Being B.R.A.V.E.

     This past week we engaged in an Advisory lesson in the 8th grade we call a “Quality Circle.” A quality circle is based on BRAVE (Bully Reduction/Anti-Violence Education)- part of a bullying prevention program created by Dr. Rona Novick,  for which Yavneh was part of the research study when it was first created. Dr. Novick described how  automotive companies sit and evaluate as a team each car as each one is produced- which they call a “Quality Circle.” So too, we at Yavneh,  as a group, every so often evaluate how we are doing at Yavneh with our product- which is an atmosphere where people are respected.  Are we accomplishing that? Are we creating a good "product”? The crux of the lesson is to have the students discuss how we are treating each other and have we created an atmosphere where all feel respected?  We consider whether there was “bullying” and what do we as bystanders do when witnessing it.  

        The BRAVE curriculum discusses that the goals of this Quality Circle are:
C- CARING-  to build a caring student community
A- ACTION-  to speak about how our actions communicate powerful messages to bullies. 
R- RESPONSIBILITY-  asking “who else was present” demonstrates how we all share responsibility when bullying is happening, and it is up to all of us- adults and students, to create a safe environment. 
E- EMPATHY- we can support a victim even after an incident has occurred. 

Each time we do a Quality Circle I base it on a trigger- something in either current events or in the media that relates to the topic.  This time the beginning of the lesson was a discussion about how a few weeks ago Governor Hochul signed legislation in New York called the Jack Reid Law aimed to protect students attending private schools from bullying, discrimination and harassment at school, online or at a school event outside of school. The law requires that private schools have clear anti-bullying policies, reporting procedures and follow-up procedures. The law was named after Jack Reid, a 17- year old who died by suicide after suffering bullying in the school he attended. 

Some topics the students discussed were:

1. Whether they think the school should be responsible for bullying that happens outside of school. 

2. Which is worse- online bullying or face to face bullying? Why do some resort to online bullying over in-person? 

3. If someone bullies another, how can the bully make it right? Do bullies change? 

In this past Shabbat’s parasha Vayishlach, Yaakov confronted the “bully” Eisav for the first time in many years. How will he deal with Eisav?  Nesanel Safran, in his article “Dealing With Bullies” writes, “To get home, they must first pass through the land of Esau, Jacob’s violent brother. As Jacob well knows, Esau has been plotting to kill him for many years. So Jacob prepares a brilliant three-part plan that teaches us how to deal with bullies like Esau. First, Jacob prays to God to protect him and his family. Second, Jacob sends messengers to Esau with pleasant words and valuable gifts, to let Esau know that he wants peace. Third, in case all else fails, Jacob prepares to fight his brother if he has to.”  We all know that in the end the “bully” Eisav accepts the gifts, even offers to travel with Yaakov,  and peacefully continues on his way. 

And, while Eisav may not literally be a “bully” the techniques that Yaakov used reminded me of a workshop that I attended this year, presented by the Wellness Institute in October, (I encourage you to join their monthly workshops that Yavneh is co-sponsoring!!) , by Izzy Kalman, author of Bullies to Buddies: How To Turn Your Enemies Into Friends. Mr. Kalman presented strategies that I had never considered before. Mr. Kalman, who happens to be religious, has two versions of his book- one for the general public and one written for the Jewish community. In the Jewish community version he writes on the the back: And even better, you will learn to be a winner, all by yourself, by understanding the secret power of ve’ahavta lere’acha kamocha…Everyone will like and respect you more when you learn to use the hidden power of ve’ahavta lere’acha kamocha.

Kalman maintained that he does not want to solve people’s problems for them. He wants to teach “victims” to  solve their problems for themselves. He states (and I quote)  “that “V’ahavta l’reacha kamocha” teaches us what to do to someone when they are mean to us. We should be nice back to them. We should be nice to them even when they are mean to us.”

Really?!  It is very hard to be nice to people when they are mean to us because it is  against our nature. He explained that social creatures are biologically programmed for reciprocity. When someone is mean to you you feel like being mean back. Reciprocity is a good strategy in nature. In nature if you are mean to me I had better be mean to you or you will kill me. But, today we do not live in nature, but our biological program has not changed- we are biologically programmed for reciprocity as if we live in nature. So, I am mean back to you and you are mean to me and back and forth. So, let us change that reaction, proclaims Kalman. Even if you are mean to me, I will be nice to you and eventually you will be nice to me- as you are programmed for reciprocity. 

Mr. Kalman role plays with the “victim” and teaches him/her: When you are insulted, react by agreeing with the bully. Don’t allow the other person to get you angry or upset. So, when he sees he cannot upset you, he will stop. One example he shared was if someone makes fun of your warts. Most people respond by getting upset and responding, “No I don’t have warts!  You’re so mean!” The perpetrator will just continue as it is “fun” for him to make you upset.  But, if you respond, “Yes. I have warts. It’s so hard to have warts. You’re lucky you don’t have warts,” you have taken all the “fun” out of bullying you and he will stop.  Or, another example, if a bully calls someone “Bad at sports” the victim should respond, “I wish I was good at sports like you. What’s your secret?” Treating a bully like a “friend” and agreeing with him is disarming and the bully is left without any ammunition. 

Mr. Kalman asked for volunteers from the audience to practice this technique, by acting like a bully. Kalman (the victim) first responded like the typical upset child, and the bullying continued. But, then Kalman responded by agreeing with the bully, and it took all the wind out of his sails and he stopped.  It really worked. 

Full disclosure- I have not read the research on whether this actually works, but it does make sense. Of course, one must understand the players before making recommendations. But, somehow Mr. Kalman learned from Yaakov Avinu’s second step “Jacob sends messengers to Esau with pleasant words and valuable gifts, to let Esau know that he wants peace.” Fighting against Esav would have made it worse. (And, let’s remember, as Yaakov reminds us, Tefillah helps too!) 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Our sixth graders had a check-in on their adjustment to middle school, by watching real-life scenarios acted out by Yavneh teachers pretending to be students and discussing possible solutions. They also began the “Hey Dude, Don’t Be Rude” unit on manners. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed how we often judge “a book by its cover” and how we judge those around us. We need to work harder on the skills of empathy to imagine what it is like to live the life of the other. 

Eighth Grade: Students finished off a lesson on the “Attitude of Gratitude” leading up to Thanksgiving and participated in a Quality Circle discussed in the column this week.