Elul- Quality Time With Your Teen And... With Hashem

“An Israeli man requested a restraining order against God, saying that he’s fed up with the Almighty interfering in his life.  David Shoshan told a court in Chaifa that God, ‘started to treat me harshly and not nicely’ three years ago, and calls to the police  had not put an end to the harassment.  Judge Ahsan Canaan denied the request for a restraining order, saying Shosha needed the kind of help the court could not provide.  God did not present Himself at the hearing.” (As reported by the Times of Israel, May, 2016).

Yes, I too did laugh when I read such an absurd article, as reported in the Times of Israel.  During this time of year, leading up to the Yamim Noraim, we actually want more of Hashem in our lives, rather than issuing a restraining order. When the Heavenly court judges us at this time, we would not dare ask for any restraining order. We yearn for His presence and a connection to Him.  As we know, אלול stands for “ אני לדודי ודודי לי” “I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me.”  This phrase is from Shir HaShirim 6:3 and describes the loving relationship between Hashem and the Jewish people.  (No restraining order here!)  

The Rambam in Hilchot Teshuva 10:3 describes how imperative this love relationship is with Hashem when it comes to Teshuva:

“What is the proper [degree] of love? That a person should love God with a very great and exceeding love until his soul is bound up in the love of God. Thus, he will always be obsessed with this love as if he is lovesick.

[A lovesick person's] thoughts are never diverted from the love of that woman. He is always obsessed with her; when he sits down, when he gets up, when he eats and drinks. With an even greater [love], the love for God should be [implanted] in the hearts of those who love Him and are obsessed with Him at all times as we are commanded [Deuteronomy 6:5: "Love God...] with all your heart and with all soul."

This concept was implied by Solomon [Song of Songs 2:5] when he stated, as a metaphor: "I am lovesick." [Indeed,] the totality of the Song of Songs is a parable describing [this love].”

Why during Elul is this relationship even stronger? Doesn’t that love exist all year long?  As is says in Yeshayahu 55:6, “דִּרְשׁוּ ה' בְּהִמָּצְאוֹ קְרָאֻהוּ בִּהְיוֹתוֹ קָרוֹב” “Seek the Lord when He is found, call Him when He is near.”   During the month of Elul, He is close by and actively seeking us out.  As it is vividly depicted in Shir HaShirim 4:2, “קוֹל | דּוֹדִי דוֹפֵק פִּתְחִי לִי אֲחֹתִי רַעְיָתִי יוֹנָתִי תַמָּתִי”  “Hark! My beloved is knocking: Open for me, my sister, my beloved, my dove, my perfect one”    The voice of our Beloved- Hashem, is knocking and calling us to Teshuva.  As the Midrash in Shir HaShirim Rabbah 5:3 states, Hashem encourages us,

פתחו לי פתח כפתחו של מחט ואני אפתח לכם פתחים שיהיו עגלות וקרונות עוברים בהם.

“Open for Me an opening in your hearts no wider than the eye of a needle, and I shall open for you an opening wide enough for wagons and carts to drive through”

He is only waiting for us to open the door to Him.  Just a crack open is enough for Him to enter our lives.

Unfortunately, in the Shir HaShirim parable, we do not open the door to our Beloved. How do we respond to our Beloved? (4:3) פָּשַׁטְתִּי אֶת כֻּתָּנְתִּי אֵיכָכָה אֶלְבָּשֶׁנָּה רָחַצְתִּי אֶת רַגְלַי אֵיכָכָה אֲטַנְּפֵם: "I have taken off my tunic; how can I put it on? I have bathed my feet; how can I soil them?"  We were simply too tired to answer the door.  Oh, how we missed out!  

During this time of Elul, G-d is knocking. It is up to us to answer the door. That is what it means that G-d is “closer” during this time period. I once read that if G-d and the Jewish people are like husband and wife, and have this true love, (ala Shir HaShirim), then Elul and the Yamim Noraim are the (l’havdil) “date night.”  A couple needs to take time every once in awhile to rekindle their relationship, and to talk to one another without any interruptions of homework, bedtime or carpools.  That is the purpose of this time of year.  Time to rekindle our relationship with Hashem.

But, we know that the relationship between G-d and the Jewish people is often also compared to that of Father and son.  As we know G-d is called, “Avinu” “Our father” or as we sing in unison "Ki anu banecha v’ata avinu.” “Because we are Your sons and You are our Father.”   Imagine some of the above relationship describe in Shir HaShirim, but this time within a parent- child relationship.

