Digital Discussions With Our Students

  My son recently recommended that I read a book called Notes On A Nervous Planet by Matt Haig.  Haig has previously written about his mental illness and in this book focuses on how social media and device usage impact on the rise of anxiety and depression in the world today.  How timely was my reading of this book! This month being Mental Health Awareness month and this past week we welcomed to Yavneh Janell Burley Hofmann to present our students and teachers on technology usage and wellness it fit right in. 

Haig writes about how we never put our phones down and it is harder and harder to sit still without distraction. Traumatic news stories increase our constant levels of worry.  Constant glancing at social increase our self-doubt and lowers our self- esteem as we are constantly comparing ourselves to others.  It gets to the point when we stay on social media even if we do not enjoy it. 

Haig quotes study after study showing the negative effects of technology on mental health. Throughout his book he offers advice to for 21st century living. One simple and obvious one is “”Declutter your mind…. In an overloaded world we need to have a filter.  We need to simplify things.  We need to disconnect sometimes.  We need to stop staring at our phones…”

Ironically, he points out, that we often distract ourselves with our devices when feeling down or anxious and yet that usage exacerbates those feelings in the long term. 

And, all of this is magnified with teens. In a recent article “ Too Much of a Good Thing: The Impact of Technology on Teens’ Mental Wellness” by Dr. Joshua Essery if the Child Clarity Guidance Center he quotes Dr. Jean M. Twenge, author of “iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy–and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood–and What That Means for the Rest of Us”- who recently presented for his center.

  “The number of teens who get together with their friends nearly every day dropped by over 40%. More teens are spending their free time alone in their room and on their phones, computers or games….All screen activities are linked to less happiness, and all off screen activities are linked to more happiness. Eighth graders who spend 10 or more hours a week on social media are 56 percent more likely to say they are unhappy than those who devote less time to social media. Admittedly, 10 hours a week is a lot. But those who spend six to nine hours a week on social media are still 47 percent more likely to say they are unhappy than those who use social media even less. The opposite is true of in-person interactions. Those who spend an above-average amount of time with their friends in person are 20 percent less likely to say they’re unhappy than those who hang out for a below-average amount of time.”

Now you understand why we spent the day with Janell Burley Hofmann last week. Some of you may recall when she spoke to parents a few years ago and wowed the audience. Every since then we had been considering her coming to speak to the students. As per her official bio:

 Janell Burley Hofmann is an international author, speaker and consultant specializing on the

topics of technology, media, health, relationships and well-being. Janell is the creator of the

original iPhone contract and a thought leader in the space of digital mindfulness, digital

parenting and intentional use of tech. She is the author of the book, iRules: What Every Tech-

Healthy Family Needs to Know About Selfies, Sexting, Gaming and Growing Up. 

Janell is the founder of the Slow Tech Movement and iRules Academy.

Keeping in mind all we have said above regarding the negative impact of technology, Ms. Hofmann began by asking our students the positive impacts of technology usage- or “how it makes the world a better place” (her words). Students came up with many positive roles for technology. Medical progress, the ability to be in touch with grandparents in another country,  access to knowledge, charity can be more easily raised, creating more jobs for people and of course, that it can be fun!  As Ms. Hofmann noted with the faculty- there is a no nostalgia clause- there cannot be nostalgia for the olden days without technology. It is here and we can use it positively. 

She then asked the students to share when they felt was negative about their technology usage.  Students pointed to dangers on the internet, hackers, getting distracted very easily, seeing things that are scary and inappropriate, eating up too much of their time, replacing humans with robots for jobs, and not socializing with friends when with friends as they are on their devices.  Students brought up cyberbullying and Ms. Hofmann discussed the definitions and the interventions. 

Hofmann then discussed some key terms with them to work on positive technology use. She prefaced the information with the fact that she designed them all with middle school students over the years designing terms they wished they had known. 

1.BE A SHARE STOPPER: She asked them to be a share stopper and to not pass on photos or conversations that can be hurtful, or wrong or can even get them in trouble. Delete and don’t pass on.  Student leaders coming up with tech positive ideas. 

2. THE BILLBOARD- even if we think we are set to private- what we say and do can easily be shared and spread- as if it was on a billboard off a highway.  How would I feel if lots and lots of eyes got on this? What we say and do on the internet represents who we are. Many people can see this so we need to think before we post…which leads us to #3.

