Parents As Mirrors

  “Mirror, mirror on the wall…” are words famously familiar from the fairy tale of Snow White.  However, a mirror is also an allusion to an essential parenting insight that I came across in my Shabbat reading. 

I read an article over Shabbat from TLC Talks, based on a podcast called The Learning Curve which discusses different educational and parenting issues. The question submitted was, “How can I help my daughter have a stronger sense of self-esteem? She struggles academically, and she doesn’t seem to have any special talents.  We love her dearly, but she sees herself so negatively- and in her eyes, the ‘facts’ back her up.” 

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld responds, “Not everyone will be an A-plus student. Not everyone will be the leader in the school play or the one picked to be head of GO…It is our job as the adults in their lives to get them to appreciate themselves and what they have to offer the world.  Every child, every person, has to believe that he matters." And, so he continues that more important than how she sees herself is, “When she looks at you, what does she see? Does she see a father and a mother who adore her and think the world of her?” 

He then went on to quote something from last week’s parasha, said by Rabbi Elya Svei. When Yoseph was tempted by the wife of Potiphar, Rashi quotes a Gemara in Sotah 36b. (There are so many layers regarding parenting from this Gemara that I have quoted before in this column), 

״וַתִּתְפְּשֵׂהוּ בְּבִגְדוֹ לֵאמֹר וְגוֹ׳״, בְּאוֹתָהּ שָׁעָה בָּאתָה דְּיוֹקְנוֹ שֶׁל אָבִיו וְנִרְאֲתָה לוֹ בַּחַלּוֹן

The verse states: “And she caught him by his garment, saying… (Genesis 39:12). At that moment his father’s image came and appeared to him in the window.

We normally interpret this as Yoseph seeing the image of his father gave him the strength to resist temptation- as if his father was speaking to him. Rav Elya says that in the mishna the word חלון often means a mirror and the Gemara can be read differently.  Yoseph HaTzaddik looked in the mirror and he didn’t see his father. He saw  דְּיוֹקְנוֹ,שֶׁל אָבִיו (note the comma he puts in, in red). He saw דְּיוֹקְנוֹ- himself (his own image), but not the way he perceived himself. “It was שֶׁל אָבִיו- he saw himself the way his father Yaakov viewed him. He was able to see the high esteem  in which Yaakov saw his son. It was a whole new vista into Yosef’s own self-worth that he never felt or appreciated. And, that allowed him to remain Yosef HaTzaddik.” 

And, so the question is when your child comes home from school and perhaps didn’t succeed the way he/she would have wanted, and she looks at you, i.e. sees herself in your mirror, what does she see? 

As Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield adds similarly in his response to this question of the parent, “... a parent serves as the mirror through which a child sees who she is and what her greatness is. A child cannot identify that greatness on her own, she simply lacks the perspective.  And if parents do not actively, see, articulate, and celebrate a child’s strengths, the child will naturally assume those strengths do not exist.” 

Especially for children who struggle in school it is imperative that we as parents help them discover and celebrate their other strengths. “As the narrow measure of school does not define her worth.” A parent needs to reflect a child’s strengths back to her over and over until the child begins to believe it. 

I came across a short video by ”Dr. Becky” Kennedy that says it all: “We can’t expect our child to change if we, the parents, are reinforcing the very behaviors we are trying to help a child move away from. So ask yourself, ‘When my child is in a difficult stage, do I reflect back to them the part of them that is engaging in those behaviors? Or do I reflect back a different version? Here’s an example: Your child is in a stage where they’re having a really hard time sharing with their siblings.  Do you go in and say, ‘Hey, your sister and brother always share with you! What is wrong with you? You can be so selfish!” Or, ‘You have as much generosity in you as anyone else in the family, I want you to know that.’ We are our child’s mirror, we have to reflect back to them the good inside them, so they can bring that good out.” 

