A Time To Wail And A Time To Dance

  Right before we entered Chag HaSukkot Rabbi Knapp circulated an article that I wrote for my shul Torah Journal: סוכות :עת לבכות ועת לשחוק - Sukkot- A Time To Cry and A Time to Laugh.  (Shout-out to Rabbi Schreiber who is one of the editors of the journal). Those words, from Kohelet 3:4, also state,  עֵ֥ת סְפ֖וֹד וְעֵ֥ת רְקֽוֹד׃ - a time to wail and a time to dance,  were lived by us this past Simchat Torah, and this past Friday in the middle school. We had a program on Friday which memorialized those who have passed since October 7th, which ended with festive dancing celebrating the return of the hostages. It was incredible to see our students being able to be seriously contemplative and then festive moments later. 

Just to summarize a component of the article, (for those who did not have the chance to read it), Rabbi Doron Perez points out that in Kohelet 3 it states  לַכֹּ֖ל זְמָ֑ן וְעֵ֥ת לְכָל־חֵ֖פֶץ תַּ֥חַת הַשָּׁמָֽיִם Everything has an appointed season, and there is a time for every matter under the heaven. However, interestingly enough if you look at the Pasukim, for example Pasuk 4:

 עֵ֤ת לִבְכּוֹת֙ וְעֵ֣ת לִשְׂח֔וֹק עֵ֥ת סְפ֖וֹד וְעֵ֥ת רְקֽוֹד

A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time of wailing and a time of dancing.

Notice it doesn’t say “A time to weep or a time to laugh, a time of wailing or a time of dancing” - it says “and,” as if one weeps and laughs simultaneously or wails and dances at the same time. There are times in life when we do both. That is the state Rabbi Perez calls “broken completeness.”  It is okay to celebrate and to have sadness simultaneously. (Feel free to read the article for more details!) 

I then referenced a presentation by Dr. Norman Blumenthal  in a workshop by Ohel last year addressing the question how to mark the day of October 7th. Do we rather put the focus on the horror, trauma and tragedy so we do not risk losing what happened?  Or should we focus on the heroism and  poignant optimism?  Dr. Blumenthal stated that the ability to remember the sadness along with the happy times is a predictor of resilience. He referenced a research study on the “oscillating narrative.” When children learn their family stories- their history-  including both happy and difficult “stories” (oscillating between good and bad), it helps create a shared history, strengthens emotional bonds and helps them make sense of their experiences when something senseless happens like October 7th. 

 Dr. Robyn Fivush, from Emory University where the study was conducted, states, “When we don’t know what to do, we look for stories about how people have coped in the past….A horrific event happened on 9/11 for example; we were attacked. But we came together as a nation, persevered and rose back up together. Such narratives help build a shared capacity for resilience. That’s true for nations and it’s true for families…. We found that in families that talked in more coherent and emotionally open ways about challenging family events with ten to twelve year-olds, the children coped better over the two-year period than in families telling less emotionally expressive and coherent stories about their challenges…Adolescents are especially hungry for these kinds of stories, she adds. “If they roll their eyes, so be it, they’re still listening,” Fivush says. “It’s the really mundane, everyday stories that reassure them that life is stable. It provides a sense of continuity, of enduring relationships and values. They need to know that they come from a long line of people who are strong, who are resilient, who are brave.The definition of who they are is not just something independent and autonomous, spun from nowhere. It’s embedded in a long, intergenerational family story.”  Ultimately, the goal is to help children construct a coherent story that validates their feelings while helping them think of resolutions. 

Some mistakenly think that  hiding sad circumstances from our children will help them be happier. But, in essence, when difficult situations inevitably happen to them, they will have no “oscillating narrative” from which to get strength. 

Before we solidify any programs since October 7th, the programming team sits with the guidance team and the rest of the administration to ensure that programs are developmentally appropriate.  We consciously felt it was important for the students to feel developmentally appropriate sadness, and then the celebration. And, so when we spoke about a program to commemorate October 7th and we still maintain happiness, we show them that we can be sad, but still continue and endure. We should note the sadness, but engage in the happiness at the same time. We speak of the tragedy, but also focus on the strength of the Jewish people- to move on, to laugh, to have Emunah, to be united and yes…to dance again. 

And, boy, was Friday’s program a perfect example of that “oscillating narrative” as the students were serious, but then danced with all their soul. 

