Square Pegs In Round Holes

 

        Some of my favorite students over the years have been what I lovingly call “square pegs.”  They are the students who just don’t fit into those round holes. They do not conform with the general population and often struggle trying to fit in. Actually, I often find that those “square pegs” may be content the way they are and it is the adults in their lives- whether us or their parents- who worry about getting them to fit in. What if your son isn’t into athletics and is more interested in reading, music or art?  What if your daughter really just doesn’t care about how she looks when her classmates do? The question is, should we encourage these children to conform and try to fit in?  Will life then be easier for them? 

Some children might feel proud of their individuality. Those who are more vulnerable may suffer from the pressure they put on themselves to fit in and view themselves as “misfits.”  Often, as parents, we place additional pressure on our children worried about their future- “How will he/she get into high school?” “Who will want to room with her in camp?”  The first part is taking a step back and not worrying about the future.  We do want to make sure our children feel understood.  We want to help them pursue their passions.  And, when we have to help them acquire skills or interests they don’t have, just so that they will succeed in school and in life we need to be careful.  Debbie Roer in her book Differently Wired writes and worries that , “our kids may begin believing they’re not okay.”  We also need to consider when we are working to bring our children more into the mainstream,  “Whose need is it?”  Is it more important to me that my child fit in and he is content the way he is? 

One way to better understand these “square peg” children is by understanding the concept of “goodness of fit.”  When a child’s character traits fit well into the  environment and the people in the environment that is considered “goodness of fit.”  When the child’s temperament and abilities meet the demands and expectations of the environment that is a good fit.  Oftentimes, children are not a good fit with their family, for example. They may come from a family where the parents are quite social and they are introverts.

If we can help create a goodness of fit, we can help raise their self-esteem, avoid conflict, build a better relationship with our children. We first need to understand our child’s temperament and how that might be different from our own.  When we are then presenting her with situations we need to consider how well that situation may fit with her temperament. And, when she must engage in an activity that does not fit with her temperament, what can we do to be more understanding, not show frustration and anticipate her needs by helping her ease into the situation?  There are going to be times in life when she will encounter situations that are not good fits for  her. How can she manage? What can she do to persist and get through it? 

But, there is a difference between belonging and fitting in. Bene Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection

“One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing and in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted.  Belonging doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

"In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all. Many of us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted.  But we're not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking."

Children often feel that they must fit in at all costs- and that is the only way to belong. They are bombarded by media that reinforces that message.  You need to wear the right clothes, hang out with the right kids etc.  Dr. Brown demonstrates the pressure to fit in is “Shame-based” telling children that they are not good enough.

Dr. Karen Pace, in her article, “Help kids learn the difference between ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’” quotes Dr. Brown’s research and highlights focus groups Dr. Brown ran with eighth graders. They shared, in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead, some quotes that just say it all:

• Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.

• Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.

• I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.

Interestingly enough, children often begin to feel this “not fitting in” sensation as in middle school. Jeni Marinucci, in her article “Not Fitting In At School: How To Help Your Child”  quotes psychologist Paulo Pires notes that this timing is not coincidental. “‘From nine until eleven- what we call middle childhood- kids start to gain awareness of similarities and differences within peer groups, and hierarchies begin to develop. This puts some kids in the “cool” group while others float on the periphery.’ Pires’ colleague, Shonna John, adds that... This stage of development is completely normal, but it’s not easy for those left out. Some kids are naturally into activities considered popular, which at this age tend to be athletics, but not everyone can be a sports star. Where does that leave the bookworm, theatre aficionado or computer whiz?”

        Belonging begins by giving your child permission to be who he is.  And, overall, the ability to be comfortable in his own skin.

But, he also needs to know when there are times to fit in. There are times when it is in your best interest to not share one’s true opinions or personality.  There are rules of manners and etiquette that our children need to learn as well.  There are children who do benefit from social skills groups to help them “fit in” better at times.  But, no matter what, we love them for who they are. 

Above all, our children do need to know that if a group of friends makes you feel as if you are always trying to fit in and never truly belong, they probably are not the right friends for you.  

The Gemara Sanhedrin 38a speaks of the creation of Adam HaRishon:

“The mishna teaches: And this serves to tell of the greatness of the Holy One, Blessed be He, as when a person stamps several coins with one seal, they are all similar to each other. But the supreme King of kings, the Holy One, Blessed be He, stamped all people with the seal of Adam the first man, as all are his offspring, and not one of them is similar to another.” 

Hashem did create us all with similarities to Adam, and there are some behaviors we engage in that are common to us all. At times we need to fit in. But, let us remind our children that Hashem created every single one of us to be different and to be individuals.  We are all unique and let us not give up that which makes us different  in order to fit in.  And, as Sara Radcliffe states in her article “Square Pegs,”  “Being one’s best self always involves being one’s true self.  Hashem makes no mistakes.” 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Using the steps of empathy- how can teachers and students ensure to provide each other with mutual respect? 

Seventh Grade:  Students focused on the power of upbeat thinking. 

Eighth Grade:  Using the skills of empathy how can parents and children get along better?