There are so many ways in which our children “mirror” us as their parents. Dr. Lisa Firestone, in her article “Your Child’s Self-esteem Start With You” notes how our children are extremely “attuned” to us. And, “Every reaction we express (consciously and unconsciously) is absorbed by them, helping them shape their view of the world and themselves.”  She then continues to discuss a theory by her father, Dr. Robert Firestone called the “Self-system.”  This self-system is the unique make-up of each individual, some of which is inherent and some is “informed by a harmonious identification with and incorporation of a parent’s positive attitudes and traits.” So, if parents feel good about themselves, they are more likely able to pass this positive sense of self over to their children to have as well. And, the opposite is true as well. 

When parents feel negatively towards themselves, they can pass that on to their children leading to negative self- esteem. As an example, she notes that you might never call your child “stupid,” but if he is constantly hearing you call yourself “stupid,” we need not wonder from where they got that idea. And thus what she calls the “Anti-self system” or the “critical inner voice” develops. The critical inner voice is like an “internalized parent” that “reminds them of their flaws…instructing them about how to perceive the world.” 

This concept of parents being the mirror for their children reminds me of the famous poem by Dr. Dorothy Law Nolte, “Children Learn What They Live”

Dr. Eli Leibowitz, in the article “The Parent As A Mirror- Our Reactions And Childhood Anxiety” by Dr. Aliza Pressman, notes that parents are like a mirror when it  comes particularly to anxiety, 

“Parents are a mirror that children look into, and they see who they are. All of your reactions to them are the reflection that they are seeing. That is who they know that they are. If your child believes that you see them as a helpless, weak, vulnerable child who can't handle stress, who falls apart, who can't deal with difficulty - that is what they start to believe about themselves. But, if they see that you see a child who actually has strength, who has resilience, who can cope with things, that also will affect how they feel about themselves.” 

Our reactions to a child’s anxiety can affect his/her ability to cope. If as parents we react with alarm, helplessness or that she cannot cope, the child will internalize those messages. As Dr. Pressman notes that ironically: 

If we respond like there is an emergency, we signal that there actually is one. When we treat our children like they lack the skills they need by taking over, fixing, or accommodating, they may come to believe that they are indeed weak, vulnerable, and unable to manage stress. Research shows that this can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading to increased anxiety and avoidance. The very nature we use to protect can turn against us! Even as we do more and more to bend backwards and support our kids, we find ourselves facing down more and more anxiety.

Rather, as Dr. Leibowitz adds, we should communicate with our children that we get what they are going through, and that they can handle the feeling and get through it.  As parents we need to relay a “mix of validation, sensitivity, empathy and a confidence in their ability to cope…This positive reflection fosters a sense of self-efficacy empowering the child to face their anxiety with greater courage.” If we relay the message that their anxiety is an illness or a disease that they have to fear– that it’s a crisis and we will do anything we can to calm them, it may make the anxiety worse and express to them that it is not okay to be anxious. We need to make an effort to reflect back images of strength, resilience and capability, so that our children have the confidence to face life’s challenges. And, the more we try to solve their problems for them, the less capable they believe they are.

Dr. Pressman shares the following steps:

1. Make the feelings ok, instead of making the situation ok. -Normalize their emotions instead of making it an emergency

2. Offer support without taking over. Remind them that they are not alone, and that you are there to support them. “I will be right here while you do it,” or “I will be here to talk about it tonight and hear what happened.” 

3. Express confidence in their abilities. The mirror concept, “projecting confidence allows your child to “borrow” some of your faith in them to build their own. You may need to pretend to have confidence (especially if you’re anxious too), but that is OK. “I know you can do this,” or “You’ve done hard things before and you always get through it,” can be a great place to start. Reminding your children about times when they have successfully overcome challenges can help them be willing to take risks again” 

4. Model healthy coping mechanisms.”Show them how you manage your own stress and anxiety, and project that same confidence in their abilities. Model that living with and overcoming anxiety is possible, takes practice, and builds resilience.”

As parents, let us spend our days being the mirror to our children of strength and ability, and hopefully, even when they are far away from us, as Yoseph was from his father, they will take with them that strength and confidence. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began discussing “student etiquette”- student- appropriate behaviors for success in school. 