3. THE PAUSE BUTTON -  Brain science says we make better decisions if we can take 5-6 inhales and exhales before we do something. So before we post or send something, pause,  stop, take those 5-6 seconds and consider if we truly want to send it. The more often we use the pause button, the  better we get at it.  We need to think before we react to something someone sends us as well.

4. PERMISSION TO POST- 

Lots of people  take photos of others and share them without their permission. Ask your friends for permission to post.  Hofmann showed how she always asks her family members permission to post before she posts any photos of them. 

5. THE ASKABLE ADULT: If you are unsure to post, send or to respond to a communication you receive- find an adult you trust to ask. She asked the children to consider who their askable adults are.  

6. TECH CURFEW-  We all need a time where we shut off our technology and even put it in another room. 

Hofmann stressed that she  and adults  would never ask them  to be perfect. We know they are going to make mistakes and that is okay.  (Note that this coming week both our sixth graders and eighth graders were scheduled for Advisory lessons related to these topics. Our sixth graders are focusing on cyber exclusion and our eighth graders on technology addictions as part of their substance abuse unit). 

Hofmann then spent time with our faculty.  She maintained that we need to have the same standards for when they walk the halls of schools and when they “walk the halls” on the internet. She stressed the importance of using the terms the students learned and speaking a common language.  Students who have digital mentors and askable adults tend to have the healthiest technology experience.  We discussed some ways we as the adults can reinforce positive technology usage. And, of course, that we as adults need to take a break, not answer e-mails after hours and get some rest from our technology. 

(More information that Ms. Hofmann passed on for parents will be sent to you soon, but we do hope to have her back again for parents in the fall)

I do think that the coincidental simultaneous occurrence of Mental Health Awareness month, my reading Notes On A Nervous Planet,  and our welcoming Janell Burley Hofmann was not at all a coincidence.   They were to remind us that only we can take the steps to benefit from technology while maintaining wellness.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students discussed the immense power they have with their cellphone and some dangers it can pose.

Seventh Grade: How does being an upstander impact on those around us and ourselves?

Eighth Grade: As part of their substance abuse unit students focused on the dangers of vaping. 

Mother's Day- The Payback?

 

I recently came across some data from a 2014 article that I had read. While some of the data might have changed, the thoughts are still true.“What would it take to pay back Mom for all she does?” is the question that Annaliza Kraft- Linder asked in an article published by Bank of America. According to Insure.com's 2014 Mother's Day Salary Index, it would cost at least $62,985, (up from $59, 862 last year!), to replace all that she does. Broken down it looks like this:

• Cooking and cleaning, $12,230

• Child care, $21,736

• Homework help, $7,290

• Chauffeur, $5,672

• Shopping, yard work, party and activity planning, finances, etc., $15,019

• Finding out what the kids are up to (paid in the equivalent value of a private detective), $1,036.

Salary.com states that mothers are worth even more, in its 2014 Mother's Day salary survey stating that “stay-at-home moms were worth $118,905 and working moms worth $70,107 (this does not include any paid salary from their job), with both groups putting more than 56 hours of overtime at home. These numbers are all up from last year's survey.”

 

Ms. Kraft- Linder adds that there is also what economists call the “opportunity cost” where mothers often give up time to do other things in favor of mothering. “Decades of lost wages, lost contributions to Social Security, and missed chances at career advancement” are some examples. Americans spend about $168.94 per year on their mothers. Clearly there is no way to literally “pay her back” and mothers don't expect that. (Although, Salary.com does have a pretend check you can print out to give to your mom for all she has done!)

 

On top of the free labor she is providing, Rabbi Tzvi Gluckin unabashedly proclaims, “Your Mom should hate you!” in his article, “Why Your Mom Doesn't Hate You Even Though She Should.” “Your mom gives you everything. That is all she does. She gives and she gets nothing back. Not from you. You take. She's a giver. You're a taker.” He goes on to describe how even before you were born you lived in our mother's womb and fed, kept warm and yet all you did was kick. Then you were born in a painful childbirth. Even then you did not say, “Thank you!” All you did was keep her up all night, and cry a lot. As you grew you continued to be ungrateful, until the “moody teenage” years. “You were difficult. You were resentful. You had to be told to do things. Twice. More than twice. And, maybe mom found you frustrating or challenging or difficult to understand, but she loved you anyway, because, well, that's what moms do. Being a mom is a thankless job.” Rabbi Gluckin then continues to say when it was time for the older child to move out on his/her own, one would think that mom would be happy and relieved- she's “free”! Yet, she is devastated. That is what unconditional love is all about.

