Achieving Happiness Through Chanukah and Chinuch

  Recently I reread one of my favorite books, as my daughter was reading it and I decided to reread it with her. Happier written by Dr. Tal Ben Shahar (which I have quoted in my column before), is Ben Shahar’s perspective stemming from scientific research on how to achieve happiness.  His entire book is based on a thesis that happiness is:

In order to achieve happiness one’s actions must hold present  benefit- pleasure and future benefit- meaning.  Happiness= present benefit + future benefit. 

Ben Shahar spends most of the book discussing how we can bring ourselves to happiness in our lives. At one point, he focuses on education.  When it comes to education, says Ben Shahar, it is essential that we not only teach the  Three Rs, but also the fourth “R”- revelry.  “Teachers need to  create the conditions in school that will allow students to revel in learning, in growing, in life itself…Rather than helping students find meaningful and challenging goals and activities, rather than helping students experience the joy of learning, many educators are more concerned with getting students to score well on exams.”  I am proud to say that at Yavneh our teachers are hopefully focused on that joy. 

Ben Shahar then quotes psychologist Csikszentmihalyi who regrets that we as adults often make “serious tasks seem dull and hard, and frivolous ones exciting and easy.”   We need to figure out how to help our students feel joy in all aspects of learning, and not just the “frivolous” ones. 

But, that joy of learning and finding present benefit in learning is not something that is relegated to the schools alone.  We as parents are educators as well. 

Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch notes that the word Chanukah- dedication (commemorating the rededication of the Beit HaMikdash by the Maccabees),  has the same root as the word Chinuch- education- ח.נ.כ. Rabbi Elias Schwartz writes in his book “Veshinantam” quoting the Gerrer rebbe, that when we dedicate a new building or a new home, we are so excited about the fresh start and the new beginning. There is nothing more invigorating than that first day!  

The same needs to be said about Chinuch- education, and by that I specifically mean their Jewish education.  When we educate our children  we need to make sure to show that “first day” excitement.  In every Jewish practice we model for them we need o to incorporate  that excitement as if it was new!   We need to focus on all the meanings of  ח.נ.כ for ourselves as well when educating our kids.  Chinuch is also rededicating the old- renewal.  And, as parents we need to incorporate the excitement of something new into every day when it comes to educating our children about Judaism.  We need make Shabbos exciting, davening exciting and as if it is the first day. When our children see that we have chanukah (a new dedication)  in our chinuch, that is when they internalize what they learn.  

Some years ago, we hosted a Positive Jewish Parenting conference for the community at Yavneh Academy.  Rabbi J.J. Schachter delivered the keynote address on the topic of “The Romance We Pass On To Our Children.”  

Children of all ages must feel romance- a romance that only their parents can show them. Not the romance of love, (which is not particularly applicable for a young child), but rather romance for Judaism, as he quoted from Rabbi J.B. Soloveitchik. Rav Soloveitchik discussed how his father passed on halachic Judaism to him, but his mother passed on the “soul”- the experience- of Judaism. For Judaism is not just halachot and exegesis, but it is a romance. One must become wrapped up with Judaism, as one would with a romantic partner. It is the parent’s job to make sure that happens.

How does one ensure that the Judaism we relay is full of soul? Rabbi Shachter gave one poignant example, based on a footnote of the Rav. The Rav stated how many American Jews are “Shomrei Shabbat,” but very few are “Shomrei Erev Shabbat.” How many of us on Fridays are rushing around preparing for Shabbat and kvetching the whole way how hard it is to get ready for Shabbat? What picture do our children get about Shabbos- that it is a burden. Where is the excitement, “Shabbat is coming!”- the way a real Shomer Erev Shabbat should act. That is why Rabbi Schachter explained that he no longer wishes people “Have a good Shabbat” on Friday. Rather he wishes them to have “Good Erev Shabbat.” And the same goes with shul- the way we schlepp ourselves there clearly does not transmit an excitement for shul and davening. We can model that romance for davening to our children. 

If we do so, our children will find excitement and present benefit (pleasure) in their Shemirat HaMitzvot along with the future benefit  (meaning).  They will thereby achieve through our chinuch that happiness that Dr. Ben Shahar describes. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on appropriate behavior at bar/bat mitzvahs.

Seventh Grade: As part of their unit on empathy, students videoed a performance for the Hackensack Homeless shelter and also focused on the power of kiddush Hashem. 

Eighth Grade:  Students continued with their parent- child relationship unit.

TikTok or Tick Tock?

  This past summer I was in Monsey shopping. I was standing on line and noticed two children, one I’d say about 6 and one about 3. The 3 year old was kvetchy and getting upset and impatient. The six year old girl turned to him to try to distract him. She said to him “Do you want to hear a TikTok?” I was shocked! First, I was even surprised that this little girl had a phone, never mind TikTok social media!  How could that be?  And, then I see her take her wrist, which was wearing an analog watch (with hands!), and she put it next to the little boy’s ear, and even I could hear the “tick tock” (with a “ck”)  sound coming from the watch.  The boy listened and was soothed.  

