Raising a Respectful Generation- Lag Baomer and Beyond

  As we celebrate Lag Baomer the days of mourning over the death of Rabbi Akiva’s students have come to a close. I try to remind our students at Yavneh of the reason for the death of his talmidim, as it says in Yevamot 62b: מפני שלא נהגו כבוד זה לזה- They did not treat each other with respect.  I would imagine that these students of Rabbi Akiva treated him with respect- after all, he was their teacher!  But, their issue was that they did not treat their contemporaries, those they were in “class” with every day, with respect. These days of sefirat haomer, and every day of the year, we should be focusing on how we treat our peers, I remind our students.

This message hit home even more for me this year as when the war broke out in October a number of our faculty joined together to learn the Chofetz Chaim- A Daily Companion- learning each day some laws related to Lashon Hara in the merit of our brothers and sisters in Israel.  On May 8th, we completed that learning. Many of those days, as I read the lesson of the day, I would often consider, “What the Chafetz Chaim is describing is literally happening with our tweens/middle school students!”   And, what he was writing is not unique to our students, but is found in middle schools across the world.  One specific issue which he highlighted, called rechilut- gossipmongering, when someone (let’s call him Jackie) goes over to a friend and thinks he is doing his friend (let’s call him Chuck) a favor by telling him, “Just so you know, Josh is saying mean things about you!”  If I had a dollar for everytime a middle schooler does that!  In essence, not only hasn’t Jackie helped Chuck at all, but he has created chaos. Trust me- he did not do Chuck a favor. I know from many first hand experiences. The Chofetz Chaim clearly says, “...the verse that prohibits rechilut: לֹא־תֵלֵ֤ךְ רָכִיל֙ בְּעַמֶּ֔יךָ-You shall not go as a peddler of gossip among your people (Vayikra 19:16). The Chofetz Chaim emphasizes the gravity of this sin:”It was destroyed many souls among the Jewish people.” he explains that in the Torah, this commandment is immediately followed by “You shall not stand aside while your fellow’s blood is shed.’ Words of gossip, which cause ill will and hatred among Jews, have the power to destroy and defame families, friends and communities…This is a person who goes from one person to the next saying, ‘Did you hear what Reuven said about you?” The Chafetz Chaim must have been familiar with middle schoolers! 

A second reason why this message hit home for me this year is that we are in the process of learning Pirkei Avot on Shabbatot after Pesach.  One common theme found throughout Masechet Avot  is the importance of treating others with respect. 4:1:  אֵיזֶהוּ מְכֻבָּד, הַמְכַבֵּד אֶת הַבְּרִיּוֹת,  Who is he that is honored? He who honors his fellow human beings .  4:12 וּכְבוֹד חֲבֵרְךָ כְּמוֹרָא רַבְּךָ …and the honor of your friend/colleague as the reverence for your teacher … I could go on and on with examples.  As I was reading this week’s perek I was thinking how important it is for our children to learn the messages found throughout Pirkei Avot about the Torah’s focus on how we treat each other. (A nice, bonding parent- child project?)

Another reason why this issue hit home even more for me this year was due to my attending the two day Jewish Schools & Technology Summit organized by the Tikvah Foundation and the Jewish Parents Forum,  that I referenced in an earlier column, stressing the impact of technology and particularly smartphones and social media on our children. Since then I have also read Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation- How The Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.  And, I was privileged to attend the parent workshop last week for parents ECD-3 “Raising Children in the Age of Screens” by Dr. Yoni Schwab, who also spoke at Tikvah. Among the many important points he noted that on-line usage magnifies social conflicts and bullying. No wonder social anxiety is “through the roof.”   (And, I look forward to greeting you all at our workshop for middle school parents to hear from Zach Rausch, Jonathan Haidt’s chief researcher, whom I heard at Tivkah and is definitely worthwhile! His topic will be, as you know, “The Challenge of Technology: Collective Action To Restore A Healthy Childhood.” ) All these experiences, have stressed the impact device use has on our children, but in my mind they highlight how the “gossipmongering/rechilut” that has existed for centuries in teens, has now transferred to their devices- and has intensified the terrible impact.  Additionally, as we know, children more easily say negative/nasty things to their friends online that they would never say in person.

