I am part of a Prizmah group for school guidance staff and we recently discussed a book by Dr. Deborah Gilboa called From Stressed to Resilient. She begins her book noting that much stress comes from change- even change that we have desired to happen. The ability to navigate the stress from change and come through despite faltering and struggling is resilience She ends her introduction with the realization that “well-being and success aren’t achieved through avoiding stress and running away from change. Well being and success are achieved through using stress and navigating change.”
She compares stress to exercise. For most, exercise is not fun and leaves us feeling exhausted and out of shape. But, we know that the more we exercise the more our body learns how to manage the physical activity. The same with stress. At first we feel overwhelmed by stress. But, the best way to learn to handle stress is by building your mental endurance by slowly experiencing stress.
The truth is, our brains hate change. Our brains are wired to keep us alive and to do so to keep the status quo. Gilboa adds that the brain sees any change as a risk and focuses on how uncomfortable it will be. But, our job is to not let our brains fool us! The first step when those negative thoughts come to the fore about how dangerous it is, thereby causing stress, is to think about the positives that change will bring. (The rest of her book discusses the process of how to do so).
This concept relates perfectly to two areas of our lives we are presently confronting. First, the change of the new school year. Those of us who are parents of sixth graders are feeling it more acutely, as the transition to middle school can be quite stressful. (For both the children and the parents!) And, while they are well-prepared, and we are slowly transitioning them, it is a HUGE change from what they are used to. And, to some extent our 7th and 8th graders are going through change as well, albeit much smaller.
And, I remind myself that dealing with small amounts of stress due to change is in their best interest. So, while I am tempted to want to ease all their stress, and if they are, for example, worried about the quiz, to simply cancel the quiz, I remind myself that eliminating stress is not the solution. We can cushion them and support them, but getting rid of all stress will not help them in the long run.
As I have written many times in this column before, in her book, The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee, Dr. Wendy Mogel stresses the importance of allowing our children to struggle and fail. If we overprotect them from feeling pain, they are also protected from growth. If they are insulated they are incapable of dealing with any adversity and become “teacups” that “chip like a teacup” when confronting difficulty. We do spend much time in our Advisory curriculum dealing with stress management and resilience in the face of difficulty.
There are also three important benefits to the stress of change:
Resilience- we discussed this above. We do cushion them to a certain extent, so these are really “mini-stressors” they are experiencing. Dealing with these smaller stressors now helps them learn to cope with more difficult stressors in life and develop strategies for dealing with them.
Motivation- a little bit of stress can be the fuel that drives students to achieve in school, persist through their work and even extra-curriculars.
Relationships- when students go through change and stressful circumstances together, it does create special bonds.
(I do want to reiterate that both our teachers and the middle school administration are doing everything we can to ease the sixth graders’ transition. But if you feel your child is facing an undue amount of stress please feel free to reach out so we can put our heads together and uncover some solutions).
The second area this concept brought to mind was the Teshuva season we are now in. We are all undergoing the stress and fear of Divine judgment and the need for change. And, while we noted that change is good for us, it comes with stress. This time of year can make us nervous and uncomfortable, as Chani Gotlieb notes in her article “My Fear of Fear.” She too speaks about that she has often considered not focusing at all on the stressful, fearful component of the self-scrutiny, wrong-doings and guilt and instead focus on the “joy evoked by the coronation of Hashem on Rosh Hashanah and the happiness of achieving atonement on Yom Kippur” as that is more pleasant for her.
But, eliminating stress and fear is not good for us. In fact, we actually request fear at this time of year in the tefillah of Yamim Noraim: וּבְכֵן תֵּן פַּחְדְּךָ ה’ אֱלֹקינוּ עַל כָּל מַעֲשֶֽׂיךָ
And so place Your fear Hashem our God on all Your creations.
Fear and the uncomfortable feelings of stress are integral features of this time period.
She continues to quote a section from Rav Soloveitchik’s Al HaTeshuva- On Repentance, page 223, in which a psychiatrist comes to the Rav and maintains that we should take that line out of the davening as fear, anxiety, stress are all causes of mental illness and we should not daven for them. The Rav responds:
“Everyone seems to be beset with fears of all kinds. Some are afraid that they won’t be able to succeed in their careers, others fear losing their wealth or status or that they will fail to attain sufficient prominence. Many people are afraid of sickness and bodily weakness. In generations past, fear of leprosy engulfed the world; today people live in fear of a cancerous growth. Many people don’t go to see a doctor even when they have pains, lest he diagnose them with the dreaded disease.
I’m not a psychiatrist, but I do know that one major source of fear can wipe out all of these lesser fears. What fear can overtake man, thereby uprooting all other fears, such as that of failure, of poverty, of old age, of rejection or of disease? Only the fear of the L-rd! That’s the reason behind the expression in the High Holy Day prayer, “Cast [Your] fear, O L-rd our G-d, upon all [Your] handiwork and [Your] awe upon all that [You have] created.” We pray that this great fear will free us from those other ones which lurk everywhere, upsetting our lives``
Gotlieb reiterates what Gilboa states that we need fear to keep us from harm and we are therefore hard-wired to experience fear. It is part of our survival instinct in order to avoid things that are actually dangerous for us. The Rav is noting that if we have “fear” of Hashem it is really “awe”of Hashem and it means that no matter what we are afraid of in our day to day lives, Hashem is coordinating all on high. If one fears Hashem one need not be afraid. As Hashem says to Avraham in Bereishit 15:1:
אַל־תִּירָ֣א אַבְרָ֗ם אָנֹכִי֙ מָגֵ֣ן לָ֔ךְ
Do not be afraid, Avraham. I will protect you.
(Rav Aharon Lichtenstein, in his article “Teshuva and Joy” notes that while the process of Teshuva may be stressful and fearful it is also full of joy. We are joyful that we are able to connect to Hashem in an intimate way and redress our wrongdoings as He will accept our Teshuva).
While stress and fear in small amounts may be unpleasant, they are good for us. As we began Selichot last night and we begin the school year, may we take advantage of the small amounts of stress, change and fear that this season conjures up to become more resilient and achieve the self- improvement that change can bring about.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students engaged in learning the skills of having a good give and take discussion in Advisory.
Seventh Grade; Students discussed what it takes to make an impact.
Eighth Grade: Students discussed setting S.M.A.R.T. goals for the year and the importance of grit.
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