Seventh Grade:  Students debriefed their experience at the homeless shelter and how they can apply the way they treat the homeless to their day to day lives.

Eighth Grade:  No Advisory this week due to days off and programming.

L'Hodot U'Lhallel Every Single Day Of The Year

This past Shabbat, Rosh Chodesh, Chanukah was, what we affectionately call, “Mrs. Cooperman’s Shabbat.”  What does that mean?  It is based on an article by Rabbi Emanuel Feldman “G-d and Mrs.Cooperman”  which first appeared in the Rabbinical Council of America Torah Journal, Tradition in 1995.  Tradition was always a mainstay in our home, as my father, a”h, was the executive director of the RCA, and I still recall reading that article. (It has since appeared in Mishpacha Magazine a few times. My quotes from the article below are from both Tradition and Mishpacha).  The article is based on the davening that we daven on the  Shabbat that we just experienced yesterday- which is also Rosh Chodesh and Chanukah. That Shabbat has the longest Shemoneh Esrei- where we say all the additions for Shabbat, and Rosh Chodesh and Chanukah. (Same with bentching!)  (I have since heard that Rabbi Neuburger also spoke about Mrs. Cooperman’s Shabbat this week in shul). 

According to Rabbi Dovid Heber, author of The Intriguing World of Jewish Time: Fascinating Zmanim and Calendar Calculations- a calendar guru- in his presentation on Torah Anytime, this is the sixth time in eleven years that we have had Shabbat, Rosh Chodesh and Chanukah together. But, we are about to have a dry spell. The next time this will happen again will be in 2039- the longest time we will go without the triple. The last time we had a fourteen year break was from 1805-1819. (And, the next time will be from 2052- 2066).  So, I thought it was a good time to stop and appreciate this phenomenon. 

Who was Mrs. Cooperman? She was an elderly woman who attended Rabbi Feldman’s father’s shul in Baltimore. She was “every rabbi’s ideal congregant; she never spoke during services, she davened meticulously, caressing every word, she listened avidly to the rabbi’s sermons, gave charity generously… There was only one problem. Other than her ability to read Hebrew, she was completely unlettered and unlearned. That is why, in fact, she never skipped a word of davening: she was unable to distinguish between prayers that are recited on a regular Shabbat and those which are recited only when Shabbat coincides with Rosh Chodesh, or Yom Tov or Chanukah.  The net result was that on every single Shabbat of the year she recited every single prayer on every single page of the service.”  

And, when Rabbi Feldman’s mother would gently remind her that she need not say all those pages on a regular Shabbat she would respond,“Nu, so what is terrible if I say it? These are holy words, and I’m talking to G-d in His holy language, so what could be bad?”

As pre-teens, Rabbi Feldman and his brothers growing up in their father’s shul found Mrs. Cooperman to be humorous. Then one year Rosh Chodesh Tevet was Shabbat Chanukah!  Yaale V’Yavo, Al HaNisim, Hallel-everything was said from beginning to end. And, the same with bentching! The one time that Mrs. Cooperman was correct- “Today is her day!” And, from that point on Shabbat, Rosh Chodesh, Chanukah became known as Mrs. Cooperman’s Shabbat. 

Rabbi Feldman notes that while they used to laugh about her, she possessed something that most of us lack,

 “She didn’t know the translations of those words, but in a much deeper sense she understood their meaning. She brought to her praying a total submission of the self before the Presence of G-d, a love for her Creator so consuming that she could not bear to pass over a single word of His holy siddur. 

She worshiped G-d not from knowledge or intellect, but from an inner spirit that transcends the mind…She praised Him for the Chanukah miracle every Shabbos of the year, she ushered in the New Moon every week of the year, her davening was a seamless web that did not distinguish one kind of holiness from another. G-d was her Divine friend, and, as the very embodiment of the Talmud’s “Rachamana liba ba’i — G-d desires the heart”(Sanhedrin 106b), her deepest when she said Baruch ata, she knew she was talking to her personal Creator, and that He was listening…her greatest joy was to engage in conversation with Him…Bizarre as her davening was, she brought to it a total submission before her Creator, a love so consuming that she could not pass over a single word of His holy siddur.”