Clearly, the use of devices, can lead to their not treating each other with כבוד זה לזה. The danger of replicating the mistake of Rabbi Akiva’s students is a reality.  In an article in Time Magazine for Kids- Is Technology Making Us Rude?  A student himself notes the change: Technology is making many people rude. Some people use it to spread misleading information. People may also post rude comments about others or make fun of people online, because they feel like they are able to do so with fewer consequences.

And, we know this is a reality. A 2022 Pew research study focuses on cyberbullying and teens. They define cyberbullying as:

• Offensive name-calling

• Spreading of false rumors about them

• Receiving explicit images they didn’t ask for

• Physical threats

• Constantly being asked where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re with by someone other than a parent

• Having explicit images of them shared without their consent

The results of their study was that nearly 50% of U.S. teens have been bullied or harassed online, the most common being name-calling and spreading false rumors. No wonder they are the “anxious generation!” (And, I imagine that number has gone up since then). 

And, our students here at Yavneh know that this is true.  Our seventh and eighth graders who are spearheading our Student Technology Awareness Committee have launched a new initiative. Focusing on the fact that we are in the time of sefirah, they thought it was a perfect time to launch our “Be Kind Online” Campaign when we all focus on thinking before we post and not posting hurtful things,  and trying to actively post things that will make others feel good. The students created  a video that stresses some of these ideas. They also gave out stickers to put on their family and personal devices  reminding them “Be sweet and not sour online” along with “sweet” treats with the same message on them. 

As parents, we work really hard on stressing with our children the need to treat all with כבוד - respect. But, not all of us are doing a good enough job making sure they are respectful on-line to each other.  I know based on conversations with many of you, there are some of you who are limiting your child’s technology use and checking your child’s device every night, but we are not all doing this.  Our children are not all mature enough to contain their impulses and think before they write on-line. And, I know that many parents limit their children’s use to whatsapp, texting and email. But, there is much harm done on those as well!  Checking our children’s phones nightly provides an opportunity to find the mishaps that are sometimes mean and use that as a teachable moment to make clear to our child what was wrong about his/her behavior and the consequences. 

I am in the trenches daily and I am telling you emphatically that so many of our children are suffering.  We need to do something different! If only the Talmidim of Rabbi Akiva were able to understand the harm they were doing. If only they did something different.  

I look forward to seeing you  all this coming Tuesday night to hear Zach Rausch and join with the parents of your children’s friends to learn more about the impact of technology use on our children. Let us join together to find a solution. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on how to manage their first experience with finals with some techniques to get ready and feel relaxed. 

Seventh Grade: Students focused on the power of positive thinking and the choice to see the good. 

Eighth Grade: Students learned the dangers of technology addiction.

Happy Mother's Day- In Tribute This Week to Mothers and the State of Israel

       Happy Mother’s Day to all. Although, as we said in my house growing up, “Every day is mother’s day,” today is a day we focus on all that our mothers do for us. And, for those of us who are mothers, it is our opportunity to focus on all the nachat and the life-long impact we have as mothers.

 However, as we celebrate Mother’s Day this year, and Yom HaZikaron is a few hours away, I cannot help but think about the mothers in Eretz Yisrael as they send their children away to battle.  As I send my children off to their years in Israel and to college, my close friends in Israel are sending their children off to war.  And, as I call my friends to check in on them, while it is difficult, their strength is incredible. And, while there is no official Mother’s Day in Israel, especially this year, every day should be one. 

Lieutenant General Aviv Kochavi, Chief of Staff of the IDF,  spoke at last year’s official Yom HaZikaron ceremony at the Kotel. He called his speech “Three Mothers.”  He shared that the story of the journey of the Jewish people to its land is a miracle. But, it is also the story of individuals and particularly “three mothers.” 

