Human Beings Or Human Doings?

 

Phew! For those of us who just came off a wonderful Yom season, we took a moment to take a breath after all that cooking, preparing and sukkah building (and taking down!)  And, yet, we didn’t breathe for too long as the next day we went back to school, and errands, and homework, and meetings and carpools,  and the constant work of our busy lives.  

I recently read a question to psychologist Dr. Sarah Chana Radcliffe which I think says it all, “I’m a mother and I feel guilty a lot.  I know that these years with my children are precious…, but right now I’m constantly in a state of doing rather than just being.  I’m wondering if you would be able to give me some guidance and tips on how to become a more present wife and mother and how not to feel guilty when I don’t have the patience or time to just be with my children (preferring instead to take care of things on my to-do list). “

Dr. Radcliffe  responds that this is a problem that many of us have. We are “human doings”  instead of “human beings.”  We can never stop doing.  She quotes from a book called The Joy of Doing Nothing by Rachel Jonat.  Doing nothing does not mean not accomplishing or doing activities. It is a mindset where you have the “freedom to just be present for a while without striving or accomplishing.”  You can just sit with your child and put aside all the to-do lists and enjoy the moment.  Dr. Radcliffe calls this adding “still-time” to your life. 

And, this does not mean dropping everything off your to-do list.  It means bringing yourself fully into the moments you are with your family.  Look at them. Talk to them. Really listen.  When you focus your full attention to your children, you will enjoy them more.  As my children get older and are slowly leaving home for Israel and college I appreciate this wisdom even more.

These words truly struck home as we launched our Living Connected technology campaign with the shuls and schools.  In today's world of personal devices it is so much harder to fully focus on the moments with family.  In fact, when we hosted over 200 7th grade girls from local yeshivot for our Living Connected program, Rabbi Knapp introduced the program with a conversation he had with Officer Sal. He shared that Officer Sal once shared with him that one of his favorite times is getting together with family on Thanksgiving. However, to his chagrin, nowadays everyone seems to be on his/her phone the whole meal. We are so lucky, commented Rabbi Knapp, that we have Shabbos and Yom Tov where family must put aside the phones and truly engage with one another.  And, he also quoted one of the guards at a local shul who noted how amazing it was that all these teenagers were entering the Synagogue without any devices.  He wishes that his teens had a bit of freedom from technology. 

There is a flyer that is hanging in all the shuls and schools, which was also in The Jewish Link  which challenges members of the community to pick one action listed in order to live more connected to others this year. The first option is “I will create a 30-minute device-free time each evening to give my family my undivided attention.” 

We are so focused on worrying about the unlimited technology time of our children. (which is a serious problem!) that we ignore the toll that our screen time is taking on our relationship with them. Erika Chritakis in her article “The Dangers of Distracted Parenting” writes,  When it comes to children’s development, parents should worry less about kids’ screen time—and more about their own.  More and more there are “tuned-out” parents.  The engagement between parents and children is increasingly low quality. And, parents are less “emotionally attuned.”  While the children are spending more time on screens, the adults are suffering by what Linda Stone calls, “continuous partial attention “ which Stone says is the antithesis of the parental- interaction style which is best called “responsive communication.”   

A research study observed 55 caregivers eating with their children in fast-food restaurants.  40 of the adults were absorbed in their phones with some almost entirely ignoring their children. The children then, of course, engaged in attention-seeking behaviors. 

And, it is not only the children who are suffering, notes Chritakis, Of course, adults are also suffering from the current arrangement. Many have built their daily life around the miserable premise that they can always be on—always working, always parenting, always available to their spouse and their own parents and anyone else who might need them, while also staying on top of the news, while also remembering, on the walk to the car, to order more toilet paper from Amazon. They are stuck in the digital equivalent of the spin cycle.

Phew! That’s exactly how I feel. Do you feel it too?  

So, it does not matter what you do with your child. But, when you are with him/her, put down the phone. Be entirely present. 

In Shemot 24:12 Hashem says to Moshe, 

עֲלֵ֥ה אֵלַ֛י הָהָ֖רָה וֶֽהְיֵה־שָׁ֑ם

Come up to Me to the mountain and be there

Why the added words “and be there”? Of course he will be there? The Kotzker rebbe notes that it reminds all of us that in whatever we are engaged in we need הְיֵה־שָׁ֑ם - to be fully present and there. To truly be there.

    

                The term יישוב הדעת means peace of mind. Notice the word יישוב sitting.  One needs to be able to just sit and be without any distractions to achieve that peace of mind and tranquility. 

So, there is a two-pronged benefit to becoming human beings instead of human doings. We feel a bit more relaxed without multi-tasking at all times. We also can then live truly connected to our children. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students began a unit on manners and appropriate behavior by focusing on some common “rude” behaviors we all engage in.

Seventh Grade:  As part of their Teambuilding and Communication unit students focused on Active listening skills

Eighth Grade: Students learned some real-life interview skills.