As parents of teens, we can relate to the sometimes rocky relationship between the Jewish people and Hashem. There are most definite times when our teens want a “restraining order” against our prying or nagging in their lives. They are “fed up with our interfering in their lives.”   We knock on their doors,  (which are always closed!), and they don’t always want to open them.  They are too tired- as teens always are!- and can’t be bothered opening the door to us, and letting us into their lives.  And, no matter what we do for them they claim we are “treating them harshly.”  We know that when we have to implement negative consequences it is for their own good.  But, they don’t quite see it that way.  

That is when we need to embark upon our own Elul with our teens.  We need our own “date night” where every once in while we spend some time with them without asking them about homework or why their rooms aren’t clean.  A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family in 2015 suggested that “the only stage at which the quantity of time parents spend with their offspring really matters is during adolescence.” Another study of 1600 adolescents by the University of Toronto asserted, “having parents who are there physically and emotionally for teenagers is a factor associated with better behavior during the hormonally turbulent years.”  Such research has become the impetus for some taking “teen maternity leave,” thereby creating an “Elul” when our children become teens.

Teens are so busy trying to push their parents away, (which is their job at their stage of life), that they find it hard to ask to spend time with us- but they really do want t do so.  They do not want to end their relationship with us. They simply want that relationship to change.  We, therefore, as parents of teens need to make spending time with them a priority. 15 or 20 minutes a day where we give them our undivided attention is wonderful.  Routines such as saying goodnight at the end of the day forge that needed connection. That is usually when you are exhausted, but they are ready to talk.  And, of course, the all important family dinner which has been demonstrated by the research as being a determining factor in raising successful and resilient children, is important for teens as well.  

 This year, we rededicate ourselves to make a connection with HaKadosh Baruch Hu, and answer His call.  But, we also commit to make as many “date nights” as possible and to spend some quality time with our teens, as the parenting expert,  our Father in Heaven,  has modelled for us during the month of Elul.

Advisory Update:

6th Grade: Sixth graders presented to their Advisory group about themselves by created a groupwide Advisory puzzle representing them as a unit.

7th Grade:  Seventh graders focused on the importance of self-reflection and the impact they can make this year.

8th Grade:  Eighth graders began making S.M.A.R.T goals for the year and learned how the power of mindset and grit.  

Best Wishes For A S.M.A.R.T. Year!

It was wonderful to welcome back our students this past week.  Each year as school begins every child has a clean slate and an opportunity to reinvent him/herself.  As teachers, we too have the chance to rework that particular unit that did not quite work out the way we wanted,  or to add a new spin, topic or means of instruction.  We commit to being more understanding with our students, and making our classrooms even better places for our students.  And, as parents, we too can start fresh as we recommit ourselves to not allow that much television/technology use, or on the flip side,  to perhaps not work our children so hard. We try to set up our homes for academic success, and do not want to repeat last year’s mistakes.  That is why I  love the fact that the beginning of school coincides with the month of Elul and the time of year when we are also trying to start anew and regret mistakes of the past. We all pledge to do it S.M.A.R.Ter this year- in our home, school and religious lives.  But, how S.M.A.R.T.  are we?  How do we make sure to achieve our goals and not repeat last year’s mishaps?

The key to actualizing one’s hopes for the coming year is choosing S.M.A.R.T. goals.  I will explain further, but first a bit of background.  This year, as you might know, our entire school will be committed to implementing Dr. Carol Dweck’s research regarding mindset and grit.  As it relates to academics, Dr. Dweck asserts that a student’s mindset- how she perceives her abilities- impacts on her motivation and her academic achievement.  As Dr. Dweck states, “We found that if we changed students’ mindsets, we could boost their achievement. More precisely, students who believed their intelligence could be developed (a growth mindset) outperformed those who believed their intelligence was fixed.  And, when students learned they could ‘grow their brains’ and increase their intellectual abilities, they did better.  Finally, we found that having children focus on the process that leads to learning (like hard work or trying new strategies) could foster a growth mindset and its benefits.”

Children with a fixed mindset think that their intelligence, like physical traits, is fixed. The “amount of intelligence” they are born with is what they will have for life.  We want our children to have a growth mindset where they believe that their abilities can grow and be developed through  effort, hard work and persistence- grit.  Those with a fixed mindset dread failure.  Those with a growth mindset embrace failure as an opportunity to grow.  The key to growing is grit- stick-to-itiveness, persistence. Only if you believe you have to ability to achieve things that are hard for you, you can be “gritty.”

There are many implications for how we educate and raise our children.  One area stressed by Dr. Dweck is how we praise our children.  If we praise them by saying they are so “clever” we are then encouraging them to develop a fixed mindset.  But, if we praise them for their hard work and their persistence even when facing challenges, it helps them gain a growth mindset.

Challenging oneself to grow and persist involves setting goals. And, achieving the goal is not the only thing that is important. The incremental steps are essential.

