Mazel Tov and Mind Your Manners

“Teaching Respect to the Faithful” was the title of Bruce Feiler's article in the New York Times regarding Bar and Bat Mitzvah etiquette. He quotes parent Alia Ramer, “Parents were dropping their children off at the synagogue, and the kids, unchaperoned, were treating the joint like the mall. Girls were hanging out in the bathroom, sitting on the countertops and texting their friends, while boys were playing tag football in the social hall and sneaking brownies from under the plastic wrap...In the sanctuary, she wrote in a rant on the Web site of New Jersey Jewish News, they 'are prone to talking unabated through the service, save for the 30 seconds after they’ve just been shushed by people who are wondering where those kids’ parents are.' Even her own did it, she confessed.”

The Jewishjournal.com has an article written by Susan Estroff who humorously speaks of the same issue. “Our sages taught that a parent is responsible for a child until that child reaches the age of 13 years and one day, at which time he's ready to assume full responsibility for observing the commandments and for all his deeds. Perhaps our sages should have specified that all deeds include stuffing up toilets with rolls of toilet paper, downing the remains of alcoholic beverages, running wild in hotel parking lots, having elevator races and destroying someone else's furniture.”

When I came to Yavneh seven years ago, dealing with the Bar/Bat Mitzvah behavior of students was a priority. It was encorporated into the Advisory curriculm for the sixth grade, and has grown into an entire unit on Manners which we affectionately call, “Hey Dude, That's Rude!” We even hold a mock Bar/Bat Mitzvah where the students are able to practice their manners in real time.  More importantly, we realize that it is not just about the Bar/Bat Mitzvah party. It is about relaying to our students the importance of decorum and politeness in all realms of life- in the workplace, on an interview or even in a restaurant or movie theater. 

There are so many articles bemoaning the lack of manners among today's teens. One need not be an expert in adolescent development to notice. However, I recently came across an online newsletter called “Values in Action” where Mr. Hal Urban proclaims “The teenagers I know don't have bad manners. In fact, they have very good manners.” How can that be? He states that “teenagers get a bad rap.” And, that he sees more rude behavior among adults than teens. But, he does continue to share why all the students he has in his classroom tend to have good manners.

As he began noticing the deterioration of civility in the general population, and people were becoming more self-centered and inconsiderate, he realized that teens are simply a reflection of the world we as adults have created for them. He noted that when he would say to a child, “Do you talk like that in front of your parents?” they would reply, “Yes.” (Their parents were the ones who taught them that language). So, he stopped asking that question. He then changed his first day lesson plan. Each year on the first day of school his focus would be on what is considered good manners and what is considered bad manners. They discussed what it means to treat others as you would want to be treated. The students began to realize that if Mr. Urban spent that much time on the first day of school on manners, then it must be important. People then behave as they are expected to behave. He expected respect, politeness and, as we call, derech eretz. That was what he got. He ends his article by asserting that that is the way to teach manners, “Or maybe I'm just lucky, because those polite kids keep showing up in my classroom year after year.”

I like to say that I am lucky as those “polite kids” continue showing up in our Middle School year after year. That is because we have high expectations for respect, kavod ha'briyot and derech eretz. We also teach them how to do it in Advisory and in our classrooms. They too live a world where people do not say please or thank you. One need only have watched the last Presidential debate- the interruptions, finger pointing and talking over the opponents to see lack of civility. The candidates ignored time limits for responses. “If these were your own kids, would you put up with this?” The debate was a great “teachable moment” for us to discuss manners with our children. 

Mr. Feiler, in the Times, attributes one source of the lack of manners at Bar/Bat Mitzvahs to “Stressed-out parents have less time to raise their children,” and therefore schools need to take over the role of teaching proper decorum. I think that most of us would disagree. When we as parents send our children to school, we want to partner with the school in raising “menschen.” Only if we have these high expectations in school and at home will good manners then generalize to the Bar Mitzvah hall or the sanctuary.