Dr. Marshall Duke, from Emory University,  conducted research about the importance of knowing your family story. Children should know “Where did your grandparents grow up? Do you know the story of your birth?” He stressed that the type of family storytelling that is most important is that "oscillating narrative.” Knowing your family story- including all the challenging times and successes- builds a sense of identity and resilience and belief in the strength of their families. Children then get the message that we have ups and downs- but we have strengths that help us stick together. 

This past Shabbat I went to hear a shiur by Rabbi Moshe Benovitz. Rabbi Benovitz noted that the Israelis that he speaks to about the war since October 7th tend to be more optimistic than the Americans. Somehow, because they are living this oscillating narrative they are able to find more strength. 

Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush developed a scale called “Do You Know?” It asks children to answer 20 questions.Including for example some of the questions I noted above, “Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your parents went to high school? Do you know about an illness that happened in your family? Etc.” The higher the scores were, the higher their sense of control over their lives,and  the higher their self-esteem. High scores were the best predictor of emotional health and happiness. Dr. Duke says it has something to do with feeling that you are part of a “larger family.” That would be a possible explanation of Rabbi Benovitz’s insight- in Israel they feel they are part of a larger family. 

In Judaism in general, we have what Duke calls an  “intergenerational self” and a feeling we are part of something larger than ourselves. As we began reading Sefer Bereishit this past week, we feel, We are part of the family to whom this story happened. We are related to all the characters in Tanach. Throughout Tanach there are definitely ups and downs.  But, the stories  we learn- in both our family stories and our national stories- show how one can bounce back from difficult times.

As parents, let us take out those old photo albums (does anyone have those anymore?) and talk about the previous generations. That is the best way to relay the oscillating narrative to our children.  And, that is why here at Yavneh we focus in the 8th grade on children learning about the Holocaust and their personal Holocaust stories. 

Last year, as you might recall, when the hostages were released a group of seventh graders created a “Wall of Celebration” with photos of the hostages who were let free. Those students are currently working on adding the recently freed  hostages to that wall. But, they asked me if they can also have a section for those who did not come out alive. Absolutely. As I said above, “ It is okay to celebrate and to have sadness simultaneously.” 

As we embark on a new year, may this year be full of more happy times than sad times, and with the ability to bounce back when needed! 

Yom Kippur- The Happiest Day Of The Year

          Each year I tell my students as we approach Yom Kippur about the Yom Kippur my year in Israel.  While I always found Yom Kippur davening meaningful in my shul growing up, something special happened that year.  We davened in a yeshiva called Machon Lev, and as the Yom Kippur night davening came to a close (Kol Nidrei night) the yeshiva boys started dancing and singing with the most incredible happiness. One song after another after another.

 It struck me. I was used to seeing happy dancing on Simchat Torah or on Purim, but on Yom Kippur?! It was then I began to realize that Yom Kippur is a happy day, not a sad/scary day.  It is serious, but happy as we know Hashem will forgive us. One of my students, when I asked an extra credit question on the most recent quiz, why do Purim and Yom HaKippurim have similar names? She responded “Because both Purim and Yom Kippur are happy days!”  I guess she got the message! 

In fact, I found an article on-line from USA Today- “Don't say 'Happy Yom Kippur': How to greet someone observing the Jewish Day of Atonement” - by Carly Mallenbaum. I hate to break the news to you, Ms. Mallenbaum, but you are incorrect! “Happy Yom Kippur”- is actually pretty accurate. 

The Gemara in Taanit 26b says it quite clearly: 

אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל, לֹא הָיוּ יָמִים טוֹבִים לְיִשְׂרָאֵל כַּחֲמִשָּׁה עָשָׂר בְּאָב וּכְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים,

Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: There were no days as joyous for the Jewish people as the fifteenth of Av and as Yom Kippur.

What do Tu B’av and Yom Kippur have in common that they are both the happiest days in the Jewish calendar? 

Each year on Tisha B’av, since the sin of the spies, a group of Jews would die as it was decreed that they would not enter the land of Israel. But one year, by the time Tu’Bav came they realized that the decree was over as no one had died. Hashem had forgiven them. Likewise, Yom Kippur is the day that the Jews received the second set of the Luchot- the ten commandments- and they realized they were forgiven for the Cheit HaEgel- the sin of the golden calf.  Both days of forgiveness and therefore happy days! 