That is where being S.M.A.R.T.  comes in.  Often we set lofty unrealistic goals and therefore we give up easily.  As we have been  teaching our 8th graders in Advisory each year, (way before mindset and grit become fashionable), when setting goals they need to be...

S. - Specific and Savvy. Easy to understand, not at all vague, specific and  in the realm of possibility. Instead of “Stay in shape,” it would say, “Do 10 pushups a day.”

M.- Measureable and Meaningful. - Be specific about the outcome you expect. The destination should be clear.  There should be target dates and amounts you expect to achieve.

A.- Attainable and Active- Can you attain this goal?  Goals should tell you about an action you must take to get there. Verbs should be in the sentence.

R.- Reachable and Relevant- Although goals should stretch you, they should be within your reach.  It is difficult to stay motivated if our goals seem unreachable.

T.- Timed and Trackable.- Have a clear deadline set. Dates motivate.  

The beginning of the year is an opportunity to sit down with our children and set goals for the year- personal, academic and religious. In Advisory, we ask our students to set SMART goals and then log onto a website called futureme.org.  There they can send an e-mail to themselves which will arrive back to them at the end of the year. We ask them to write their SMART goals in that e-mail.  Then, the day after graduation, the e-mail arrives in their inbox. Did they achieve their goals? Did they persist despite challenge to achieve? Can they be proud of their efforts?

(This goal- setting activity is a meaningful one to do with your bar/bat mitzvah celebrant too!).

Futureme.org is a great resource for us adults as well.  Let us take some time today, at the start of the new school year and during Elul, to set goals for ourselves as well.  Will you be S.M.A.R.T. this year?

ADVISORY UPDATE:

Sixth Grade- Students experienced their first Advisory program- Jumpstart Orientation Day.  They will have their first formal Advisory classes this coming Tuesday and Wednesday.

Seventh Grade- Some of our 7th graders have begun Advisory, and have learned that the theme of the 7th grade Advisory is “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.”  They have discussed that teenagers really do have the power to make a difference in the world around them.  

Eighth Grade- Some of our 8th graders have had their first Advisory session. They have watched a video prepared by one of our graduates, Noah Schultz,  of real life interviews of Yavneh graduates.  Interviewees discussed issues like how to choose a high school? What is 8th grade like?  What are the highlights of 8th grade? What do you wish you would have taken advantage of while you were at Yavneh? What are the interviews like? Applications? What kind of extra-curriculars? These questions whet the appetite of our 8th graders, and give them a taste of the theme of the first half of 8th grade Advisory “Applying To And Choosing A High School.”

A Slow Parenting Summer

“You know the Beginning of School Enthusiasm? When the pencils are fresh and the notebooks are new and the kids’ backpacks don’t look like they lined the den of a pack of filthy hyenas? Moms, remember how you packed innovative and nutritional lunches and laid clothes out the night before and labeled shelves for each child’s work and school correspondence and completed homework in a timely manner?

I am exactly still like that at the end of school, except the opposite.”

        These are the words of Jen Hatmaker in her article “Worst End of School Mom Ever.”  You can read this humorous, but realistic, article at http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/05/30/worst-end-of-school-year-mom-ever. I promise that all parents will laugh.  She describes how as a parent she has lost steam and is limping towards the finish line, as a tired, worn-out parent unable to still supervise and oversee the work and even sign papers.   So, it’s not just our kids who are ready for vacation. We parents are too.

       

The good news is that both parents and students have the summer vacation to recharge. We worked hard this year too and deserve the time to simply enjoy our children.

Katherine Martinko, in her article “I’m Opting For A Slow Parenting Summer” writes about what Slow Parenting is- “The philosophy behind slow parenting is exactly what it sounds like – that kids need time and space to explore the world on their own terms; that they learn to entertain themselves, play outdoors, and enjoy hanging out with their families; and that they receive sufficient down time to process what’s going on their lives.” She says that we tend to overburden our family’s free time.    “The ‘slow parenting’ movement is gaining traction in opposition to the chronic ‘fast forward’ mode that drives so many North American families nowadays. At a time when childrearing feels more like ‘a cross between a competitive sport and product-development’, it feels really good just to say ‘no’ and detach from the rat race.”

Carrie Contey, the founder of Slow Family Living stresses that children need moments of “doing” and moments of “being.” We tend to overschedule with doing and do not allow for being.  Children who can simply “be” are more comfortable, secure and often more content.  They do not need to be entertained at every moment of every day.

The bell just rang and the last minutes of the school year have passed. I am making a commitment to some slow parenting moments this summer. I hope that you are too.  You deserve it!