 

Unconditional love stems from unconditional giving. The word for love in Hebrew is Ahava, the root of which is Hav which means to give. To love, is to give. And the more you give of yourself, the more you are "invested" in the other person, and the more you love that person.

 

So, what gifts can our children give us to make it all worthwhile? I don't know about you, but all I want is to enjoy my children more. We spend so much time doing all of the above “mothering” tasks that we don't simply take the time to enjoy our children. How do we make this happen? Do we just frankly say to our children, “Help me enjoy you- that's the payback!” Dr. Vincent Monastra writes that mothers, and fathers, need to think about how much time we spend “saying something 'nice' with” our children. For at least fifteen minutes a day, he asks us to be in a room with each one of our children and interact with him/her without peppering them with questions or correcting them. In this way, we let our children know that we are not only interested in being around them when they are in trouble or need to do a chore, but rather we “actually enjoy being her or his parent, that you love and want to be with your child, and that your child is more than just a burden to you.” And, we need to do this quickly before they don't want us around!

 

 Sara Debbie Gutfreund asserts that there are four gifts she says children do naturally give to their parents, as we enjoy them: 1. The Gift of Play 2. The Gift of Stories 3. The Gift of Giving 4. The Gift of Growth, all of which we could not have imagined before we had children. Ms. Gutfruend ends, “Maybe we have this whole Mother's Day thing backwards. Perhaps it's a day for mothers to appreciate the gifts our children have already given us...And, I whisper my secret to my children as I watch them sleeping, a sliver of moonlight falling across the floor, 'I love being your mother. Thank you for the gift of your presence in my life. It's a blessing that I am going to keep just for me”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed how they can be brave upstanders.

Seventh Grade- Students discussed the "bystander effect" and why people tend to do nothing when they see injustice.

Eighth Grade: Students discussed the damage of alcohol abuse.

Praying For Refuat HaNefesh

  In November 2019, a friend of mine started a whatsapp Tehillim group where each person chimes in to recite the next mizmor Tehillim until the entire book is recited and is started again.  I happen to presently be a part of two such groups- one of which was started by a Yavneh faculty member during the intense first year of Covid which is still going strong.  The one I joined in November 2019 was not the typical one that you would imagine as it is dedicated to what she called “Refuat HaNefesh”- healing of the soul.  

These were her words when she started the group:

Hi all. I wanted to start a new Tehillim group. I am sure that everyone on this list can think of at least one friend, family member, friend’s child, etc. that is suffering from some sort of mental illness that can benefit from help from Hashem to help them or their family member to be healed. In the zechus of our tefillos, may all those who are suffering merit a complete refuas hanefesh.

Each day, when I look at this group, it reminds me that as we say the משברך   לחולים  in shul we ask for רְפוּאַת הַנֶּֽפֶשׁ וּרְפוּאַת הַגּוּף- healing of the body and soul.  There are numerous people who need the healing of the soul from mental illness. And, we know as we say in Tehillim 147:3 daily as part of Tefillah that Hashem is הָ֣רוֹפֵא לִשְׁב֣וּרֵי לֵ֑ב Who heals the brokenhearted.  We know that Hashem helps us heal our mental health illnesses as well. 

This is a message that recently came up in my Melachim 1 class that I teach to 8th graders (shout out to an amazing class!).  We learned about the building of the Beit HaMikdash by Shlomo HaMelech and interestingly enough we looked at mizmor 30 in Tehillim referring to its building which begins with the words “מִזְמ֡וֹר שִׁ֤יר חֲנֻכַּ֖ת הַבַּ֣יִת לְדָוִֽד”  A psalm; a song of dedication of the House, of David” But, Dovid HaMelech didn’t build the Beit HaMikdash. In fact, we know he was not allowed to do so, so why is it called “the dedication of the house of Dovid”? He was not even alive when the Beit HaMikdash was dedicated?! Rabbi Chaim Jachter in the article  Tehillim and our Relationship with Hashem – Part Two offers various explanations which we discussed in class. One particular explanation, from the Ibn  Ezra focuses on the words from  pasuk 3- : ה’ אֱלֹקי שִׁוַּ֥עְתִּי אֵ֜לֶ֗יךָ וַתִּרְפָּאֵֽנִי  O Lord, I have cried out to You, and You have healed me where Dovid HaMelech thanks Hashem for healing him.  Rabbi Jachter notes:

The Ibn Ezra also cites Rabi Moshe Ibn Jikitila, who suggests that the Mizmor celebrates David HaMelech’s recovery from the serious depression he suffered when he was informed that he would not build the Beit HaMikdash (Shemuel II chapter 7), his greatest ambition (see Tehillim 27:4 and Radak’s explanation of Tehillim 3:5).  Ibn Jikitila explains that David recovered from this depression when he was informed that his son would build the Mikdash.  Accordingly the building of the Mikdash is coupled with David’s recovery from psychological illness.

An important implication of this approach is that Ibn Jikitila regards depression as a legitimate illness…. In the social realm, one who suffers from depression should not be dismissed as “abnormal,” just as we do not regard someone with a broken leg as “abnormal.”  Similarly, one who suffers from depression should not feel ashamed anymore than he would with a broken arm.

This was a perfect opportunity (a teachable moment!) to discuss with the students that mental illness is an illness like any other.  We target the stigma regarding mental health head on in our Mental Health awareness workshops I designed for our 8th graders implemented by guidance staff along with mental health practitioners in our community.  Students learn that there is nothing to be ashamed of and the importance of noticing warning signs in themselves and in friends and how to get help. 

 I was thinking of the Refuat HaNefesh Tehillim group today, on  May 1, after I read an article in The Jewish Standard sharing that May is mental health awareness month.  Dena Croog, who founded Refa’enu, an organization dedicated to mood disorder awareness,  wrote an incredible article where she shared that she interviewed family members of those suffering with mental illness. She had intended to paraphrase their words in her article, but decided to share verbatim their exact “raw, eye-opening, down-right honest depiction of what it’s really like to have a child with depression or bipolar disorder.”  I don’t think I can say it better than the article says it itself.   Please take the time to read this article to truly understand and to    “...catch a glimpse of the struggles and triumphs that come with having a loved one with mental illness. What is it like to talk with someone who is depressed or manic? What kind of help is out there? What are barriers to treatment? What can we be doing better, both as individuals and as a society?”  at:

https://jewishstandard.timesofisrael.com/portrait-of-families-in-turmoil/

One more item that I would like to add is my personal frustration regarding one area of mental health services and the religious community- a significant area in which we need to be doing better!  We still need to do more work to provide therapeutic schools and inpatient intensive support in a religious setting so that our children do not need to choose between continuing their Jewish education and growing Jewishly and getting the mental health support they desperately need. It is so painful for parents to have to make the decision to send their children to an environment where their child’s religious identity will be at stake.  This has been a passion of mine for some years now and I am still working on it! 

This Mental Health Awareness month, let us consider what we as a community are doing to make things better and to support each other. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students began a unit on Social Exclusion and Peer Harassment and spoke about L.E.A.D.E.R.S. strategies to step up. 

Seventh Grade: Students began their unit of  Do Not Stand Idly By and the importance of doing something when there is injustice in their world and community. They heard a presentation by Stand With Us about defending Israel and began discussing how the BDS movement is harmful to Israel. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began a unit on Substance Use and focused on the harmful effects on the brain.

Carrying A Heavy Load

  As we approach Pesach and are focused on the cleaning, shopping and the various other preparations I wonder if all that hard work exists so that  when we finally can enjoy Pesach we are fulfilling the words in  Pesachim 116B that state  

,בְּכׇל דּוֹר וָדוֹר חַיָּיב אָדָם לִרְאוֹת אֶת עַצְמוֹ כְּאִילּוּ הוּא יָצָא מִמִּצְרַיִם.

 In every generation a person is required to view himself as if he personally experienced leaving Egypt.  

Okay…perhaps not. 

The Rambam adds in Hilchot Chametz UMatzah 7:6:

בְּכָל דּוֹר וָדוֹר חַיָּב אָדָם לְהַרְאוֹת אֶת עַצְמוֹ כְּאִלּוּ הוּא בְּעַצְמוֹ יָצָא עַתָּה מִשִּׁעְבּוּד מִצְרַיִם 

In each and every generation, a person must present himself as if he, himself, has now left the slavery of Egypt. Not to view himself only, but to act or reenact the Exodus. 