One might wonder, but we have no festive meals on Yom Kippur?! In fact, it says in the book Shaarei Teshuva 4:9: 

כי בשאר ימים טובים אנחנו קובעים סעודה לשמחת המצוה...ומפני שהצום ביום הכיפורים, נתחייבו לקבוע הסעודה על שמחת המצוה בערב יוה"כ

On all holidays we have a meal to express joy in the performance of the Mitzvah… but since we must fast on Yom Kippur, we are obligated to have a meal on Erev Yom Kippur in order to express our joy.

The purpose of the fasting is to be like angels and focus on the spiritual and the seriousness of the day. But, we still need to have a festive meal to celebrate! 

I believe that along these lines, instead of Yom Kippur being a negative day where we only focus on all we have done wrong, it is also meant to be a day where we become hopeful and focus on all we have done and plan to do right.  (In fact, we know that the teshuva process actually begins in Elul, so by Yom Kippur time, we have actually started on self-improvement!) 

As Rav Kook wrote in his commentary on Ein Yaakov, Ein Ayah vol. II, 405-407, Masechet Maaser Sheini 7:10, 

...על כן, כשם שיש תועלת גדולה לתיקון הנפש בוידוי העוונות... גם כן בוידוי המצוות, למען ישמח בהם בלבבו, ויחזק ארחות חייו בדרך ה'.

Just as there is great value to refine one's soul by the confession of sin, it is also important to confess one's good deeds– enabling joy to penetrate the heart, and allowing the transformation of oneself in the ways of Hashem.

In reading HaMizrachi magazine I came across a “viduy-like” poem written by Rabbi Binyamin Holtzman, the rabbi of Kibbutz Maaleh Gilboa.  It is not meant to be part of the actual Tefillah of Yom Kippur, but to stress the importance of “confessing” the positives of one’s life he modeled it after the viduy we say in shul. 

We have loved, we have cried, we have given back, we have spoken great things! We have believed, and we have given our best effort, we have remembered, we have embraced, we have chanted Your book! We have created, we have yearned, we have fought for justice! We have done all the good we could do, we have tried, we have turned aside to see, we have done as You have commanded us! We have learned interpretations of Torah, sometimes we have even been righteous, we have called out Your Name! We have been steadfast in our will, we have rejoiced, we have been there to support one another.

In fact, focusing on what we have done right and the good in our lives, is another path to self-improvement. In the article “How Gratitude Motivates Us to Become Better People” by Christina Armenta and Sonja Lybuomirsky they discuss their research that uncovered that focusing on what you are grateful for and what you have done right can actually enhance your self-improvement. In one study they discussed, they asked students to list the goals of areas they wanted to improve in or accomplish in the next two months and then were randomly assigned to two groups. One group was assigned to count their blessings and areas they were proud of and one group listed their “hassles” and negative areas.  Those in the positive group reported making more progress towards their goals. 

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg, in his article “Yom Kippur: Don’t Beat Yourself Up, Raise Yourself Up” shared the story of a young man who was failing out of high school. He took the SATs and the score he received was a 1480 out of 1600- quite good! Then things began to change. He suddenly believed he was smart and began working harder in school. Teachers started treating him differently. He ended up after a bit in community college in an Ivy League university. 12 years later he received a letter from the SAT board that he was one of 13 people that received the wrong SAT score. But, the day he got that 1480 his life changed. Or as Rabbi Goldberg notes “What really happened is his behavior changed. He started acting like a person with a 1480.”  He was treated like a boy with a 1480 on his SAT so he acted like one.

Many mistakenly believe that Yom Kippur is a day to beat ourselves up over all we have done wrong. No, he continues, “Yom Kippur is not about beating ourselves up; it’s about raising ourselves up. To use 25 hours for an honest look in the mirror, to admit the potential that is inside us, to regret the ways we have failed to realize it and to pledge to make our existence purposeful, meaningful and impactful”.

These words of Rabbi Goldberg, and particularly the story of the boy and the SAT score, really spoke to me as a parent.  Each year we begin the year (and the school year) and we need to consider as parents, what message do we want our children to get- that they messed up last year and they had better improve? Or better to focus on all the good they have inside of them, all they accomplished last year, and then and only then, help them unlock their potential and help them see they can do more.  There is always room for self-improvement. But, there is more chance for self-improvement if we help them first see the good they are already doing. As Rabbi Goldberg said- lets treat our children like they have already accomplished all that good. Only then will their behavior change. 

So, I end with the words “Happy Yom Kippur.” May this year bring to us and to our children a recognition of the positives in our lives already, and the optimism to grow on the path of self-improvement. 

Advisory Update:

6th Grade: Students set goals for this coming year.

