The "Wandering Jews" and Home Alone

 Last week, the New York Times featured an article about Bar/Bat Mitzvah- a topic that applies to our community, and a topic I chose to discuss in my blog. This week, the child luring attempts have been on our minds- another topic that applies to our community. It seemed that both topics of Bar Mitzvah behavior and Child Safety coalesced today as I had a conversation with a parent about Shabbat Bar Mitzvahs. Many of our boys have their Bar Mitzvah celebrations on Shabbat, with a meal following Davening. After that meal, which merely lasts until early afternoon, there typically is no program. And, so we have a group of boys wandering the community, from one friend's house to another, with no supervision and no adult having a sense of to where they are heading. We train our children to notify parents of changes in plans. Some of these children's parents are in a different city. No one knows their plans. When I met with Detective Teehan today, before his program with the middle schoolers, I stressed the concerns we have regarding Shabbat safety- as it is a day when our children have no access to cellphones, and do a lot of walking and wandering.

Whose responsibility is it to supervise these wandering boys? Are the Bar Mitzvah boy's family- who are rather busy that Shabbat- responsible? Or, perhaps the hosts of the homes in which these teenage guests are staying. Is it their job to make sure they know where all the boys who are staying at their house are? Are there some rules that we as parents should get together and make to ensure their safety? Perhaps boys should have to return to the home where they are sleeping for the afternoon? I still recall after the terrible storm of March 2010, when we lost two Teaneck community members, a”h, there were a group of boys attending a local Bar Mitzvah wandering around town during that storm.

I have no particular solutions, but I wanted to bring up the issue. (And, I thank the parent with whom I this conversation for bringing these concerns to the fore). If you have any ideas, suggestions and/or interested in working on some solutions, please feel free to contact me.

Some Other Safety Concerns

As I mentioned above, and as you saw in the letter you got this evening, we had a program in school about Safety. There were some issues that as I parent were on my mind:

1. How do you teach your children about abuse and dangerous people without scaring them and creating more anxiety?
   We stress with our children, as we did in today's program, that they need not worry- they just need to know what to do. It is not “stranger danger,” it is “stranger safety.” Rather than focusing on the bad things that could happen, we focus on the skills and the rules we want our children to live by to stay safe. There is no need to worry about strangers if they follow the safety rules. We remind them that most probably nothing dangerous will ever happen to them, but they need to know the rules just in case.

It is essential that we remain calm when we speak to our children. Despite it being an uncomfortable topic, if we sound anxious, they will sense it. The goal is not to focus on scary stories, but to stress that most people are good. We need to stress that the world is mostly full of good, kind people. There is a children's book, The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers, which uses the metaphor of “bad apples.” (Note, it has been a long time I read that book and I am not necessarily recommending it). In the book, Sister learns about strangers and then is afraid that everyone she meets is dangerous. She then learns that people are like apples. Most apples are good but there are a few “bad apples” out there. Although this book is not one for teens, this is the message we should relay.

What if they do express anxiety or fear? Never minimize their fears. First get a sense of what is really scaring them. (Ex. Is the walk home from the bus bothering him?) Once you identify the actual fear, then you can practically outline what he will do to stay safe. (i.e. when walking home from the bus, hold your cellphone in your hand).

2. Another question brought up by a student today was, “What should I do when I am home alone?” At what age is a child old enough to be stay home alone? There are no legal ages in New Jersey for staying home alone, but the National SAFE KIDS Campaign recommends that children are not to be left alone until age 12. However, parents need to consider their own particular child. Children mature at different rates. If you are planning on leaving your child home alone for the first time, it is a good idea to begin leaving her alone progressively- first ten minutes while you are close to home etc.

We then need to evaluate if they are trustworthy. Will they stay home? Will they host a party with all their friends while you are out? Are they ready, in general? Are they fearful? Will they follow rules? Have they shown good judgment in the past? When is your child ready to watch other children?

As with any potentially dangerous situations, we need to teach them the safety rules. No answering the phone. No answering the door. Tell them things they cannot do without supervision. Role playing some situations would be a good idea. “What would you do if a stranger knocked at the door?' “What if your brother and sister are fighting?”

3. How do we stress to our kids that being safe is more important than being cool? We mentioned to the students the dangers of walking at night, especially in neighborhoods where there are no sidewalks. No self-respecting teenager would be caught in a reflective belt. That is probably what kids said when the law requiring helmets on bicycles went into effect. As parents, we need to model that behavior, and enforce it with our teens. Some other issues: It might not be cool to cross at the light, but it is safe. It may not be cool to tell a friend you can't go to the other house without notifying your parents, but it is safe.

4. How can we know they follow these safety rules when we are not with them? We cannot know. But, as with any values we relay to our children, we say them over and over again until they are second nature, and they cannot help but hear our voices in their heads reminding them of how to stay safe.

That is our job as parents. To become that broken record in their minds, (in a nice, supportive way, without annoying them). They know we do it because we care. Our parents did the same.