This was a true story, and the moment it happened the first thing I said to myself,  “This is going to be for a column!”  The next thing I thought about is how sad it is that most of the children in our lives would never be soothed by listening to the “tick tock” of a watch. In fact, how many of us hand our phones over to our “kvetchy” children to watch videos when we see them losing it while waiting in line?   I remember the good old days when I would sit in the doctor’s waiting room with my children and I would read to them, or we would play a game.  Now, all the children are sitting there on a device-usually their parent’s.  You have heard it all before…children are unable to self-soothe without a device. And, we, the adults, do not even attempt to soothe them without devices. This little girl’s innocent “tick tock” made me feel sad about where we are today. 

This story also made me think about the TikTok that our teens are engaged in today.  One might ask what prompted me to write about TikTok this week when our students have been using it for years?  Recently, we had two bullying situations on TikTok which truly saddened me, and it served as the impetus for me to think about how parents need a reminder about the dangers of TikTok. 

From Common Sense Media: 

Parents need to know that TikTok is a social network for sharing user-generated videos, many of which feature music and sound effects. The app involves a lot of songs, and you can expect swearing and sexual content in some. Though videos viewed during the review process contained only some tight/revealing clothing, depending on which accounts users follow and what content they like, it's possible to encounter sexually suggestive and explicit material.

Here are some of their ratings on the app that truly concern me:

Our teens are exposed to much inappropriate content- through no fault of their own, when using TikTok.  Now, you might say that there is a curated version of the app for under 13. Experts recommend not to use it as the Institute for Family Studies notes that  TikTok offers  a curated version of their app for under-13s. Don’t use it. That watered-down version is designed to fuel interest in the grown-up version. Twelve-year-olds don’t like to be on the kiddie version of anything. And tweens quickly figure out that if they lie about their age, they can easily access the full version. 

I know I may be sharing with you information you might already know, but aside from the inappropriate content there are also the physically dangerous, criminal or even deadly challenges that are rampant on TikTok- like putting metal in a socket causing fires, or the skull breaker challenge causing real harm. And, there are challenges that involve sexually inappropriate behaviors. 

Of the more than a billion users, TikTok is most popular among teens under the age of 16. And, it is addictive like all social media and teens are spending on average 102 minutes per day on TikTok (more than Youtube). 

  And, yes, you might say,  our children are using TikTok positively too- to just enjoy a dance with their friends, to learn new Miami Boys Choir songs (for those who are unaware a 2007 performance of theirs got 8 million views by Jews and non- Jews), and even to learn new things or stand up for what is right by educating others.  

As with anything our children are doing on their devices, we need to be vigilant and monitor their device usage. If you are unsure how to do that effectively, please do contact our technology department who are willing and able to hold your hand to help you learn to do so. (Click HERE FOR A LINK  to a handout Mr. Jason David, our Director of Technology, shared with me about TikTok).    And, of course, discuss the dangers with your children and watch for signs that your child is spending too much time on TikTok and social media in general.

Before I end I want to get back to the discussion of the other Tick Tock.  While most of our students no longer know how to tell time on an analog clock and ask to use only digital, I still maintain the importance of teaching children to tell time on an old-fashioned clock. Primarily, it is easier to visualize time on an analog clock. What does twenty minutes to 2:00 mean?  It helps them understand the passage of time better. 

This week in our Homeroom Organizational Skills classes with our sixth graders we discussed the “time bandit” who often steals our time. “The Time Bandit gets into the parts of your brain that keep track of time. It confuses you, so you lose track of how much time you have left before you need to do something or how much time has passed while you’re working. These tricks often get you into trouble; you might end up being late to school and have trouble fitting in the work you have to do each evening.” One item that stands in their way is their inability to predict how long something will take them to do.  Their sense of time is off. We will be working on that in class, but believe it or not, an understanding of time does come along with that analog clock usage. 

(Interesting to note,  the students unanimously agreed something that “steals” their time is their technology usage. Before they know it, they are on TikTok or Youtube for hours). 

It says in Avot 2:15, 

רַבִּי טַרְפוֹן אוֹמֵר, הַיּוֹם קָצָר וְהַמְּלָאכָה מְרֻבָּה,

Rabbi Tarfon said: the day is short, and the work is plentiful

When students have no sense of time, the day is always too short and the work is always too plentiful.  When they have a better sense of time, their day is long enough and the work is manageable. 

As middle school parents we need to try to help our children manage both the TikToks  and the tick tocks in their lives.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students had the chance to “switch places” with their teachers and understand the teachers’ perspectives. 

Seventh Grade:  Students learned the skills of empathy

Eighth Grade: Students began a unit on the parent- child relationship.