A Little Stress Is Good For You!

      I am part of a Prizmah group for school guidance staff and we recently discussed a book by Dr. Deborah Gilboa called From Stressed to Resilient.   She begins her book noting that much stress comes from change- even change that we have desired to happen. The ability to navigate the stress from change and come through despite faltering and struggling is resilience She ends her introduction with the realization that “well-being and success aren’t achieved through avoiding stress and running away from change.   Well being and success are achieved through using stress and navigating change.”   

She compares stress to exercise. For most, exercise is not fun and leaves us feeling exhausted and out of shape. But, we know that the more we exercise the more  our body learns how to manage the physical activity. The same with stress. At first we feel overwhelmed by stress.  But, the best way to learn to handle stress is by building your mental endurance by slowly experiencing stress. 

The truth is, our brains hate change. Our brains are wired to keep us alive and to do so to keep the status quo.  Gilboa adds that the brain sees any change as a risk and focuses on how uncomfortable it will be.  But, our job is to not let our brains fool us!  The first step when those negative thoughts come to the fore about how dangerous it is, thereby causing stress, is to think about the positives that change will bring.   (The rest of her book discusses the process of how to do so). 

This concept relates perfectly to two areas of our lives we are presently confronting.  First, the change of the new school year. Those of us who are parents of sixth graders are feeling it more acutely, as the transition to middle school can be quite stressful. (For both the children and the parents!)  And, while they are well-prepared, and we are slowly transitioning them, it is a HUGE change from what they are used to.  And, to some extent our 7th and 8th graders are going through change as well, albeit much smaller.  

And, I remind myself that dealing with small amounts of stress due to change is in their best interest.  So,  while I am tempted to want to ease all their stress, and if they are, for example, worried about the quiz, to simply cancel the quiz, I remind myself that eliminating stress is not the solution. We can cushion them and support them, but getting rid of all stress will not help them in the long run. 

As I have written many times in this column before, in her book, The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee, Dr. Wendy Mogel stresses the importance of allowing our children to struggle and fail.  If we overprotect them from feeling pain, they are also protected from growth.  If they are insulated they are incapable of dealing with any adversity and become “teacups” that “chip like a teacup” when confronting difficulty.  We do spend much time in our Advisory curriculum dealing with stress management and resilience in the face of difficulty. 

There are also three important benefits to the stress of change:

1. Resilience- we discussed this above. We do cushion them to a certain extent, so these are really “mini-stressors” they are experiencing.  Dealing with these smaller stressors now helps them learn to cope with more difficult stressors in life and develop strategies for dealing with them.

2. Motivation- a little bit of stress can be the fuel that drives students to achieve in school, persist through their work and even extra-curriculars. 

3. Relationships- when students go through change and stressful circumstances together, it does create special bonds. 

(I do want to reiterate that both our teachers and the middle school administration are doing everything we can to ease the sixth graders’ transition. But  if you feel your child is facing an undue amount of  stress please feel free to reach out so we can put our heads together and uncover some solutions). 

The second area this concept brought to mind was the Teshuva season we are now in.  We are all undergoing the stress and fear of Divine judgment and the need for change. And, while we noted that change is good for us, it comes with stress.  This time of year can make us nervous and uncomfortable, as Chani Gotlieb notes in her article “My Fear of Fear.”  She too speaks about that she has often considered not focusing at all on the stressful, fearful component of the self-scrutiny, wrong-doings and guilt and instead focus on the “joy evoked by the coronation of Hashem on Rosh Hashanah and the happiness of achieving atonement on Yom Kippur”  as that is more pleasant for her.  

But, eliminating stress and fear is not good for us. In fact, we actually request fear at this time of year in the tefillah of Yamim Noraim:  וּבְכֵן  תֵּן פַּחְדְּךָ ה’ אֱלֹקינוּ עַל כָּל מַעֲשֶֽׂיךָ

And so place Your fear Hashem our God on all Your creations. 

Fear and the uncomfortable feelings of stress are integral features of this time period. 

She continues to quote a section from Rav Soloveitchik’s Al HaTeshuva- On Repentance, page 223,  in which a psychiatrist comes to the Rav and maintains that we should take that line out of the davening as fear, anxiety, stress are all causes of mental illness and we should not daven for them.  The Rav responds: 

“Everyone seems to be beset with fears of all kinds. Some are afraid that they won’t be able to succeed in their careers, others fear losing their wealth or status or that they will fail to attain sufficient prominence. Many people are afraid of sickness and bodily weakness. In generations past, fear of leprosy engulfed the world; today people live in fear of a cancerous growth. Many people don’t go to see a doctor even when they have pains, lest he diagnose them with the dreaded disease.