Hence the custom, especially among Sephardic Jews, to actually dramatize the Exodus at the seder.  The National Jewish Outreach Program website describes what that might look like:

Generally this takes place immediately following Yachatz, the breaking of the middle matzah, or after Ha Lachma Anya, the first paragraph of the Maggid section.

The basic script for this dramatization is as follows:

Person holding the afikomen (larger half of the broken matzah) says: “Their remaining possessions tied up in their bags on their shoulders and the children of Israel did as Moses commanded.”

Other Seder Participants: “From where are you coming?” 

Afikomen holder: “From Egypt.”

Participants: “Where are you going?”

Afikomen holder: “To Jerusalem.”

Participants: “What are your supplies?”

Afikomen holder: “Matzah and Maror.”

The afikomen is wrapped in a bag and thrown over the shoulder. In the Yemenite community, the leader of the seder stands, throws the afikomen bag over his shoulder and circles the table while leaning on a cane as he shares the miracles he witnessed leaving Egypt. 

The seder stresses the importance of being able to actually feel what it is like to be inמִצְרַיִם  which means in dire, narrow straits. Even when we are in our comfortable home we have the ability to use the skills of empathy and to not only imagine, but to actively feel what it is like to be slaves in Egypt and then freed.  Feel כְּאִילּוּ - as if you yourself are going through such difficulties and salvation.  

As I envisioned the family with their sacks thrown over their shoulders, reenacting the Exodus, it conjured up an expression in Yiddish that says that everyone has their own “peckel”- their own heavy package/bundle to carry.  Everyone has his or her own bundle of troubles to carry and overcome.  So, while we may not visibly see everyone’s package- they all have one. Even those who appear to have “perfect” lives have burdens to carry that we know nothing about. 

The Pesach seder reminds us of the troubles and the “peckels”  of others. 

As Mrs. Shira Smiles quotes in her article “Compassion and Connection”  the Malbim nots that what we recite at the seder is called “הגדה” and not “סיפור.” The term הגדה implies telling of a personal experience and סיפור implies telling a story that happened to someone else. 

And, we know that Moshe, the “star” of the Pesach story was known for his empathy as it states when he went out and saw the Jews enslaved,  in Shemot 2:11:

וַיְהִ֣י ׀ בַּיָּמִ֣ים הָהֵ֗ם וַיִּגְדַּ֤ל מֹשֶׁה֙ וַיֵּצֵ֣א אֶל־אֶחָ֔יו וַיַּ֖רְא בְּסִבְלֹתָ֑ם

Some time after that, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his kinsfolk and witnessed their burdens.

Rashi says, 

וירא בסבלתם: נתן עיניו ולבו להיות מיצר עליהם

And looked at their burdens: He directed his eyes and his heart to be distressed over them. 

That was true empathy- the ability to feel their pain despite living the high life in the palace. 

We see this quality again with Moshe later in the battle with Amalek as it says in Taanit 11a:

אֶלָּא, יְצַעֵר אָדָם עִם הַצִּבּוּר, שֶׁכֵּן מָצִינוּ בְּמֹשֶׁה רַבֵּינוּ שֶׁצִּיעֵר עַצְמוֹ עִם הַצִּבּוּר, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״וִידֵי מֹשֶׁה כְּבֵדִים וַיִּקְחוּ אֶבֶן וַיָּשִׂימוּ תַחְתָּיו וַיֵּשֶׁב עָלֶיהָ״, וְכִי לֹא הָיָה לוֹ לְמֹשֶׁה כַּר אֶחָד אוֹ כֶּסֶת אַחַת לֵישֵׁב עָלֶיהָ? אֶלָּא כָּךְ אָמַר מֹשֶׁה: הוֹאִיל וְיִשְׂרָאֵל שְׁרוּיִין בְּצַעַר — אַף אֲנִי אֶהְיֶה עִמָּהֶם בְּצַעַר. וְכׇל הַמְצַעֵר עַצְמוֹ עִם הַצִּבּוּר — זוֹכֶה וְרוֹאֶה בְּנֶחָמַת צִבּוּר

The baraita continues: Rather, a person should be distressed together with the community. As we found with Moses our teacher that he was distressed together with the community, as it is stated during the war with Amalek: “But Moses’ hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat upon it” (Exodus 17:12). But didn’t Moses have one pillow or one cushion to sit upon; why was he forced to sit on a rock? Rather, Moses said as follows: Since the Jewish people are immersed in suffering, I too will be with them in suffering, as much as I am able, although I am not participating in the fighting. The baraita adds: And anyone who is distressed together with the community will merit seeing the consolation of the community.