7th Grade: Students continued discussion of teamwork and skills to work with one another.

8th Grade:  Students continued discussing the issues that impact their high school choice and started looking at the applications on-line. 

Tell Me The Truth And I Will Forgive- Parenting Tips From Hashem

  In my Beur Tefillah class we began a deep dive into the tefillah of אבינו מלכנו which we recite every day during the Aseret Yimei Teshuva. I began sharing one of my favorite Ishay Ribo Songs לשוב הביתה “To Return Home.” 

דלתות שמיים לא ננעלו

וכשהבן קורא הצילו

אבא שבשמיים מגיע אפילו

 

[(פזמון)]

אפילו שעשינו משהו רע

הוא מוחל וסולח, מוחל וסולח

מושיט ידו לעזרה ונותן ברחמיו

את הכח לתקן ולשוב אליו

The doors of Heaven never lock,

When a son calls, save him

Then Father in Heaven arrives, Even...

 

[(Chorus)]

Even if we've done something wrong,

He forgives and pardons, He forgives and pardons,

He stretches out His hand to assist, and in His mercy gives

The strength to fix, and return to Him

The song explains the power of Teshuva. Hashem is our father, and just like a father/parent- no matter what you have done- He will always let you return “back home”  and He will forgive with mercy. That is why we call Hashem אבינו מלכנו- our father, our king- with the term father always coming first. I encourage my students, as they daven this Rosh Hashana (and every day) to remember that Hashem is their father and He is always listening and always ready to accept them. A parent always welcomes a child back with open arms no matter what he/she does. 

(The Solomon Brothers sing an English version with Ishay Ribo. The words truly hit home: 

I know it’s not too late,

No path will seal my fate,

I know you’ll be there with arms wide open.

No matter what I’ve done wrong, 

No matter how long I’ve been gone, 

You’ll be there and let me back in. 

Even if we did a little wrong

You always have mercy,

I know You forgive me. 

So please so please show me the way back home

I’m wandering blindly

And,  finally I am on the way back home. )

But, what is the best way to approach our Father for forgiveness? Discovering that path can teach us some lessons as to how we, as parents, can develop a similar relationship with our own children. 

During the Yamim Noraim season the י”ג מידות- the 13 Attributes of Mercy of G-d are a mainstay of our Tefillah. We know that the use of the 13 middot was introduced after חטא העגל - the sin of the Golden Calf- when Moshe goes up to Har Sinai to receive the second לוחות (Shemot 34: 1-10), and were given to Moshe as a “formula” to use to achieve forgiveness for Bnai Yisrael.

As they are listed in Shemot 34:6,7

 ה׳ ׀ ה׳ קל רַח֖וּם וְחַנּ֑וּן אֶ֥רֶךְ אַפַּ֖יִם וְרַב־חֶ֥סֶד וֶאֱמֶֽת נֹצֵ֥ר חֶ֙סֶד֙ לָאֲלָפִ֔ים נֹשֵׂ֥א עָוֺ֛ן וָפֶ֖שַׁע וְחַטָּאָ֑ה וְנַקֵּה֙

“Lord Lord! Benevolent G-d  Who is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in kindness and truth, preserving loving  kindness to the thousandth generation, forgiving iniquity, and rebellion, and sin;

Rabbi David Fohrman, in his video “ The High Holidays- Just How Guilty Should I Feel?”  points out that these 13 attributes are a guide for how to truly ask for forgiveness. 

• First there’s that double name, Hashem Hashem… They say that the Creator-Name of God appears twice here, because it signifies that the same God – the same Heavenly Parent – that existed before you sinned, He exists afterwards, too.

God can still love you, can still be your Parent after you sin. He can still even be proud of you; the same vibrant relationship you once had with Him can be recaptured, restored, brought back to life. He is your Creator before you sin, and He is still your Creator afterwards. This baseline love is ever-present.

• After that, we get “Kel Rachum”, which means: a merciful God. Well, sure, you know, “merciful” fits – that’s certainly an aspect of compassion.

• Then the next attribute we get is “Chanun”, gracious. I think we’d all agree that “gracious” fits, too, very compassionate.

• Next we have “Erech Apayim” and “Rav Chesed” – patient and full of kindness. All very compassionate, you’d have to say – so these fit, too.

• But now look at the very next word: “Emet.” Truth. God is a God of truth. 

I don't know, that one kinda seems a little out of place. Don't get me wrong. It’s not like I have anything against truth, it's a very nice value. Good for courts, wonderful for judges. Truth, justice and the American way, and all that. But I wouldn't say it's a value that has much to do with compassion, would you?

