On This Purim, Is Your Wine Glass Half Full or Half Empty?

Just when you think you have lost the game, and there is no hope, as the other team is “shmearing” you 24 to 2, you hit a homer. And, then the next player, and then the next player- both home runs. Your team's luck continues and no one strikes out for the rest of the game! Then the other team is up, and you strike out one player after another. Your team wins! It's a miracle!

Just when you think the villain is going to triumph, and the end is near, suddenly salvation appears. It's a miracle! The sheer simcha on the holiday of Purim is unparalleled in any other Jewish holiday, (despite there being a mitzvah of “V'samachta b'chagecha” on Sukkot). We had great salvations on Pesach too- but the happiness and joy felt on that holiday is not the same. Why?

It is this sudden change of events- from the depths of despair of Haman's evil plan to the extreme victory of the Jews which creates this joy. It is the “V'nahafoch hu”- and it all turned around, and in the blink of an eye Hashem can change the future.

Purim represents the concept of never giving up hope as everything can turn out right in the end. On Purim, according to the Gemara Megilla 7b, we are to get to the point where we do not know the difference between “cursed be Haman” and “blessed be Mordechai.” This is to remind us that evil is often a passing phenomenon, and although it looks like it is gaining power, appearances can be deceiving. “V'nahafoch hu”- it all is the opposite of what it appears.

Purim is the holiday of hope and optimism. We know that the research on optimism indicates that people who are optimistic and hopeful are indeed happier, experience less stress, are more successful, healthier and even do better in school and sports. It makes perfect sense that Purim is the joyful holiday.

Dr. Martin Seligman is well- known for his research on optimism. He states the difference between people who give up when “the going gets tough” and those who persevere is the difference in how people explain bad and good events. He is famous for his “learned optimism” which clearly indicates that one is not born an optimist or pessimist, but it can be learned and taught. An “optimistic explanatory style” (the half-full syndrome) is essential for this outlook. The pessimist explains bad things that happen as permanent and pervasive in every area of his life. He says that his failures are due to some lacking in himself and not just due to situational factors. For example, when the baseball player strikes out he says it is because he has no skill, which can never change, and he is not good at any sports. When good things happen to the pessimist, he tends to describe them as temporary and only related to this particular area. For example, when the baseball player hits a home run, he says- it was a fluke and will never happen again. The optimist, on the other hand, explains a negative situation as temporary and narrowly focused to that event. He describes positive situations as permanent and pervasive. He sees his successes as due to something positive about himself and failures due to situational factors.

How does one teach optimism? By consciously thinking what an optimist would think intuitively. With practice, a pessimist can change those negative patterns of thinking. This is not permanent. Things can change for the better- “V'nahafoch hu.”

How can we as parents help our children be more optimistic and have that V'nahafoch hu thinking (I new psychological term!) ? The teenager years are particularly a time which is prone to pessimism as teens are changing “hormonally” and tend to be more irritable. Pessimistic teens tend to be more aggressive, depressed and are more likely to use alcohol and other drugs. Cindy Jett highlights some effective strategies:

1. We can help them develop a positive explanatory style. When confronted with a challenge assist them in seeing that it is not a reflection of their own personal worth and could be situational and temporary. When they have successes focus on what they did to achieve that success. It wasn't simple good luck.
2. Challenge catastrophic thinking- This type of thinking is when we imagine a catastrophic outcome. Words like “never,” “always”, “everyone” and “no one” are key signals for this type of thinking. “No one wants to be my friend.” Help them develop a more balanced view.
3. Encourage gratitude- This is a great way to teach them to see the glass “half full.” When we focus on gratitude we are training ourselves to focus on the positive. We can even share with each other what we are grateful for on a weekly basis- and not just on Thanksgiving.
4. Teach your child to be proactive- Since pessimists feel they are powerless to change their situations they do not even bother trying. This leads to helplessness and even depression. When our children share with us a situation that is making them unhappy help them brainstorm practical things they can do to make a change.
5. Model optimism- Children tend to develop the explanatory style of their parents. We need to work on being more hopeful. Watch out for how you explain negative events. When the kugel comes out burnt say, “The oven temperature was too high.” Rather than, “I am a terrible cook.”
6. Prepare for setbacks- As adults we know that most new experiences in life have bumps. Teens do not yet have the experience to know that. So, for example, before entering high school we may prepare them (without scaring them!) with some of the challenges of freshmen year. When they do suffer a setback, be realistic and help them stick to the facts, identify their strengths, (perhaps in other areas), and offer some explanations so they don't catastrophize. Stress the ability for improvement and what can change. Set goals for the future.

Being hopeful does not mean that one lives in the clouds and is not in touch with reality. Hope provides us with a mindset we can set up strategies to achieve our goals, and that increases the chances that we will actually achieve those goals.

