The "Mommy Wars" and Lessons for Our Teens

Mitt Romney stated that he was getting advice on women's economic issues from his wife Ann. Hilary Rosen from CNN and a Democratic party adviser responded that Ann Romney has “never worked a day in her life.” And so the battle had begun, known as the “mommy wars.” John Guardiano in Spectator.org (as reported in the magazine The Week) stated that this was part of the effort to “demean women who choose not to work outside the home.” They then go on to quote Suzanne Venker in NationalReview.com who asserted that the rearing of children is “the most important job in the world.” And, so the conflict regarding the role of women continues- even amongst members of their own gender.

In the same issue of the magazine The Week I read of Sweden's efforts to “purge gender from the language” making the society “gender neutral.” Most recently, a children's book author wrote a book called Kivi and Monsterhund. Kivi is a child- neither boy nor girl- who wants a dog. The author created a new word “hen” which in Swedish is instead of “han”- he and “hon”- she. So, Kivi wanted a dog for “hen” birthday. The word “hen” has been added to the their national online encyclopedia.

All this discussion regarding gender role demonstrates that even as adults, we struggle with gender roles and gender stereotypes. One of the “jobs” of adolescence is to figure out the role they will play- as an adult, a human being, a Jew and as a man or woman. What is expected of me? Some of the discussions we have had with them in the past in Advisory are:What does it mean to “act like a man?” What words or expectations come to mind? What are the attitudes and behaviors that are expected from men in our society? Some examples they boys come up with are “Real men don’t cry”, “Boys like sports”, “Men are the primary breadwinner:”When girls are asked, what does it mean to “act like a women” some examples they come up with are to be caring, sensitive, concerned about their outer appearance etc.

We then discuss with them that these are what we perceive to be the gender roles assigned to each gender. By these lists we are saying “All men are like this and all woman are like that” That is a stereotype. The students have an understanding of the danger of stereotypes. We learn these gender roles from the media, our families, our culture. Our job as parents is to empower our children to step out of these stereotypes if they choose to do so.

Interestingly enough, my dissertation for my doctorate was on the topic of “Girls Attitudes Towards Math and Science.” Do children expect that boys will do better in math and science? What influences this perception?

As Jews, we do know that the differing roles of men and women is part of G-d's plan. “... in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them. And God blessed them. (Bereishit 1:27-28)” The Midrash describes that initially Adam was created as an androgynous being. Then G-d separated him into two parts- male and female. (As seen in the language of the pasuk- from singular “him” to plural “them”). G-d made him into two separate and different people- each one with talents and characteristics to complement and complete the other. As Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller stated, “Gender is a pivotal quality in each person's identity. Men and women are fully equal but different -- and that difference is good. With their own unique talents and natures they can give to one another and help each other along the road of life. God, in His infinite wisdom, created humans as two distinct genders in order to enable them to complement and fulfill each other. Each gender should appreciate and use its special strengths. Since the genders are different, it would be counterproductive to force them to conduct themselves identically.”

This is the fine balance of Ann Romney's life and that of the Swedes. On one hand, we want our boys and girls to feel that that they need not be boxed in by society's stereotypes. If a boy wants to go to cooking school- great! If a girl wants to coach basketball- great! On the other hand, there is inherent beauty and kedusha in the different kochot with which G-d created male and female as separate beings.