Recently I reread one of my favorite books, as my daughter was reading it and I decided to reread it with her. Happier written by Dr. Tal Ben Shahar (which I have quoted in my column before), is Ben Shahar’s perspective stemming from scientific research on how to achieve happiness. His entire book is based on a thesis that happiness is:
In order to achieve happiness one’s actions must hold present benefit- pleasure and future benefit- meaning. Happiness= present benefit + future benefit.
Ben Shahar spends most of the book discussing how we can bring ourselves to happiness in our lives. At one point, he focuses on education. When it comes to education, says Ben Shahar, it is essential that we not only teach the Three Rs, but also the fourth “R”- revelry. “Teachers need to create the conditions in school that will allow students to revel in learning, in growing, in life itself…Rather than helping students find meaningful and challenging goals and activities, rather than helping students experience the joy of learning, many educators are more concerned with getting students to score well on exams.” I am proud to say that at Yavneh our teachers are hopefully focused on that joy.
Ben Shahar then quotes psychologist Csikszentmihalyi who regrets that we as adults often make “serious tasks seem dull and hard, and frivolous ones exciting and easy.” We need to figure out how to help our students feel joy in all aspects of learning, and not just the “frivolous” ones.
But, that joy of learning and finding present benefit in learning is not something that is relegated to the schools alone. We as parents are educators as well.
Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch notes that the word Chanukah- dedication (commemorating the rededication of the Beit HaMikdash by the Maccabees), has the same root as the word Chinuch- education- ח.נ.כ. Rabbi Elias Schwartz writes in his book “Veshinantam” quoting the Gerrer rebbe, that when we dedicate a new building or a new home, we are so excited about the fresh start and the new beginning. There is nothing more invigorating than that first day!
The same needs to be said about Chinuch- education, and by that I specifically mean their Jewish education. When we educate our children we need to make sure to show that “first day” excitement. In every Jewish practice we model for them we need o to incorporate that excitement as if it was new! We need to focus on all the meanings of ח.נ.כ for ourselves as well when educating our kids. Chinuch is also rededicating the old- renewal. And, as parents we need to incorporate the excitement of something new into every day when it comes to educating our children about Judaism. We need make Shabbos exciting, davening exciting and as if it is the first day. When our children see that we have chanukah (a new dedication) in our chinuch, that is when they internalize what they learn.
Some years ago, we hosted a Positive Jewish Parenting conference for the community at Yavneh Academy. Rabbi J.J. Schachter delivered the keynote address on the topic of “The Romance We Pass On To Our Children.”
Children of all ages must feel romance- a romance that only their parents can show them. Not the romance of love, (which is not particularly applicable for a young child), but rather romance for Judaism, as he quoted from Rabbi J.B. Soloveitchik. Rav Soloveitchik discussed how his father passed on halachic Judaism to him, but his mother passed on the “soul”- the experience- of Judaism. For Judaism is not just halachot and exegesis, but it is a romance. One must become wrapped up with Judaism, as one would with a romantic partner. It is the parent’s job to make sure that happens.
How does one ensure that the Judaism we relay is full of soul? Rabbi Shachter gave one poignant example, based on a footnote of the Rav. The Rav stated how many American Jews are “Shomrei Shabbat,” but very few are “Shomrei Erev Shabbat.” How many of us on Fridays are rushing around preparing for Shabbat and kvetching the whole way how hard it is to get ready for Shabbat? What picture do our children get about Shabbos- that it is a burden. Where is the excitement, “Shabbat is coming!”- the way a real Shomer Erev Shabbat should act. That is why Rabbi Schachter explained that he no longer wishes people “Have a good Shabbat” on Friday. Rather he wishes them to have “Good Erev Shabbat.” And the same goes with shul- the way we schlepp ourselves there clearly does not transmit an excitement for shul and davening. We can model that romance for davening to our children.
If we do so, our children will find excitement and present benefit (pleasure) in their Shemirat HaMitzvot along with the future benefit (meaning). They will thereby achieve through our chinuch that happiness that Dr. Ben Shahar describes.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students focused on appropriate behavior at bar/bat mitzvahs.
Seventh Grade: As part of their unit on empathy, students videoed a performance for the Hackensack Homeless shelter and also focused on the power of kiddush Hashem.
Eighth Grade: Students continued with their parent- child relationship unit.
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