Being An "Upstander" And Not A "Bystander"

 Two weeks ago, the town of Shawano in Wisconsin passed a new anti-bullying ordinance. Under this ordinance, if a child is found to be involved in bullying another the parents will be warned. The parent then has 90 days to “address the bullying.” If the behavior does not stop after 90 days, the parents will be fined $366. This ordinance is not the first of this kind. We presented our 7^th graders in Advisory with this new ordinance. What did they think? Can parents be held responsible for the behavior of their children? That was most definitely debatable. But, clearly, they can be held responsible if they “stand idly by” and let it happen without attempting an intervention.

“Do not stand idly by” was a theme in the most recent unit in their Advisory class. We were proud to spearhead and share our B.I.G. Day- Buy Israeli Goods Day- in local supermarkets and in school. This effort was part of their standing up to the BDS movement and not “standing idly by” while Israel is maligned and boycotted. We hope that our students got the message that each of us as individuals can do something to stand up to injustice.

The proximity of Yom HaShoah and Yom Haatzmaut has always struck me. “Out of the ashes,” as some might maintain. This year, with our B.I.G. Day, the students were able to see a more direct connection. The theme of the importance of the bystander standing up to injustice is abundantly clear with the Holocaust, as demonstrated by this quote we discuss in our Advisory class.

In 1933 Martin Niemoller, a leader in the Confessing Church which was  begun by Niemoller and several other ministers, voted for the Nazi party.  By  1938, however, he was in a concentration camp.  After the war he was believed to have said,

"In Germany, the Nazis came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up  because I wasn't a Communist.  

Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak  up because I wasn't a Jew.  

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics,  and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.  

Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to

speak for me."  

I have spoken about the impactful bonding opportunity presented by reading a book that your teen is reading. My son and I are now reading The Book Thief. I actually just finished the book today- a truly incredible read! It is replete with messages of “Do not stand idly by” as Hans Huberman and his family hide a Jew, or as he reaches out to give bread to a Jew and suffers the consequences, or as he paints over the anti-Semitic graffiti found on a Jew's store.

These are the messages that we want to transmit as parents to our children. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

The Gemara in Sotah 11a tell us that when Pharaoh was plotting against the Jews he asked his three advisers, Yitro, Iyov and Bilaam their opinions. Bilaam was eager to exterminate the Jews. Yitro, rejected Pharaoh's idea and expressed his opposition. He, therefore, had to escape Egypt and ended up in Midyan. Iyov, was against killing the Jews, but he remained silent. One can only hypothesize why he did not speak. Perhaps he was afraid of suffering the consequences. He may even have rationalized that if he is not an adviser, he cannot help the Jews as time progresses.

Each adviser received a consequence from G-d. Bilaam, was killed by the Jews whom he wanted to kill. Yitro was rewarded by becoming the father-in-law of Moshe and an important in the history of the Jewish people. Iyov, who remained silent, lived a life of pain and suffering. Why such a terrible punishment for remaining silent? The Brisker Rav, Rabbi Yitzchak Zev Soloveitchik stated, that when Iyov was struck by tragedy after tragedy he finally raised his voice to cry to Hashem- the same Iyov who had stayed silent with Pharoah. The difference was, that here he was personally affected and with the Jewish decree he was not. Because he was unable to cry out when others were impacted, he was destined to cry out now.

To come back to Wisconsin, what can we as parents do to ensure that we do not stand idly by and raise children who will not stand idly by when they see injustice in their day to day lives- like bullying, even when it does not affect them directly? This Shabbat's parasha had the answer. In the first pasuk, Vayikra 21:1, it states, “And the Lord said to Moses: Speak to the kohanim, the sons of Aaron, and say to them: Let none [of you] defile himself for a dead person among his people.” Rashi asks, why the need for “speak” to them and “say” to them? Rashi answers, “Speak to the kohanim: אֱמֹר וְאָמַרְתָּ “Speak [to the Kohanim …] and say [to them],” lit. “Say…and you shall say.” [This double expression comes] to admonish the adult [Kohanim to be responsible] for the minors [that they must not contaminate them (Mizrachi)]. — [Yev. . 114A].” In essence, we adults need to be responsible for the minors. How? By having a zero-tolerance policy and not tolerating any teasing, picking on or joking about other children in our homes. By reminding them that sometimes we need to include others even if it is not the most fun for us, but because it is the right thing to do. And, most importantly, by serving as models ourselves of inclusiveness, respect for others, and keeping others in mind who may seem left out.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began to learn about the L.E.A.D.E.R.S. Strategies to combatting bullying.

Seventh Grade: Boys focused on body image for boys and girls on “Odd Girl Out” and social exclusion among girls.

