I was reading a Jewish magazine over Shabbat and came across an ad for something called Project Focus which stated “Prepare for the Yamim Noraim with focus.” It then continued with the words from Tehillim 121- אשא עיני I lift up my eyes. And, the ad then stated underneath “Look up.”
I was thinking the Project Focus must be about a spiritual endeavor to make the Teshuva process more impactful during Elul and as we approach Rosh Hashana. But, when I went on the website of Project Focus after Shabbat, I realized that “Look up” meant “Look up from your phone when speaking to your family.” Project Focus was about finding more focus in the world of technology. I found a series of tips on this Jewish website- here are some below.
Whether or not you agree with these few tips of “focus” it struck me that Elul and the Yamim Noraim are about self-improvement. This area of being distracted by technology is clearly an area I can say I need to work on.
(Please note that focus is needed for the process of Teshuva in general. As I found in the Teshuva Packet of Rabbi Asher Baruch Wegbreit, one reason we do not do Teshuva is:
We don’t have time to do Teshuva: Although the Ramban advocates spending every day of one's life working on Teshuva (Igeres HaRamban), we certainly find it difficult to do during the rest of the year. Yet even now in Elul, with the Shofar blasting every day to remind us to do Teshuva and even right up to Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur, we still find it hard to "squeeze in" the time for working on Teshuva. What to do about it: Take a moment to identify even a five minute period of the day where you can sit even semi-quietly and focus on Teshuva. How about placing it into your Shemone Esrei (in the right place)? That's a time you're already committed to three times a day. “ )
I am sure you have all been following the joint efforts of the RCBC and local middle and high schools who have partnered together for an initiative called “Living Connected” to consider the impact technology has on our lives. This endeavor was launched last week in the Jewish Link. I am proud to be a part of this effort. We actually began a prelude to this initiative about three years ago when the schools banded together to create inter-school programming on the impact (both positive and negative) of technology. That programming was interrupted by covid, and we are already meeting together as schools to plan our first inter-school event coming soon. (Stay tuned!)
As part of this “Living Connected” community project a few of us who are guidance staff in schools were asked to respond to a question posed. Here is what my response was in the Jewish Link this week.
"As a parent I often have mixed feelings about my child's social media use. On one hand, it is wonderful to see her engaging with her friends and posting photos of her accomplishments. But, coming from a generation where we didn't do that growing up - I have a hard time getting used to her constant posting and checking her friends' posts. Also, I have a hard time wondering if this will affect her sense of self. Am I just old-fashioned?"
Dear Parent,
I too struggle each day as an “old-fashioned, ” less than tech savvy adult- and I spend my day with teenagers! Working in schools for 27 years, and recalling when our students first got e-mail, I do see many of the positive results of the technology in which our children are engaged. Relocating to a new town is not as traumatic as it used to be, as students are able to connect with friends in a way they never were able to in the past. A child who is a bit shy, who years ago would feel isolated, feels comfortable fostering friendships online. Teens are able to advocate for Israel, stand up for the environment or become upstanders against bullying- feeling powerful and as if they can literally change the world- all thanks to social media. Social media has boosted the self- esteem of numerous students and has helped them find their inner strengths.
But, I must share that I, ironically, see the opposite as well. In our Body Image curriculum I often utilize the excellent curriculum and videos of the Dove Self-Esteem project (yes, created by the makers of Dove soap). In their article “The Impact of Social Media on Body Image” they highlight that in today’s world young people are “living their lives in full view of an online audience.” Selfies, likes, and comments on their posts help them feel accomplished and accepted. But, this has led to teens CONSTANTLY seeking the validation of others. Likewise, comparisons with the photos of others cause teens to be dissatisfied with themselves or what they are accomplishing. When they look at the posts of others it always looks as if “Everyone looks like they’re having the best day ever, all the time...unlike me. Why is their life so much better?” Researchers at Stanford University call these feelings the “duck syndrome”- as ducks always appear to be gliding without effort across the pond, but are frantically paddling below the surface to stay afloat.
Researchers at Facebook themselves noted in March 2020 that
“Thirty-two percent of teen girls said that when they felt bad about their bodies, Instagram made them feel worse. Comparisons on Instagram can change how young women view and describe themselves...Teens blame Instagram for increases in the rate of anxiety and depression. This reaction was unprompted and consistent across all groups. (Boys and girls). Teens blame Instagram for increases in the rate of anxiety and depression. This reaction was unprompted and consistent across all groups.”
It makes sense that all of this begins in the middle school years, as teens start to leave behind the cocoon of family and begin to judge themselves based on the standards of society. Psychologist Erik Erikson calls this stage of life the Identity Versus Confusion phase, when children struggle to understand how their emerging selves might fit into the larger picture. In the “olden days” teens would ask their friends directly to find that identity. Now they have social media.
How can we as parents help? This issue is no different from any other issue our teens are facing- we as parents need to TALK ABOUT IT with them. We need to have conversations with them about “How does it feel when someone likes your post? Do you ever compare yourself to someone else? Do you ever feel worse about yourself after being on social media? Do you really think the other person’s life is as ‘perfect’ as it seems?” When it comes to body image specifically, speak to them directly about the skewed images they often see on social media.
And, if you feel “uneducated” about social media and therefore unable to discuss, do get educated! But, in the meanwhile, as Janell Burley Hoffman, author of iRules says, Let your child be the teacher. Ask questions! They are eager to teach us about their online worlds and while they are teaching we can bring in a larger conversation.
Instagram has also indicated very directly in their research that teens do feel addicted to social media and lack the self- control to limit the amount of time spent on social media. So, another way we can help is to every so often have our family take a Tech Shabbat- and not on Shabbos! Let’s all take a break from technology in general or social media in particular.
I recently came across the words of the Lubavitcher Rebbe from 1966 regarding technology: (He was focusing on the radio!)
Our sages have said: ‘All that G‑d created was created for His honor.’ This also applies to all the scientific discoveries of recent years—their purpose is to add honor to G‑d by using them for holiness, Torah, and mitzvot . . .There is a special advantage in using radio to teach Torah. Even if a person is not sufficiently motivated to go and attend a class, or even if he turned on the radio only to hear something else, the words of Torah reach him.
So too, social media has so many positive uses. Mishlei 18:21 states: מָ֣וֶת וְ֭חַיִּים בְּיַד־לָשׁ֑וֹן Life and death are in the hands of the tongue. Today’s “tongue” is social media- it is the way we communicate and pass on information about ourselves and others. It can be for - חיים -inspiring personal growth- or for מות - it can be harmful to one’s self-esteem.
May we as parents and educators help our children tap into the חיים that social media has to offer.
We do know how much technology adds to our lives. But, we also know how much it can detract. Just like with Teshuva in general, as Project Focus notes on their website: We know it’s not that easy to change tech habits. That’s why we’ve got dozens of small changes that can help create long-lasting habits. That is what change is about- small, progressive change- often called mini-habits, microhabits or micromoments. We need to set small doable goals that are achievable and focus on what needs to change.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Half of our sixth graders had their first Advisory session where they got to learn what Advisory is about, how to have a give and take conversation and got to know each other better.
Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the 7th grade Advisory theme “Prepare Yourself to Change the World.”
Eighth Grade: Students were introduced to the 8th grade Advisory theme “Preparing for Life After Yavneh” and did some ice breaker activities.
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