In the thirty years I have worked with teens I can tell you that gossip is truly THE issue that tears apart friendships, hurts self-esteem and makes children feel as if they have no friends or do not want to come to school. And, in those years it has gotten worse and worse. And, each day I wake up in the morning with the gratitude that at least we are Jewish and we can teach our students about not speaking lashon hara- it is ingrained in them. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if they did not at least have that sensitivity.
We all know the impact of spreading rumors and gossip (even when it is true!). And, it is not acceptable to say it’s a normal part of teenage life. Sherri Gordon, in her article “Understanding The Impact of Spreading Rumors and Gossip” reminds us that “gossip and rumors can destroy a person’s self-confidence and self-esteem. It also can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, anxiety, and a host of other issues.” It can alienate friends, ruin reputations, and lead to relational aggression. Studies have shown that those who gossip have less empathy. And, of course, gossiping leads to cyberbullying.
Gordon discusses: Why do children spread gossip?
To feel better about themselves. When they target others it makes them feel better about themselves.
To feel accepted- If everyone is doing it they want to feel a part of things.
To get attention- The person who shares a piece of information that others don’t know becomes the center of attention.
To gain power- When someone is envious of another, spreading rumors about that person lowers their status and raises the gossiper’s.
To take revenge- To hurt someone who has hurt him, a child will gossip about him.
To relieve boredom- Life is boring without drama!
I came across an article about rumors written by some teenagers in Leesville Road High School. I couldn’t have said it better myself: “A study conducted by Word Effect found that gossip and rumors can have detrimental effects on individuals. “48% of people who hear gossip about someone form a new, negative opinion about that person,” even if that received information is not true…Rumors manipulate people into taking sides, casting improper views on others and bringing negative energy to future situations. Relationships can be ruined before they begin.”
And, let’s not forget with the advent of social media it is now never ending, and anonymous! As Kay Snowden points out in her article “Group Chats and Gossip Loops:What Parents Don’t Know About Teen Friend Drama,” before children had devices, “friend conflict had natural pauses: you’d go home, eat dinner, sleep and go hours without talking.” Now it is all immediate and at warp speed. Digital communication “amplifies peer experiences” - for good and for bad, according to the CDC.
And, online misunderstandings are common. Something meant as a joke is taken as an insult. Someone posts something private to one friend, and then it is spread among the group. “Because everything is documented, replayed, forwarded and interpreted by multiple people at once, the ‘story’ grows bigger than the original issue.” And, because everything happens on-line, the parents don’t notice it until the teen is terribly upset. The pain teens feel online “their brains process it similarly to physical pain.”
Aharon Hersh Fried and Chaim E. Fried, in their article, “The Impact of Technology on the Religious Personality” speak about how as Jews we all know about not speaking or spreading lashon hara. But somehow with technology we accept lashon hara as appropriate. Even in the time of the Chofetz Chaim he noted that there were anonymous posters defaming individuals. The anonymous quality of technology makes it worse today.
What is the best way to stop gossip? To not spread it yourself. It is our job as the adults in their lives to remind our children over and over. Of course, first by modeling and showing them that we don’t gossip and talk about others. Remind them that, as Hillel said in Shabbat 31a אָמַר לוֹ: דַּעֲלָךְ סְנֵי לְחַבְרָךְ לָא תַּעֲבֵיד — זוֹ הִיא כׇּל הַתּוֹרָה כּוּלָּהּ-Hillel… said to him: That which is hateful to you do not do to another; that is the entire Torah” - Treat others the way you would want to be treated. If you don’t want to be gossiped about, then don’t gossip about others.
Let us work at removing gossip from our dinner table routine. Let them see us avoid using the names of people when we tell stories. And, let us raise them to be part of the solution. If someone tries to gossip with them about another, they can break the cycle and tell the friend to stop, and most definitely not pass it on. And, if he/she is targeted, rise above and do not continue the cycle. Trust me- it is for their own benefit. There is so much suffering that they can avoid by avoiding gossip.
In the past few weeks we have been reading of the story of Yoseph and his brothers In Bereishit 37:2, at the start of the story, it says: וַיָּבֵ֥א יוֹסֵ֛ף אֶת־דִּבָּתָ֥ם רָעָ֖ה אֶל־אֲבִיהֶֽם׃- “And Joseph brought bad reports of them to their father.” In some ways lashon hara, gossip, was at the root of the terrible tragedy that would face this family in the years to come. Gossip is NEVER good. It is up to us, the adults, to help our children end the gossip.
Advisory Update: (Due to early dismissals and days off, very few Advisory classes met last week).
Sixth Grade: Students are still working on their proper manners unit.
Seventh Grade: Students wrapped up their Empathy unit with discussing what they would do in real life in certain situations.
Eighth Grade- Students discussed what they can do to stand up to anti-Semitism today.
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