The "Wandering Jews" and Home Alone

 Last week, the New York Times featured an article about Bar/Bat Mitzvah- a topic that applies to our community, and a topic I chose to discuss in my blog. This week, the child luring attempts have been on our minds- another topic that applies to our community. It seemed that both topics of Bar Mitzvah behavior and Child Safety coalesced today as I had a conversation with a parent about Shabbat Bar Mitzvahs. Many of our boys have their Bar Mitzvah celebrations on Shabbat, with a meal following Davening. After that meal, which merely lasts until early afternoon, there typically is no program. And, so we have a group of boys wandering the community, from one friend's house to another, with no supervision and no adult having a sense of to where they are heading. We train our children to notify parents of changes in plans. Some of these children's parents are in a different city. No one knows their plans. When I met with Detective Teehan today, before his program with the middle schoolers, I stressed the concerns we have regarding Shabbat safety- as it is a day when our children have no access to cellphones, and do a lot of walking and wandering.

Whose responsibility is it to supervise these wandering boys? Are the Bar Mitzvah boy's family- who are rather busy that Shabbat- responsible? Or, perhaps the hosts of the homes in which these teenage guests are staying. Is it their job to make sure they know where all the boys who are staying at their house are? Are there some rules that we as parents should get together and make to ensure their safety? Perhaps boys should have to return to the home where they are sleeping for the afternoon? I still recall after the terrible storm of March 2010, when we lost two Teaneck community members, a”h, there were a group of boys attending a local Bar Mitzvah wandering around town during that storm.

I have no particular solutions, but I wanted to bring up the issue. (And, I thank the parent with whom I this conversation for bringing these concerns to the fore). If you have any ideas, suggestions and/or interested in working on some solutions, please feel free to contact me.

Some Other Safety Concerns

As I mentioned above, and as you saw in the letter you got this evening, we had a program in school about Safety. There were some issues that as I parent were on my mind:

1. How do you teach your children about abuse and dangerous people without scaring them and creating more anxiety?
   We stress with our children, as we did in today's program, that they need not worry- they just need to know what to do. It is not “stranger danger,” it is “stranger safety.” Rather than focusing on the bad things that could happen, we focus on the skills and the rules we want our children to live by to stay safe. There is no need to worry about strangers if they follow the safety rules. We remind them that most probably nothing dangerous will ever happen to them, but they need to know the rules just in case.

It is essential that we remain calm when we speak to our children. Despite it being an uncomfortable topic, if we sound anxious, they will sense it. The goal is not to focus on scary stories, but to stress that most people are good. We need to stress that the world is mostly full of good, kind people. There is a children's book, The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers, which uses the metaphor of “bad apples.” (Note, it has been a long time I read that book and I am not necessarily recommending it). In the book, Sister learns about strangers and then is afraid that everyone she meets is dangerous. She then learns that people are like apples. Most apples are good but there are a few “bad apples” out there. Although this book is not one for teens, this is the message we should relay.

What if they do express anxiety or fear? Never minimize their fears. First get a sense of what is really scaring them. (Ex. Is the walk home from the bus bothering him?) Once you identify the actual fear, then you can practically outline what he will do to stay safe. (i.e. when walking home from the bus, hold your cellphone in your hand).

2. Another question brought up by a student today was, “What should I do when I am home alone?” At what age is a child old enough to be stay home alone? There are no legal ages in New Jersey for staying home alone, but the National SAFE KIDS Campaign recommends that children are not to be left alone until age 12. However, parents need to consider their own particular child. Children mature at different rates. If you are planning on leaving your child home alone for the first time, it is a good idea to begin leaving her alone progressively- first ten minutes while you are close to home etc.

We then need to evaluate if they are trustworthy. Will they stay home? Will they host a party with all their friends while you are out? Are they ready, in general? Are they fearful? Will they follow rules? Have they shown good judgment in the past? When is your child ready to watch other children?

As with any potentially dangerous situations, we need to teach them the safety rules. No answering the phone. No answering the door. Tell them things they cannot do without supervision. Role playing some situations would be a good idea. “What would you do if a stranger knocked at the door?' “What if your brother and sister are fighting?”

