A Morah was discussing the Aseret HaDibrot with her students. After explaining the commandment to honor one's father and mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One boy reponded, "Thou shall not kill."
This joke typifies the at time stressful relationships our children have with each other, and we had/have with our own siblings. At last week's Parsha and Parenting shiur we discussed the importance of sibling relationships in leading to exile and facilitating redemption of Pesach. In thinking about Chag HaPesach one theme that in my mind weaves through the story is that of sibling relationships. After all, the actual Slavery began due to the relationship between Yoseph and his brothers. That is how they got there in the first place.
Pesach most specifically typifies the importance of the family unit. We know the the Korban Pesach had to be eaten according to one's house, along with one's family. Pesach is the holiday that no matter how different our children are- whether one's a chacham, rasha, tam or a sheaino yodea l'shol- they all sit together at the seder table. Somehow, this chag is a unifying one.
Beginning with Kayin and Hevel, Yitzchak and Yishmael, Yaakov and Eisav and Yoseph and his brothers, Sefer Bereishit is replete with examples of sibling rivalry. The story of Yoseph is one full of many questions. We know that Yaakov gave Yoseph the coat of many colors which sparked jealousy among the brothers. From here the Gemara in Shabbat states, “A person should never show a difference to a son amongst the sons for it was for a weight of two selaim that Yaakov gave to Yoseph more than his other sons that they were jealous of him and the situation continued to develop and our forefathers ended up in Egypt.”
What role do we as parents play in perpetuating sibling rivalry? To focus on two points we made at the shiur: One area of focus is that as parents we will often see jealousy amongst our children. We are then tempted to treat all of them equally, i.e. If I get him new shoes, I need to get her shoes as well. We should not treat them equally. We should treat them “uniqually” (That is a new word that I inadvertantly coined by a slip of the tongue during my shiur when trying to say uniquely! But, the group liked it and we voted it into our lexicon). “When I was a little girl, I was taught that being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. You lug it home excitedly, open it up, and realize too late that nothing fits. Besides, half the stuff inside isn’t even your taste.” What Jack needs is not what Sarah needs. And, by giving all of our children the same, we are in essence cheating them. So, we answer, “I know you would like new shoes. But, Jack needs new shoes. You don't need new shoes. When you need new shoes, you will get as well.”Likewise, one of our children may need us to sit with him hours each night doing homework, while our daughter is thirsting for that time together, but does not need it. It would be a crime to sit and do homework with your daughter if she can do it independently. Spend time with her a different way.
Another point, for those of us who are panicked that our children fight too often, is that Dr. Laurie Kramer of the University of Illinois found that even if siblings fought as children, if the pleasant times together outweighed the times of altercations, then they would tend to have positive relationships as adults. It is our job as parents to help them create those positive memories and bonding experiences with each other.
The relationship of Yoseph and his brothers ended positively. They were now ready to begin the healing. The “tikkun” of this Sinaat Achim continued in the relationship of Moshe and Aharon- the redeemers of the Jewish people. We find that when Moshe was chosen to be the leader of the Jewish people, he is concerned about Aharon being slighted and Hashem states, (Shemot 4:14), “Behold Aharon your brother is coming out to meet you, and when he sees you, he will rejoice in his heart.” Only happy for him and without any envy, Aharon serves as his “right hand man.” And, when Aharon is appointed Kohen Gadol, Moshe has that same happiness for him without any jealousy.
Lack of brotherhood is what brought the Jewish people to Egypt and is often the underpinnings of most exiles. Ahavat Achim of Moshe and Aharon led to the redemption. Only with true brotherhood could the Jewish people reach Matan Torah. As we know, at Har Sinai they were “like one man with one heart.” Brotherhood is the key to redemption. May we merit to celebrate our Sedarim next year in Yerushalayim, the city of Brotherhood.
No comments:
Post a Comment