We at Yavneh Academy recently hosted our Open House for prospective parents where we proudly showcased all that we deem to be dear to us at Yavneh. For those of us who have 8th graders, we have spent much of the past weeks attending open houses where the local high schools were able to showcase their accomplishments as well.
Putting together an open house is quite a lot of work, and is most definitely an event a host school does not want to do more than once a year. But, there are two components of the open house that I believe are necessary and integral for every school’s success and the open house forces us to engage in those two endeavors.
The open house forces us to assess- what are our values? What does our school stand for? What is important to us? What do we want to ensure our children leave these walls knowing and inculcating into their lives?
The open house forces us to evaluate our progress. We uncover areas in which we have improved (which we clearly showcase!). A by-product of that evaluation is our ability to uncover areas in which we still need some improvement. We thereby have the opportunity to rejoice in our achievements, which is so essential for school morale and for continuing that growth. But, we also have time to introspect and think about what we want to improve on so that by next year’s open house we can report that at Yavneh this is an area of pride. On one hand we need to recognize our growth, while on the other hand, humbly working on self-improvement.
Another by-product of the open house is creating an “open house”- stressing that EVERYONE has a place here at Yavneh. We teach so many different types of students and families and welcome all in.
Open house season fits in perfectly with Parshat Vayeira as we know that Avraham had a tent with four doors- open to all. Everyone was invited into Avraham’s home- all types of visitors. And, what type of open house did Avraham showcase? One of chesed.
So, we at our schools showcase our values at our open houses, as did Avraham. And, also brings to us a yearly “self-evaluation” where we consider where we want to improve.
This brought me to thinking. What if we had to have an “open house” at our homes. Not the kind that a real estate agent runs to sell our homes- not that kind of open house- but what if we had to showcase our values, what we are proud of and what our family stands for, just like a school does? What would the Frohlich Family open house look like? What are our values?
For whom is this open house being held? For our own children, of course. We aren’t trying to recruit new people into our family, but we are trying to recruit our children into living our family values.
How? The Center for Parenting Education highlights some techniques on their website:. 1. Moralizing. This is more often used when kids are younger and we very directly tell them what our values are through teaching. Long preachy lectures are not helpful. It is better to do direct teaching in small spurts. “I expect you to tell the truth.” “When I go out of my way to study with you each day, I expect you to say thank you.” It is important not to overdo moralizing, as as children get older they will tune out if we go on and on. But, moralizing is still important.
2. Modeling- the parent acts with that value in front of the child. When you leave a supermarket and you realize that there is an item you neglected to pay for and you turn around to go back in to pay and you say to your child “It would be stealing if I took it without paying” you are thereby modeling a value. Children are influenced by the values they see their parents acting upon.
I do believe it is key to discuss the value after you have modeled it so they get the point.
And, of course, if we tell them to live by a certain value, but we ourselves do not act that way, “do as I say not as I do” that value will never be inculcated.
3. Teachable moments- this is a third technique that I often stress. Find those opportunities- whether after watching a movie, hearing a story with a peer or even witnessing something firsthand to clarify why that is or is not our values, and what our values are. “Why do you think what that person did was wrong or right?” “What would you have done?” When we see our children behaving in a way that represents a value, then label it. “I see you were willing to share your time on the computer with your brother and you were generous.”
By telling our children what we value, modeling it, finding those teachable moments to discuss we relay our values. But, of course, just like Yavneh did in our open house, first you have to identify what your values are and what you want to relay to your children- along with your spouse.
For those who have been reading my column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes, “It was taught in the School of R. Ishmael: That day was their feast-day, and they had all gone to their idolatrous temple; but she had pretended to be ill because she thought, I shall not have an opportunity like to-day for Joseph to associate with me. And she caught him by his garment, saying etc. At that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in strength.”
Clearly Yoseph's father was far away in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course, like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages. That is why, when faced with a challenge to his morality, he heard that voice in his head.
So, some of you might have been reading this article and saying to yourself that when we have our frequent “talks” with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!” And, yet when they are faced with challenges, whether peer pressure to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk behavior, or even the temptation to skip their homework, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically see our images before them reminding them of what they should do. At the end of the day, if we do a good job at relaying our values, they will remember them and act upon them.
As we are all planning our family open houses- considering what values we want to relay and what our family stands for, we cannot forget that during the planning stages of this open house we also have to do just what we at Yavneh do each year- in what areas has our family improved? In what areas do we still need to grow? Good luck planning your open house…and don’t forget the swag!
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students discussed appropriate behavior and manners as students in a classroom.
Seventh Grade: Students debriefed their Frost Valley trip and considered what they gained. They also had the opportunity to practice their listening skills
Eighth Grade: Students discussed the importance of “goodness.”
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