3. How do we stress to our kids that being safe is more important than being cool? We mentioned to the students the dangers of walking at night, especially in neighborhoods where there are no sidewalks. No self-respecting teenager would be caught in a reflective belt. That is probably what kids said when the law requiring helmets on bicycles went into effect. As parents, we need to model that behavior, and enforce it with our teens. Some other issues: It might not be cool to cross at the light, but it is safe. It may not be cool to tell a friend you can't go to the other house without notifying your parents, but it is safe.

4. How can we know they follow these safety rules when we are not with them? We cannot know. But, as with any values we relay to our children, we say them over and over again until they are second nature, and they cannot help but hear our voices in their heads reminding them of how to stay safe.

That is our job as parents. To become that broken record in their minds, (in a nice, supportive way, without annoying them). They know we do it because we care. Our parents did the same.

Mazel Tov and Mind Your Manners

“Teaching Respect to the Faithful” was the title of Bruce Feiler's article in the New York Times regarding Bar and Bat Mitzvah etiquette. He quotes parent Alia Ramer, “Parents were dropping their children off at the synagogue, and the kids, unchaperoned, were treating the joint like the mall. Girls were hanging out in the bathroom, sitting on the countertops and texting their friends, while boys were playing tag football in the social hall and sneaking brownies from under the plastic wrap...In the sanctuary, she wrote in a rant on the Web site of New Jersey Jewish News, they 'are prone to talking unabated through the service, save for the 30 seconds after they’ve just been shushed by people who are wondering where those kids’ parents are.' Even her own did it, she confessed.”

The Jewishjournal.com has an article written by Susan Estroff who humorously speaks of the same issue. “Our sages taught that a parent is responsible for a child until that child reaches the age of 13 years and one day, at which time he's ready to assume full responsibility for observing the commandments and for all his deeds. Perhaps our sages should have specified that all deeds include stuffing up toilets with rolls of toilet paper, downing the remains of alcoholic beverages, running wild in hotel parking lots, having elevator races and destroying someone else's furniture.”

When I came to Yavneh seven years ago, dealing with the Bar/Bat Mitzvah behavior of students was a priority. It was encorporated into the Advisory curriculm for the sixth grade, and has grown into an entire unit on Manners which we affectionately call, “Hey Dude, That's Rude!” We even hold a mock Bar/Bat Mitzvah where the students are able to practice their manners in real time.  More importantly, we realize that it is not just about the Bar/Bat Mitzvah party. It is about relaying to our students the importance of decorum and politeness in all realms of life- in the workplace, on an interview or even in a restaurant or movie theater. 

There are so many articles bemoaning the lack of manners among today's teens. One need not be an expert in adolescent development to notice. However, I recently came across an online newsletter called “Values in Action” where Mr. Hal Urban proclaims “The teenagers I know don't have bad manners. In fact, they have very good manners.” How can that be? He states that “teenagers get a bad rap.” And, that he sees more rude behavior among adults than teens. But, he does continue to share why all the students he has in his classroom tend to have good manners.

As he began noticing the deterioration of civility in the general population, and people were becoming more self-centered and inconsiderate, he realized that teens are simply a reflection of the world we as adults have created for them. He noted that when he would say to a child, “Do you talk like that in front of your parents?” they would reply, “Yes.” (Their parents were the ones who taught them that language). So, he stopped asking that question. He then changed his first day lesson plan. Each year on the first day of school his focus would be on what is considered good manners and what is considered bad manners. They discussed what it means to treat others as you would want to be treated. The students began to realize that if Mr. Urban spent that much time on the first day of school on manners, then it must be important. People then behave as they are expected to behave. He expected respect, politeness and, as we call, derech eretz. That was what he got. He ends his article by asserting that that is the way to teach manners, “Or maybe I'm just lucky, because those polite kids keep showing up in my classroom year after year.”