     And, the beginning of the salvation, when Moshe sees the burning bush, shows that The Savior- G-d Himeself also typifies this quality. Rashi notes, why did Hashem appear to him in a bush and not in another type of tree?

מתוך הסנה: ולא אילן אחר, משום עמו אנכי בצרה (תהילים צא טו):

from within the thorn bush: But not from any other tree, because of “I am with him in distress” (Ps. 91:15). — [from Tanchuma, Shemoth 14].  

          G-d Himself was with the Jews in their pain- He felt their pain with them in empathy. 

And, after the Jewish people leave Egypt and receive the mitzvot they are reminded of this empathy. In Shemot 22:20 they are told of how to treat the “stranger” 

, וְגֵ֥ר לֹֽא־תוֹנֶ֖ה וְלֹ֣א תִלְחָצֶ֑נּוּ כִּֽי־גֵרִ֥ים הֱיִיתֶ֖ם בְּאֶ֥רֶץ מִצְרָֽיִם:

And you shall not mistreat a stranger, nor shall you oppress him, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.

They are encouraged to imagine what it felt like to be strangers themselves. 

And, in pasuk 24: 

אִם־כֶּ֣סֶף | תַּלְוֶ֣ה אֶת־עַמִּ֗י אֶת־הֶֽעָנִי֙ עִמָּ֔ךְ לֹא־תִֽהְיֶ֥ה ל֖וֹ כְּנשֶׁ֑ה לֹֽא־תְשִׂימ֥וּן עָלָ֖יו נֶֽשֶׁךְ

When you lend money to My people, to the poor person [who is] with you, you shall not behave toward him as a lender; you shall not impose interest upon him.

Rashi comments on the words “with you”

 את העני עמך: הוי מסתכל בעצמך כאלו אתה העני

to the poor person [who is] with you: Look at yourself as if you were a poor person. -[From Tanchuma 15]

And, so the Jewish people, in their formation as a nation, were reminded that everyone has their own “peckel” and to feel their pain. 

  It is easy to feel sorry for someone when their “peckel” is obvious and visible.I have written about empathy in this column numerous times and about how we incorporate it in Advisory. But, it struck me again as I read an article this past Shabbat,  that we need to do a better job in teaching empathy for those who have “invisible peckels” - when their suffering is not obvious.  In the magazine Family First  in the article “Hidden in Plain Sight”, Rivki Silver, presents scenarios where people have invisible disabilities or difficulties and they are consequently judged easily. For example:

1. Beneath the Surface

What you see:

It’s Shabbos afternoon, and a group of mothers get together with their little ones. After one little boy pushes a little girl one too many times, her mom turns to this boy’s mother, and says, point-blank, “You need to parent your child.”

“Sorry,” mutters his mortified mother.

What you don’t see:

This boy’s mother was in middle of having him evaluated. He was ultimately diagnosed with an extreme case of ADHD as well as anxiety. “The head of neurology saw my kid and said ‘Wow!’ ” the mom recalls.

2. Beneath the Surface

What you see: 

A grandmother takes her granddaughter out for a manicure, hoping for some quality bonding time. But instead of smiling and chitchatting while picking out colors she wants, the girl is asking nonstop questions like, “I don’t know, should I have come? Should I not have come? Should I have stayed home? Should I have done this?” Her grandmother is at a loss — this was supposed to be such a nice outing. Can’t they just enjoy themselves?

What you don’t see:

This girl has a diagnosis of Asperger’s and anxiety. While all these conditions make life challenging, right now it’s her anxiety that’s preventing her from enjoying herself.

It is easy for us to have empathy when someone is in a wheelchair or we know someone has an obvious disability.  Dr. Benjamin Miller notes instead of judging the poor parenting of the parent or the terrible behavior of the child consider,  

React with empathy 

“Understand that there are always things going on behind the scenes that you don’t know about. And if you think you know what’s going on — you don’t, by the way — but if you think you do, do your best to help out. Approach with empathy, from a perspective of ‘How do I support him and maybe give him a little chizuk?’