A Relationship-Building Blessing On Your Head

 

            Every Friday night my father, a”h, would bless us.  Each child would wait his or her turn for the beracha.  In my home, my children receive a beracha every Friday night as well. Now that my son is Israel for the year, he receives his over the phone before Shabbat begins.  This Friday night blessing has always been an integral piece of my Shabbat experience.  In many homes, the beracha that parents give their children each Friday night is a highlight of the week.

Why am I considering this beracha now? As we know, a piece of this beracha was found in yesterday’s parasha, as Yaakov tells Ephraim and Menashe that their names will be used for blessing for generations to come

וַיְבָ֨רֲכֵ֜ם בַּיּ֣וֹם הַהוּא֘ לֵאמוֹר֒ בְּךָ֗ יְבָרֵ֤ךְ יִשְׂרָאֵל֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר יְשִֽׂמְךָ֣ אֱלֹקים כְּאֶפְרַ֖יִם וְכִמְנַשֶּׁ֑ה 

So he blessed them on that day, saying, "With you, Israel will bless, saying, 'May God make you like Ephraim and like Manasseh,' "

And, in truth, that is the case. Every boy on Friday night is blessed that Hashem should make him like Ephraim and Menashe. 

In general, parashat Vayechi contains the individual blessings for each of the 12 sons of Yaakov.  What is the importance of giving a child a blessing and what can it teach us as parents?  What should we be thinking about on  Friday night as our children receive these berachot that can make us better parents?  

Rabbi Seth Grauer, in his article “Perspectives on Education, Pedagogy and Parenting” states that one of the first references to this custom of blessing one’s children comes from Rabbi Aharon Berachia ben Moshe of Modina, a 17th century kabbalist. He said,  “that these blessings will be fulfilled not only for the child being blessed, but for the parent doing the blessing as well.” Somehow, this beracha makes an impact on not only the children, but on us as parents as well. 

He then quotes Rabbi Yaakov Tzvi Mecklenberg, a 19th century German commentator on the siddur who “noted that during the week parents can at times (unfortunately) curse their children because of the strife that can occur between them. The blessing on Friday night is a way for parents and children to reconnect.”  Hopefully Rabbi Mecklenberg is exaggerating, but I believe that he is crystallizing that the first goal of this beracha is.  It forces us as parents to push away all the stress and strife we have had with our children over the week and to simply love them.  We take a few minutes to consider how much we cherish them and how much they mean to us.  (We should probably have a beracha for our spouses too!) 

Grauer then quotes Senator Joe Lieberman from his book The Gift of Rest 

“Of all the things that observant Jews do on the Sabbath …I would put blessing your family high on the list. It is a priceless moment of connection that no matter what has happened during the week, the parent feels blessed to have that child… As a parent you know that weeks can go by when you think of your children less as blessings and more as problems to be solved… Stopping to bless your children once a week makes us pause to appreciate how blessed we are to have them in the first place and reminds them of the love we feel for them.” 

No matter what has happened that week, if you take a moment to hug your children, kiss their heads and bless them, you send them the message that you will always love them...no matter what. 

Dr. Wendy Mogul,  in her book Blessing of a B-, stresses the particular impact of this beracha on teens: 

“My favorite part” (she writes),  “of Shabbat with teens is the traditional blessing of the children… The thirty seconds it takes to say the blessing are intimate, tender, and wildly unlike everyday teen-parent interactions. I’ve never seen a teen resist it. The prayer is beautiful, and particularly touching when said over a teen who is in an undivine state of development…” 

 

 Let us delve deeper into additional meanings and impacts this blessing can have on us by beginning with a common question - why like Ephraim and Menashe? Why were they chosen to be the source of blessing?  The question becomes even stronger as we see that girls are blessed to be like Sarah, Rivkah, Rachel and Leah.  Why do we not bless boys to be like the patriarchs?  One popular answer given is that if you look at all the brothers since the beginning of the Tanach, Ephraim and Menashe were the first two brothers who got along.  We know that Yaakov flips his hands- puts his right hand on the younger and left hand on the older and yet they are not jealous of each other and do not compete. Unlike Kayin and Hevel, Yitzchak and Yishmael, Yaaov and Eisav and Yoseph and the rest of the brothers- Menashe and Ephraim do not battle, but accept their grandfather’s beracha with love. 

If I take a moment to consider the hecticness of the week in my home I think about the everyday noise. “No he did it!” “Why do I have to set the table- it’s her turn?!”  “I want to sit in the front seat- why does he get to?”   Even in the most harmonious of homes we hear these sounds all week. And, then the calmness of Shabbat sets in. We take a moment to stop and bless our children.  One of the utmost wishes that we have is that they should simply get along and there should be peace in the home.

Interestingly enough, how do we make that happen? Not by doing a group hug and blessing them all at once. Rather each child gets his/her individual blessing and attention. 

 Slovie Jungreis- Wolff, in her article, “Battling Sibling Rivalry” differentiates between sibling disagreements and sibling rivalry. With normal disagreements, the children normally get along, and have fights and conflicts at times.

