with Adversity in Life.”  We begin with a quiz.  Who is this?  “He ran for political office seven times and was defeated each time.” .... Abraham Lincoln.  “His first children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers.”.... Dr. Seuss. “ As a baseball player, he struck out more than any player in the history of baseball: 1,330 times.”... Babe Ruth.  Why were these famous people able to continue despite failure and rejection? What was their secret?  Why do others quit the moment they face tough times? 

We demonstrate to the students that it is the difference between an egg and a super ball. The Advisor then takes a  ball and bounces it into a container. She points out that the harder you bounce it the quicker it bounces back. Then she takes the egg and throws it into the container.  It shatters. An egg- the harder you throw it, the quicker it shatters. There are two types of people in life. Some are raw egg people- who shatter when faced with an obstacle. Then there are super ball people. When they face an obstacle they bounce back. The people above- Lincoln, Dr. Seuss etc. with every failure they bounced back.

We then speak about the story of Jim Marshall, a former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings.  In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall spotted the football on the ground. He scooped it up and ran for a touchdown as the crowd cheered. But he ran the wrong way. He scored for the wrong team and on national television!  It was the most devastating moment of his life. The shame was overpowering. But during halftime, he thought, “If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it.” Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team's victory.”  Dr. Carole Dweck speaks about Jim Marshall’s triumph in her book Mindset.  We discuss with the students that after a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship. 

Lazer Gurkow in this article “Despite the Odds” highlights the insurmountable military challenge the Maccabees faced when fighting the Greeks. He adds an additional challenge: If this were not intimidating enough, consider the internal threat. A huge number of Jews had Hellenized—assimilated into the Syrian Greek culture. They rejected the laws and rituals as ancient relics, superfluous to an enlightened people. They viewed those who clung to religion as backwards, a cancer to be excised. They would do everything in their power, including fighting their own brethren, to ensure stability and the continuity of their lifestyle.”  

Not only were they facing the external threat, but also their own internal threat. We are often our own worst enemies. At times it is our peers or friends that discourage us. At times we ourselves have an internal self-talk (which we discuss in Advisory) which discourages us from dusting ourselves off and trying again.  “Yet, the Jewish warriors rejected this script and drew on the resilience of their soul,” says Gurkow. Resilience.  Here, he maintains, they gained that resiliency from their souls- from their Emunah and belief in G-d’s salvation. (We too have discussed the power of  emunah in helping our children persist through difficulty).  

In essence the Maccabees were believers, and they were clearly optimists. They had the ability to see the cup half full and not half empty.  We also call this in Advisory the ability to see the world through “rose-colored glasses” instead of dark glasses. While our students this year have not gotten to this exercise yet (so don’t spoil it for them!) we plan to apply this exercise to the covid experience they are going through this year.  The example I will give them relates to losing power at your house during a hurricane:

During the hurricane, suddenly your power went off in your home.

Rose colored glasses perspective: 

“It was so much fun when the power went off in my house during the hurricane. We all got to sleep in the same room and my father didn’t have to go to work.  We stayed up late telling ghost stories- it was like one big campfire!  We stayed up all night playing games and having fun by flashlight.  I will never forget that night!”

Dark colored glasses perspective: 

“It was the worst night of my life. There was no power so we all had to squish into one room.  And, all I really wanted to do was to go to sleep in my own room, but my siblings were playing and making so much noise!  It’s so boring with no TV to watch, and I knew my teacher would be angry at me for not doing my homework. I wish we had a generator!” 

We will then ask them to do a similar activity with a covid situation. 

Gurkow focuses on the  a message that stems from Chanukah that we can hold onto during these difficult times we are in now and during any times of challenge:

The miracle of Chanukah was not just that the light lasted for eight days; that is a rather small miracle for G‑d. If He could split the Reed Sea, He could refill an oil jar. The miracle is that human beings, fallible and imperfect, overcame their doubts and found a new script. They rejected the odds and charted a new future. They refused to live in darkness and found their internal light.

The miracle of the eight-day light is merely an expression of the miracle wrought by the Maccabees. G‑d wanted the world to know what the Maccabees had achieved and made it a clarion call for generations. Don’t accept the script of darkness no matter the odds. You have a light inside you that refuses to be extinguished, and that one little light can banish a great deal of darkness.

When you kindle the Chanukah lights this year, stop and think about resilience and endurance. 

When we focus on the light within we can persevere. What is that light? (All of which we cover in Advisory)

1. Positive “self-talk”- encouraging messages we tell ourselves, similar to what we would tell a friend who is struggling.

2. Grit- holding fast to a goal despite failure.

3. Upbeating thinking- seeing the cup half full.

4. Resisting negative thoughts- i.e. I am a terrible student! Nobody likes me because I am not “cool” enough. 

5. Positive coping statements- before, during and after stressful situations encouraging oneself with statements like “It’s going to be okay.” “I can handle this.”

6. Mindful self-compassion- being aware of what you are going through without judgment and then having the ability to comfort, self-soothe and encourage ourselves when we suffer or fail. 

7. Affirmations- statements that we make about ourselves that we affirm and say over and over until we believe them. 

8. Emunah- trust in G-d and belief that what is happening is good for us. 

Chava Shapiro, in  her article “The Opportunity in Adversity” agrees and states “The miracle of the oil teaches us a critical life lesson: how to find light in the midst of what seems like utter chaos and darkness.”  Shapiro continues that adversity can be viewed simply as an obstacle to overcome or part of life from which we emerge better, stronger and wiser. After facing a challenge we understand ourselves better and are better.  We need to remember the little oil within us that we can set aflame when we are ready. 

Chana Weisberg in “Eight Chanukah Lessons That Teach an Enlightening Perspective on Life” focuses on another lesson regarding facing difficulty that we glean from the oil lasting for 8 days. “Don’t fight darkness; enlighten it by shining the light of truth and purpose. Don’t dwell on negativity or failures; instead, focus on positive change.” 

Sarah Chana Radcliffe in her article just this week “Lighten Up: You can bring light into your home by toning down the negativity” reiterates the importance of shining that light instead of focusing on negativity. Through constant criticism, lecturing, nagging and complaining we introduce darkness into our homes.  We focus on the negative and do not equally focus on the positive. We need to work more on finding the good, judging all for the good and focusing more on the blessings in our lives. 

In the article following Radcliffe’s article, various authors wrote personal stories they call “The Last Flask”- “They were a tiny band of brave warriors who had defeated the powerful Greek army.  And now, they wanted to renew the service in the Beit HaMikdash, to kindle the menorah that would light up the world.   But the oil they needed was desecrated, dribbling from shattered vessels, unsealed and contaminated. And then they found it- the last flask, the small bottle that would enable them to start anew.  12 writers share the last flask that lit up their own lives…”  We all have those difficult times and those “last flasks” that we can find deep within ourselves. 

Let us encourage our children to look for that last flask within them, even when they feel that all is lost.  We raise them with the encouragement that they can do it despite the challenges they face. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed bar/bat mitzvah etiquette and appropriate behavior at a simcha.

Seventh Grade: Our students began the new unit mentioned above in this column “When Life Gives You Lemons” and focused on what contributes to resiliency. 

Eighth Grade: Students did a “quality circle”  on the topic of cyberexclusion and how it impacts others when we post photos of get-togethers to which they were not invited.  How are we doing here at Yavneh in this area?