Rabbi Feldman points out that we are missing this quality today. A shul’s worth is often measured by how quickly the services end. People are annoyed if the baal tefilla keeps them in shul for a few extra moments. Our prayers are robotic, “mechanical service of the lips” not the heart.  If only we could emulate Mrs. Cooperman by “caressing the words”, and genuinely surrendering ourselves before our maker. 

I often think about Mrs. Cooperman as we try to excite our students about Tefillah. My office is in the Beit Midrash so I have had the privilege of watching every single siddur play practice for the past 20 years I have been at Yavneh. The pure joy and excitement I see on the students’ faces is priceless. 

And, then I have the privilege, in the same Beit Midrash, to daven each day with our middle school students. Some of them still have that excitement, and some have lost it already. So, as Jewish educators we are constantly thinking of ways to make davening joyful for our students and to make them feel as if they are talking to Hashem. 

Through our Beur Tefillah classes- of which I am again privileged to teach for the 8th grade girls, we try to help the students see how their tefillah can express what is in their hearts. For example, we just learned about Modeh Ani, which they probably have not learned about since they first got their siddurim at that siddur play years ago. What does Modeh Ani really mean? Why do we awaken with that? What are the things that we are grateful for? The goal is to connect their own personal lives to all that they are davening.  In this way, they feel as if they are conversing with their Creator like Mrs. Cooperman did. And, to remember that when we awaken each day with our souls returned to us- every day we can praise Him for Chanukah miracles, like Mrs. Cooperman. 

And, of course as parents, we play a significant role in helping our children feel that connection to Tefillah. As Rabbi Daniel Alter wrote in his 2016 article, “Teaching Meaningful Tefillah: Directions and Guidelines” 

How can we instill the sense of value and importance of tefillah in our children: The home environment has the lead role in achieving this goal. Your child’s day school is your partner…

As a child, my connection to Tefillah clearly stemmed from my parents. I proudly stood next to my mother in shul- watching her daven with kavanah, and still can hear my father’s voice as I heard him daven from the bima. They both truly loved and cherished the opportunity to speak to Hashem, and I caught on. The school, while important, is merely a partner. 

Rabbi Moshe Hauer, z”l, of the Orthodox Union who recently passed away, referenced a research study on attrition and connection to the Jewish community, completed in March 2025, in his article, “How Will We Face Our Father?” 

He shared,  “...the strength and staying power of their bond to Orthodoxy will be built significantly on the power of the authentic connection to Judaism they observe in their parents and role models. … bringing their child along to shul and paying far less attention to what the child was doing while there; the child would then see the parent and the other congregants engaged in their davening and learning”   That is what fosters a connection to Tefillah- seeing their parents having that connection in their own Tefillah, and observing their parents as conversing with G-d. 

Rabbi Moshe Weinberger, in his article “Lights” in Jewish Action points out that “Hannukah was the first “oral miracle.” It is celebrated with songs and praise as opposed to the physical festivities of Purim. The lights of Hannukah are the lights of Torah which illuminate our lives, which fill our hearts and soar above the parchment and words.” Isn’t that what Tefillah is meant to be? 

 As we celebrate the last day of Chanukah let us remember the importance of our children seeing us  להודות ולהלל not only on Chanukah, but on every day of our lives.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students continued a deep dive into Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette and proper behavior.

Seventh Grade:  Students visited the Hackensack Homeless shelter and performed for the residents, and delivered gifts, as they put into effect the skills of empathy they focused upon during this unit.

Eighth Grade-  Students discussed materialism and how it impacts American society- especially during this season.  

Maccabean Resilience

     The Maccabees were few in number and their chances of winning were slim. Yet, they did not give up and persevered and thereby רבים ביד מעטים -the many fell in the hands of the few, against all odds. They then arrived in the Beit HaMikdash and again were devastated. All the oil seemed to have been tainted by the enemy. Alas, another miracle! They found one flask of oil enough for one mere day, again against all odds. They saw how there is only enough oil left for one day. It will take a week to make more oil. And, then again, against all odds, it lasted for eight days. 

