The "Mommy Wars" and Lessons for Our Teens

Mitt Romney stated that he was getting advice on women's economic issues from his wife Ann. Hilary Rosen from CNN and a Democratic party adviser responded that Ann Romney has “never worked a day in her life.” And so the battle had begun, known as the “mommy wars.” John Guardiano in Spectator.org (as reported in the magazine The Week) stated that this was part of the effort to “demean women who choose not to work outside the home.” They then go on to quote Suzanne Venker in NationalReview.com who asserted that the rearing of children is “the most important job in the world.” And, so the conflict regarding the role of women continues- even amongst members of their own gender.

In the same issue of the magazine The Week I read of Sweden's efforts to “purge gender from the language” making the society “gender neutral.” Most recently, a children's book author wrote a book called Kivi and Monsterhund. Kivi is a child- neither boy nor girl- who wants a dog. The author created a new word “hen” which in Swedish is instead of “han”- he and “hon”- she. So, Kivi wanted a dog for “hen” birthday. The word “hen” has been added to the their national online encyclopedia.

All this discussion regarding gender role demonstrates that even as adults, we struggle with gender roles and gender stereotypes. One of the “jobs” of adolescence is to figure out the role they will play- as an adult, a human being, a Jew and as a man or woman. What is expected of me? Some of the discussions we have had with them in the past in Advisory are:What does it mean to “act like a man?” What words or expectations come to mind? What are the attitudes and behaviors that are expected from men in our society? Some examples they boys come up with are “Real men don’t cry”, “Boys like sports”, “Men are the primary breadwinner:”When girls are asked, what does it mean to “act like a women” some examples they come up with are to be caring, sensitive, concerned about their outer appearance etc.

We then discuss with them that these are what we perceive to be the gender roles assigned to each gender. By these lists we are saying “All men are like this and all woman are like that” That is a stereotype. The students have an understanding of the danger of stereotypes. We learn these gender roles from the media, our families, our culture. Our job as parents is to empower our children to step out of these stereotypes if they choose to do so.

Interestingly enough, my dissertation for my doctorate was on the topic of “Girls Attitudes Towards Math and Science.” Do children expect that boys will do better in math and science? What influences this perception?

As Jews, we do know that the differing roles of men and women is part of G-d's plan. “... in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them. And God blessed them. (Bereishit 1:27-28)” The Midrash describes that initially Adam was created as an androgynous being. Then G-d separated him into two parts- male and female. (As seen in the language of the pasuk- from singular “him” to plural “them”). G-d made him into two separate and different people- each one with talents and characteristics to complement and complete the other. As Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller stated, “Gender is a pivotal quality in each person's identity. Men and women are fully equal but different -- and that difference is good. With their own unique talents and natures they can give to one another and help each other along the road of life. God, in His infinite wisdom, created humans as two distinct genders in order to enable them to complement and fulfill each other. Each gender should appreciate and use its special strengths. Since the genders are different, it would be counterproductive to force them to conduct themselves identically.”

This is the fine balance of Ann Romney's life and that of the Swedes. On one hand, we want our boys and girls to feel that that they need not be boxed in by society's stereotypes. If a boy wants to go to cooking school- great! If a girl wants to coach basketball- great! On the other hand, there is inherent beauty and kedusha in the different kochot with which G-d created male and female as separate beings.

Parents, Prevention and Body Image

This week, I began the Body Image unit with our sixth grade girls. Despite knowing how vulnerable middle schoolers are to the “body image blues” (as we called them in our workshop), I am always surprised by their insightful comments. We discussed that one's body image is influenced by media, friends and family. That was just enough to hear them begin sharing their personal stories. “My sister is always on a diet- should I be?” “I know what it's like to be worried about how other people think you look. When I was little, I was supposed to wear a patch to school and I refused to!” Believe it or not, there were even comments like “I am happy with the way I look.” At the same time, two young ladies went back and forth arguing whether they were “fat.” While that argument distressed me, it was perfect fodder for what body image is all about.