The first mother, Rachel Imeinu, did not even have the chance to live in the land of Israel, dying shortly after arriving in the land. When her children generations later went out to exile, as it says in Yirmiyahu 31:14,  קוֹל בְּרָמָה נִשְׁמָע נְהִי בְּכִי תַמְרוּרִים רָחֵל מְבַכָּה עַל בָּנֶיהָ, “A voice on high a bitter and mournful cry, Rachel, crying for her children.”  Hashem responds to her in consolation with a promise, “מִנְעִי קוֹלֵךְ מִבֶּכִי וְעֵינַיִךְ מִדִּמְעָה… וְשָׁבוּ בָנִים לִגְבוּלָם”“Stop your voice from crying, and your eyes from tears… for your sons will return to their land.” 

Kochavi continues that for much of Jewish history a majority of us lived outside our Land and we have returned.  “We are the banim sheshavu ligvulam, the sons of Rachel who have returned to their land. We have returned, to remain here forever.“ It was because of that promise to the first mother Rachel, and her love for the Land and her children that we returned. 

“But the journey home has come with an unbearable price, which brings us to the second mother.” Kochavi then tells the story of Nechama who is from Ukraine who came with her husband, Yosef, a Holocaust survivor, to Israel.  They raised their children in Israel and two of their sons, Effi and Dedi, were both sent to fight in the Yom Kippur war.  He shared how both sons were killed in battle. 

 “Two mothers, Rachel and Nechama, cried over the fate of their children. One of the mothers, Rachel, was unable to live in the land, but is told her sons will return to live in it. The other mother, Nechama, lived in the land, but for that right paid the unbearable price of her two sons. I would not dare to say to Nechama מִנְעִי קוֹלֵךְ מִבֶּכִי וְעֵינַיִךְ מִדִּמְעָה, “stop your voice from crying, and your eyes from tears.” But I will rely on the words of the Prophet when I say יֵשׁ שָׂכָר לִפְעֻלָּתֵךְ, “there is reward for your actions.” There is a reward, and it is the third mother who benefits from that reward.”

And, then there is the third mother. He does not know her name, but she represents  “countless mothers who fill this land. These mothers have built families, and they and their children have built Medinat Yisrael. They are religious and secular mothers, from cities and villages, who have children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and who are able to live securely in their land because of the sacrifices of the first two mothers.” 

So, on Yom HaZikaron we salute all the bereaved families and particularly the mothers. They are to be honored as examples of “strength and resolve and serve as an ongoing testament to the power of our nation when we work together for that which matters most.”  And, I add, as I watch all the mothers sending their children away, I salute all those who are raising their children with loyalty and courage for Am Yisrael. 

What is their secret?  As Shira Atik wrote in her article “As A Lone Soldier’s Mother, I Choose The Road of Faith”  She articulates what we know all the mothers are feeling: “If I had known this war would break out, would I have tried to talk her into taking a safer, non-combat job? Or delaying her enlistment by a year? I wish I could say that I pondered this question, but honestly, there was nothing to ponder. The answer is yes, of course. I would have begged her to choose a different unit, would have played every card in my hand – including the guilt card – to convince her to change her mind. Having a child in a combat unit during wartime is every mother’s nightmare. Knowing that your child is carrying a gun is disturbing enough in peacetime, but knowing that your child may have to use that gun to save her own life is chilling.”

After many sleepless nights, she relays, and conversations with mothers of other lone soldiers she says, “I’ve realized that when we look to the future, two roads stretch out before us. We can go down the road of fear, of worst-case scenarios, of haunting images that freeze us in our tracks, or we can go down the road of faith – in our children, in Israel, and in God…The Torah teaches us to choose life: “U’vacharta ba-chayim… I am choosing the road of hope, and I’m trying my hardest – for myself, my husband, my children, and all the Jewish soldiers on the frontlines – not to veer off-course. I am digging deep inside myself and finding courage I never knew I had. I am choosing life.”

When I read these words I automatically thought of the Advisory unit that I referenced last week in my column on Yom HaShoah. “When Life Gives You Lemons- how to cope with adversity in life.”  We discussed the importance of choice- to choose to have hope. And, more importantly, to choose to have emunah- faith in G-d.  In the same unit I added an additional piece this year.  