I’m not a psychiatrist, but I do know that one major source of fear can wipe out all of these lesser fears. What fear can overtake man, thereby uprooting all other fears, such as that of failure, of poverty, of old age, of rejection or of disease? Only the fear of the L-rd! That’s the reason behind the expression in the High Holy Day prayer, “Cast [Your] fear, O L-rd our G-d, upon all [Your] handiwork and [Your] awe upon all that [You have] created.” We pray that this great fear will free us from those other ones which lurk everywhere, upsetting our lives``

 

 

Gotlieb reiterates what Gilboa states that we need fear to keep us from harm and we are therefore hard-wired to experience fear.  It is part of our survival instinct in order to avoid things that are actually dangerous for us.  The Rav is noting that if we have “fear” of Hashem it is really “awe”of Hashem and it means that no matter what we are afraid of in our day to day lives, Hashem is coordinating all on high.  If one fears Hashem one need not be afraid. As Hashem says to Avraham in Bereishit 15:1: 

אַל־תִּירָ֣א אַבְרָ֗ם אָנֹכִי֙ מָגֵ֣ן לָ֔ךְ

Do not be afraid, Avraham. I will protect you. 

(Rav Aharon Lichtenstein, in his article “Teshuva and Joy” notes that while the process of Teshuva may be stressful and fearful it is also full of joy. We are joyful that we are able to connect to Hashem in an intimate way and redress our wrongdoings as He will accept our Teshuva). 

 

While stress and fear in small amounts may be unpleasant, they are good for us.  As we began Selichot last night and we begin the school year, may we take advantage of the small amounts of stress, change and fear that this season conjures up  to become more resilient and achieve the self- improvement that change can bring about. 

 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students engaged in learning the skills of having a good give and take discussion in Advisory.

 

Seventh Grade; Students discussed what it takes to make an impact. 

 

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed setting S.M.A.R.T. goals for the year and the importance of grit.

Focus As Individuals And As A Community

         I was reading a Jewish magazine over Shabbat and came across an ad for something called Project Focus which stated  “Prepare for the Yamim Noraim with focus.” It then continued with the words from Tehillim 121-  אשא עיני  I lift up my eyes.  And, the ad then stated underneath  “Look up.”  

  

I was thinking the Project Focus must be about a spiritual endeavor to make the Teshuva process more impactful during Elul and as we approach Rosh Hashana. But, when I went on the website of Project Focus after Shabbat,  I realized that “Look up” meant “Look up from your phone when speaking to your family.” Project Focus was about finding more focus in the world of technology. I found a series of tips on this Jewish website- here are some below. 

Whether or not you agree with these few tips of “focus” it struck me that Elul and the Yamim Noraim are about self-improvement.  This area of being distracted by technology is clearly an area I can say I need to work on. 

 (Please note that focus is needed for the process of Teshuva in general. As I found in the Teshuva Packet  of Rabbi Asher Baruch Wegbreit, one reason we do not do Teshuva is: 

We don’t have time to do Teshuva: Although the Ramban advocates spending every day of one's life working on Teshuva (Igeres HaRamban), we certainly find it difficult to do during the rest of the year. Yet even now in Elul, with the Shofar blasting every day to remind us to do Teshuva and even right up to Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur, we still find it hard to "squeeze in" the time for working on Teshuva. What to do about it: Take a moment to identify even a five minute period of the day where you can sit even semi-quietly and focus on Teshuva. How about placing it into your Shemone Esrei (in the right place)? That's a time you're already committed to three times a day. “ )

I am sure you have all been following the joint efforts of the RCBC and local middle and high schools who have partnered together for an initiative called “Living Connected” to consider the impact technology has on our lives. This endeavor was launched last week in the Jewish Link.  I am proud to be a part of this effort.  We actually began a prelude to this initiative about three years ago when the schools banded together to create inter-school programming on the impact (both positive and negative) of technology.  That programming was interrupted by covid, and we are already meeting together as schools to plan our first inter-school event coming soon.  (Stay tuned!) 

As part of this “Living Connected” community project a few of us who are guidance staff in schools were asked to respond to a question posed.  Here is what my response was in the Jewish Link this week. 

 "As a parent I often have mixed feelings about my child's social media use. On one hand, it is wonderful to see her engaging with her friends and posting photos of her accomplishments. But, coming from a generation where we didn't do that growing up - I  have a hard time getting used to her constant posting and checking her friends' posts. Also, I have a hard time wondering if this will affect her sense of self.  Am I just old-fashioned?" 

