Our 7th graders are excited about their visit to Frost Valley this week. When we speak to 8th graders they often share that Frost Valley is a highlight of their Yavneh experience. But, in order to make the most of this experience we prepare them for teambuilding and communication skills in Advisory the weeks before. We want them to leave this fun-filled three-day experience with real skills for life.
One such skill we focus on is that of “active listening.” Students learn the steps to active listening:
Look at the other person.
Focus all your attention towards what the person is saying.
Indicate you are listening by saying things like “uh huh,” “really?” or “yes” in the right places.
Don't interrupt, correct mistakes, give advice or tell your own story.
Give the person time to speak. When there's silence for a moment, don't immediately fill the space.
Repeat/ restate what you have heard ex. “So, your problem is that I never clean my room?”
Validate what they said- letting them know you get what they are saying. ex. “That must have been really awful.”
And, of course, the students get the chance to practice this skill in Advisory with other students in class.
I often wish that we as parents could have an Advisory class to work on parenting skills. And, if we were to have a “Parenting Advisory” class it would involve the skill of Active Listening. I myself wrote these lessons on Active Listening and still find myself not utilizing it effectively with my own children.
For example, when your child says, “No, I don’t want to shut the TV and do my homework!” instead of responding “You need to do your homework or you’ll fail and the TV is a distraction!” you would first say “You seem upset you need to stop watching TV and do your homework. You were having so much fun.” (Okay, maybe in a less hokey manner). The most essential part of parent-child communication is that our children first feel understood.
The first step is listening with focus. In today’s world with the constant distraction of our phones and technology we really need to work on that focus. We need to demonstrate that we are interested in our body language- are we leaning closer to them or are we checking the clock? Lean forward with your head inclined. Nod your head often. We also have to listen mindfully - only focusing on the here and now and not judging what they are saying based on what they have done in the past.
I find not giving advice the hardest part of active listening as I may actually have good advice. If my child wants advice, I need to wait until he/she asks for it at the end. Parenting comes after the listening.
The research actually supports the importance of active listening. In the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology a research study called “Parental Listening When Adolescents Self- Disclose : A Pre-Registered Experimental Study” wanted to assess how good listening would impact the parent- teen relationship. It is important to note that all conversations involved teens disclosing topics that would be a source of conflict between the parents and teens. (Vaping etc.) They found that the over 1000 teens in the study indicated that good listening:
A Increased their feelings of autonomy
B. Increased a sense of connectedness to parents
C. Enhanced their sense of wellbeing
D. Led to a higher rate of self-disclosure in subsequent conversations
As you can see, while all of these results are important and desired, I bolded the fourth outcome, as our goal as parents to get our teens to tell us things that are on their minds!!! And, we want them to tell us things that they did wrong or worries they have, in addition to positives that they know we will love to hear.
When it comes to at-risk behavior, the best way to prevent our teens from engaging in this behavior is to make it clear that we will ALWAYS listen without judgment and we are ALWAYS here for them. The better we are at doing that, the more they will self-disclose, even when they are worried they or their friends might get in trouble.
In this past week’s parasha, Hashem, Avinu Malkeinu, as a parent modelled for us this strategy of Active Listening. In Bereishit 3:9, He says to Adam:
וַיִּקְרָ֛א ה אֱלֹקים אֶל־הָֽאָדָ֑ם וַיֹּ֥אמֶר ל֖וֹ אַיֶּֽכָּה:
And the Lord God called to man, and He said to him, "Where are you?"
Did Hashem not know where Adam was?! Of course He did! He could have very easily called out to Adam, “ Adam! You are in big trouble!! Why did you eat from the tree?”
And, later in pasuk 13 he turns to Chava and says: מַה־זֹּ֣את עָשִׂ֑ית What is this that you have done?" Again, Hashem clearly knew!
But, as their parent, He non-judgmentally asked questions, waiting for their explanations, giving them time to speak and self-disclose.
Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks in his article “The Spirituality of Listening” wrote:
One fascinating modern example came from a Jew who, for much of his life, was estranged from Judaism, namely Sigmund Freud. He called psychoanalysis the “speaking cure,” but it is better described as the “listening cure.”8 It is based on the fact that active listening is in itself therapeutic. It was only after the spread of psychoanalysis, especially in America, that the phrase “I hear you” came into the English language as a way of communicating empathy.9
There is something profoundly spiritual about listening. It is the most effective form of conflict resolution I know. Many things can create conflict, but what sustains it is the feeling on the part of at least one of the parties that they have not been heard. They have not been listened to. We have not “heard their pain.” There has been a failure of empathy. That is why the use of force – or for that matter, boycotts – to resolve conflict is so profoundly self-defeating. It may suppress it for a while, but it will return, often more intense than before. Job, who has suffered unjustly, is unmoved by the arguments of his comforters. It is not that he insists on being right: what he wants is to be heard. Not by accident does justice presuppose the rule of audi alteram partem, “Hear the other side.”
Rabbi Sacks continues that just like we say “Shema Yisrael” we listen to Hashem- our relationship with Hashem is an “ongoing tutorial” to our relationship with others.
I am lucky that I get to engage in our Advisory curriculum and every so often remind myself to apply it to my parenting and my family life. Always feel free to reach out to your children to hear what they are learning about in Advisory! Maybe, we, the adults, can learn a thing or two from them.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students concretized their goals for their sixth grade year.
Seventh Grade: Students focused on the skills of effective communication with I versus You messages and assertive communication.
Eighth Grade; Students were introduced to the high school application process and what to look for in a school.
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