Last Shabbat I attended a panel presentation of various rabbis who serve our community- in both Israel and the U.S., and in shuls and schools- regarding issues at hand for students today. The audience was full of both parents and educators, and the intention was to cover four basic topics in the hour allotted. However, they only got to one topic that afternoon and that was regarding the rise of materialism among our children and our community. Just to clarify, much of it was positive, but there was discussion about the pressure both we as parents and our children feel in today’s Bergen county Jewish community.
Interestingly enough, as I was leaving the event, I bumped into a parent of a Yavneh alum who is already beyond college. He had attended the panel discussion as well, and asked me, what do I think is the biggest issue facing kids today? I, of course, said, “Technology.” And, noted that even the pressure for materialism stems from technology use. He asked me what I meant and I said that just in the past week two parents reached out to me unhappy with the fact that girls in their children’s grade were posting “hauls.” The alumnus parent said to me “Halls? What does that mean?” And, I explain that it is referring to shopping hauls- with an “a” and “u”- when people post items they just bought for all to see. This parent was actually an avid reader of my column, who in fact, after his children graduated asked me if I could still send my column to him weekly. He said to me in a joking manner, “Let me guess… topic for this coming week’s column?” He was right.
One of the parents who reached out to me with concern, asked if this could be a topic we can address with the students in Advisory. As I explain each year at the sixth grade orientation night, Advisory is flexible and I welcome input from parents, teachers and students regarding issues they feel need to be targeted. So, this coming week “hauls” will be addressed with the grade who is posting these hauls- and will remain a lesson each year, as long as it is needed.
Before I begin, I want to reiterate what I have shared many times in this column-that we do not recommend smartphones for middle school students. Period. And, if they have whatsapp on their computer, as parents we need to be checking what they are posting. And, if there is a grade chat- parents need to be checking that as well.
So, why do our teens post these hauls? During adolescence our teens are seeking validation and they are hoping their post will elicit validation through likes, comments and views. And, minimally, on whatsapp, they want lots of heart emojis. They are also seeking a sense of belonging and connection and this is one way to attempt to connect with others. Of course, they are also emulating social media influencers as well who are constantly posting these hauls.
It makes logical sense why these hauls are bad for them. It puts the girls in a state of “perpetual performance.” Instead of enjoying something new they just bought, their enjoyment is tied to the approval of others and causes anxiety if people do not react the way they want them to. It also puts pressure on those who cannot afford to buy the same item to go out and buy those items, possibly even leading to anxiety. And, the posting of these hauls and the need for constant validation of others leads to anxiety as well. There is then constant comparison to others and often girls feel as if they can never be or have enough. This leads to dissatisfaction with their own lives and bodies as they are always comparing themselves to others. It also leads to a focus on materialism and values that we do not want to be a priority.
So, we need to tell our children that the person they are inside and what they do to help the world and others is more important than what they buy. We do not brag and show off about what we have, which can make others feel bad. Humility is the midda we want to inculcate in our children. And, of course, happiness is not achieved by buying more items.
It says in Pirkei Avot 4:1- אֵיזֶהוּ עָשִׁיר, הַשָּׂמֵחַ בְּחֶלְקוֹ Who is rich? He who rejoices in what he has.” It is no coincidence that the word עוֹשֶׁר - wealth, is similar to the word אוֹשֶׁר - happiness/contentment. They are not the same, although they sound the same, i.e. you might think they are the same. This is the lesson for our teens. You do not need to spend your money to be happy. When you rejoice in what you have, seeing the post of another does not make your life less valuable. Be satisfied with what you have, instead of wishing you had what someone else does. Having more does not make you happier. The “hedonic treadmill”- a psychological cycle where buying something new provides a temporary hit of dopamine, might make you temporarily happy, but quickly leaves you wanting more. And, let us encourage our children to practice JOMO- Joy of Missing Out instead of FOMO - Fear Of Missing Out. Let us teach them how to reframe their perspectives to practice being happy with their current "portion.”
And, I know that the worde “צניעות” tends to be seen as the way people dress. But, in essence that is not true. As it says in Micha 6:8:
חהִגִּ֥יד לְךָ֛ אָדָ֖ם מַה־טּ֑וֹב וּמָה־ה' דּוֹרֵ֣שׁ מִמְּךָ֗ כִּ֣י אִם־עֲשׂ֚וֹת מִשְׁפָּט֙ וְאַ֣הֲבַת חֶ֔סֶד וְהַצְנֵ֥עַ לֶ֖כֶת עִם־אֱלֹקיךָ:
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