 “Rivalry is defined as a contest, competition, or conflict. We are talking about brothers and sisters who are constantly competing against each other. Life is one big tug of war, each side pulling against the other.

These children are constantly measuring and comparing:
“Hey! Why did she get a bigger piece of cake than me?”
“When I was his age, you never let me stay up so late!”
“Why does he get a playstation for his birthday and you never bought a gift like that for me?”

At times, that rivalry continues into adulthood, as Jungreis notes,
“I should’ve gotten that raise!”
“Why does my sister have such a great life?”
“How did my brother ever get that job? I am so much smarter than him!”
Such individuals never feel at peace. They are forever comparing and don’t know how to be content with what they have.

The root of  this rivalry is people seeing life through an “envious lens.”  We feed this jealousy when we treat each child the same- give them the exact size slice of cake, buy all the children toys at the same time and overall try to treat them the “same.”  This is the error! No one in life is exactly the same. This fosters the contest and it grows “uglier.” When we teach our children that no two people in life are the same- we have our own talents, dislikes and even needs they come to realize they don’t need what their sibling needs.  Jungreis gives a parable:

Being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. Nothing inside fits.
When I was a little girl, I was taught that being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. You lug it home excitedly, open it up, and realize too late that nothing fits. Besides, half the stuff inside isn’t even your taste.

Parents should not help children eye the lives of others. Kids should know that every child in the family is appreciated for his or her specific individuality. We also should not encourage the tantrums and discontent by striving to make each situation equal...And part of being a mensch in this world is being able to look at others without malice.

In Bereishit 50:28 if we look at the berachat of Yaakov to his sons it states, “All these are the twelve tribes of Israel... every one according to his blessing he blessed them.” We know that each tribe got his own individual blessing according to his own personality, abilities and future paths.  We too can incorporate that in our Friday night blessings, despite the text being set.  Rabbi Grauer thereby suggests:

There is a standard form of this bracha, as most of you know, but there is no reason that one cannot improvise and add one’s own blessing either as a weekly standard or a special prayer made to fit the circumstance of the week. Bottom line, each child gets his or her private moment with a parent – or even both parents.

Each child gets a personalized prayer, a hope, an apology perhaps, or maybe an expression of love whispered in their ear, intimately shared as if there were no one else present.

Each child receives a unique kiss in their own way. Those thirty second moments, added up over years of Shabbatot, result in an experience and a bond that many children look back upon fondly.

That experience ties children to their parents and to Shabbat in ways that are profoundly moving. In turn, those moments leave an impact not only on the child but on the parent as well, providing one with perspective on the week and on one’s child.

Adina Soclof, in her article, “Bless Your Children” highlights that one can individualize each child’s beracha by a special hug, gesture, or inside joke that makes it unique for that child. 

Taking a moment aside for each child, giving each one his/her blessing, reminds us of the importance as parents to provide each child with his/her own piece of luggage.  And, as we bless them we think, “May my children get along and love each other,  and always be there for each other.” May they always remember, as my mother is fond of saying, “Family first.” 

A second common explanation for why Ephraim and Menashe were chosen is because they grew up in Egypt and were able to stay true to their Jewish heritage even when surrounded by negative influences.  As parents of teens we know that our most fervent wish is that our children will be able to stand up to negative peer pressure.  Where did Ephraim and Menashe gain this ability to stand up to negative influences?  From their father Yoseph. 

For those who have been reading my column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes that the wife of Potiphar had him by the coat and “ At that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in strength.”

Clearly Yoseph's father was far away in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course, like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages. That is why, when faced with a challenge to his morality, he heard that voice in his head.

So, when we have our frequent “talks” with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!” And, yet when they are faced with challenge, whether peer pressure to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk behavior, or even the temptation to skip their homework, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically see our images before them reminding them of what they should do.  

So, when we bless them on Friday night we are thinking “May they have the strength and ability to withstand negative influences and peer pressure. May they be able to hear my values echoing in their ears and stay safe.” 

Adina Soclof, focuses on some other ways we as parents can use the blessing to keep us centered and grounded.  In addition to some of the points we have outlined above, she notes that it is a perfect time to focus on how grateful we are.  As peace has descended on our homes we are truly grateful for all that G-d has given us-both material possessions and spiritual sustenance, and of course, our families.  It is also a fitting time to think of others whose material and spiritual needs may not be met, or may not have parents who are equipped to bless them, and send some blessings their way. 

The Friday night blessing is our opportunity as parents to remind ourselves of what is important in life, and to relay strengthening messages to our children. 

It has been many years since my father, a”h,  has blessed me. In fact, we are approaching his 18th yahrzeit this coming יא שבט.   But, I can still feel the sensation of his beard on my head as he blessed me and kissed me each Friday night. There is nothing like that feeling that you are loved. Let us remind our children of that each Friday night or as often as we can. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed more of what is considered proper etiquette in a school setting. 

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed the impact of mindset and grit on resiliency. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began a unit on the changing relationship with parents that they are facing as adolescents.