Eighth Grade: Our almost graduates wrote about each other for the inscriptions that will appear on the sefarim that they receive at the Graduation Dinner. Students were trained for how to write the most meaningful inscriptions to their friends. 

The Key To A Magical Mother's Day And A Chodesh Tov...All Year

Happy Mother’s Day.  Chodesh Tov.  Rosh Chodesh and Mother’s Day fall out on the same day this year.   The moment I noticed that the two did coincide this year I knew that it was not by chance. After all, we know that Rosh Chodesh is a holiday for women.  It is a day that reminds us each month how much women are appreciated.  Why? When Aharon was trying to delay the building of the Gold Calf he requested they collect their jewelry and gold, as it says, “’And Aaron said: Take the earrings from your wives, sons and daughters, and bring them to me’ (Exodus 32:2). The women heard and refused to give their jewelry to their husbands, but said: ‘You want to make a calf with no power to save? We will not listen to you.’ God gave them reward in this world that they keep Rosh Chodesh more than men, and in the next world they merit to renew themselves like Rosh Chodesh.”  (Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer, 45) There are women who actually abstain from certain types of work (no sewing, heavy house cleaning). (Hey, I’m game for any holiday on which I don’t clean!).   

Rosh Chodesh, we know, is determined by sanctifying the moon.  There is a special connection between women and the moon.  Dina Coopersmith, in her article “ Rosh Chodesh|,” explains that Rosh Chodesh has a human element as you need two witnesses to testify the the Jerusalem high court that the moon was seen.  “The determination of this calendar is placed squarely in human hands.  Thus if the moon were to appear, in fact, on a Monday, but no on actually saw it until Tuesday, ‘seeing is believing’ and the court would decide that the first of the month was on a Tuesday.  As a result, G-d, as it were, follows the decision of the court and acts accordingly, so in the case of Rosh Hashana, He would push off His judgment of the entire world by one day!”  What message is G-d giving the Jews, as He gives them their first mitzvah of Rosh Chodesh?  Up until then the Jews were slaves and time was not their own. Now, they are becoming masters of their time and taking control. The moon reminds us that we can be in control of our time.  Who better to relay that message than a mother?  She somehow can multi-task better in a short amount of time, as brain research has clearly indicated.  She is a master over time.

The moon also causes me to consider what we mothers do with our time.  Is there anything more magical than the moon?  The moon looks as if it has disappeared, and then the next day it comes back! As parents of small children we read Good Night Moon, or sang “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.”  In those days, they didn’t need any special effects or cool videos. Just looking at the moon and the night sky was magical enough.  What message can the moon relay to us mothers on Mother’s Day Rosh Chodesh?

Bummi Laditan, in a Huffington Post  article “I’m Done Making My Kid’s Childhood Magical” makes us nostalgic for those good old days when looking at the moon was magical enough. She reminisces about her own childhood and compares it to the way we “mother” today.  (Thank you for Dr. Feit for forwarding the blog!)

“If our grandmothers and great-grandmothers could see the pressure modern mothers put on themselves, they’d think we were insane.  Since when does being a good mom mean you spend your days creating elaborate crafts for your children, making sure their rooms are decked-out Pottery Barn Ikea masterpieces worthy of children’s magazines, and dressing them to the nines in trendy coordinated outfits.  I don’t believe for a moment that mothers today love their kids any more than our great-grandmothers loved theirs. We just feel compelled to prove it through ridiculously expensive themed birthday parties that have do-it-yourself cupcake stations with 18 types of toppings and over-the-top gifts.

For a few years, I got caught up in the ‘Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better’ parenting model, which mandates you scour Pinterest for the best ideas, execute them flawlessly and then share the photo evidence with strangers and friends via blogs and Facebook posts.

Suddenly, it came to me: We do not need to make our children’s childhood magical.  Childhood is inherently magical, even when it isn’t perfect.”

            Laditan recounts her own childhood.  They played.  Parents were not responsible for entertaining them.  They just had fun. Today’s parents ask “What do you need my precious darling?  How can I make your childhood more amazing?”  We do not need to make their lives magical.  “Seeing the world through innocent eyes is magical.  Experiencing winter and playing in the snow is magical…”  Today, we put so much pressure on ourselves to create magical experiences.  We want our children to learn that the magic of life is not something that comes beautifully wrapped, but it is something you discover on your own.

            That is something to consider on Mother’s Day.  As a mother, Rosh Chodesh is a time each month that asserts that I need not wait until Mother’s Day to remind myself how appreciated I am. As a mother, the moon reminds us that we can control what we do with our time, and spend it not making magic for our children or competing with other mothers, but rather helping them create their own magic.  The pressure is off. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders began a unit on Social Exclusion, Harassment and Bullying. They spent some time identifying what those terms are.