I recently purchased a book for teen girls published by Girls Inc. called You're Amazing- A No Pressure Guide to Being Your Best Self, by Claire Musko. (Yes, most of the reading material around my house are books for teens!) Each chapter begins with quotes from real- life teens and some results of surveys they have done. “Even today, society values beauty in girls over intelligence.” - 9^th grade girl. “I feel that we are expected to be grown up now. We are supposed to dress like older girls.” - 6^th grade girl. “84% of girl said that girls are under a lot of pressure to dress the right way. 74% of girls said that the most popular girls in school are thin. 69% of girls worry about their appearance. 52% of girls worry about their weight.” She then continues to demonstrate the three influences we mentioned above through quotes. The Media- “Commercials show that guys are only interested in women that are gorgeous and skinny. It makes one think that I must look like that to be accepted or loved.” - Meghan, 16. Friends- “A lot of girls at my school are really skinny and they're the most popular girls. I'm glad I'm not skinny, but I feel jealous a lot of the time because they're so popular and well-liked.” - Melinda, 14. Family- “Some girls go from hearing about their friends' diets at school to hearing about their moms' diets at home.”

Musko states that often we hear that we need to teach girls to “love their body.” This love begins when they are toddlers. Often, girls will respond when they hear that, “Yeah, right!” There are days that they aren't happy with their bodies. So, Musko says, “I am not asking you to always love your body. I am asking you to make peace with it.” That is where the magazine Seventeen came up with “The Seventeen Body Peace Treaty,” (which we are showing our girls in school).

• Remember that the sun will rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza or an extra scoop of ice cream tonight.-Never blame my body for the bad day I'm having- Stop joining in when my friends compare and trash their own bodies- Never allow a dirty look from someone else influence how I feel about my appearance- Quit judging a person solely by how his or her body looks- even if it seems harmless- because I'd never want anyone to do that to me- Notice all the amazing things my body is doing for me every moment I walk, talk, think, breathe...- Quiet that negative voice in my head when it starts to say mean things about my body that I'd never tolerate anyone else saying about me- Remind myself that what you see isn't always what you get on TV and in ads- it takes a lot of airbrushing, dieting, money and work to look like that- Remember that even the girl who I'd swap bodies with in a minute has something about her looks that she hates- Respect my body by feeding it well, working up a sweat when it needs, and knowing when to take a break.- Realize that the mirror can reflect only what's on the surface of me,not who I am inside.- Know that I'm already beautiful the way I am.

This topic has further been on my mind as last week I attended a meeting at the Eating Disorders Program at the Adolescent/ Young Adult Centre for Health at Overlook Hospital. While thankfully, most of our children, (they service boys and girls!), will not need their services, it strengthened my resolve to take a proactive preventative approach with our girls, before problems develop. We are trying to do our part in our Advisory programming here at Yavneh.

But, we know that this is an area where partnership between school and home is imperative.

Parents play a crucial role in the development of children’s attitudes towards their bodies and food as they build the foundation from a young age. We need to evaluate, what messages are we sending to them about our attitudes towards food, exercise, and our own bodies, and of course, the messages regarding their bodies. We know that these attitudes begin at a young age, and that these body image issues can be found in boys as well, (as I have previously written in a Parenting Pointers). We therefore invite all parents of boys and girls- grades pre-k- 8- to a Parent Workshop on Monday May 7th on the topic of: How to Raise Our Children With HEALTHY BODY IMAGES AND ATTITUDES TOWARDS FOOD. We will explore practical strategies : What we can do as parents to reinforce those healthy attitudes from a young age? What should we be doing to combat some of the negative messages our children are receiving about their bodies from the world around them? What are some “red flags” that should concern us about our children in these areas? We are proud to present Dr. Sarah Roer, a clincal psychologist, who is an expert in the field of disordered body image and eating and has lectured extensively on the how to raise children with positive body images to parents. (More details to follow within the next few days). Please partner with us and make every effort to be there.

