As we celebrate Lag Baomer the days of mourning over the death of Rabbi Akiva’s students have come to a close. I try to remind our students at Yavneh of the reason for the death of his talmidim, as it says in Yevamot 62b: מפני שלא נהגו כבוד זה לזה- They did not treat each other with respect. I would imagine that these students of Rabbi Akiva treated him with respect- after all, he was their teacher! But, their issue was that they did not treat their contemporaries, those they were in “class” with every day, with respect. These days of sefirat haomer, and every day of the year, we should be focusing on how we treat our peers, I remind our students.
This message hit home even more for me this year as when the war broke out in October a number of our faculty joined together to learn the Chofetz Chaim- A Daily Companion- learning each day some laws related to Lashon Hara in the merit of our brothers and sisters in Israel. On May 8th, we completed that learning. Many of those days, as I read the lesson of the day, I would often consider, “What the Chafetz Chaim is describing is literally happening with our tweens/middle school students!” And, what he was writing is not unique to our students, but is found in middle schools across the world. One specific issue which he highlighted, called rechilut- gossipmongering, when someone (let’s call him Jackie) goes over to a friend and thinks he is doing his friend (let’s call him Chuck) a favor by telling him, “Just so you know, Josh is saying mean things about you!” If I had a dollar for everytime a middle schooler does that! In essence, not only hasn’t Jackie helped Chuck at all, but he has created chaos. Trust me- he did not do Chuck a favor. I know from many first hand experiences. The Chofetz Chaim clearly says, “...the verse that prohibits rechilut: לֹא־תֵלֵ֤ךְ רָכִיל֙ בְּעַמֶּ֔יךָ-You shall not go as a peddler of gossip among your people (Vayikra 19:16). The Chofetz Chaim emphasizes the gravity of this sin:”It was destroyed many souls among the Jewish people.” he explains that in the Torah, this commandment is immediately followed by “You shall not stand aside while your fellow’s blood is shed.’ Words of gossip, which cause ill will and hatred among Jews, have the power to destroy and defame families, friends and communities…This is a person who goes from one person to the next saying, ‘Did you hear what Reuven said about you?” The Chafetz Chaim must have been familiar with middle schoolers!
A second reason why this message hit home for me this year is that we are in the process of learning Pirkei Avot on Shabbatot after Pesach. One common theme found throughout Masechet Avot is the importance of treating others with respect. 4:1: אֵיזֶהוּ מְכֻבָּד, הַמְכַבֵּד אֶת הַבְּרִיּוֹת, Who is he that is honored? He who honors his fellow human beings . 4:12 וּכְבוֹד חֲבֵרְךָ כְּמוֹרָא רַבְּךָ …and the honor of your friend/colleague as the reverence for your teacher … I could go on and on with examples. As I was reading this week’s perek I was thinking how important it is for our children to learn the messages found throughout Pirkei Avot about the Torah’s focus on how we treat each other. (A nice, bonding parent- child project?)
Another reason why this issue hit home even more for me this year was due to my attending the two day Jewish Schools & Technology Summit organized by the Tikvah Foundation and the Jewish Parents Forum, that I referenced in an earlier column, stressing the impact of technology and particularly smartphones and social media on our children. Since then I have also read Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation- How The Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. And, I was privileged to attend the parent workshop last week for parents ECD-3 “Raising Children in the Age of Screens” by Dr. Yoni Schwab, who also spoke at Tikvah. Among the many important points he noted that on-line usage magnifies social conflicts and bullying. No wonder social anxiety is “through the roof.” (And, I look forward to greeting you all at our workshop for middle school parents to hear from Zach Rausch, Jonathan Haidt’s chief researcher, whom I heard at Tivkah and is definitely worthwhile! His topic will be, as you know, “The Challenge of Technology: Collective Action To Restore A Healthy Childhood.” ) All these experiences, have stressed the impact device use has on our children, but in my mind they highlight how the “gossipmongering/rechilut” that has existed for centuries in teens, has now transferred to their devices- and has intensified the terrible impact. Additionally, as we know, children more easily say negative/nasty things to their friends online that they would never say in person.
Clearly, the use of devices, can lead to their not treating each other with כבוד זה לזה. The danger of replicating the mistake of Rabbi Akiva’s students is a reality. In an article in Time Magazine for Kids- Is Technology Making Us Rude? A student himself notes the change: Technology is making many people rude. Some people use it to spread misleading information. People may also post rude comments about others or make fun of people online, because they feel like they are able to do so with fewer consequences.
And, we know this is a reality. A 2022 Pew research study focuses on cyberbullying and teens. They define cyberbullying as:
Offensive name-calling
Spreading of false rumors about them
Receiving explicit images they didn’t ask for
Physical threats
Constantly being asked where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re with by someone other than a parent
Having explicit images of them shared without their consent
The results of their study was that nearly 50% of U.S. teens have been bullied or harassed online, the most common being name-calling and spreading false rumors. No wonder they are the “anxious generation!” (And, I imagine that number has gone up since then).
And, our students here at Yavneh know that this is true. Our seventh and eighth graders who are spearheading our Student Technology Awareness Committee have launched a new initiative. Focusing on the fact that we are in the time of sefirah, they thought it was a perfect time to launch our “Be Kind Online” Campaign when we all focus on thinking before we post and not posting hurtful things, and trying to actively post things that will make others feel good. The students created a video that stresses some of these ideas. They also gave out stickers to put on their family and personal devices reminding them “Be sweet and not sour online” along with “sweet” treats with the same message on them.
As parents, we work really hard on stressing with our children the need to treat all with כבוד - respect. But, not all of us are doing a good enough job making sure they are respectful on-line to each other. I know based on conversations with many of you, there are some of you who are limiting your child’s technology use and checking your child’s device every night, but we are not all doing this. Our children are not all mature enough to contain their impulses and think before they write on-line. And, I know that many parents limit their children’s use to whatsapp, texting and email. But, there is much harm done on those as well! Checking our children’s phones nightly provides an opportunity to find the mishaps that are sometimes mean and use that as a teachable moment to make clear to our child what was wrong about his/her behavior and the consequences.
I am in the trenches daily and I am telling you emphatically that so many of our children are suffering. We need to do something different! If only the Talmidim of Rabbi Akiva were able to understand the harm they were doing. If only they did something different.
I look forward to seeing you all this coming Tuesday night to hear Zach Rausch and join with the parents of your children’s friends to learn more about the impact of technology use on our children. Let us join together to find a solution.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students focused on how to manage their first experience with finals with some techniques to get ready and feel relaxed.
Seventh Grade: Students focused on the power of positive thinking and the choice to see the good.
Eighth Grade: Students learned the dangers of technology addiction.
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