In our Seventh Grade Advisory curriculum we spend on entire unit on “When Life Gives You Lemons- How to Face Adversity,” and we train the students in this power of hope and positive thinking. As believing Jews, we are able to be even more hopeful than the average person as we have “bitachon” - trust in G-d, as it says in Berachot 10a,“Afilu cherev chada munachat al tzavaro shel adam al yimnah atzmo min harachamim” “Even if a sharp sword is placed on a man's neck, he should not deprive himself from the quality of mercy.” Hashem does step in and creates a “V'nahafoch hu” situation.

The Sefer Otzrot HaTorah states that when we are faced with challenge the Yetzer Hara makes every effort to get a person to diminish his bitachon. (Is that our inner voice telling us to be pessimistic?!) The Baal Shem Tov says that that is specifically the time we should work on strengthening our bitachon. Bitachon may be more powerful than Tefilla. It says in Tehillim 32:10 “V'habotecah b'Hashem chesed yesovevenu” “He who trusts in Hashem, kindness surrounds him.” (Is that self-fulfilling prophecy? If I think things will go wrong, they will. But, if I think things will go right, they do).

On this Purim day, may we take the joyful lessons of hope that Purim provides and apply them to our daily lives. 

The "Har-bowl" and Parenting

How can any self-respecting psychologist, sitting at her computer the week after the Super Bowl, contemplating her “Super Bowl” column, pass up on the Harbaugh brothers story? For those who did not follow, John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens, and Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, were the first siblings in history to face each other at the Super Bowl - otherwise known as the "Har-bowl."  When asked about the potential rivalry, each sibling denied it. Jim said, “That's my brother on the other side. I love him and I care about him very much.” And, we all watched the anticipated interaction between the brothers at the end of the game. There was a handshake, and John stated that , “I told him I loved him, you know, good game, and he said 'Congratulations,' you know, 'I'm proud of you.'” (There has been some post-game discussion about why they did not hug).

We have heard much in recent years about the Manning brothers and their close relationship. How about Venus and Serena Williams? They seem to get along well. What is their secret? One would actually imagine that since they were involved in the same sport, the competition would be intense. It goes against what one might intuitively think about sibling rivalry- allow each to specialize and excel in different areas to lessen the competition.

There has been some research on sibling athletes in the British Journal of Sports Medicine. One aspect of the study indicates that in actuality, two siblings being trained by the same coach is actually good for their athletic success. “Interestingly, good friends trained by the same coach will not see the same results as blood relatives in that environment. 'Siblings tend to look upon each other as competitors differently than how they look at other competitors,' says sports psychologist Christopher Carr, who consulted with American athletes at the Beijing Games. 'It actually has a way of relieving some of the externalized pressure. And in a way, they can be happier for a sibling's victory, as opposed to a stranger's, even when it's at the cost of their own success.'”

The Harbaughs', Mannings' and Williams' parents were able to raise children who while competing were able at the same time to be happy for each other. Again, what is their secret?

As parents, there are some ways we can encourage this bond. We need to give them positive opportunities to play with each other. We are so busy arranging “play dates” for every free moment of their time, that we forget the importance of children staying home and playing with their siblings. There are many a Shabbat when I am happy that I did not make plans for my children, as they have the opportunity to enjoy each other. The same with family trips. I want them to have shared experiences which are so important for life-long bonds.

But, it is essential for the time they spend “playing” together that their positive interactions outnumber their negative interactions- the research on ratios. One research study on interactions between siblings indicates that it is important to find things they can do together that they both enjoy, even if there is a gap in age or not much in common. As parents, if we can find a little time each day for them to share a positive experience it is life-changing. The key is that the positive experiences should outweigh the negative ones. Therefore, we also need to limit the time they spend together when we know they will fight.

When they are fighting- particularly for teens- we need to try not to intervene. When they are younger, we model for and train them in the steps of conflict resolution. Often, we just cannot win when we intervene, as someone will be seen as the “favorite.”

We also can encourage more kindness to each other when we catch their positive interactions and comment on them. “I really appreciated the way you helped your sister carry her bag...”

Children need to feel a part of something greater than themselves. Family is the place where they will always belong. Family traditions, rituals, and practices that only someone who grew up in your house would do are great ways to reinforce this sense of belonging. So, in our home, for example, we might sing a tune to Shalom Aleichem that no one else does. Additionally, children easily pick up the message, “In our home, family is important. We may not always get along, but we are always there for each other.” We cannot choose our siblings as we do friends- that is what makes this relationship unique. The relationship with our siblings has the longest duration of any relationship. Siblings have a shared history. We need to remember that friendships (and Super Bowl rings) come and go, but sibling relationships are permanent.