Pesach and Treating Our Children "Uniqually"

            A Morah was discussing the Aseret HaDibrot with her students. After explaining the commandment to honor one's father and  mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One boy  reponded, "Thou shall not kill." 

            This joke typifies the at time stressful relationships our children have with each other, and we had/have with our own siblings.  At last week's Parsha and Parenting shiur we discussed the importance of sibling relationships  in leading to exile and facilitating redemption of Pesach. In thinking about Chag HaPesach one theme that in my mind weaves through the story is that of sibling relationships.  After all, the actual Slavery began due to the relationship between Yoseph and his brothers. That is how they got there in the first place.

            Pesach most specifically typifies the importance of the family unit. We know the the Korban Pesach had to be eaten according to one's house, along with one's family. Pesach is the holiday that no matter how different our children are- whether one's a chacham, rasha,  tam or a sheaino yodea l'shol- they all sit together at the seder table.  Somehow, this chag is a unifying one. 

            Beginning with Kayin and Hevel, Yitzchak and Yishmael, Yaakov and Eisav and Yoseph and his brothers, Sefer Bereishit is replete with examples of sibling rivalry.  The story of Yoseph is one full of many questions.  We know that Yaakov gave Yoseph the coat of many colors which sparked jealousy among the brothers.  From here the Gemara in Shabbat states, “A person should never show a difference to a son amongst the sons for it was for a weight of two selaim that Yaakov gave to Yoseph more than his other sons that they were jealous of him and the situation continued to develop and our forefathers ended up in Egypt.” 

            What role do we as parents play in perpetuating sibling rivalry? To focus on two points we made at the shiur:  One area of focus is that as parents we will often see jealousy amongst our children. We are then tempted to treat all of them equally, i.e. If I get him new shoes, I need to get her shoes as well.   We should not treat them equally. We should treat them “uniqually” (That is a new word that I inadvertantly coined by a slip of the tongue during my shiur when trying to say uniquely! But, the group liked it and we voted it into our lexicon).  “When I was a little girl, I was taught that being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. You lug it home excitedly, open it up, and realize too late that nothing fits. Besides, half the stuff inside isn’t even your taste.”  What Jack needs is not what Sarah needs. And, by giving all of our children the same, we are in essence cheating them.  So, we answer, “I know you would like new shoes. But, Jack needs new shoes. You don't need new shoes. When you need new shoes, you will get as well.”Likewise, one of our children may need us to sit with him hours each night doing homework, while our daughter is thirsting for that time together, but does not need it. It would be a crime to sit and do homework with your daughter if she can do it independently. Spend time with her a different way.

                  Another point, for those of us who are panicked that our children fight too often, is that Dr. Laurie Kramer of the University of Illinois found that even if siblings fought  as children, if the pleasant times together outweighed the times of altercations, then they would tend to have positive relationships as adults.  It is our job as parents to help them create those positive memories and bonding experiences with each  other.

                  The relationship of Yoseph and his brothers ended positively.  They were now ready to begin the healing.  The “tikkun” of this Sinaat Achim continued in the relationship of Moshe and Aharon- the redeemers of the Jewish people.  We find that when Moshe was chosen to be the leader of the Jewish people, he is concerned about Aharon being slighted and Hashem states, (Shemot 4:14), “Behold Aharon your brother is coming out to meet you, and when he sees you, he will rejoice in his heart.” Only happy for him and without any envy, Aharon serves as his “right hand man.”  And, when Aharon is appointed Kohen Gadol, Moshe has that same happiness for him without any jealousy. 

                  Lack of brotherhood is what brought the Jewish people to Egypt and is often the underpinnings of most exiles.  Ahavat Achim of Moshe and Aharon led to the redemption. Only with true brotherhood could the Jewish people reach Matan Torah. As we know, at Har Sinai they were “like one man with one heart.” Brotherhood is the key to redemption.  May we merit to celebrate our Sedarim next year in Yerushalayim, the city of Brotherhood.