Maybe that child or parent has a “peckel” I know nothing about.  How would it feel if I had to carry such a burden? Maybe there is something I can do to help him/her carry that peckel so it is not so heavy and unbearable rather than judging.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed exclusion through the video Sneetches

Seventh Grade: What are the everyday stressors that we face and how can we manage them?

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed the inappropriate use of bigoted language used in society.

Wearing Rose-Colored Glasses

 

This year’s World Happiness Report results came out this week and Israel is the 9th happiest country in the world out of 146 countries! This is above the United States which was number 16, Britain- 17 and Canada- 15. Those who have read my column before know that this is not the first time that Israel ranked higher than America. In 2017- when I first reported on these results- I noted:

“Some characteristics noted in the top countries were caring, freedom, generosity, honesty (Yes, Israelis never hold back what’s on their minds!), health, income, and good governance.  Some other characteristics noted were “having someone to count on in times of trouble, generosity, trust.’ All good qualities to reinforce with our children.”  

I know I discussed this issue further last time, but I would like to focus on some hypotheses why Israel is a happy country by discussing a presentation our 7th and 8th graders heard last week.  We were privileged to have Mr. Jason Beckoff address our students reinforcing the skills they learned in Advisory in their "When Life Gives You Lemons" unit; learning to cope with adversity and struggles in life.  He shared his personal story of adversity and resilience battling Guillain-Barre syndrome. He spoke to the students about the difficulty of his illness, the recuperation and how he found hope. He stressed the importance of staying positive and how to ignore negativity around you. That is the first solution to finding happiness. Hope.

The same hope can be found in the people of Israel despite being surrounded by enemies.  I recently found a joke about Israelis online from The Asia Times: An American businessman emigrated to Israel shortly after its founding. On his arrival, he orders a telephone, and waits for weeks without a response. After many hours of trying and complaints he is brought into the office of an official who explains that there is a two-year waiting list, and no way to skip the line “Do you mean there is no hope?,” the American asks. “It is forbidden for a Jew to say there is no hope!,” thunders the official. “No chance, maybe.” Hope transcends probability.

The Jew’s hope is found in Emunah and Bitachon in Hashem. No matter how dark things seem there is hope. As it says in Berachot 10a:

אֲפִילּוּ חֶרֶב חַדָּה מוּנַּחַת עַל צַוָּארוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם, אַל יִמְנַע עַצְמוֹ מִן הָרַחֲמִים.

Even if a sharp sword rests upon a person’s neck, he should not prevent himself from mercy.

There is always hope for G-d’s mercy. Mr. Beckoff spoke of his emunah which was strengthened by his remembering his Holocaust survivor relatives who never gave up hope in G-d despite all they suffered. 

Andrea Oppenheimer, in his article “Israel, Often Under Stress, Is The World’s Ninth- Happiest Country- How Did That Happen?” says that he sought out the opinion of Dr. Tal Ben Shahar- the expert on happiness whom I have often quoted. The Israeli Ben Shahar taught a course in Harvard on the topic of happiness and presently lives in Israel. He spoke at the World Happiness summit when this month’s rankings came out. He said that “Israel is a country with a very strong social network. ‘The No 1 distinguishing characteristic in happy countries is a very strong social network where there is support from family and friends,’he told me. ‘As the British philosopher Francis Bacon said, ‘Friendship doubles joy, and cuts grief in half.’”  Dr. Ben Shahar added that “being a country that often has been attacked by its neighbors, and a people who have been victims of persecution for thousands of years gives many Israelis a sense of mutual reliance. ‘In times of war, people get together to support each other. That, and the fact that the Jewish people have been together for several millennia, helps explain their high happiness levels.”  

Mr. Beckoff spoke of his family and friends and their constant support. The stories he shared about the power they had to provide him with the ability to not give up made an impact. He had the constant sense that they were all in this together.  He empowered the students to think about whether they are doing enough to help others in need.  

Last, Ben Shahar explained that since there is mandatory army service in Israel, Israelis- including immigrants, have a united sense of purpose and meaning. Whatever we can do to provide our children with a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives will help lead them to happiness. 