When we talk about resilience I share with the students that since October 7th we at Yavneh, and even in our last Advisory unit Do Not Stand Idly By ( including being upstanders and standing up for Israel), have been feeling all that is going on in Israel and even advocating for Israel. It is constantly on our minds. One can imagine what it is like for those who live in Israel, who are either displaced, have lost relatives or have relatives in battle.  One would think that they would literally fall apart. 

As we approach Yom Haatzmaut, I noted, yes, it has been hard, but interestingly enough a research study that is done each year was just released called the “World Happiness Report”- which shares which countries in the world are considered the happiest.  And,  Israel was rated the FIFTH HAPPIEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!   Note, that the United States is #23.  How can it be that despite the war and the hard times they are so happy?

To explain the answer to that question. I show them a video of Rachel Fraenkel, another mother, whose son was kidnapped and killed in 2014. It is an inspirational video of her speaking about her reaction to her son’s death. As we learned in Advisory, one can be “bitter” or “better” and she chose to be “better.” “Those days were filled with the darkest hours, but also the most amazing hours. We discovered our family, our friends, our community, our country, our people.” She described the campaigns and initiatives for her son in countries all over the world.  She continued to share an allegory- it is like walking in the dark and suddenly seeing lightning that lights your way. “We had days and days of lightning…it was said, ‘We went out searching for the boys and we discovered ourselves.”   

So, how can Israel be the 5th happiest country during a war?  Herb Keinon writes in his article, Are Israelis really as happy as the world reports? , quoting Zakai Or, that the following seem to keep Israelis happy despite all the suffering: (as the research indicates)

1. Connecting to meaning “And in Israel, there are many opportunities to connect to something that is greater than yourself. There is a lot of ideology around here. We are here for a reason.”

2. Religion (emunah) “...is also a factor in life satisfaction. He said that Israel’s Central Bureau of Statistics’ studies consistently show that the more people are religious, the more they say they are happy. ‘This is rock solid and has been going on for many, many years,’ he said.

3. A sense of being a part of a community, of not being alone, of having someone to lean on, and of being connected to family and friends. This sense of community is found in one’s own family, and also is due to the fact that the army becomes a family. 

And, all in all, she summarizes, “Israel’s abundant challenges, she added, do not necessarily diminish happiness, but instead could enhance it. When you have no challenges, then something inside you doesn’t grow,’ she said. ‘Here we are challenged all the time, and we have succeeded. We grow, and this is also a part of being happy.’”

It is interesting that Yom Haatzmaut follows the day after Yom HaZikaron. One would think the sadness of the memorial day would impede the happiness of independence day. Why were they put back to back?  And, in fact, while Yom Haatzmaut will be a bit muted this year in Israel due to the war, there will still be celebrations. This is a testament to what the Jewish people and the people of Israel are all about. Despite the hardships, with resilience they celebrate as they are “better” and not “bitter.” 

Today we celebrate the mothers here in the United States- for their constant love and hard work.  And, even more so the mothers of the Land of Israel-(including mothers of lone soldiers abroad)- for their dedication, their sacrifice and their loyalty to the people of Israel. We commemorate Yom HaZikaron tonight and tomorrow,  when we remember those who have fallen, and the mothers of those who have fallen. And, the next day, we celebrate Yom Haatzmaut, celebrating how we have succeeded. We have grown and that is part of being happy. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on social exclusion and bullying and discussed the L.E.A.D.E.R.S. strategies of ensuring that all feel safe and included.

Seventh Grade: Students focused on resilience and the key to “bouncing back.”

Eighth Grade: In connection to Yom HaShoah, students discussed the movie The Wave regarding peer pressure and mob psychology.

The CHOICE To Go On- Mental Health Lessons from Yom HaShoah

  As we approach Yom HaShoah, especially this year, I consider the impact that this day has on our children. My grandparents, a”h, were Holocaust survivors. Despite the fact that they may not have spoken about their experiences at length, I grew up with a deep understanding of the tragedy and the courage and emunah it took to rebuild and start anew.  While there are still some survivors who can share their stories, programs like the Holocaust play, Yavneh Connects and the virtual reality our students engage in hopefully keep their stories alive. 

