This week we embark on two new beginnings- the beginning of a new school year and the beginning of 5782. As we start anew, it is human nature to consider where we were last year at this time. While we were hoping for a maskless opening to the year, we do recognize how far we have come with vaccinations, back in the lunchroom, and the ability to move from classroom to classroom again. No more plexiglass and no more drive-by bar mitzvahs. We have come far, although we may not be there yet. (In fact, a few days ago, I took out my Shana Tova mask. I distinctly remember washing it after last year Rosh Hashana and thinking- should I save it for next year?!)
We might contemplate the same when it comes to our spiritual growth since last Rosh Hashana. Remember all the resolutions we made to focus on an area that needs improvement? While we were hoping for a complete turnaround, we need to also admit that we have made some strides. We have come far, although we may not be there yet.
Dr. David Pelcovitz gave a parent workshop last week on “Another September With Covid-19: Helping Our Children and Teens Thrive Through School and Challenges.” Dr. Pelcovitz acknowledged the frustration our children (and teachers!) might feel after a summer of freedom in camp and a return to the masks in school. Dr. Pelcovitz stated that study after study indicates that the greatest predictor of how well children did during covid was how well the parents were functioning. As parents, he stressed, we need to model optimism for our children. Verbal and non-verbal optimism where we focus on the positive ( you can all switch classrooms again!) and avoid negativity (uch...those horrible masks again!) must come from us- the adults in their lives. We must remember to validate what they are going through, but try to show them the bright side.
Dr. Pelcovitz quoted a midrash in Bereishit Rabbah 100. When Yoseph was returning from burying his father Yaakov, he stopped by the pit into which his brothers threw him. I don’t know about you, but if I had stopped by the pit I would have sobbed and been angry and relived the trauma. Instead, Yoseph said,
בא”ה אמ”ה שעשה לי נס במקום הזה - Blessed are you Hashem, our G-d King of the universe, who did for me a miracle in this place. He chose to not see the negative experience and focus on the positive.
Where is the positive in wearing masks? Psychologist Dr. Judith Danovitch, in her New York Times Aug. 18th article “Actually, Wearing A Mask Can Help Your Child Learn” noted some unbelievably positive results of wearing masks. Yes, they are inconvenient, uncomfortable and bothersome, but since we have to wear them anyway, we might as well focus on the positives.
Danovitch speaks of some social and cognitive skills that can be strengthened by wearing masks. Self- control and attention are improved by mask-wearing. Additionally, there has been much research focusing on the importance of looking at the eyes of another to truly understand what he/she is saying and what he/she wants to convey. In fact, when children are learning to speak they spend twice the amount of time looking at the speaker's eyes than they do at his/her mouth. Those who have read my column before know that there has been a plethora of research regarding the negative impact that technology usage has had on children’s ability to discern the thoughts and feelings of others- as they rarely look into the eyes of another as they are constantly looking down at their phones. And, as they communicate with each other via text, whatsapp etc. they do not have the benefit of looking into the eyes of the other person and getting a true sense of how he/she is feeling. Research indicates that children who can ascertain a person’s thoughts and emotions by simply looking at their eyes alone have greater social-emotional intelligence.
People also get a sense of what another is feeling by noticing non-verbal cues like posture, gesture, tone of voice and overall body language. Mask-wearing is a great way for children to develop those important skills.
Having to wear a mask all day is practice in self-control and self- regulation- resisting pulling it off. Children who have good self-control and self-regulation are better at “achieving long-term goals, solving problems and handling stressful situations.” And, Danovitch reminds us that mask wearing is also great for those who are trying to stop biting their nails!!
Perhaps, most importantly, by wearing masks children can learn that sometimes we can play a role in helping our community. “For older children, mask wearing is a way to teach more sophisticated ethical concepts like duty and sacrifice. By age 7, for example, children believe that it feels good to make sacrifices on behalf of others in need. Stressing that the discomfort and inconvenience of mask wearing are forms of generosity and public service might motivate children to address other social problems in their lives, like bullying.”