I can imagine the conversations among them.  “Why even try? There is no way we will win against the mighty Greeks!”  “We can do it- let’s not give up! Stay hopeful! Believe!”  And, then,  “Why are we even wasting our time looking for a pure flask of oil? They are all tainted!”  “We can do it- let’s not give up hope!  Believe!”  And, then “Why are we  bothering to light the menorah? It will only last for one day!”  “Let us at least try. Miracles do happen! Stay hopeful. Believe!” 

Chanukah is the holiday of resilience- the ability to bounce back from difficulties and persist.  As I have mentioned in past years in this column, one unit we will be doing later in the year  in our 7th grade Advisory is called “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping with Adversity in Life.”  We begin with a quiz.  Who is this?  “He ran for political office seven times and was defeated each time.” .... Abraham Lincoln.  “His first children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers.”.... Dr. Seuss. “ As a baseball player, he struck out more than any player in the history of baseball: 1,330 times.”... Babe Ruth.  Why were these famous people able to continue despite failure and rejection? What was their secret?  Why do others quit the moment they face tough times? 

We demonstrate to the students that it is the difference between an egg and a super ball. The Advisor then takes a  ball and bounces it into a container. She points out that the harder you bounce it the quicker it bounces back. Then she takes the egg and throws it into the container.  It shatters. An egg- the harder you throw it, the quicker it shatters. There are two types of people in life. Some are raw egg people- who shatter when faced with an obstacle. Then there are super ball people. When they face an obstacle they bounce back. The people above- Lincoln, Dr. Seuss etc. with every failure they bounced back.

We then speak about the story of Jim Marshall, a former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings.  In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall spotted the football on the ground. He scooped it up and ran for a touchdown as the crowd cheered. But he ran the wrong way. He scored for the wrong team and on national television!  It was the most devastating moment of his life. The shame was overpowering. But during halftime, he thought, “If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it.” Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team's victory.”  Dr. Carole Dweck speaks about Jim Marshall’s triumph in her book Mindset.  We discuss with the students that after a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship. 

Lazer Gurkow in his article “Despite the Odds” highlights the insurmountable military challenge the Maccabees faced when fighting the Greeks. He adds an additional challenge: If this were not intimidating enough, consider the internal threat. A huge number of Jews had Hellenized—assimilated into the Syrian Greek culture. They rejected the laws and rituals as ancient relics, superfluous to an enlightened people. They viewed those who clung to religion as backwards, a cancer to be excised. They would do everything in their power, including fighting their own brethren, to ensure stability and the continuity of their lifestyle.”  

Not only were they facing the external threat, but also their own internal threat. We are often our own worst enemies. At times it is our peers or friends that discourage us. At times we ourselves have an internal self-talk (which we discuss in Advisory) which discourages us from dusting ourselves off and trying again.  “Yet, the Jewish warriors rejected this script and drew on the resilience of their soul,” says Gurkow. Resilience.  Here, he maintains, they gained that resilience from their souls- from their Emunah and belief in G-d’s salvation. (We too have discussed the power of  emunah in helping our children persist through difficulty).  

In essence the Maccabees were believers, and they were clearly optimists. They had the ability to see the cup half full and not half empty.  We also call this in Advisory the ability to see the world through “rose-colored glasses” instead of dark glasses. We apply this exercise to the ti real-life experiences.  The example I give them relates to losing power at your house during a hurricane:

During the hurricane, suddenly your power went off in your home.

Rose colored glasses perspective: 

“It was so much fun when the power went off in my house during the hurricane. We all got to sleep in the same room and my father didn’t have to go to work.  We stayed up late telling ghost stories- it was like one big campfire!  We stayed up all night playing games and having fun by flashlight.  I will never forget that night!”