I recently came across a song called From the Ashes written by Abie Rotenberg in Journeys V that made an impact on me.  Here is a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vPovvTHYoM.  Unlike other songs about the Holocaust, it does not describe the Holocaust itself, but rather the life after the war.  The lyrics describe how despite their suffering they “rose from the ashes” and rebuilt their lives.  Actually not only rebuilding their lives, but “bursting with life.” 

The chorus: 

They rose from the ashes – and relit their matches,
To kindle a fire that somehow grew stronger.
They suffered in silence – yet lived in defiance,
Never forgetting their mothers and fathers.

How did they lift themselves from the dust,
And build this world they created for us?
With all that was theirs – vanished and gone,
Where did they find – the will to go on.

I wonder, how did they find the will to go on? Not just them, but my great uncles, and aunts.  And, when I would visit my grandparents in their bungalow colony, full of their friends with their Hungarian accents, I would look at them in awe, “Where did they find the will to go on?”  And, as the song says later on “And, build this world they created for us.” 

And, since October 7th, I often ask myself that question regarding the survivors of Nova, the freed captives, the family members of those in captivity, or those who have lost soldiers “Where will they find the will to go on?” 

I consider a lesson that our 7th graders will be doing in Advisory in the coming week. They began a unit we call “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity in Life.” Students are in the process of learning skills needed to face and cope with difficulties- whether a poor grade on a test, a fight with a friend or , G-d forbid, an illness or tragedy.  We focus on resilience and the ability to bounce back, as the survivors did, after difficulty.  

In this unit, we speak about lessons students can glean from two Holocaust survivors. The first is Dr. Viktor Frankl.  Dr. Frankl  was an Austrian Holocaust survivor of Auschwitz, and a  psychiatrist famous for his theory of logotherapy- a belief that the search for meaning in a person’s life is one’s source of strength.  I share a quote of his with the students: 

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread...they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances…When we are no longer able to change a situation- just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer- we are challenged to change ourselves.”   Or as they see in their handout:

We teach the students that this is called “reframing.” As I have explained in the past,  reframing is a technique used to help create a different way of looking at a situation, person, or relationship by changing its meaning. Also referred to as cognitive reframing, it's a strategy used to help people  look at situations from a slightly different perspective.  The essential idea behind reframing is that a person's point-of-view depends on the frame it is viewed in. When the frame is shifted, the meaning changes and thinking and behavior often change along with it.

Another way to understand the concept of reframing is to imagine looking through the frame of a camera lens. The picture seen through the lens can be changed to a view that is closer or further away. By slightly changing what is seen in the camera, the picture is both viewed and experienced differently.  But, we have the choice and can choose the frame with which we view the world and our life circumstances.  (For those who have been reading my column for some time, you know that this is where we do the pink glasses versus dark glasses activity with the students).

Some years ago, I attended a Tisha B’av shiur by Rabbi Moshe Tzvi Weinberg and he quoted the book called The Choice by Dr. Edith Eva Eger. I took it out of the library the next day.  Dr. Eger, a psychologist who is also a Holocaust survivor (and, with her Hungarian accent, brings back so many memories of my grandmother), told her life story as she too was sent to Auschwitz. She shares how she was able to free herself from the trauma of her experiences through making THE CHOICE to heal.

Since that summer I have incorporated Dr. Eger’s lessons into our Advisory class along with Dr. Frankl’s. She shares in an interview, “The mind is so strong… the biggest prison is in our own mind and the key is in our pocket… finding hope in hopelessness…the choice to know that you have other options, to be able … to look at the same thing but from a different perspective.” And, as Dr. Eger shared with an army unit returning from Afghanistan, as quoted in her book,  “I can’t heal you- or anyone- but I can celebrate your choice to dismantle the prison in your mind, brick by brick. You can’t change what happened, you can’t change what you did or what was done to you. But you can choose how you live now. My precious, you can choose to be free.” All the survivors that Dr. Eger met that were able to move on and restart their lives all had one thing in common, “We had no control over the most consuming facts of our lives, but we had the power to determine how we experienced life after trauma… We can choose to be our own jailers or we can choose to be free.” 