You Just Don't Understand! Teens and Perspective Taking

This past week, our 7^th graders experienced a program on the situation in Gaza brought to us by the Federation Shaliach, Mr. Avinoam Segal. The program included a presentation by Mr. Segal on the background of the Gaza conflict and the challenges it presents to Israel. The students were then split into six groups and were asked to take on the role of the group they were assigned. The groups were- IDF leaders, American Jewish leadership, U.S. Congress, a family in Sderot, a Gazan family and the Egyptian government. The students were then asked, “Imagine that you were, (for example), a Gazan family...What should we tell our political leaders, Hamas, about how we want our state to be?...How can we ever make peace with the Israelis?” (The different roles to play were created by a committee of administrators from the local Yeshivot, including Rabbi Penn, who brought this program to my attention). The exercise forced the students to take the perspective of the group they were assigned, no matter how different from their own, and attempt to make decisions the way that group would.

The primary goal of the program was to give them an understanding of the situation in Gaza and to launch our next unit in Advisory “Do Not Stand Idly By”- the obligation to do something when we see injustice in the world. Our students will spend the next month discussing this obligation and the reasons why people tend to remain bystanders and not get involved. They will focus on the importance of not being bystanders when it comes to global issues and when it comes to day to day issues, like bullying in the hallways or cheating. This unit will culminate with a political action project on behalf of Israel relating to Gaza.

However, as I was experiencing Wednesday's program, I realized that there was another goal. The program encouraged “perspective taking”- “when an observer tries to understand, in a nonjudgmental way, the thoughts, motives, and/or feelings of a target, as well as why they think and/or feel the way they do.” (The group I led focused on the perspective of the Egyptian government. One question we had to tackle was in light of the new Egyptian government, “Should Israel keep the peace treaty with Egypt?” At first all the students said, “Why should Israel? The new Egyptian government is not friendly!” However, we had an Israeli child in our group who said, “But, we want peace. We should keep the treaty as long as we can.” Another exercise in perspective taking. How many of our American children can imagine the perspective that an Israeli child can of the need for peace?)

In the article “Building better work places through individual perspective taking: A fresh look at a fundamental human process,” (where the aforementioned definition was found), Parker, Atkins and Axtell focus on the power perspective taking has on improving the workplace. Perspective taking is known to improve communication, enhance interpersonal problem-solving ability and lower interpersonal aggression and conflict. We know that these skills are need for successful friendships, marriages, workplace interactions and family lives. Many children who are not successful at friendships are found to have difficulty with perspective taking. And, for many of us, perspective taking it is not easy.

The authors state that perspective taking is an intentional and goal-directed process, and is not automatic or subconscious in any way. Therefore, it is an endeavor which requires effort. In fact, we know that there are specific regions of the brain that are recruited for this task. How good one is at this perspective taking clearly correlates with how much effort one puts into it. They maintain that perspective taking is different from empathy in that with empathy one can identify the emotions of the other, but will not necessarily understand why he/she feels that way. In addition, perspective taking demands that one accepts the perspective of the other as a legitimate one- without necessarily agreeing with that perspective. Additionally, perspective taking needs to be dynamic, as the views of the other may change, and therefore there needs to be updating and revising.

For those of us who have had an argument and have attempted to take the perspective of the other, we can testify it is not a simple task. A key component in conflict resolution is the ability to create solutions that meet the needs of all parties. The only way to do so is to first understand the perspective of the other party. This creates a win-win situation and avoids one party dominating the other. Couples in conflict tend to have little perspective taking.

For those of us with teenagers, much conflict in our lives is found at home with our children. In our 8^th grade Advisory program this week we began a unit on perspective taking with one's parents. We ask them to imagine what is like to be a parent and to think about your perspective. We also help them learn how to communicate their perspectives with you so that you can understand them better.

Ellen Galinsky, author of Mind in the Making , highlights the importance of perspective taking in our children. “We worry about school readiness in the U.S. Because we know that far too many children aren't ready for school. We tend to think that the solution is to increase what young children know- numbers, letters, concepts and content. But now think about those children who go to school and can't understand what their teachers want or expect. Studies show that these children are not ready for school either... We worry about children who bully or cyberbully...those children who get into fights because they aren't able to read the behaviors of others; they misinterpret what's going on...The children I have been talking about need to improve their skill in perspective taking.”

In our 6^th grade Advisory curriculum, we will be soon engaging in a lesson on how to “figure out” what your teacher expects from you- an essential skill to being a successful student and having a successful interpersonal career. Through attempting to see the teacher's perspective the student can identify the more subtle behaviors that “please” teachers.

As parents, what can we do to encourage perspective taking? We need to talk about the thinking and feelings of others. (What do you think Sara was thinking when she said that to you?) Talking about our own thoughts with our children is also helpful. (When I rushed you out the door I was worried that I would be late to work again). We can discuss perspectives in reading, movies and television shows. (Hermoine must have been thinking that she would never see Harry again- that is why...)

Ms. Galinsky stresses that perspective taking is not enough as many of our very successful con-men are excellent perspective takers. These skills needs to be couched in morality, (her word), and Daat Torah, (my words). At school and home we transmit social/emotional skills through the lens of the Torah.