Dark colored glasses perspective: 

“It was the worst night of my life. There was no power so we all had to squish into one room.  And, all I really wanted to do was to go to sleep in my own room, but my siblings were playing and making so much noise!  It’s so boring with no TV to watch, and I knew my teacher would be angry at me for not doing my homework. I wish we had a generator!” 

Gurkow focuses on the  a message that stems from Chanukah that we can hold onto during any times of challenge:

   The miracle of Chanukah was not just that the light lasted for eight days; that is a rather small miracle for G‑d. If He could split the Reed Sea, He could refill an oil jar. The miracle is that human beings, fallible and imperfect, overcame their doubts and found a new script. They rejected the odds and charted a new future. They refused to live in darkness and found their internal light.

The miracle of the eight-day light is merely an expression of the miracle wrought by the Maccabees. G‑d wanted the world to know what the Maccabees had achieved and made it a clarion call for generations. Don’t accept the script of darkness no matter the odds. You have a light inside you that refuses to be extinguished, and that one little light can banish a great deal of darkness.

When you kindle the Chanukah lights this year, stop and think about resilience and endurance

When we focus on the light within we can persevere. What is that light? (All of which we cover in Advisory)

1. Positive “self-talk”- encouraging messages we tell ourselves, similar to what we would tell a friend who is struggling.

2. Grit- holding fast to a goal despite failure.

3. Upbeating thinking- seeing the cup half full.

4. Resisting negative thoughts- i.e. I am a terrible student! Nobody likes me because I am not “cool” enough. 

5. Positive coping statements- before, during and after stressful situations encouraging oneself with statements like “It’s going to be okay.” “I can handle this.”

6. Mindful self-compassion- being aware of what you are going through without judgment and then having the ability to comfort, self-sooth and encourage ourselves when we suffer or fail. 

7. Affirmations- statements that we make about ourselves that we affirm and say over and over until we believe them. 

8. Emunah- trust in G-d and belief that what is happening is good for us. 

Chava Shapiro, in  her article “The Opportunity in Adversity” agrees and states “the miracle of the oil teaches us a critical life lesson: how to find light in the midst of what seems like utter chaos and darkness.”  Shapiro continues that adversity can be viewed simply as an obstacle to overcome or part of life from which we emerge better, stronger and wiser. After facing a challenge we understand ourselves better and are better.  We need to remember the little oil within us that we can set aflame when we are ready. 

Chana Weisberg in “Eight Chanukah Lessons That Teach an Enlightening Perspective on Life” focuses on another lesson regarding facing difficulty that we glean from the oil lasting for 8 days. “Don’t fight darkness; enlighten it by shining the light of truth and purpose. Don’t dwell on negativity or failures; instead, focus on positive change.” 

Sarah Chana Radcliffe in her article “Lighten Up: You can bring light into your home by toning down the negativity” reiterates the importance of shining that light instead of focusing on negativity. Through constant criticism, lecturing, nagging and complaining we introduce darkness into our homes.  We focus on the negative and do not equally focus on the positive. We need to work more on finding the good, judging all for the good and focusing more on the blessings in our lives. 

In the article following Radcliffe’s article, various authors write personal stories they call “The Last Flask”- “They were a tiny band of brave warriors who had defeated the powerful Greek army.  And now, they wanted to renew the service in the Beit HaMikdash, to kindle the menorah that would light up the world.   But the oil they needed was desecrated, dribbling from shattered vessels, unsealed and contaminated. And then they found it- the last flask, the small bottle that would enable them to start anew.  12 writers share the last flask that lit up their own lives…”  We all have those difficult times and those “last flasks” that we can find deep within ourselves. 

Let us encourage our children to look for that last flask within them, even when they feel that all is lost.  We raise them with the encouragement that they can do it despite the challenges they face. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed bar/bat mitzvah etiquette and appropriate behavior at a simcha.

Seventh Grade: Our students are preparing for their visit to the homeless shelter as part of their Operation Respect empathy unit. 

Eighth Grade: Based on the Dennis Prager film “For Goodness Sake” students discussed- why do we do good and what are the benefits for not only others, but for ourselves?