Dr. Eger called her form of therapy “Choice Therapy.” As she writes, “as freedom is about CHOICE- about choosing compassion, humor, optimism, intuition, curiosity, and self- expression.” 

My grandfather, a”h, died on Tisha B’Av. In looking back at his eulogy that we co-wrote as his grandchildren from our family, it says in Yirmiyahu 9:21:

וְנָֽפְלָה֙ נִבְלַ֣ת הָֽאָדָ֔ם כְּדֹ֖מֶן עַל־פְּנֵ֣י הַשָּׂדֶ֑ה וּכְעָמִ֛יר מֵאַֽחֲרֵ֥י הַקּוֹצֵ֖ר וְאֵ֥ין מְאַסֵּֽף

 Indeed, the carcasses of men shall fall like dung on the open field, and like sheaves after the reaper, with none to gather them!

What a horrific description of the Churban. These words perfectly depict the Holocaust as well. 

But, a few pesukim later it states: 

 הַשְׂכֵּל֘ וְיָדֹ֣עַ אוֹתִי֒ כִּי אֲנִ֣י ה' עֹ֥שֶׂה חֶ֛סֶד מִשְׁפָּ֥ט וּצְדָקָ֖ה בָּאָ֑רֶץ כִּֽי־בְאֵ֥לֶּה חָפַ֖צְתִּי נְאֻם־ה':

…that he understands and knows me, for I am the Lord Who practices kindness, justice and righteousness on the earth; for in these things I delight, says the Lord

How does one resolve these two pieces of Yirmiyahu- seeing destruction and yet believing that Hashem is kind and just? This is true emunah- as our grandfather and grandmother chose to live each day. Our Zeidi put tefillin on daily in the labor camp.  When thinking about our Zeidi,  we think of his smiling face, with his fist in the air saying, “Be strong.”  While he would often say those words as an encouragement, those words remind me of the words that Moshe said to Yehoshua in Devarim 31:7 חֲזַ֖ק וֶֽאֱמָ֑ץ- Be strong and have courage.  The Kli Yakar there explains that Moshe was telling Yehoshua to be strong because there are those in Bnei Yisrael who were not strong in their faith in G-d.  Therefore, Yehoshua needed to be strong in Emunah. ע"כ צריך אתה לעשות לעיניהם דברי חיזוק ואימוץ באמונה “Therefore you need to act before their eyes words of strength and have courage in faith.” 

When my grandfather said, “Be strong” he was communicating to us the mantra of his life. Telling us that with Hashem’s help, just like him, we can face and overcome challenges, rise to the occasion, and succeed even in the darkest of hours. 

The choice he made was to believe that G-d has a plan that is always best for us, even if it is painful. Dr. Daniel Feldman, in his article “Why Religion is Good For Us”  adds how religion  is a helpful tool for reframing. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” 

And, so, in our Advisory unit, we discuss how belief in Hashem is one way to see the world with “rose-colored glasses,” and to make a choice to see the positive future in our lives. I do believe that only with that emunah could my grandparents build the life they did for their daughters, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great grandchildren today.  

As Abie Rotenberg ends his song, seemingly in unconnected manner: 

We stood by a mountain as our nation was founded,
Faith etched in our hearts by a voice from on high.
It was witnessed by millions –
forever instilled in our narrative –
to last for all time.

And this torch was passed from father to son,
And through the ages has always lived on.
In the face of despair – confusion and doubt,
The flame that defines us – has never gone out.

 It is that bond with G-d that we solidified at Har Sinai that keeps us as individuals and as a Jewish people going, despite difficulty.  And, as our family in Israel is facing daily adversity and loss, they too hold on to that emunah and make the choice to see the positive just around the bend and to rebuild. As the song that is often on the videos we see, sung by soldiers in Israel, states (written by Yishai Lapidot and Yaakov Shwekey)

 עם ישראל

לא לפחד

השם אלקיך הולך איתך

Nation of Israel, do not be afraid. Hashem your G-d walks with you.