“Mirror, mirror on the wall…” are words famously familiar from the fairy tale of Snow White. However, a mirror is also an allusion to an essential parenting insight that I came across in my Shabbat reading.
I read an article over Shabbat from TLC Talks, based on a podcast called The Learning Curve which discusses different educational and parenting issues. The question submitted was, “How can I help my daughter have a stronger sense of self-esteem? She struggles academically, and she doesn’t seem to have any special talents. We love her dearly, but she sees herself so negatively- and in her eyes, the ‘facts’ back her up.”
Rabbi Ari Schonfeld responds, “Not everyone will be an A-plus student. Not everyone will be the leader in the school play or the one picked to be head of GO…It is our job as the adults in their lives to get them to appreciate themselves and what they have to offer the world. Every child, every person, has to believe that he matters." And, so he continues that more important than how she sees herself is, “When she looks at you, what does she see? Does she see a father and a mother who adore her and think the world of her?”
He then went on to quote something from last week’s parasha, said by Rabbi Elya Svei. When Yoseph was tempted by the wife of Potiphar, Rashi quotes a Gemara in Sotah 36b. (There are so many layers regarding parenting from this Gemara that I have quoted before in this column),
״וַתִּתְפְּשֵׂהוּ בְּבִגְדוֹ לֵאמֹר וְגוֹ׳״, בְּאוֹתָהּ שָׁעָה בָּאתָה דְּיוֹקְנוֹ שֶׁל אָבִיו וְנִרְאֲתָה לוֹ בַּחַלּוֹן
The verse states: “And she caught him by his garment, saying… (Genesis 39:12). At that moment his father’s image came and appeared to him in the window.
We normally interpret this as Yoseph seeing the image of his father gave him the strength to resist temptation- as if his father was speaking to him. Rav Elya says that in the mishna the word חלון often means a mirror and the Gemara can be read differently. Yoseph HaTzaddik looked in the mirror and he didn’t see his father. He saw דְּיוֹקְנוֹ,שֶׁל אָבִיו (note the comma he puts in, in red). He saw דְּיוֹקְנוֹ- himself (his own image), but not the way he perceived himself. “It was שֶׁל אָבִיו- he saw himself the way his father Yaakov viewed him. He was able to see the high esteem in which Yaakov saw his son. It was a whole new vista into Yosef’s own self-worth that he never felt or appreciated. And, that allowed him to remain Yosef HaTzaddik.”
And, so the question is when your child comes home from school and perhaps didn’t succeed the way he/she would have wanted, and she looks at you, i.e. sees herself in your mirror, what does she see?
As Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield adds similarly in his response to this question of the parent, “... a parent serves as the mirror through which a child sees who she is and what her greatness is. A child cannot identify that greatness on her own, she simply lacks the perspective. And if parents do not actively, see, articulate, and celebrate a child’s strengths, the child will naturally assume those strengths do not exist.”
Especially for children who struggle in school it is imperative that we as parents help them discover and celebrate their other strengths. “As the narrow measure of school does not define her worth.” A parent needs to reflect a child’s strengths back to her over and over until the child begins to believe it.
I came across a short video by ”Dr. Becky” Kennedy that says it all: “We can’t expect our child to change if we, the parents, are reinforcing the very behaviors we are trying to help a child move away from. So ask yourself, ‘When my child is in a difficult stage, do I reflect back to them the part of them that is engaging in those behaviors? Or do I reflect back a different version? Here’s an example: Your child is in a stage where they’re having a really hard time sharing with their siblings. Do you go in and say, ‘Hey, your sister and brother always share with you! What is wrong with you? You can be so selfish!” Or, ‘You have as much generosity in you as anyone else in the family, I want you to know that.’ We are our child’s mirror, we have to reflect back to them the good inside them, so they can bring that good out.”