Seventh Grade: Students spent time discussing political action and how they can get involved as teens standing up to injustice through contacting politicians.

Eight Grade:  Students began a unit based on the move The Wave which depicts a high school classroom experiment regarding peer pressure based on how the Nazi movement became so popular. 

Imagination And Our Teens- A Message Of The Pesach Seder

There is an obligation as stated in the haggadah, "B'chol dor vador chayav adam lirot et atzmo k'ilu hu yatzah miMitzrayim" "In every generation, a person is obligated to see himself as if he left Egypt."  (Pesachim 116b). As it says in Shemot 13:8 “And, you shall explain to your son on that day that it is because of what the Lord did for me when I went free from Egypt.” One must imagine oneself as experiencing the Exodus.  This brought to mind an article I recently read in Time Magazine by Joel Stein "Inside the Box" on the world of virtual reality that is upon us.   

Stein spent some months going to virtual reality conferences and interviewing scientists involved in virtual reality techonologies. Yes, one can experience climbing a mountain in virtual reality, or one fly a plane. One can even feel motion sickness.  Google has set up a virtual-reality program called Expeditions where classes can go on a virtual field trip and never leave the building.   As a psychologist, the work of Xavier Palomer Ripoll interested me. He created animated situations that allow therapists to use with immersion therapy to treat anxiety disorders.   "'They currently use imagination.  They hold a picture of a plane and they say, 'Imagine you're in a plane.'" Using Ripoll's work a person can actually feel like he is on a plane.  But, as a psychologist, I'm not exactly sure I like the use of virtual reality for therapy.  What happened to good old fashioned imagination?  

Jeremy Bailenson founded Stanford's Virtual Human Interaction Lab in 2003.  "He runs psychological experiments where people become aged versions of themselves to help them save for retirement; in a video how to deal with harassment, the user can become a young black woman being interviewed by an old white guy. After people fly like a superhero and deliver medicine to a sick child, they are more helpful when an assistant pretends to accidentally drop her stuff in the hallway...VR, he believes, is an empathy machine and should be saved for that purpose."  I'm not sure about this one either.  Why do we need an empathy machine?  Why can't we simply imagine the pain and feelings of the other without a “machine”?  

Virtual reality technology is incredible, but I worry when we depend on it to relay social/emotional skills.  I feel that the increasing use of such technology takes the place of encouraging the development of imagination in our children.

 Imagination is the key to success, as one can see that most successful people in life have vivid imaginations.  The greatest inventions of all time are the result of imagination. Imagination is also the key to finding creative solutions to problems.  It is fundamental to many aspects of cognitive development- creativity, cooperation, leadership, problem solving and even developing a good memory. According to Dr. Rosa Aekler and Janet Stanford, in their article “Imagination: The Gift That Keeps On Giving,” imagination allows us

• To envision what doesn't yet exist, but could become possible.
• To come close to experiencing alternative realities without risk.
• To rehearse goals we will attempt to achieve.
• To visualize solutions to problems.
• To test a hypothesis in our mind.
• To fulfill wishes and obtain gratification.”

 Children need to learn the ability to "creating pictures in their mind's eye that help them learn how to reach a desired goal," says Dr. Charlotte Reznick, author of The Power of Your Child's Imagination: How To Transform Stress And Anxiety Into Joy And Success.  We all know of the healing power of play for children where they enact scenarios from their real lives. It also helps them with empathy, as they can play the roles of others.  Research on preschoolers indicated that the more TV they watched, the less imaginative they were.  Television, for teens as well, needs to be paired with discussion, reading and critical thinking.

One example of the importance of imagination to success is Dr. Reznick's view of the importance of imagination for success in sports.  To combat thoughts like "I'll never be perfect" or "I'm afraid I'll let my teammates down" positive visualization techniques are essential. Some basic steps the involve one's imagination are:  1.  Concentrate on the feeling that gives you confidence. Imagine what it looks like. Which is bigger- fear or confidence? 2.  Then imagine filling one's whole body with confidence.  3.  Have  a chat with whatever fear is left.  Ask him what he is afraid of and what it needs form confidence. 4.  Imagine a calming place. Invite an "imaginary friend" to encourage you.  5.  Imagine in one's head each part of the action you want to accomplish.  6. Imagine being a spectator and what it looks like to see oneself succeed.  7. Visualize success using as many senses as possible- For example, when making a foul shot, what does the ball feel like? What sounds do you hear? What is the taste in your mouth? Smells in the gym? 8. Make sure to see success. When going up to bat, see yourself hitting that ball. 9. Use positive language when visualizing, “I can do it!”