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg (a Yavneh graduate!) wrote in his article this week “Why Is Israel One Of The Top 10 Happiest Countries In The World?”  He notes that our founding fathers called it a “pursuit of happiness” as if as much as we pursue happiness it is difficult to be achieved.  He quotes an article by Dr. Daniel Gilbert who states that happiness is really elusive and that which we think will bring us happiness hardly ever does.  So, no matter how hard we try, the only way to really have happiness is by coincidentally “stumbling” on it. 

Rabbi Goldberg says that this idea is the antithesis of the Jewish belief.  “Judaism disagrees. Happiness, simcha, is not something that we stumble or trip upon by accident. It’s the result of a conscious decision, a determined attitude. In Path of the Just, Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto writes that being happy and joyful is not a luxury or simply preferable; they are critical components of a meaningful life.”  Rabbi Goldberg adds that one must actively choose to see the blessings in one’s life, no matter how intense one’s struggles. 

Mr. Beckoff also stressed this philosophy with the students.  One must actively ignore negativity and he spoke about his actively making a plan for recuperation.  Passivity leads to unhappiness. 

Rabbi Goldberg spoke about one small conscious act we can do to achieve happiness- smiling. When we smile, research shows that it lifts our mood, lowers stress, boosts our immune system and even prolongs our lives. When we smile chemicals are released in our brains that relieve pain and give pleasure.  And happiness is contagious. Surrounding ourselves with happy people raises the chances that we will be happy ourselves. 

Mr. Beckoff added that when nurses, and medical staff were the only ones to whom he had access, due to covid restrictions, when they were upbeat, encouraging and happy he felt happier. This again reinforced with our students the power they have in bringing joy to others who are going through tough times. 

Recently on my spotify Israeli music listening I came across a song by Omer Adam which was meant to be part of an eyeglasses campaign, but a particular line struck me as it relates to why Israelis are so positive, how Mr. Beckoff was able to maintain hope and to a skill we teach in Advisory. 

אז קניתי משקפיים לראות יותר ורוד

I bought eyeglasses to see more pink

As I listened it hit me. We do an activity with our 7th graders in Advisory about seeing life with rose-colored glasses- in an upbeat, hopeful manner. We ask for student volunteers who are each given the identical situation. One is asked to put on glasses with pink lenses and the other with dark lenses. I ask each of them to describe that situation with different “glasses” on, with different perspectives. 

One example- The situation: The power went off during a hurricane:

Rose colored glasses perspective: 

“It was so much fun when the power went off in my house during the hurricane. We all got to sleep in the same room and my father didn’t have to go to work.  We stayed up late telling ghost stories- it was like one big camp fire!  We stayed up all night playing games and having fun by flashlight.  I will never forget that night!”

Dark colored glasses perspective: 

“It was the worst night of my life. There was no power so we all had to squish into one room.  And, all I really wanted to do was to go to sleep in my own room, but my siblings were playing and making so much noise!  It’s so boring with no TV to watch, and I knew my teacher would be angry at me for not doing my homework. I wish we had a generator!” 

We then discussed “reframing” (no connection with frames of eyeglasses!).  Reframing is a technique used to help create a different way of looking at a situation, person, or relationship by changing its meaning. Also referred to as cognitive reframing, it's a strategy used to help people  look at situations from a slightly different perspective.  The essential idea behind reframing is that a person's point-of-view depends on the frame it is viewed in. When the frame is shifted, the meaning changes and thinking and behavior often change along with it.

Another way to understand the concept of reframing is to imagine looking through the frame of a camera lens. The picture seen through the lens can be changed to a view that is closer or further away. By slightly changing what is seen in the camera, the picture is both viewed and experienced differently.  

Dr. Daniel Feldman, in his article “Why Religion is Good For Us”  adds how religion  is a helpful tool for reframing. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” 

Mr. Beckoff was a living example to our students of the spirit of the country of Israel- the ability to achieve happiness despite difficulties through wearing משקפיים לראות יותר ורוד.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade; Students focused on goals based on their academic achievement and also on their friendship skills achievement through self-reflection. 

Seventh Grade:  Students learned about reframing and the ability to see life through rose colored glasses.

Eight Grade: Students created a manual for their parents to understand them better. PLEASE ASK THEM TO SEE THEM!   They then discussed the impact of mean behaviors on social media.