Dear Parent, 

I too struggle each day as an “old-fashioned, ” less than tech savvy adult- and I spend my day with teenagers!   Working in schools for 27 years, and recalling when our students first got e-mail, I do see many of the positive results of the technology in which our children are engaged.  Relocating to a new town is not as traumatic as it used to be, as students are able to connect with friends in a way they never were able to in the past.  A child who is a bit shy, who years ago would feel isolated, feels comfortable fostering friendships online.  Teens are able to advocate for Israel, stand up for the environment or become upstanders against bullying- feeling powerful and as if they can literally change the world-  all thanks to social media.  Social media has boosted the self- esteem of numerous students and has helped them find their inner strengths. 

But, I must share that I, ironically, see the opposite as well.   In our Body Image curriculum I often utilize the  excellent curriculum and videos of the Dove Self-Esteem project (yes, created by the makers of Dove soap).    In their article “The Impact of Social Media on Body Image”  they highlight that in today’s world young people are “living their lives in full view of an online audience.”   Selfies, likes, and comments on their posts help them feel accomplished and accepted.  But, this has led to teens CONSTANTLY seeking the validation of others. Likewise, comparisons with the photos of others cause teens to be dissatisfied with themselves or what they are accomplishing. When they look at the posts of others it always looks as if “Everyone looks like they’re having the best day ever, all the time...unlike me.  Why is their life so much better?” Researchers at Stanford University call these feelings the “duck syndrome”- as ducks always appear to be gliding without effort across the pond, but are frantically paddling below the surface to stay afloat. 

Researchers at Facebook themselves noted in March 2020 that 

“Thirty-two percent of teen girls said that when they felt bad about their bodies, Instagram made them feel worse.  Comparisons on Instagram can change how young women view and describe themselves...Teens blame Instagram for increases in the rate of anxiety and depression. This reaction was unprompted and consistent across all groups. (Boys and girls). Teens blame Instagram for increases in the rate of anxiety and depression. This reaction was unprompted and consistent across all groups.”

It makes sense that all of this begins in the middle school years, as teens start to leave behind the cocoon of family and begin to judge themselves based on the standards of society. Psychologist Erik Erikson calls this stage of life the Identity Versus Confusion phase, when children struggle to understand how their emerging selves might fit into the larger picture. In the “olden days” teens would ask their friends directly to find that identity. Now they have social media. 

How can we as parents help?  This issue is no different from any other issue our teens are facing- we as parents need to TALK ABOUT IT with them. We need to have conversations with them about “How does it feel when someone likes your post?  Do you ever compare yourself to someone else? Do you ever feel worse about yourself after being on social media? Do you really think the other person’s life is as ‘perfect’ as it seems?”  When it comes to body image specifically, speak to them directly about the skewed images they often see on social media.  

And, if you feel “uneducated” about social media and therefore unable to discuss, do get educated!  But, in the meanwhile, as Janell Burley Hoffman, author of iRules  says, Let your child be the teacher. Ask questions! They are eager to teach us about their online worlds and while they are teaching we can bring in a larger conversation. 

Instagram has also indicated very directly in their research that teens do feel addicted to social media and lack the self- control to limit the amount of time spent on social media.  So, another way we can help is to every so often have  our family take a Tech Shabbat- and not on Shabbos!  Let’s all take a break from technology in general or social media in particular.  

I recently came across the words of the Lubavitcher Rebbe from 1966 regarding technology: (He was focusing on the radio!) 

Our sages have said: ‘All that G‑d created was created for His honor.’ This also applies to all the scientific discoveries of recent years—their purpose is to add honor to G‑d by using them for holiness, Torah, and mitzvot . . .There is a special advantage in using radio to teach Torah. Even if a person is not sufficiently motivated to go and attend a class, or even if he turned on the radio only to hear something else, the words of Torah reach him.

So too, social media has so many positive uses. Mishlei 18:21 states: מָ֣וֶת וְ֭חַיִּים בְּיַד־לָשׁ֑וֹן Life and death are in the hands of the tongue.  Today’s “tongue” is social media- it is the way we communicate and pass on information about ourselves and others. It can be for -   חיים -inspiring personal growth- or for מות - it can be harmful to one’s self-esteem. 

May we as parents and educators help our children tap into the חיים that social media has to offer. 

We do know how  much technology adds to our lives. But, we also know how much it can detract.  Just like with Teshuva in general, as Project Focus notes on their website: We know it’s not that easy to change tech habits. That’s why we’ve got dozens of small changes that can help create long-lasting habits. That is what change is about- small, progressive change- often called mini-habits,  microhabits or micromoments. We need to set small doable goals that are achievable and focus on what needs to change. 

Advisory Update:   

Sixth Grade: Half of our sixth graders had their first Advisory session where they got to learn what Advisory is about, how to have a give and take conversation and got to know each other better. 

Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the 7th grade Advisory theme “Prepare Yourself to Change the World.”

Eighth Grade:   Students were introduced to the 8th grade Advisory theme  “Preparing for Life After Yavneh” and did some ice breaker activities.