In this world of technology, children spend most of their days paying attention to outside stimulation and little time paying attention to what is “inside,” which is essential for development of self-soothing, intuition and deep inner trust. Dr. Reznick said that it is imperative that parents make a "time to go 'inside' rather than 'outside' for information, stimulation, entertainment and knowledge for their children.  “I often tell kids that as much as there is on the outside, when they shut their eyes, relax, breathe slowly and deeply, connect to their 'inner computer' and let their imagination fly, they can go places they never before imagined."  She suggests that children need to take 3-5 minute breaks during technology use.

In today's world, there is no need to be creative or use one's imagination as one can simply google solutions to any issue.  Sitting around playing video games, watching television all day, does not do much for one's imagination.  

How often do our children say, "I'm bored?" Boredom can be constructive or destructive, as an opportunity to get into trouble. Sergio Diazgranados in his article on teenagers and boredom states, "Boredom plays such an imperative role in the growth of your teenager as it allows them to solidify their relationship with their imagination."  When one is bored, if one is able to take initiative and come up with something that is considered a sought after skill when it comes to careers.  But, when feeling bored, our teens often run to technology, not allowing themselves to feel boredom. “Boredom is recognized as a gateway to creativity, so if we can't be alone with ourselves and are unable to tolerate a lack of stimuli then we actually block out the opportunity to feel boredom and the possible creative thinking that comes out of that.”

The mitzvah of reliving the Exodus, is different from the daily mitzvah of remembering the Exodus (Devarim 15:15) as it requires that empathy component and the ability to imagine oneself in a circumstance without virtual reality.  The Rambam in the Laws of Chametz and Matzah 7:6 describes that he must act as a slave who is now experiencing the Exodus by engaging in actual behaviors that symbolize slavery and freedom.  Laws like reclining, eating matzah are meant for that purpose.  And, as Rabbi Naftali Hoff, in his article, "Reliving The Exodus" he notes that the Maharal adds in Gevurot Hashem 61, that one must view his generation as if it was the one leaving Egypt.  And, as the Rambam additionally states in his version of what we read in the haggadah, "In each and every generation a person is obligated to display himself (l'harot et atzmo) as though he just now left the slavery of Egypt." He says, "to display himself”- "L'harot et atzmo" instead of "lirot et atzmo" to see himself, and adds the word "now."  

We know that there are certain communities where they actually wrap matzah in a sack, and toss it over their shoulders.  They may even have seder participants call out "Where are you from?" "Mitzrayim," they answer.  "Where are you going?"  "Yerushalayim."  The actual enacting of the event is one way to trigger the imagination so that one can see oneself as leaving.

I am often grateful for the opportunity to take my teens to a shiur on Shabbat- when there are no smartboards, videos or interactive technologies. They must simply listen, imagine, contemplate and create with their minds. It is quite a challenge for many young people, and adults in today's world, but an essential skill.

Rabbi Dr. Tzvi Hirsch Weinreb in his article, “Imagine That!” points out the difficulty that some have in fulfilling the mitzvah of seeing oneself as leaving Egypt. In fact, he told the story of a young rabbi he heard state that he sees this mitzvah as impossible to do. He then quoted the words he once heard from the Klausenberger rebbe, Rabbi Halberstam, who was a Holocaust survivor. Rabbi Halberstam said that before the war his mentor, (whose name Rabbi Weinreb could not recall), told him that he had no difficulty imagining himself being a slave in Egypt. In fact, he could clearly remember being there- the “burdensome work...the sighs and groans of his companions. He could even still see, in his mind's eye, the cruel face of his tormentors as they sadistically whipped him for not producing his daily quota of bricks.” The rebbe said there are two psychological processes needed for fulfillment of the mitzvah seder night- koach hadimyon- imagination and empathy. But, what the rebbe added was, “we are often restricted by our own tendencies to rely upon our reason, rationality and intellectuality. We underplay the powers we have to fantasize, to imagine, to dream freely. In a sense, we are slaves to reason and need to learn to allow ourselves to go beyond reason and to give our imagination free rein.” Rabbi Weinreb shared these words of the rebbe with the young rabbi, who responded, “But, the Klausenberger rebbe didn't say that learning to imagine and to empathize were easy.”

The Pesach seder is replete with parenting and education pointers. One of which is the importance of fostering one's imagination. This is a parenting task that we can work on all throughout the year- although not an easy one. On seder night, parents and children must work at it, as for now, virtual reality is still muktza on Yom Tov and we must still use our old-fashioned, yet rewarding imagination.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Sixth graders set goals for the third trimester of the year. They also began a unit on cell phone safety.

Seventh Grade- Students were introduced to the BDS movement and how Israel is presented unfairly and unjustly.

Eighth Grade- Students discussed their experience with the Holocaust play.  

Are Our Teens Ready To Withstand The Media Messages?