“Ultimately, how children feel about wearing masks at school, and how much they psychologically benefit from wearing them, is going to depend on how the parents, teachers and caregivers around them present the issue. Masks are hopefully not here to stay, but while they are still necessary, we should make the most of them.”
I know it’s easier said than done. I too cannot wait to remove my mask at the end of the day. I am in the middle of reading Mr. Charlie Haray’s book Unlocking Greatness. At the beginning of the book he stresses “What you think about you bring about.” Our minds shape reality.
He quotes a famous research study by Dr. Robert Rosenthal in the 1960s, which really hit home as an educator. Dr. Rosenthal went to an elementary school and claimed that he designed a test that would assess “blooming intelligence” by the results on the test. But, in reality he faked all the scores and randomly gave some students better scores and some worse. A year later, the students he randomly chose were actually at the top of their classes! (And, they all had IQ tests, and he knew that they did not necessarily score the highest). And, their IQ scores even went up a year later! It was all because the teachers mistakenly thought these students were “smarter,” expected more of them, the students then picked up on those expectations and adapted to them. The mind shapes reality.
That is the key to optimism. When when’s mind views circumstances through an optimistic lens, the reality becomes more positive.
Optimism is not living in never never land. Optimism is, according to Time Magazine’s most recent edition on optimism “What optimism is really about is accepting even the most troubling challenges and obstacles with perspective and a clear-eyed intent to not let them stop you from enjoying the best version of your life.”
We need to, therefore, work on thinking optimistically and then relay that to our children. What better message to have at this time of year at Rosh Hashana. This past Shabbat, I went to a shiur by Rabbi Yaakov Neuburger on the debate of whether Rosh Hashana is supposed to be a “scary” day (we do not say Hallel) or a Yom Tov? Isn’t it unusual to be having a festive meal, wear special clothes and enjoy family and friends on a יום הדין - day of judgment? We should be worried and concerned- will this be a year of חיים- good health, financial stability and happiness? We are on trial! Yet, we do make this day a Yom Tov. In fact, in Nechemia 8:10 the navi Nechemia specifically tells the Jewish people on Rosh Hashana:
יוַיֹּ֣אמֶר לָהֶ֡ם לְכוּ֩ אִכְל֨וּ מַשְׁמַנִּ֜ים וּשְׁת֣וּ מַמְתַּקִּ֗ים וְשִׁלְח֚וּ מָנוֹת֙ לְאֵ֣ין נָכ֣וֹן ל֔וֹ כִּֽי־קָד֥וֹשׁ הַיּ֖וֹם לַֽאֲדֹנֵ֑ינוּ וְאַל־תֵּ֣עָצֵ֔בוּ כִּֽי־חֶדְוַ֥ת ה' הִ֥יא מָֽעֻזְּכֶֽם
And he said to them, "Go, eat fat foods and drink sweet drinks and send portions to whoever has nothing prepared, for the day is holy to our Lord, and do not be sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
We are happy because we are optimistic that, as we say in Tehillim 27 every day of Elul through Sukkot:
לְדָוִ֨ד | ה' | אוֹרִ֣י וְ֖יִשְׁעִי מִמִּ֣י אִירָ֑א ה' מָע֥וֹז חַ֜יַּ֗י מִמִּ֥י אֶפְחָֽד:
Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; from whom shall I be frightened?
We are optimistic that Hashem will accept our Teshuva and He will take care of us. We know ויושב על כסא רחמים- He sits on a throne of mercy on judgement day. And, it is easy for us to feel frustrated and pessimistic, "There is no way I can be better! I try each year and fail!" With optimism we can continue to believe in ourselves and in our ability to change. Optimism is the key to Teshuva.
Winston Churchill once said, “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” As we begin this new year of school we approach it with optimism and send that message to our children. And, as we approach Rosh Hashana- the holiday of optimism, we look forward and ahead to becoming better people and to rising to the challenge of the new goals we have set for ourselves.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Only half our sixth graders have begun Advisory with an introduction to what Advisory is and getting to know each other.
Seventh Grade: Our girls began Advisory this week with an introduction to the theme of 7th Grade Advisory “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.”
Eighth Grade: Due to the short week, our 8th graders have not yet had Advisory.
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