Daddy's Little Girls Become Strong Women

 

An unknown poet, Heather Belligham,wrote:

Every time I hate something
About my nose
My weight
My face
It's your voice in my head.

To whom is she speaking? Whose voice is the one in her head telling her that her body is not good enough? Perhaps she is speaking to her peers. Or perhaps to the messages she gets from the media. Or, perhaps, she is talking about us- her parents. As parents we have the unbelieveable power to shape those voices in our children's heads. They hear what we tell them loud and clear- even if they pretend they don't. We are the voices that make the biggest impact. Our goal as parents is to change this poem around:

Every time I love something

About my nose
My Weight
My face
It's your voice in my head.

At our standing room only workshop this past week on Body Image we learned how to help our children develop those inner voices of strength. It is the "kol demama daka"- the still, thin voice, as Eliayahu HaNavi learned, (Melachim I 19:12),  where the strength and power lies. Eliyahu saw the powerful wind, smashing mountains, and breaking rocks of an earthquake. But, G-d tells him the power of G-d is not in any of those things- but rather is in a the still thin voice that followed.

We feel that our children are surrounded by powerful and noisy influences that impact on their body image and their attitudes, and we at times feel powerless. Monday's workshop reminded us that if we raise our children with that voice inside of them- that is where the power lies.

 

With Mother’s Day approaching we are reminded of the indelible impact mothers make on their children.    Dr. Sarah Roer asserted on Monday night that mothers serve as important role models, especially to their daughters, on how they feel about their bodies and their attitudes towards foods. Dr. Roer shared with us that over and over again, her clients who struggle with eating disorders point to behaviors, comments or even innuendos they perceived as coming from their mothers as changing how they thought about their bodies. (Other highlights of Dr. Roer’s dynamic presentation were sent in an e-mail to you this week).

Ironically, though, with Mother’s Day approaching I would like to take the focus off of the mothers for a moment and focus on another point stressed by Dr. Roer in her presentation. Fathers also have a significant impact on the body image of their boys and girls. It makes common sense that fathers impact on their sons, but why their daughters?

Research has found that daughters who have healthy relationships with their fathers tend to be more self-reliant, self-confident and successful and less likely to develop eating disorders. Mr. Joe Kelly, the author of Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand and Support Your Daughter writes a blog on the topic as the “dadman.” He asserts that “as the first man in their lives, fathers set the precedent of how daughters believe men see them. What do they value? Are looks a major issue? Do they see their daughters as a full ‘human’ with thoughts, feelings, interests, and principles—or simply as a girl who should look and act a certain way?”

Fathers need to remember that their daughters are looking to them to understand how they are viewed by males. And, so, he implores fathers, “What do you want her to see when she looks in the mirror? What do you want her to think when she is around boys—and later, men? Talk to her about it. Show her how you feel.”

Mr. Kelly provides some practical tips for fathers:

1. Show respect for real women of substance. Be aware of your attitudes toward women, their appearance, and their achievements. Point out the contributions women make in your community or family.
2. Watch what you say about women’s bodies. Criticizing women’s weight and appearance has become a normal activity - you may not realize the power of what you say to your daughter.
3. Be Your Brother’s Keeper. Challenge your male friends and associates when they show disrespect for women, objectify them, or make sexist remarks.
4. Promote respect for all shapes and sizes. Weightism is rampant today. Take stock of your attitudes toward overweight people. Become aware of your prejudices and work to change them.
5. Examine your own weight, eating, or body image issues. Men are not immune to these concerns, as they are experiencing more and more pressure around appearance today. Make peace with your own body and treat it well.
6. Maintain a diet-free home. Encourage enjoyment of food, moderate exercise, and a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Rules about food only backfire and contribute to eating and weight problems.
   Emphasize inner beauty. Talk about what you value in people and in her. Help her to see that she is more than an image to you.
   
7. Rid your home and work environment of anything that promotes objectifies women. Magazines like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue breed body dissatisfaction and self degradation. Many standard men’s magazines are full of demeaning images of women.
   

Oftentimes, fathers get scared away when their daughters hit adolescence and the hormones rage. It is particularly important to stay close at that time, while at the same time respecting her need for privacy. Fathers can also help their daughters by raising their sons differently. Make it clear to boys that they need to be sensitive to women and that women are more than their bodies.

Although my own father, a”h, passed away some 9 years ago, I often contemplate how my relationship with him most definitely helped shape me as a strong woman. There is more to “Daddy's little girl” than meets the eye. So, on this Mother's Day, while all the fathers pay tribute to the amazing women in their lives they should also pay attention to the “little women” they are raising to be strong and confident.