Around this time of year, if you look through the guide for your cable television, you are bound to see that the movie The Ten Commandments will be playing.  My son asked me if he could watch it this year.  Until now, I have always told him and the rest of my children that they cannot watch it as I was concerned it was not an accurate depiction of what truly happened in the Torah.  A child, who cannot differentiate, might grow up with mistaken and even heretic views of characters in Tanach or of G-d Himself.  I shared with him, that our discussion brings to mind the humorous quote of the head of Michalah Jersualem College for Women, who just passed away this year, HaRav Yehuda Cooperman, z”tl.  I can still see Rav Cooperman with a twinkle in his eye, (as he often would have when saying something he knew was humorous), saying, “The Ten Commandments- read the book first.”   

(Rav Cooperman was quite a unique man. He grew up in Dublin, Ireland where he earned degrees in both law and Semitic languages in from Dublin University. He later learned in Gateshead, England with the famed Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, and then at the Chevron Yeshiva.  After some years in the United States, where he earned his doctorate, he returned to Israel where he eventually started Michlalah, where women could earn a University degree in a Torah setting.  Rav Cooperman wrote his own commentary on the Meshech Chochma, and I fondly remember my weekly classes in his home with only a handful of young women in my program, where we studied his commentary with him- the author. Yehi zichro baruch). 

Now that I am walking down memory lane, I can also still recall a class 29 years ago with my teacher, Mrs. Naomi Sutton.  Our class was on Kohelet, but I recall our having a discussion about the biblical movies that are on television. She shared that when she was a small child she stayed up late, unbeknownst to her babysitter, to watch a movie called David and Batsheba- made in 1951. She said, that to that day, every time she learns about David and Batsheva, she cannot wipe the inappropriate images from her mind.  (Interestingly enough, on March 8, a TV series debuted called Of Kings and Prophets- which depicted the books of Samuel.   It was cancelled after two episodes due to low ratings. Perhaps Mrs. Sutton got to the viewers?)

Then there is the Prince of Egypt a 1998 Dreamworks film which depicts the story of the Exodus.  My father, Rabbi Steven Dworken a”h, was at the time the head of the Rabbinical Council of America and was a consultant on the script with a representative from the Reform and Conservative movements as well. I can’t say that they actually listened to his advice. I know that since then there was a 2014 film, Exodus Gods and Kings, which I have not seen, but I imagine Rav Cooperman would say, “Read the book first.”     

Rabbi Benjamin Blech, in his article, “Exodus and Hollywood” describes how antithetical the 2014 movie was to the Torah and that it was even blasphemous.  Interestingly enough, “Here’s the result of a remarkable study. How many of the top 15 highest-U.S.-grossing movies of all time, adjusted for inflation, star comic-book characters? None. How many are based on the Bible? Two: The Ten Commandments and Ben Hur. The New Yorker recently pointed out an amazing statistic: The Bible is not only the best-selling book of all time – it is the best-selling book of the year, every single year.”

            I am not here to advise whether one should let one’s child watch biblical movies or television shows.  But, it does lead one to consider the impact that television and the media in general has on our life views. In my mind, I am embarrassed to say, Moshe did indeed look like Charlton Heston. 

In our 8^th Grade Girls Adolescent Life classes we discussed how relationships on television impact our view of the way relationships should be. Whether that they are purely based on the physical, fleeting, unpredictable, disloyal etc.  We discussed a 2014 Huffington Post article, “How Movies And T.V. Are Changing The Way You Think About Love.”  Researchers from the University of Michigan stated that television and movies affect how people view romance and love and how they behave in relationships, and affect  relationship longevity and satisfaction.  Watching relationships on television often sets up couples for unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be.  In this discussion, the goal is for young ladies to consider what truly is a meaningful, positive relationship, through the lens of Torah and not through the lens of the media.

So, after watching a television show or movie which presents a view antithetical to your family or religious values, as parents we need to find that “teachable moment”  where we ask questions, discuss and point out the weaknesses in the characters’ lifestyles.  We point out that relationships fostered on “The Bachelor” may be entertaining, but not real life.  We can even point out how Moshe was depicted wrong, and the inaccuracies in the story.  The Torah is truly a best- seller.  We should definitely make sure that our children “Read the book first,” and only once its contents are internalized, can our children withstand the messages of the media. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed the different types of peer pressure- spoken and unspoken and the subtle “tricks” peers use to pressure us into behaving in certain ways.

Seventh Grade:  Students considered why children are often hesitant to approach an adult when something wrong is happening, and evaluated whether they would “do something” if there were a situation of injustice or misdeeds.

Eighth Grade: Do teens share too much on the internet and through social media? What are the dangers of doing so?