There are so many ways in which our children “mirror” us as their parents. Dr. Lisa Firestone, in her article “Your Child’s Self-esteem Start With You” notes how our children are extremely “attuned” to us. And, “Every reaction we express (consciously and unconsciously) is absorbed by them, helping them shape their view of the world and themselves.” She then continues to discuss a theory by her father, Dr. Robert Firestone called the “Self-system.” This self-system is the unique make-up of each individual, some of which is inherent and some is “informed by a harmonious identification with and incorporation of a parent’s positive attitudes and traits.” So, if parents feel good about themselves, they are more likely able to pass this positive sense of self over to their children to have as well. And, the opposite is true as well.
When parents feel negatively towards themselves, they can pass that on to their children leading to negative self- esteem. As an example, she notes that you might never call your child “stupid,” but if he is constantly hearing you call yourself “stupid,” we need not wonder from where they got that idea. And thus what she calls the “Anti-self system” or the “critical inner voice” develops. The critical inner voice is like an “internalized parent” that “reminds them of their flaws…instructing them about how to perceive the world.”
This concept of parents being the mirror for their children reminds me of the famous poem by Dr. Dorothy Law Nolte, “Children Learn What They Live”
Dr. Eli Leibowitz, in the article “The Parent As A Mirror- Our Reactions And Childhood Anxiety” by Dr. Aliza Pressman, notes that parents are like a mirror when it comes particularly to anxiety,
“Parents are a mirror that children look into, and they see who they are. All of your reactions to them are the reflection that they are seeing. That is who they know that they are. If your child believes that you see them as a helpless, weak, vulnerable child who can't handle stress, who falls apart, who can't deal with difficulty - that is what they start to believe about themselves. But, if they see that you see a child who actually has strength, who has resilience, who can cope with things, that also will affect how they feel about themselves.”
Our reactions to a child’s anxiety can affect his/her ability to cope. If as parents we react with alarm, helplessness or that she cannot cope, the child will internalize those messages. As Dr. Pressman notes that ironically:
If we respond like there is an emergency, we signal that there actually is one. When we treat our children like they lack the skills they need by taking over, fixing, or accommodating, they may come to believe that they are indeed weak, vulnerable, and unable to manage stress. Research shows that this can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading to increased anxiety and avoidance. The very nature we use to protect can turn against us! Even as we do more and more to bend backwards and support our kids, we find ourselves facing down more and more anxiety.
Rather, as Dr. Leibowitz adds, we should communicate with our children that we get what they are going through, and that they can handle the feeling and get through it. As parents we need to relay a “mix of validation, sensitivity, empathy and a confidence in their ability to cope…This positive reflection fosters a sense of self-efficacy empowering the child to face their anxiety with greater courage.” If we relay the message that their anxiety is an illness or a disease that they have to fear– that it’s a crisis and we will do anything we can to calm them, it may make the anxiety worse and express to them that it is not okay to be anxious. We need to make an effort to reflect back images of strength, resilience and capability, so that our children have the confidence to face life’s challenges. And, the more we try to solve their problems for them, the less capable they believe they are.
Dr. Pressman shares the following steps:
Make the feelings ok, instead of making the situation ok. -Normalize their emotions instead of making it an emergency
Offer support without taking over. Remind them that they are not alone, and that you are there to support them. “I will be right here while you do it,” or “I will be here to talk about it tonight and hear what happened.”
Express confidence in their abilities. The mirror concept, “projecting confidence allows your child to “borrow” some of your faith in them to build their own. You may need to pretend to have confidence (especially if you’re anxious too), but that is OK. “I know you can do this,” or “You’ve done hard things before and you always get through it,” can be a great place to start. Reminding your children about times when they have successfully overcome challenges can help them be willing to take risks again”
Model healthy coping mechanisms.”Show them how you manage your own stress and anxiety, and project that same confidence in their abilities. Model that living with and overcoming anxiety is possible, takes practice, and builds resilience.”
As parents, let us spend our days being the mirror to our children of strength and ability, and hopefully, even when they are far away from us, as Yoseph was from his father, they will take with them that strength and confidence.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students began discussing “student etiquette”- student- appropriate behaviors for success in school.
Seventh Grade: Students debriefed their experience at the homeless shelter and how they can apply the way they treat the homeless to their day to day lives.
Eighth Grade: No Advisory this week due to days off and programming.
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