Rabbi Fohrman goes on to say that in actuality, truth is the last thing we want Hashem to focus on - we want to just forget about what we have done and move on.  But, it seems that “truth” is an integral part of Hashem’s compassion. Truth telling is the way to earn forgiveness- that’s what viduy- confession- is all about. 

Going back to the parent/child metaphor. Oftentimes our children are afraid to tell us they have done something wrong. It involves admitting a “difficult truth” that he/she has let us down in some way. They are afraid we will be disappointed and our relationship will never be the same.  And, like Hashem said to Bnai Yisrael after cheit haegel- I created you, I am your parent. And, that involves a non-rational bias called love. I will love you no matter what. 

Whenever we feel that we have sinned grievously, He is asking us to experience Him as a true Parent – a Parent who is there for us even after we have let Him down, a Parent who has the capacity to love us even after our greatest failings.

He is a Parent who is rachum - He wants to help us grow, and chanun - who loves us just because we belong to Him. He is a Parent who is erech apayim, patient, and rav chesed, kind. If we can get in touch with these aspects of God, if we can learn to trust that this is who He is, then that helps give us the courage we need to bring truth into the relationship.

There’s a particular pride, says Rabbi Fohrman, that a parent has when his child displays the courage to tell the truth and apologize. That is what the 13 attributes do: The words aren't magic. But the gift they assure us of, the existence of a Parent in the sky whose love is ever-present, who values truth, and who wants nothing more than to continue to be proud and admire us, that is truly magical.

Our parent, Hashem, will always accept us, especially when we tell the truth of what we have done wrong. 

So, as parents, how do we learn from THE Parent on high, and relay that message to our children that if they do something “wrong” we want them to tell the truth and admit it?  The first step is always to reassure our children that they will be safe if they tell the truth.  

How do we teach them the value of coming clean with the truth?

 

• First model truth telling to them. And, share stories of your own life when you resisted the temptation to cover something up and came clean.  And, clearly don’t lie in front of them. 

• Catch them telling the truth. When they tell the truth, compliment them, “That must have been really hard for you to tell the truth. I am proud of you.”  And, even when they are yelling and upset, to say something like “I think it would be best to talk about this when you are more calm, but I appreciate how honest you were just now- I know it wasn’t easy.” 

• Talk to them about integrity in general. Whether current events or any situation in the real world, point out when dishonesty was the wrong thing. Have this conversation about the importance of telling the truth before something bad  happens. 

• When it seems like they are lying, say something like, “That sounds like you are making that up. If you are, how about trying again  and telling me what really happened?”

• Tell them very directly if they did something wrong they will be in less trouble if they tell the truth. So, for example, if the consequence of that behavior would normally be no TV time for a week, it would now be for three days instead because they told the truth. And, if they did lie, when they come back to correct it on their own, lessen the consequence. 

• Never call your child a liar.  They may not have told the truth but lying should not be a label. 

• Think about the function of the lie. Are they lying to look cool as they lack confidence?  To avoid a consequence? So someone won’t worry about them? Or perhaps he/she is just impulsive and doesn’t think about the consequences? They may be asking for help. 

• If your child is not a chronic liar, give him/her a second chance to tell the truth. If he says something like “I did my homework” and you know he did not, offer to him, “I am going to give you 10 minutes and then I am going to come back and ask you again if you did your homework." 

• Dr. Carol Brady, from ADDitude magazine suggests using the “Preamble method.”  “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.”

• Don’t set up your child to lie. If you know the true answer, tell them that you know already. 

• Make it easy to tell the truth. When they share something wrong that they did, remain calm. Your angry responses encourage them to lie instead. And, then calmly make a plan to fix the problem. 

• 
  

As we enter the Yamim Noraim tomorrow, let us remember that just like Hashem constantly tells us, Bnai Yisrael- the children of Israel,  it takes courage to tell the truth, and it is not easy to honestly admit what you did wrong. But, I will always be there for you no matter what. When you tell me what happened, I can help you.  A parenting technique that we can learn from THE Parent and apply to our own families. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students received a Middle School Success Guide written by last year’s sixth graders and highlighted five tips that they were going to try to implement this year. 

Seventh Grade:  Students began the Preparing for Frost Valley unit focusing on the skills needed for teamwork. 

Eighth Grade: Students began discussing the issues that impact their high school choice and started looking at the applications on-line.