I like to say that I am lucky as those “polite kids” continue showing up in our Middle School year after year. That is because we have high expectations for respect, kavod ha'briyot and derech eretz. We also teach them how to do it in Advisory and in our classrooms. They too live a world where people do not say please or thank you. One need only have watched the last Presidential debate- the interruptions, finger pointing and talking over the opponents to see lack of civility. The candidates ignored time limits for responses. “If these were your own kids, would you put up with this?” The debate was a great “teachable moment” for us to discuss manners with our children. 

Mr. Feiler, in the Times, attributes one source of the lack of manners at Bar/Bat Mitzvahs to “Stressed-out parents have less time to raise their children,” and therefore schools need to take over the role of teaching proper decorum. I think that most of us would disagree. When we as parents send our children to school, we want to partner with the school in raising “menschen.” Only if we have these high expectations in school and at home will good manners then generalize to the Bar Mitzvah hall or the sanctuary. 

A Tribute to My Principal and That "Kesher"

High school is just around the corner. For our sixth graders, who are slowly adjusting, it is a mere two years away until they have to make the high school choice. (Although, right now we are still learning our Middle School schedules!) Right before the chagim, in our 8^th grade Advisory, we began discussing with them “How do I choose a High School? What affects my decision? Who makes the decision- my parents? Do I? Is it a joint decision? What kind of person do I want to become in the next few years?” These sound like serious questions to be confronted by a 14 year old who is making a “big decision,” along with his/her parents, for the first time in his/her life.

(We tend to take for granted the academic opportunities our girls have. On October 11^th we joined in on the “International Day of the Girl” created to draw the world's attention to all those girls who are denied educations and face poverty, discrimination and violence. This week, a 14 year old Pakistani girl who was speaking out against policies restricting women's education, was shot by the Taliban. Our middle school girls were photographed on Thursday raising their hands as part of the campaign to collect four million hands raised in support of girls education. (Thank you to Mrs. Robin Rochlin for bringing this campaign to our attention). Perhaps those few moments we spent that day hit home as our girls realized how lucky they are).

I was recently thinking about my own high school years as I had heard of the passing of my principal, Mrs. Chaya Newman, a”h. My high school years most definitely impacted on my love for Torah, teaching and reaching out to others. Those years helped me develop a strong sense of self and of success. Mrs. Newman was the principal for over 40 years and most definitely shaped the culture of the school that became my home. As principal, she was a role model to us of a woman who could be strong, knowledgeable and can make an impact. I have distinct memories of sitting in her office as a student council officer as she empowered us to make decisions. I remember spending Shabbat at her home as she reached out to students. I later returned as a graduate student to teach alongside my former teachers. I am grateful for the opportunities she gave me as a rookie teacher. And, I can still envision her dancing with me at my wedding, as one of her “girls” was getting married. The impact of those high school years stays with me years later.

We know of the incredible impact peers have on our teens as they enter adolescence. However, a recent study at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research indicated that adolescents continue to be influenced greatly by their teachers (and parents) when it comes to “school engagement.” In large public high schools, where classes are larger and more performance-oriented, there are less opportunities for teachers and students to develop strong relationships, the study continued. Adolescence is particularly a time when teens need relationships with adults outside their families to feel competent in their schoolwork. These relationships can even counteract negative relationships with peers.

Dr. Haim Ginott, a child psychologist and parent educator who began as a teacher, highlighted the incredible influence a teacher can have on a child's attitudes towards school, education, and even their own self-image. “I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized.” Each one of us can recall that teacher who was that instrument of inspiration. Unfortunately, many of us can recall those teachers that were not. When we choose a school for our teens, we are not only looking at curricula, peer groups, and even the campus. We are also searching for teachers who can make that “kesher” - connection- with our children to engage them in the learning and growing process. We are very conscious of this important role we teachers play each day- in middle and lower schools as well.

When I consider what made my high school years so impactful, I realize that it was the connections with my principal and my teachers that truly made the difference. So, although it may be “centuries” since I graduated high school, I know that those four years made an indelible imprint. I express my gratitude to Mrs. Chaya Newman, a”h, for all that she did for hundreds of teenagers searching for that important "kesher."   May her memory be a blessing.