One aspect that I love about being in education is that in order to teach one needs to constantly learn. I am, therefore, constantly learning. At the end of the year as a thank you gift, I give our Advisors a book that relates to the social/emotional/spiritual growth of their students or themselves- so that they can continue learning. And, Rabbi Knapp does the same with our administration. He often finds a book that particularly speaks to him and encourages us all to read it as well. This year Rabbi Knapp recommended the book Think Again by Adam Grant.
There are so many elements of this book that I can apply to my life as parent, wife, child, psychologist and teacher. But, as I read this book in the past few weeks it hit me as to how perfectly it relates to teshuva and parenting. As we approach Yom Kippur, rethinking is a crucial component of teshuva. Grant stresses the importance of rethinking and unlearning.
He quotes a research study in his prologue which struck me as an educator. ¾ of people taking a multiple choice exam will hesitate to change their answers because they believe it will hurt their scores. In actuality, 33 studies have indicated that the majority of those who change their answers actually change them from wrong to right. This is called the first-instinct fallacy. Those who rethink their answers actually do better. We by nature resist rethinking.
Why is that the case? Grant states:
Cognitive laziness- it’s easier to hold on to old ideas that face the stress of dealing with new ones.
Questioning what we once believed makes the world unpredictable.
Rethinking something we believed to be true “can threaten our identities, making it feel as if we’re losing a part of ourselves.”
Mental flexibility is required for rethinking. We need to be able to question assumptions that we have always had. Mental flexibility is also needed for teshuva.
Why is teshuva so difficult to do? Why is it so hard to change? Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a”h, in his article “Why Is it So Hard To Change? The Six Obstacles To Teshuvah” speaks of some of the psychological defenses that make it difficult to change. Some of them relate to Dr. Grant’s rethinking.
The first is denial- We are creatures of habit, and we are comfortable when we can do things without the need to exert much effort. Change is uncomfortable, and in order to avoid this discomfort, our minds block out those realizations that would call for change. The natural state of all matter—including human beings—is inertia, but one must force himself to overcome inertia in order to grow and change….One of the axioms of human behavior is that a person will always choose to do that which is most comfortable for him.
It is uncomfortable to rethink. So, denial prevents us from doing so. Denial allows the status quo to remain.
But, if denial does not work, we may resort to rationalization. Instead of entertaining other logical options or reasons, (which we do in rethinking), we justify our own actions in which we have been engaged for years by giving “logical-sounding reasons” for them.
Another manner in which we avoid rethinking is through a defense mechanism called habituation. Habituation lulls us into believing that since we have behaved this way for so long it is permissible. Once we are habituated into the mode of doing a certain behavior, there is no room for rethinking.
Dr. Twerski then speaks about projection. The defense mechanism of projection turns things around: I did not offend him. He offended me. He should really be apologizing to me. Again, the ability to rethink allows the sinner to consider the view of the other person in the situation. The ability to do so is essential when it comes to asking forgiveness- the way to do teshuva for mitzvot bein adam l’chaveiro.
Trivializing is another defense mechanism used in sin. “It’s not so important that I do xyz mitzvah! No big deal!” Again, rethinking...perhaps this act is more important than I always thought.
Along with all of the above, the ego often stands in the way of rethinking one’s actions and teshuva. One must humble oneself to admit that one needs to rethink one’s behavior. Grant notes “recognizing our shortcomings opens to the door to doubt.” He adds that the more intelligent a person is, the harder it is for him/her to see his/her “limitations.” "The power of knowing what you don't know" is the subtitle of Grant's book. Often we think we know it all and one clearly cannot change and improve oneself if one thinks one is all- knowing and is sure of everything.
So, how does one achieve rethinking? Grant says that it involves thinking like a scientist. As a scientist “You’re paid to be constantly aware of the limits of your understanding. You’re expected to doubt what you know, be curious about what you don’t know and update your views based on new data...being a scientist is not just a profession. It’s a frame of mind…”
Another psychological phenomenon which may stand in the way of teshuva, highlighted by Grant as standing in the way of rethinking, is “desirability bias”- seeing what we want to see. “Thinking like a scientist...it involves searching for reasons why we might be wrong…”
Thinking like a scientist is needed for teshuva. (At another time, I will discuss how this type of thinking can be helpful in parenting. It allows for us to rethink some of our assumptions about our parenting, and can help us help our children achieve change as well). During these Aseret Yimei Teshuva we are given the opportunity to rethink all we have done in the past year. The Rambam in Hilchot Teshuva 5:2 quotes a pasuk from Eicha 3:40: "נַחְפְּשָׂ֤ה דְרָכֵ֨ינוּ֙ וְֽנַחְקֹ֔רָה וְנָשׁ֖וּבָה עַד־ה” Let us search and examine our ways, and let us return to the Lord. Rethinking is just that- searching and examining our ways and our thoughts, and unlearning what we have previously thought until we achieve teshuva.
Advisory Update:
Due to Rosh Hashana and Tzom Gedaliah there was no Advisory this week.
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